I was startled by the immediate darkness. Though that was not the most disturbing aspect. I seemed to be, floating? When looking around I realized I couldn’t feel my… well anything.

“James?! Where are you?” I whimpered, feeling terrified. Did they cut our power? No, if the lights were out I would still be able to feel my desk and chair. I figured this was another nightmare, but it felt different from any nightmare I had ever had. I was completely lucid and it honestly felt more like an out-of-body experience than anything else.

Suddenly, I felt a warm oppressive light bearing down on me. It seemed to come from everywhere at once. It filled my being with a feeling of power and strength; like nothing could stop me. Suddenly I felt as though strange tendrils were reaching into the very fabric of my being. They radiated an immeasurable power and, what I could only describe as, love. I felt forced to speak.

“I will not accept the Light of Life!” It felt as though my very soul screamed the words, but I was disconnected from them, like I was watching someone speak for me. Was I disassociating in a dream? The warmth of the light drained from my body. It was immediately replaced by a dreadful gnawing desire, like this unseen force was promising me power at the cost of consuming life. It was suffocating. Suddenly I felt the tendrils reach into my soul once more. It pulled another answer out of me.

“I will not accept the Desire of death!” my voice echoed from what felt like the very fabric of my being. But I still felt disconnected from the person speaking, even though the words seemed to come from me. I realized I could feel more of my body now. Parts of me, like my arms and legs, began to solidify and strengthen. A feeling of relief overcame me, as I became grounded in the here and now.

Suddenly I yelled out again.

“I will not accept the Burden of Metal!” with the sense of relief draining from me, my body now felt feeble and vulnerable. I hated this feeling with every part of me. Why was I saying these things? What did they mean? Then I suddenly felt as though I was filled with energy and new life. There was a part of me that knew I could share this light with others if I wanted to. I felt a sense of fulfillment I never had before. My body began to glow in the darkness. I looked down at my body, able to see it somewhat clearly for the first time. But it wasn't my body, all the familiar curves and shapes that gave me my distinctly female appearance were gone. There was just a glowing form of a basic human shape with no defined features that told if it was male or female.

‘James would be loving every second of this. More ideas for his game,’ I thought with a mixture of humor and longing, then I heard myself shout again.

“I refuse the Push of the Light!” Immediately the light drained away. Leaving my body a pitch black shadow with a blue glowing outline. Like my body was its own solar eclipse.

‘Ok, now this is cool. This dream is kinda fun, gives me ideas for some cool drawings I can do. So, what’s next?’ with the new form I didn’t notice much of a difference until…

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The pit in my stomach was there again. An all too familiar dread, like it belonged. I felt a sense of panic as I heard my voice start to speak again.

“I Accept-” my voice was cut off. I forced my mouth closed. And with all the will and energy I could muster, I wished the pit at the core of my being would disappear. Imagining that its all-consuming dread, despair, pain and fear were being pushed out of my body. This time it felt like I was the one that opened my mouth and screamed in defiance.

“I refuse this too!!” there was nothing but silence. A few moments later I heard my voice speak again, but like before, I felt far away like I wasn't the one speaking.

“I am partial to the Pull of the Void.” The gnawing pit disappeared soon after. ‘What do you mean I'm 'partial' to it? Just because I lived with it every day does not mean I choose it! I hated it! I only ever wished it would go away, now your saying I want it?’ I managed to collect myself as the next sensation filled my body. It was like I was floating down a river, following its ebb and flow, a feeling of deep relaxation only adjusting as I needed to. I glowed a bluish hue this time. ‘What do my responses mean? Why am I saying these things? I am the one speaking right? When am I going to wake up?’ These questions flooded my mind and I began to panic, so lost in my thoughts that I barely noticed when I spoke again.

“I refuse the Flow of Water! I refuse the Freedom of Wind!”.

I snapped back to the present moment when I realized I had completely missed the change in sensation from 'water' to 'wind'.

‘Wait, what? Was that important?’ then my body felt strong, sturdy and snug. A knowledge that I was safe and my body could endure anything, as though I was one with the earth, filled me. My body glowed a deep brown. My voice echoed again.

“I refuse the Empowerment of Earth!” at those words my brown glow shifted to a fiery red. Suddenly I was overcome by an intense pain.

‘I was wondering when this nightmare would get worse,’ but this pain was familiar and I felt embraced by it. I felt… I began to cry but the tears would not flow. I thought of James and wished I could be in his embrace and be safe. At that moment it rang throughout my entire body, the very words that I soon would find to define my life.

“I accept the Cleansing of Fire!” I heard myself scream.

My body returned to its nothing state and the fiery embrace left me, but a slight warmth remained. I cried in the unreal silence for a long time. A sinking feeling began to creep in.

‘Why haven’t I woken up? James should have come and brought me to bed already. And my nightmares tended to end when I reached the worst of it. This was still a dream, right? It had to be. It's not like I died, right?’ This last question made me weep even more. I always did have trouble handling things when I got overwhelmed. I realized my hand had begun to extend forward. It was reaching for what appeared to be an orb, it looked like a tiny solar eclipse floating just a few feet in front of me. Beside it was a second orb, this one a rolling ball of fire resembling a small sun. A sudden surge of emotion overcame me and I screamed.

“I want James!” I jerked my hand away from the dark orb and grabbed the small sun. My body burst once more in a fiery light, but this was far more intense than the last time. For once in this dream, I felt truly happy, the fire was no longer painful. It felt as though I was being given strength and a new will to fight. I was enjoying this newfound sense of power when my attention was drawn to an orange and red light that appeared in the darkness. My body, completely unprompted, began moving towards it.