“Mrs. Hogerman sucks, dude. She called you a fag, remember?” I said. Mrs. Hogerman was this little, middle-aged woman whose husband left her for a man about ten years ago, and she still hasn’t moved on, keeping his last name. She has about 16 cats, all named after her ex-husband. Thankfully, it’s hard to run out of nicknames or variations of Bob.
“So? We gotta help her.” Shelby said.
“Why risk your life for someone who wants you dead?”
“Ugh,” Shelby rolled his eyes, “she doesn’t want me dead. She’s just a hateful old lady who's been hurt. Does that mean she deserves to get murdered by a wizard or an elf or some shit?”
“Fine, you’re right. Let’s go save this bitch.” I said, and ran toward her house. As I approached, a fat black and white cat came bounding out of the front door and between my legs.
“Roberto!” Shelby shouted happily, and scooped the cat up. Mrs. Hogerman lets the cats come and go as they please, and Shelby was well acquainted with a few of them. Roberto crawled up and around his neck, perching himself unhelpfully on Shelby’s shoulders.
“Get off, dude, please,” Shelby pleaded as we tried to stealthily breach the house. Our position was immediately given away by a gang of 5 cats who mewed at us, all at least as well-fed as Roberto.
“Shut up, assholes.” I said and ran into Mrs. Hogerman’s living room. She was lying on the ground, looking even more frail and wrinkled than usual, wearing pajamas that kinda made her look like the little girl from The Exorcist. Above her body, small text read “Level 0 Human.” Standing above her, hunched over, was a pale, thin man with white, slicked back hair and pointed ears. He wore a black cloak, making him look formless in the dim light of the home, and held a dagger in his hand. From Mrs. Hogerman’s body, a sparkly green energy poured into the dagger, the flow trickling off as I approached. Floating above his head were the words “Klesper Vesperstar, Level 3 Excommunicator.”
“This is a surprise.” Chris Kirby. Welcome to the game,” he said, a wide, mirthless smile growing on his face.
“I know my name’s floating above my head, dude, don’t try that.” I said, and turned to Shelby, “besides, what type of fucking name is Klesper?”
“Klesper the Unfriendly Ghost?” Shelby suggested.
“Hey, we called you an excommunicator after you drunk-called Seth, remember? That was a good night.”
“Shut up, we’re dunking on this guy, not me.” He complained.
“Right,” I said, and turned back to Klesper, “step away from the old lady, chode,” I said, though by the time I looked at him he was gone, having taken advantage of us distracting ourselves to hide in the shadows of the old lady’s house. I made a mental note to wait until we had an advantage before we started making fun of our enemies. Mrs. Hogerman groaned weakly from the ground.
Shelby pulled his healing potion out of his inventory, and knelt down to pour it down Mrs. Hogerman’s throat while I watched out for Klesper. The old lady started sputtering out the potion, but soon color started to pour back into her face. As soon as I remembered I was supposed to be on guard, I realized I now had two knives, both glowing red, sticking out of opposite sides of my torso.
Status Effect: Red Siphon (10 Seconds)
* Take 2 Damage per second
* Restore 1 SP & 1 MP per second to caster
“Hey, what the fuck?” I asked out loud, panicking to drink my own health potion as my health quickly depleted, a little red funnel over my health bar. I pulled out the knives and chugged the potion, wincing as the wounds stitched themselves closed. It tasted sorta like slightly bitter grenadine.
“Dude, you gotta-” I trailed off before I could recommend the potion to Shelby. His red bar on my screen was reduced to just a sliver. Under his health bar, a small pained face, kinda like The Scream, pulsated in front of a small timer, quickly depleting. Thousands of thin, long needles poked in his back, making him look kinda like a radioactive porcupine. Little motes of white light sparked out of the needles and flowed toward Mrs. Hogerman’s kitchen.
“Fuck, Shelby!” I shouted unhelpfully. His eyes widened slowly and activated his [Adrenaline] ability. At least I assume he did, I watched his health slowly tick back up a little and shifted my focus back to finding this Klesper asshole. The white sparkle stream shifted, and I quickly activated [Flurry of Blows].
The increased attack speed also boosted my reaction time, allowing me to slightly move out of the way as Klesper lunged out of Mrs. Hogerman’s pantry, thrusting a glowing green shortsword at me. I grabbed at his sword wrist with my left hand, and jabbed him in the face with my right. With his off hand, he slapped me in the face, his palm covered in more of those green needles.
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Status Effect: Excommunicated (10 Seconds)
* Take 2 Damage per second
* Creatures affected by this affliction may not be healed through magical means for the duration.
I shouted in pain and dug my nails into his wrist, trying to find the veins on his arm. I hooked a leg around his and threw myself against his torso, knocking him down. His arm slid through my hand until I got caught against the crossguard of his shortsword. With a twist of my wrist, I disarmed the thin elf dude, and swung the sword backwards, ready to chop off his head.
A bomb went off right behind me. At least, that’s what it sounded like. I stumbled backwards, and looked over my shoulder. Little legs trembling, Mrs. Hogerman grasped a revolver with both hands, terrified determination on her face. Smoke wisped out of the barrel of the gun. I looked back at Klesper. Blood poured from the hole in his head, dripping onto the linoleum tile. Even in death his face was smug.
“Holy shit, Mrs. Hogerman, you killed that guy.” I said. She didn’t respond, or even move.
“Oh yeah,” I said, and waited for her to unfreeze. After about 5 seconds of silence, she frantically started pointing her gun at us, alternating between me and Shelby. According to the nameplate above her head, her first name was Dolores and she was a Level 1 Gunslinger.
“Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa, hey, hey, hey,” Shelby stammered, “whoa, Mrs. Hogerman, put the gun down. We just saved your life.”
She kept the gun on Shelby and steeled her gaze, “what in the world is happening?” She asked.
“I think we’re, like, in a video game.” I said, and pointed at Klesper, “it could be his fault. I dunno.” I shrugged.
“Change it back.” She demanded. Shelby and I looked at eachother.
“We don’t know how.” I said. She responded by pointing her gun at me.
“Then…,” she hesitated, thinking, “figure it out!”
“Fuck! Okay, shit! We’ll figure it out, just put the gun down!” I shouted. Shelby dragged me out of there by my sleeve before she could shoot me.
“Good! Don’t come back until we’re back to reality!” She shouted as we left.
A meow came from Shelby. He had a noticeable bulge rustling under his shirt, roughly the size of a very fat cat. His health was slowly going down.
“Put it down, man.” I said. Shelby sighed and lifted up his shirt, revealing a striped orange cat scratching at his stomach. Because it was a living thing, he couldn’t just put it in his inventory.
“But Bobby is my favorite.” He protested.
“Do you want to get shot by a trigger-happy old lady? Because this,” I gestured toward him, “is how you get shot by an old lady.”
“Okay, fine,” he said sadly, and set Bobby on the ground with resignation. Bobby scurried back into Mrs. Hogerman’s house, the door still open from our escape.
“What do you think he meant by that?” Shelby asked.
“By what?” I asked.
“‘Welcome to the game.’"
“Oh, I don’t know,” I said with a shrug, “maybe, it’s like, we’re the most dangerous game.”
“These dudes have magic, and we’re the dangerous ones.” Shelby said skeptically.
“Hey, man, we’re alive, right? And they aren’t. Fuck ‘em.”
“Right, fuck ‘em. Let’s make sure Evan didn’t die.” Shelby said, somberly.
“Oh, hey, we leveled up!” He noticed after a beat, breaking us out of the impending dour mood. The notification was a lot smaller this time, instead of a big pop up box that took up the center of my vision, there was just a little golden star over my health bar.
Leveling up gave us a +1 to a random stat, plus the benefit from our job. Any time we leveled up as a job, that job also leveled up. Level 2 gave me a +1 to Intelligence and Shelby a +1 to Wisdom, neither of which felt deserved.
Pugilist
Level 2
Novice brawler class. Excels at close-combat and improvised weapons.
Level Bonuses:
Level 1: +1 Dexterity, +1 Level to Skill: Acrobatic, Unlock Job Ability [Flurry of Blows]
Level 2: +1 Constitution, Unlock Ability [Meditate]
[Meditate] - Pugilist Ability
Convert MP to SP at a rate of 1:1 per second.
Fighter
Level 2
For those who like to fight, or want to find a new job quickly.
Level Bonuses:
Level 1: +1 Strength, +1 Level to Skill: [Random Common/Uncommon Skill], Unlock Job Ability [Adrenaline]
Level 2: +1 Constitution, +1 Dexterity
“What? I don’t get an ability? Fighter’s so boring.” Shelby complained
I shrugged, “sucks to suck, dude.”
“Whatever,” Shelby rolled his eyes, “let’s go find bubble boy.” As if on cue, the bubble materialized about 20 feet in the air, at the opposite end of the street. Much closer now, we could see a tubby looking Asian guy wearing cargo shorts and a HunterxHunter t-shirt banging on the walls of the bubble. It didn’t look like he'd noticed us yet.
“Yep, that’s Evan, alright.” I said.