I awoke to a bright light hitting my eyes and the high-pitched obnoxious blaring of my alarm. It was a sharp contrast with the warm embrace of the large man lying next to me, radiating a feeling of safety and comfort that I didn't want to leave. Alas, my alarm reminded me that it could not last and I had commitments that couldn't be ignored. I got up, managing to extract myself from the wide arms wrapped around me, and my husband kindly assisted with a not-so-warm push launching me from the bed.

I stumbled to the bathroom sink to run a comb quickly through my long hair and brush my teeth. I only offered a glance at myself in the mirror, my small stature, and my out-of-shape body before leaving the bathroom. I stopped by the bed kissing my, still somehow asleep, husband’s head as I left the bedroom and started my 'commute' to work. Since the pandemic hit I had enjoyed the luxury of working from home. I made the short walk down the hall toward my office when suddenly I felt something furry brush against my leg. Startled I looked down to see the two little furry demons circling my legs, meowing for their breakfast, tails twitching. The two cats, one orange and one black, looked up at me expectantly.

I gave a heavy sigh, “Ok, fine. Mom will feed you. You haven't eaten since dinner so I’m sure you’re both starving.” I replied sarcastically. Pondering my day, I added quickly while bending over, “So long as I get my fluffy snuggles,” as though on cue the orange cat, the fluffier of the two felines, rolled over with a chirping meow, offering up the payment of belly rubs. Bending over I indulged the little bit of joy I would have that morning, before quickly righting myself and dishing out the dry food into the two small bowls decorated with paw prints. After ensuring the four-legged residents were fed, I moved on to my own breakfast. I munched on some crackers and tuna salad, it was one of the few foods I could bring myself to eat lately. I made my way to the office, sat down at my desk and put on my headset.

The workday was fine as it was slow. It was a simple job, offering phone support to people who still struggled with finding a 'login' button on a website. But even if it wasn't in my preferred field, it kept a roof over our heads and food on the table. I had gone to school to study art, believing I could make a life I loved from the pictures I draw, but despite sacrificing four years it had amounted to basically nothing.

During my downtime between calls, I still enjoyed drawing, some days it felt like the only thing keeping me sain. I loved it and the things that I could do with it, the worlds I could create. I was lost in a sketch when a brush against the nape of my neck startled me. It was followed by a peck on the cheek as my husband embraced me from behind, I still sat in my desk chair, enjoying the warmth and the comfortable silence. After a moment he spoke.

“Good morning sweetheart,” James whispered in my ear.

“Your lucky I’m on break, otherwise I'd be getting a lot of questions right now,” I shot playfully back at him.

I turned to face him and took in his nearly naked form, he sported a body that clearly said, ‘I’m married now. Crunches? Pushups? What are those?’. Despite his less-than-perfect physique, he was still a very handsome and large man sporting the intimidating air of his Viking ancestors which was in stark contrast with his cuddly and loving demeanor.

He was still barely dressed even though it was halfway through the day. He had spent the night before doing his own artistic pursuits, James was a game designer and was amazing at creating intricately woven worlds. Unfortunately, he lost his factory job after falling ill for a prolonged period. The damage his illness had done to his body meant there was no way for him to continue doing the back-breaking work.

“Calls busy today?” he inquired with a hint of hope in his eyes.

“No,” I replied with a heavy sigh as I knew what he was hinting at. We spent the remainder of the downtime between calls bouncing ideas off each other for his game design. James did this whenever he had the chance, he liked to verbalize his ideas and receive feedback and I was the only person he felt he could do that with. He eventually left when he had exhausted all his questions and finished his show and tell of his progress. I admired his work, I thought it was amazing just like him, but it tended to consume him.

I did enjoy it, it was fun, interesting, and creative. But lately, it has been burning me out. I was the only one bringing in a stable income. James has been trying his best, taking on small commission work and donating plasma to try and help out where he can. But it is just not enough and the issues with money have led to a lot of arguments. I wanted to support his dream of becoming a game designer and I saw how much work he was putting into it, but it wasn't going to pay the bills any time soon.

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Sometimes, I just want to be left alone, to enjoy a moment of peace with the work I loved and could put all my worries and responsibilities out of my mind. Finally, my work day came to an end. James fed the cats while I walked down the hall heading to the kitchen for a drink when I spotted the overflowing laundry basket. The same one I had asked James to wash for me yesterday. I gave a sigh. I walked to his open office door, where he sat at his computer, headphones on.

“Hey, hun, can you carry the laundry downstairs? It’s pretty heavy,” I called out to him, raising my voice to make sure he heard me. “In a bit babe, let me finish this level,” Was the response that came, he sounded distracted, like he had only half heard me. I waited for a few minutes, cleaning here and there, and eventually got up and peered into James's office.

He was still testing his dungeon-delving game. So, I decided to take the overstuffed laundry basket down the stairs. Nearly tripping over my own feet, as I couldn't see over the basket packed with clothes. Three hours later, all the laundry was washed, dried and ready to be taken back upstairs to be put away. I had just finished cooking and I sent James a message that dinner was ready. He appeared a few minutes later with a small pile of dishes and a frown.

“I lost track of time. I fixed the level and finished building half of the next one when I saw your message,” he looked down at me, his hazel eyes were clear with guilt, even though he towered over a foot taller than me at six feet he seemed to shrink."I'm sorry Nara," I gave a wave of my hand.

"It's fine, I'm used to it," my tone harder than I meant it to be. He washed the dishes he had brought down and grabbed his serving of spaghetti.

“Would you like to snuggle up and watch a movie while we eat?” he asked, seeking either redemption or an excuse to procrastinate on his work. I figured it was most likely procrastination.

“Finish the level James,” He gave me his signature puppy-dog eyes. Those eyes had a way of turning me to putty and I would let him get away with anything. But tonight they didn't seem to have much of an effect on me. I just felt tired.

“I'll finish the level tonight, I promise. The CD released a new video. Maybe since it's quick we can-“

“I’m not feeling well and want some space,” I cut him off sharply, grabbed some crackers and cheese from the pantry, and quickly walked past him doing my best to ignore the pained look on his face. I loved spaghetti, it was one of my favorites, but looking at it now I felt sick at the thought of eating it. I made it to my office closing the door behind me.

I stood there and struggled not to cry, and failed miserably. The weight of everything seemed to hit me, coming in waves, as soon as I thought it had receded another one came. I was a failure, I had nothing to show for my effort but a nearly empty bank account and a mountain of debt. I was angry at myself for being so harsh and cruel to James, he didn't deserve it, but it just felt as though the world and everything in it were against us. That we weren't allowed to feel happy and safe. And if by some miracle we did manage to get those things, they would just be ripped away again.

I took several long deep breaths, eventually, the tears slowed and my breathing evened out. I made my way to the desk and sat down, opened the web browser on my computer and pulled up the video page for Conductor of the Dutchess, or the CD, the newest episode was displayed on the main page. It had been our favorite show for the longest time. I felt a guilty pang as the video started. He was probably watching this same video in the next room. We could still talk about it later, obsessing over every little detail like we always did.

'It'll be fine, everything will be fine,' I tried to convince myself. The pit in my stomach seemed to grow and even the crackers and cheese looked disgusting. I pushed them away. I needed a distraction to keep the dark thoughts in the back of my mind from making their way to the forefront.

I started drawing, letting everything else fade to background noise, as the voice of the Conductor of the Dutchess seemed to be the only sound. I didn't know how long I had been working, I must have stayed up pretty late because the next thing I knew my eyes refused to stay open and my head lowered to the desk.

I knew James would notice I wasn't in bed, he would come to the office and carry me to the bedroom. He really loved me so much, despite everything I was glad we had each other. I imagined his strong arms carrying me to the bed, I would apologize to James for being harsh, tell him I was just overwhelmed and I didn't mean to hurt him. He would apologize for adding to my worries and tell me it wasn't all on me, we were in this together just like we always were. Then we would curl up together in a warm embrace and a feeling of safety and love would follow as we fell asleep. My eyelids dropped and blackness came.

Only for them to snap back open again, but all I saw was utter darkness.