As soon as the Paralyzed effect wore off, I army-crawled my way to shelter, taking cover in one of those Fisher-Price fake plastic stores for little kids. It was cramped and shitty, with Lambo sticking out through a window, but it gave me some cover while my health regenerated back to full. HP would regen faster outside of combat, but since I was apparently fighting something, I had to wait, like, 7 minutes to fully heal, all the while Lambo was giving me what I interpreted as a dirty look for my cowardice.
“Shut up, dude. We’re water type and we’re fighting lightning, we’ve already lost the type match-up. Haven’t you played Pokemon?”
They rolled an eye at me and clacked one of their beaks impatiently.
“Fine,” I said and poked my head out of an opening and looked around. My eyes boggled in surprise as I heard a deafening “TSREEEEEEEEEEEEW” from above, and felt the hair on my arm stand on end again. I retreated back into my cover as a giant, black bird landed on the roof of a nearby SUV, shattering the windows and crumpling the steel as it touched down. Its wingspan was easily ten feet, maybe more, and the bird was cracking with blue and yellow energy, with the intelligent eyes of a raven staring me down. A long health bar appeared at the top of my screen, labeled “Elite Thunderbird.”
I groaned and shot a 1-MP Fire Bolt at it, dealing minimal damage. The bird shrieked again, a sonic boom sending my shelter- with me in it- flying back into the side of a house, and flew off. Lambo’s point was buried in the dirt when we landed, much to their chagrin. I didn’t take much damage from the impact, so I jumped to my feet, grabbed Lambo, and sprinted to the playground across the street in the middle of Kiwanis Park, narrowly avoiding another lightning strike along the way. I wanted to get under a nearby pavilion, smack in the middle of the little park I was in, but the Thunderbird hovered too close for me to make a move.
“Stop puppy-guarding me, asshole! That’s against the rules!” I shouted, to no response.
The playground wasn’t as good of cover as the plastic house, but all that metal served as an efficient lightning rod, so I guess it evened out. The thunderbird had a pretty simple attack pattern: it would try to strike me with lightning, swoop down to either swipe at me with its talons or screech at me, and then fly back up to restart the pattern. I was hiding out in one of those plastic tubes with the tiny little portholes, perfectly sized for me to stick my hand out and take a potshot when it came down without exposing the rest of my body.
Eventually, the bird got wise to my plan and perched on top of my tube. It bent down to poke me through the opening with its thin, sharp beak, but I was ready with a 4-MP Fire Bolt. I could pump up to 5 MP into a Fire Bolt, each point making the spell take twice as long to charge, a 1 MP shot would be instantaneous, 2 MP would be about 5 seconds, 10 seconds for 3, 15 for 4, and 30 seconds for a 5-MP spell. Each point of MP would also multiply the spell’s damage, and deal an additional amount of damage equal to the MP I spent, so basically 4x + 4 (where x is equal to my intelligence, so 5), even though the text of the spell implied it would only multiply the damage.
All that is to say I only kinda fucked up the Thunderbird, dealing around a tenth of its HP with the attack. It was not a sustainable strategy, I was already almost out of MP; I’d need to get out there and use Lambo if I had any hope of killing it. The bird did not like me blasting its face with fire magic and screeched at me in retaliation, the force tearing apart the bolts holding the tube together and sending me flying. This time the impact hurt as fuck, sending me down past half-health.
Instead of finishing me off, though, it turned its head and flew away, as if distracted. As I got up, I saw a beautiful, tiny green glint in the sky, even through all the storm clouds. Lightning struck again, this time somewhere away from me, and I heard a concerned voice shout out, “Shelby!”
“Chris?” I yelled.
“Evan!” Chris exclaimed, somewhere out of view, and then he yelled, “whoa, fuck off, bird brain!” A red funnel appeared over the Thunderbird’s health bar, and it ticked down a little as I hustled my way over to where the action was. Shelby was standing still, it looked like he was paralyzed, holding a sword. His health was at about 4/5th. Chris had one of the knives he’d thrown at my bubble in his hand, with red energy flowing into him from the bird.
“Whoa dude, are you a vampire? Why aren’t you sparkling?” I asked.
Chris gave me a weird look and turned his attention back to the Thunderbird, flying back up.
“You’re getting fucked up,” he pointed out, making it sound like an off-handed comment and not a sick burn, thus intensifying the burn. Such was Chris’s M.O.
“Shut up, I’m a fucking wizard now and I don’t have to take shit.” I said. Chris gave me a skeptical look.
“Whole lot of good your magic’s been doing… besides, what does a ‘fucking wizard’ need with a spear?” Chris snarked. Lambo poked a couple tentacles out, and snapped their beak at him. Chris’s jaw dropped.
“Nevermind, man, that guy’s sick.” He said, and got struck by lightning.
“Evan!” Shelby exclaimed happily, his paralysis wearing off.
“Shelby!” I said, “we gotta get to cover!”
“Aye aye!” He said, picking Chris up and tucking his long spindly body under his arm. We ran toward the pavilion, but the Thunderbird dive-bombed us, planting a talon into each of our backs, knocking us down and sending Chris’s stiff body and Lambo skittering across the pavement.
“O-OW!” Chris shouted, his paralysis timing out as he slid. Shelby suffered the most out of us; the Thunderbird just kinda kicked me while it scraped deeply into Shelby’s back, tearing through his hoodie.
Shelby rolled like a fucking action hero and screamed angrily. Over his head, his health slowly ticked back up as he grabbed Lambo from the ground and flung them like a javelin.
“You ripped my sweater!” He shouted as he threw Lambo. Chris and I shared a frightened look, we’d never seen Shelby like this. It was like when my sweet grandmother got road rage taking me and my sister to the airport.
Lambo pierced the Thunderbird’s wing, the single attack knocking it down to two-thirds health. The bird let out an ear-shattering shriek and struck out desperately with its lightning attack, missing us by a long shot. It flapped its wings, trying to dislodge the spear, but Lambo held on with their tentacles, dealing tiny amounts of damage with their beaks.
“Yes! Fuck yeah, dude,” Chris shouted and slapped Shelby on the back. Shelby didn’t respond, instead pulling his sword out of his inventory and chasing down the Thunderbird as it tried to get some distance while descending.
“You ripped my sweater!” He repeated when the bird touched down and started wailing on it with the sword. Chris, trailing a bit away alongside me, shrugged and ran up, kicking and punching the bird almost too fast for me to make out his movements.
They got it down to half-health before the Thunderbird unhappily screeched, sending Shelby and Chris flying back. Chris’s health was down past half, but Shelby was still doing fine, especially after healing earlier. I was still close to death from getting slammed by the bird's talon.
“You gotta watch out for that one,” I said smugly. With both of my friends disarmed, I ran forward and sent my Minor Hand to pull Lambo out of the bird’s wing before it flew up too high.
Hitting half health changed up the Thunderbird’s attack pattern just a little bit, now it would summon lightning times before ascending. We dodged our way back to the pavilion, giving me some time to regenerate a single point of MP along the way. The Thunderbird landed on the roof of the pavilion, allowing me to send my Minor Hand up and shoot it with a 1-Mana Fire Bolt, mostly to just flush it out.
The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
“I think you could put this guy to better use than me,” I said, handing Lambo over to Shelby. Lambo purred in his hands. Despite not being wielded by me, the game still considered me as having Lambo equipped, so I still had the stat bonuses.
“Hey, uh, your spear is… making a sound.” He said. Chris looked back and forth between us, bewildered.
“I think that means they like you. I named them Lambo.”
“After the car?” Shelby asked.
“The Packers.” I said.
“Ugh, whatever, let’s just kill this thing.” Chris interrupted and peeked out from under the pavilion. The Thunderbird had already ascended, but wasn’t hitting us with lightning. After, like, thirty seconds, we got bored and sent Chris to bait out the attacks.
“No!” He protested.
“You’ve got the highest dexterity,” Shelby pointed out.
“Plus you got that speed up ability or whatever.” I added.
Chris rolled his eyes and ran a lap around the playground, nimbly dodging the lightning bolts with ease.
“Spear me!” He said as he was coming back. Shelby tossed him the spear, which he caught and used to vault himself upwards. He pushed off one of the support beams of the pavilion, and used his momentum to swing himself up onto the roof. It was actually super badass, but I would never admit that to his face.
“Holy shit, dude! You’re a ninja!” Shelby shouted.
“I’m not a ninja,” Chris said from the roof. We heard a commotion above us as the Thunderbird landed again, and watched another red funnel appear over its health bar. The bird’s health ticked steadily down, and then a large chunk of the bar disappeared. It was down to less than a third, now.
Chris slid down the roof as three lightning bolts struck the pavilion, dispersing through the metal, damaging Chris in the process. If he hadn’t used his red vampire ability, he probably would have died. We quickly pulled him under the pavilion and Shelby took Lambo back.
“Wait, I have an idea,” I said, “get the spear ready.”
“You sure?” Shelby said. I nodded and ran out of the pavilion. The Thunderbird started dive-bombing me again. I saw that Chris had gotten a good hit to its center mass, blood trickled out of a vertical slash in its chest.
Right before the bird collided with me, I threw myself to the ground and pulled my Minor Hand, holding the spear, close to me. Lambo skewered the bird through the head, killing it instantly. The Thunderbird’s big bloody corpse landed on me, its feathers felt like hundreds of tiny static electricity shocks across my body. It hurt, but it dealt minimal HP damage.
Shortly, the bird’s body dissolved into dust, leaving behind a shiny cloak made of yellow feathers.
“Dibs!” I said and added it to my inventory.
“Hey, what the fuck? You got the cool spear.” Chris complained.
“Yeah, but I’m giving it to Shelby. You got your knives.” I pointed out.
“You got magic.” Chris said.
“So? Whole lotta good that did for me.” I said.
“You- don’t twist my words against me, that’s what I do.”
“He did call dibs,” Shelby said.
“Okay, fine, but I get the next thing,” Chris said.
“I’m cool with that,” I said.
“Yeah, me too,” Shelby said.
I put on my new cloak and instantly felt much more badass.
Mantle of the Thunderbird - Epic Elite Item
Crafted by a devout Storm Acolyte, this mantle imbues the wearer with the might of a Thunderbird. Flight not included.
* + 3 Constitution
* + 1 Dexterity
* + 1 Intelligence
* Wearer takes 50% less thunder damage, deals 25% more thunder damage, and is immune to Stun and Paralysis.
We each jumped up a level after killing the Thunderbird. I got a point in Dexterity, while Shelby and Chris each got a point in Constitution, on top of what our respective jobs gave us. Level 4 Pugilist gave Chris a point in Dexterity, another level in Acrobatics, and a 10% damage bonus to improvised weapons. Level 4 Fighter gave Shelby a point each in Dexterity and Wisdom, and reduced the speed reduction for wearing armor by 5%. I didn’t even know that wearing armor reduced your speed. Huh.
Finally, Level 4 Arcanist gave me a point each in Wisdom and Intelligence, and gave me a choice of a new spell. They were all damage spells, each one tied to a different element, so I went with the one that synergized most with my new item.
Spark Shot - Level 1 Spell
Range: 45 feet
Shoots a sparking bolt of electricity at a target within range. Deals 6 thunder damage per point of mana spent in casting, with a chance based on caster’s Wisdom to Stun the target for 1 second.
Shelby gave me his shortsword, though I doubted I would actually use it that much. The stat boost was almost identical to what I got from Lambo, except the sword gave my two points in Charisma.
“So, what have you guys been up to?” I asked after we finished sorting out our stats and inventories.
“We found some fucked up shit,” Chris said, Shelby nodding emphatically, “but then we saw a space butterfly. It was awesome.”
“We saved Ms. Hogerman from an elf.” Shelby added.
“Oh yeah, we got attacked by a wizard lady and her himbo boyfriend or something, too.”
“No way, I got attacked by a wizard too. He was mad at me for touching his hole,” I said,
“Ew,” Shelby said.
“...Did you touch his hole?” Chris asked.
“Um, no.” I said.
“I don’t believe that.” Chris said.
“Evan, did you touch the wizard’s hole?” Shelby asked.
I sighed, “yes, I touched the wizard’s hole. But not his butthole!” I quickly added.
“What hole did you touch?” Chis asked.
“So, uh, remember when I went out to smoke with Endrew last night?” I asked.
“Yes,” Chris said; “No,” Shelby said.
“There was a hole, um, in mid-air, like, in reality. And I touched it.” I said,
“Why did you touch the wizard’s reality hole?” Chris asked judgmentally.
“Um, I don’t really know. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“Uh-huh.” Shelby nodded.
“Do you think that maybe, um, YOU FUCKING CAUSED ALL THIS SHIT?” Chris exploded.
“Whoa whoa whoa, chill chill chill.” Shelby said, moving in between Chris and myself.
“Yeah, I did consider that,” I said defensively, “how was I supposed to know it would fucking video game the shit out of everthing?”
“I don’t know,” Chris said, “that’s why you don’t touch holes that you don’t know about!”
“Well, I did, and we’re here now. I’m sorry. I would do it again if I could. Now Boris can’t push me around anymore.” Boris was my boss at Chicken Warlock.
“Then all the people that got killed by the elves and wizard, their blood is on your hands,” Chris jabbed his finger at me.
“What?” Shelby and I said at the same time.
“That’s not fair, dude,” Shelby said, and addressed me, “look, we’re still shook up by something we saw; something, like, turned a car into flesh and destroyed these people’s bodies. If you’d seen it, you’d be scared shitless too.”
“That’s it? You’re scared of some Cthulhu meat car? I’ll melt that shit, just give me a few levels.”
“What if we don’t have that much time?” Chris asked, “that thing is out there, whatever or whoever it is. It’s gonna find us eventually. This neighborhood isn’t that big.”
“Yeah, but we’re stronger together, if we work together, we can do anything.” Shelby said.
“If we work together, we can barely kill a bird,” I said bitterly.
“We saved your life, didn’t we?” Chris asked, “look, I’m sorry. Shelby’s right, I’m scared shitless. You’re lucky that you got this far without much trouble from other, I don’t know, invaders. We weren’t. We gotta stick together or they’re gonna kill all of us.”
“And we don’t know for sure that I caused this.” I pointed out, “for all we know, touching the hole is what got us into the game in the first place.”
“Yeah, maybe you’re right. We don’t know shit,” Shelby agreed.
“Let’s get to the bottom of this and then start pointing fingers, okay?” I said.
“Fine.” Chris said.
“Good,” Shelby said, “now hug.”
“What?” Chris and I asked in unison.
“You guys were yelling at each other and I didn’t like it. Now hug.” He demanded.
Chris and I reluctantly hugged, but I have to admit, I did feel better afterwards. I wasn’t going to admit that to them, though. I’ll admit it to you, though.
“Perfect, now let’s save the fucking world, okay?” Shelby said.