After I had rested and took my meds to deal with these headaches I had changed into a more comfortable pair of clothing ‘’I’m going to buy the ingredients now and please don’t make a mess’’. It was bright, sunny, and windy outside, not much different from this morning except the setting. Walking down in the shopping district he notices the nice old lady who’s always nice and selling fruits and veggies, the big tan mister who sells fish. There was never anything you couldn’t find here which is why it’s always pact every year and it’s close to where I live so it’s conventional.

He was walking past a few other small businesses and a local restaurant he saw and remembers where his family ate before when his mother got a promotion at a very famous hospital. She had been working there since graduating university for over 8 years. Although most people would choose to become Hunters, a title for those that choose to hunt down demons and protect lives, his mother opted not to. Stating she much preferred helping the injured more. Although hunters were making so much for their contribution, they carry risk equal to fame and wealth for their compensation.

His father had arrived late because of his job and traffic but when he did show up, he looked haggard, his dress shirt was crooked, his tie was loose, and his combed hair was a mess. Just like Kazuki’s mother, he too took a career away from the battlefield. His own family stared at him and laughed noting that someone as careless as him was working for a big company as a highly respected businessman.

Before he had realized it, he was already standing in front of the store. The door had slid open and came two kids running outside laughing and screaming, behind them was a young mother of average height. She looked very beautiful with black hair like most Asians people and very young maybe around her mid-twenties. But her features gave her a weird feeling like she was foreign, half maybe. He turned and walked into the store. The people there knew him very well since his parents were regular customers. There was a nice young lady, dark blue hair in her early thirties standing and working with the cashier who saw him and waved at him. He smiled and greeted her and waved back. There was another one who also waved but she was the manager there, she was old being 55 and short with short hair and strands of white but she treats everyone kindly owing much to the stores well services to her.

He stood at the meat department looking over the limited variety of meat available but chose lamb with nice fine cuts from the butcher who was working there. He later went over to the Spice & Herbs section where he stood examining the different spices and herbs. He kept wandering around the market looking for all sorts of seasoning and ingredients mainly because he couldn’t decide on what type of curry to make. He walked past the same aisle over and over and stared at the shelf still pondering. Finally, he decided to make Indian curry picking out onion, garlic, cumin, dried chili pepper and so on.

“That will be this amount, how would you like to pay?” said the young lady. He searched in his pockets for his wallet and took out a large bill to pay it exactly. Since his parents have high paying salaries, it wasn’t unusual for them to have large amount of money for allowances compared to their peers but he rather not spends them carelessly like his sister and instead secure a more brighter future. After getting his bag and walked outside he wondered how late it was looking at his watch.

‘’Oh shit! It’s already 2:09 PM, she’s going to kill me for starving her to death and I’ll have to put up with her crying’’. I was walking on your typical public sidewalk it was quite and there wasn’t anything interesting to look at. Times like these you really kind of do wonder where Jun was for being the best-friend who wouldn’t shut up….in a good way. I wonder if she would like what I would make. I know she likes what I cook for her but am I feeding her too much of anything she likes? She might get fat but then again she still manages to look slim even after eating like a pig. It has to be from all that running. It wasn’t that I was bad at cooking, in fact I cook really well but as far as I could remember when I young our parents were almost never at home due to their busy work schedules and status. I started taking care of her when I was 7-8 probably, learning what her favorite storybooks were, what she likes to eat, what her taste in fashion and music, her favorite stuff animals. It was hard having to take care of your baby sister when you yourself were so young and I envied other kids who didn’t babysit their siblings leaving their parents to do it. I would often look out the window and think how easy it would be to run away and have fun with the kids from the other houses without a care in the world. It was around that time my view and world changed

It was late October that year, 9 years ago. With our parents busy schedule I was unofficially tasked with the burden of caring for my sister. But it was stressful for an 8 year old me to bear that responsibility. Especially with the how fucked up the situation was. Not all kids grow up perfect and I was one of those. I believe it was night time then when we had just finished eating reheated dinner my mother had prepped before work. I washed the dishes and she slept on the sofa. It was hard to believe with how she is now but she used to be sickly lying in bed or on the sofa, if she wasn’t resting she was watching television. And me? I was her babysitter. Back then it felt unfair and unreasonable how my sister got everything she wanted, she didn’t need to lift a finger. My immature self thought that everything would have been better if I was born a single child instead. That thought was the beginning of my first in a long list of mistakes. She suddenly woke up “Big brother?” as she rubs her eyes “What wrong?”

“Nothing, you should hurry up and brush your teeth and go to sleep”

“Okay” she said in a drowsy voice.

She got out the bathroom and walked straight to her room where I had to put her sleep. Every night she would give me this complex expression look on her face, she looked scared and sad at the same time. But this had only me only angrier. She looked at me for a second then averted her gaze, voicing her request with trembled “Brother…could you…read me a book? Mommy said she would read me one today but if she doesn’t come home she said I would ask you” I remembered how I felt that day. I was angry and cussed at my own mother. But I only did this behind her back. I mean what kid is man enough to go around cursing at their own parent when they’re not brave enough to say it when the time actually shows itself several times. Even then I didn’t enjoy the fact my mother decided this without my opinion too. So I turned around and glared at her unable to express my anger in words. She was frightened and I knew she didn’t like it when I did this.

The next day arrived. It was still early, well early enough then my sister wouldn’t be awake. It was finally one of those days that if I woke up early enough where if my parents hadn’t arrive back home, mostly overtime, I would take this opportunity and leave the house before coming back to my small little unfair reality. I was only a few steps away but I heard footsteps coming ever so closer I felt my heart beat louder and louder until I heard it. Her voice broke the silence as my heart stopped “Brother, where are you going?”

Her voice sounded hoarse or dry maybe but I didn’t care. All my effort had gone to waste, she saw me already. After what had happened yesterday my mind blanked out back then as I was in deep thoughts. And I did something unforgivable to her then lashed out at her throwing shoes after shoes at her. And her being sick and younger than me screamed. Her legs gave out as she fell to the ground. Was it fear or pain? I won’t know but what I did know was I felt so relieved. Almost like all I did finally felt rewarded for. The final push was when I grabbed an umbrella and threw it at her. The screaming stopped as she fell. I deserved to be put into a mental institution. No one should ever treat their little sister the way I did or felt relieved.

I felt a boulder was taken of my shoulder. The ray of sunshine hitting my face. I didn’t have to care too much since we lived in a secluded area all the way at the top. Nowadays it would be a luxury for anyone to live somewhere where security and protection matched the price you pay. But we did, it could be classified as the rich side of Japan. Politicians, war veterans with high position or anyone in a high enough position with salaries. Basically, as long as you can afford it, you can probably live till your old and not die somewhere on the streets. Plus, the house were sound proof and I took this for granted. Walking down the road I saw other kids playing having fun with responsibility unlike me. It was one of these things that made me feel like I had a life outside of that house. But this feeling was quickly overshadowed. I saw a parent called out to one the kids. He hurried over and embraced her. They both looked so happy unlike my family. Our mother was rarely home since she was working hard every day and night trying to help people at a hospital and reaching high enough where money and time would be just a dream. Our father was the same. I mean they eventually did 8 years later

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But looking at that scene made me felt uneasy. I felt uncomfortable I ignored them not wanting to look at the thing that made me and my family different in my mind then. I ran around saw the view and border wall of Japan from high up here. The nice little park had full of laughter and life. But every so often my mind drifted back to that scene of the mother and child. The more I think about it, the more it felt uncomfortable and eventually hurt. I teared up a little but quickly wiped it off with my hand and as I looked up another part of reality hit me. I noticed here in the park all these kids around my age younger or older with family beside them. Here they were enjoying what little time we all had with people they love beside them, but me? I had no one. My minded drifted to my mom and dad. We didn’t have any relatives beside us four. At that point the word four stood out. My sister’s face appeared suddenly replacing my mom and dad. I wanted to forget her face but no matter how much I tried almost every memory I had, she was there. During the bad and good ones. She was there and in my most recent one was when I hurt her. The boulder of stress and unhappiness was then suddenly replaced by a planet size guilt. My back felt cold in this and legs heavier then I could have imagine at that time but I hurried back home because the memory made me lonely and the feeling of guilt was unbearable.

I stood in the front of my door. I felt horrible for what I truly did now, now that the only thing between me and my sister was door. Air left my lungs, my hands shaking. I could barely put any strength the doorknob. After what felt like forever did I truly some face to face with my consequence. The blood drained from my face. My stomach tighten and collapse within itself. What I saw that day still haunts to me this day more so than my parents. There she was unconscious. My sister was still lying on the floor. My legged moved on their own as I picked her up. “Hey, hey, hey, hey”. Each time I said it my voice grew louder in panic. “Come on, please wake up this isn’t funny” she was a sick and small little 6 year old but in that moment was the heaviest thing I picked up. Again I begged with sincerity “Please Hina, I’m sorry”, I tried pulling her up maybe put her on the sofa but a sudden feeling caught my attention. I didn’t felt it sooner because I was in panicking. My hand felt wet but also dry. I took a quick look only to have to my stomach churned, chest tighten, and heart beating so fast it was just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode form my chest. I wanted to throw up but because I didn’t eat anything until now all that came it out was saliva and stomach acid. I raised her up and combed through her hair in a rush trying to find the spot that was bleeding.

The cut was small but Hina was always sick and weak. I ran in the kitchen grabbed a clean cloth and a small bucket. I ran back pulled her up and clean the blood of her head. Little by little the water dyed red in my sister’s blood. Once it finally stopped I grabbed another cloth wet it and placed it behind her for support. That was the best I could and think of then.

It had been 9 years since that incident. Shortly after I finally set Hina, to bed my parents came back home. They caught me trying to wipe the blood of the floor. My mother ran up to me, patted me down. “Kazu, what happened? Are you hurt? What happened? You look scared.” The words I wanted to say but couldn’t didn’t come out. I scared my mother half to death after working so long and now I had to explain to her how I almost killed my sister, her daughter, it was too much. All I could do was call out to her while I cry. My father then spoke “Kazu, what is this?” I turned around now I not knowing when my father walked past, descending from the stairs but he must have saw Hina When he looked at me his face was cold and stern. He was too exhausted to contain his anger but he tried. But that only made it scarier then. He asked again “Did you do that to your sister?” his voice so controlled yet angry, all I could do was call out his name and trying to say this wasn’t what I wanted. That I didn’t mean for this to happen. He was quick to try to hit me but mother was quicker to sand in between and hold him off “Dear! Please stop it!” she screamed.

“Aiko! Let me go this instant. How can you defend the boy? Did you see Hina? She’s bleeding”

“But we don’t know if he did it so please let’s not do this!” she screamed even louder. It stung even deeper. Knowing my mother still protected me even though I did.

She turned around and looked at me tears on her face and a smile that she could muster. Softly she said “Sweety, go upstairs please. Me and your father want to talk alone”. I struggled to pull myself up, but I still did. With each step I took it felt I dragged an iron chain ball around my legs. The screaming downstairs were muffled out as I sunk deeper into my guilt. As I noticed passing by my sister’s room my head went blank wanting to puke about and blacking out, but I force myself to walk. Those were the longest time I felt walking in those hallways. Laying in my bed I could hear the muffling. My mind drifting to my mother’s words “But we don’t know if he did it so, please let’s not do this!” I kept thinking of this. I deserved it but my mother still defended me and now she’s suffering for my mistake. For what I did. Every child would think of their mother as the best but never understood the real weight behind those words until they were older. Maybe it was because the situation I experience or maybe I grew up a little bit too quickly, but I understood early on that my mother was truly the best mother in the whole world. Too good to end up with son like me.

I couldn’t sleep properly. I would fall asleep for a few minutes at best probably and then woke up crying. It continued like these until I saw the morning glow. I was scared to walk down the stairs, but I didn’t want to hide in my room. The hallways felt so cold. Walking down near the stairs I noticed a shadow. It was mom. She had the clothes she yesterday, her hands pressed against her face, her beautiful straight black hair were in a mess. My voice croaked slightly “Mom?’. Startled she slowly removed her hands away as I saw I her face. You could tell just by looking at her. Make-up from yesterday was still there mix with tears. Seeing my mother in this state after yesterday was just adding on the never-ending pain I felt deep inside. Emotions so unbearably painful tears formed rapidly as my only outlet of self-hate. My mother, walked closer and pulled me gently, embraced me in her arms. “Shh Kazu, it’s not your fault, it’s mama’s” her voiced was coarse as I felt her hands shaking and face pressed against me. She didn’t blame me but instead blamed herself and dad for putting on too much pressure on me, for expecting me to mature as the older sibling. I hated her more than ever but I hated myself more for hating her for still caring. It would have been so much easier if she had just screamed, blame, or even hit me. But she didn’t and instead blamed herself for this outcome. I cried my heart out that day.

Later that day in the afternoon mom had a colleague come over to examine Hina’s injury. The doctor said it wasn’t all that serious at first glance but recommend we take her to the hospital just in case. However she might develop a slight scar but it would disappear over time she guaranteed. Just her friend suggest we went to the hospital to get professional help. After the examination the doctor said she was fine with no sign of internal bleeding or damage to her brain. Although it wasn’t wise we took Hina, back home. The hospital was an unbearable place to be in for my mother. Some the local staff members offered to help drive since the finish. The day passed by quickly after that and she finally woke up the next day in the morning. I had stayed by her side throughout the day, holding her arm.

The ride back home was quiet as we all sat at the back of the car. But not long after I felt a slight twitch and grip. Mom and dad stood quickly out of sheer worry but were told to sit back down. As we all stared in intensely Hina, finally opened her eyes. She smiled slightly, coughing in between “Mommy…daddy….yay, this is such a nice dream”. She looked so happy but when she turned over to me my heart beat sped up again. Her smiled disappeared replaced with a somber look. Almost like she’s blaming herself at the same time. When I saw it my heartbeat slowed down. But I wasn’t calm, it was and painful, the slower it got the more it felt as if needle kept on puncturing my heart and chest. She finally opened her mouth “I’m sorry” were the first words, I didn’t understand but it felt so painful. She continued “I’m sorry I can’t play with you…big brother probably wants to play with your friend…but because of me you can’t….i’m sorry”. And that was it,that was the final nail in the coffin. While I blamed myself for my guilt, she blamed herself just as much because she thinks she’s the reason why I’m always so miserable, why I couldn’t play like other kids. I folded in myself and cried. “I’m sorry” I repeated over and over again holding, squeezing her hands hoping that maybe she would forgive me. But what’s the point when she blamed herself just as much. It was just my selfish act to cope with this pain. I didn’t know when but I felt my mother embraced us. I couldn’t remember much but the rest is history.

After that incident many changes took place, mom and dad were home more often on a regular basis. I enjoyed my sister’s company now, and when my parents take turns allowing me to live my childhood I chose to spend it taking care of Hina. Before long she started get better physically, we went out play often now with permission. I got to meet both Sakura and Jun. But was also the first time I learned I had no armament. This inevitably means I was weaker physically compare to those who can awaken it at a certain age, in retrospect I learned martial arts to compensate for my weakness. It took a bit of convincing but in the end both mom and dad agreed it would benefit me in the future. Although it wouldn’t amount much, it was better than nothing. But the biggest change was that Holidays weren’t just me and Hina but as a family mostly if not at least one of our parents. The empty house was just a past memory now as its much brighter now and livelier now