I woke up groggily in the street in front of Endrew’s house, head pounding. I crawled slowly to my feet, trying to remember what I drank to end up here, and saw a wizard standing in someone’s lawn. Like, purple robe, pointy hat, long beard-ass wizard. Panic set in as I remembered touching the hole. No way I summoned a wizard.
The wizard started walking in my direction, no, he was walking toward me. He was looking at me, too.
“What’s your problem, dude?” I asked, not moving from my place on the ground.
“Evan Who.” He said. His voice was high-pitched and nasally, like a nerd in a cartoon.
“Who?” I asked.
“You.” He said.
“Evan Yu?” I asked, “I don’t know him.” I was just fucking with him, my name was Evan Who. It’s technically Hu, but my grandma was the only one who spoke English when her family immigrated in the 60s, and she’s a bit of a comedian.
“Silence!” He said, his voice booming like thunder, “I know who you are. You touched my hole. Stand up while I’m talking to you, boy!”
I looked at him and groaned. The way he was bossing me around reminded me that I was late for work.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck,” I said, crawling to my feet, “later, nerd.”
I turned around and got three steps before I bumped into the wizard.
“Whoa, dude.” I said and sized him up. He was old and bony, a little taller than me, but not tall enough that I couldn’t bowl him over with my, uh, weight advantage. I wasn’t fat, but I’m not thin. Average, y’know?
“You would do best to listen,” he said, literally looking down his nose at me.
“Fuck you, nerd, I’m late to work,” I said, moving him aside with my hand. Right when I touched him, a flower sprouted from my hand, a little five-pointed star of blue petals coming out of a bright red bulb.
“What- flower- fuck, what?” I sputtered desperately. The wizard simply smirked at me. One by one, the petals popped out of the bulb, which started sparkling like a little cherry bomb.
“Shit shit shit shit shit,” I repeated until I managed to pluck the bulb and toss it away. It exploded harmlessly above the sidewalk.
I shoved the wizard, but the force from my push only sent me backwards and upwards as I started to float away in a bubble. I laughed in pure confusion, unable to keep up with what the fuck was happening. My bubble prison rotated in the air, and I could see a familiar red Prius zoom down the street toward the wizard.
“Endrew!” I exclaimed, my voice warbling strangely inside the bubble, and then shrieked when I watched his Prius explode upon making contact with the wizard. I don’t know if the impact broke the wizard’s concentration or my voice was able to pop the bubble like glass or what, but I started falling, dropping a good 10 feet and landed hard on my arm. I pretended I didn’t hear a crunch, and cried.
I heard a groan over the crackling of the car fire, the wizard was still alive. “Fuck,” I muttered and willed myself to my feet. I stumbled through the burning wreckage and felt my shoes catch on fire. I needed new ones anyway. The wizard rolled over and started to lift himself onto his hands and knees. I planted my flaming converse on his back and stomped down, burning a hole through his back.
Level Up!
I blinked rapidly. A box had popped up in front of me, always in the center of my vision no matter how much I shook my head. Suddenly, every muscle in my body froze up.
User not found. Please wait. Initializing…
After about ten seconds, my body unfroze. I shook my arms and rolled my shoulders, feeling a little stiff, but otherwise not any different. Before I could ponder the first two boxes, three more popped up:
Achievement Unlocked - Elementary
Kill an enemy with elemental damage.
Reward: Job Unlocked: 008 - Arcanist
(First Job Achievement. Job Assigned: 008 - Arcanist)
Achievement Unlocked - Burn, Baby, Burn
Kill an enemy with an attack that does fire damage!
Reward: Fire Bolt Learned
Achievement Unlocked - You’re A Wizard, Evan
Learn a spell.
Reward: Lesser Mana Potion
Each box faded after about 5 seconds, but I realized I could dismiss the last one by just not acknowledging it.
“What the fuck? I’m an arcanist?” I asked out loud.
In response, a new box popped up, this one much larger and labeled “JOB.” The left half of the screen was a 4x5 grid mostly filled with question marks, each cell labeled 001-020, with a page count at the bottom. I was on 1/50. The only cell that wasn’t a question mark was the one labeled 008, represented by a 4-point star. Cell 001 was highlighted with a red border.
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The right side of the screen was a list that was almost entirely blocked out with question marks. The only text that wasn’t question marks read “Job Locked. Complete Achievement ‘What Did You Just Say About Me?’ to unlock.”
I navigated down to 008, and the right side of the screen lit up with a lot more information:
Arcanist
Level 1
Novice magic class. Learn essential spells, level up your intelligence, and unlock more magic jobs!
Level Bonuses:
Level 1: +1 Intelligence, +1 Level to Skill: Scribe, Unlock Job Ability [Copy Homework]
Level 2: +1 Wisdom, +5% Magic Potency
Level 3: ???, ???, ???
I could scroll through the level bonuses section, but everything after level two was just question marks.
“Computer,” I announced, “show me my stats.”
A new box popped up over the job window that read “CHARACTER SHEET.” At the top, it had my name, Evan Who, with Level 1 next to it. Underneath it, read Arcanist Level 1, and then Human, and then a list of statistics:
HP: 15/15 MP: 6/6 SP: 4/4
Strength: 1
Dexterity: 2
Constitution: 3
Intelligence: 4
Wisdom: 3
Charisma: 3
Abilities:
* [Copy Homework] (Job Ability)
* [Transcribe]
Skills:
* Scribing Level 1
Near the top of the character sheet screen, there were a couple tabs, each one represented by a different icon. The one that was selected was just a simple outline of a person, a little more detailed than a stick figure. I switched to the next one, two speech bubbles, where I was met with text that said “friends list empty.” The last tab was three of the stick figures arranged in a triangle. On that screen, I had two options, “Join Party” and “Create Party.” As a leader and not a follower, I made my own party, which I could name and choose an emblem from a decent list of options.
A lot of the emblems were creatures, about two thirds of which I recognized or was familiar enough with an analogue; for example, there was a moth or butterfly, a couple fish, this ant-looking thing with long antennae that ended in bulbs, and what looked like a baby penguin with thin, chicken-y legs. One of the less-familiar creatures was a long, stumpy dog-thing with 8 legs, another was an angry cuttlefish-creature that had 6 big, round eyes and thick muscular arms, with its tentacles up in an aggressive pose. Ultimately, I chose the flame emblem, colored it purple, and named the party “Gunk Lyf 69.” Satisfied, I switched back to the main character tab.
I was able to inspect my spells, skills, and abilities by simply focusing my thoughts on them, each one opening a new window. Overwhelmed by the intangible visual clutter, I dismissed the character sheet window, and arranged the three new windows neatly before looking at them.
They all looked similar to the job menu, with a list to the left and details on the right. I started with the spell window, as it was the most different. Along the bottom, there was a single tab that read “1.” Unlike the rest of the lists, this one only had one entry as opposed to a bunch of question marks:
Fire Bolt - Level 1 Spell
Range: 30 feet
Launch a small flame at a target in range. Deals 4 fire damage per point of mana spent in casting. Prone to spreading.
A tool-tip popped up over the spell description when I opened the spell menu:
Spells cost Mana to cast. Spell damage, range, duration, and effect may all be determined by Intelligence, Wisdom, Charisma, or a combination of the three, depending on the nature of the spell. Many lower level spells limit how much these stats affect the spell.
Another tool-tip informed me that my Signature Spell was just my most cast spell. Because I only had one spell, it was selected by default.
Next was my skill window. The list was sorted by skill level, and then alphabetically within those levels, so Scribing was at the top, followed by Absolute Monarchy, Accommodation, Accounting, Achievement-Hunting, and, thankfully, Acrobatics, which was more like what I was expecting. I scrolled down a bit, but I gave up when I got to Arithmetic.
At first level, Scribing allowed me to create spell scrolls for first level spells, as well as the ability [Transcribe], which had easily accessible information in the Ability screen.
The Ability window had two tabs, one represented by a list icon, and the other represented by a magnifying glass. The magnifying glass tab was a search feature; if I knew the name of an ability, I could look it up, but it didn’t, like, autofill any suggestions. The other tab was a list of unlocked abilities, and like the spell list, it was blank otherwise. I inspected [Transcribe] first.
[Transcribe]
Level 1 Scribe Ability
When creating spell scrolls that deals or protects against damage from a specific element, the scriber may choose a different element type to be used. Status effects may be switched to an appropriate analogue. For example, An ice-element Fireball may freeze everything in its radius. Higher levels in the Scribe skill allows for greater flexibility.
It was a handy ability, but I didn’t have any parchment or a pen, so I couldn’t make any scrolls. I didn’t know I knew that. I supposed that the skill in Scribing gave me some latent knowledge that I wouldn’t process acquiring. Or something.
[Copy Homework]
Arcanist Job Ability
Once per day, the Arcanist may cast a spell that they don’t know, assuming the following conditions are met: The level of the spell cast is less than or equal to the level of the highest level spell they know, they use this ability within an hour of witnessing the copied spell, and they have enough Mana to cast the spell.
A tool-tip popped up over this ability, informing me that Job Abilities are unique to each class, ang I would generally only be able to use a Job Ability when I am switched to the appropriate job. Another tool-tip confirmed my suspicion that I could only choose one job at a time.
I closed out all my menus and took in the scene I found myself in. I still had one foot in the wizard’s torso, which I promptly removed. My normally purple Converse was charred and the rubber was warped and a little melted, but otherwise I was fine. I was surrounded by fire and wrecked Prius, and Endrew’s body was compressed under his airbag.
“Sorry, dude…” I said, and then I had the idea to loot his body. A grid popped up, labeled “Endrew Lingensen’s Inventory,” with a cellphone, a wallet, and a ziplock bag full of weed.
“Score!” I said, and took his weed. And then the cash from his wallet, which I could loot right from his inventory. And then his Wonder Ice Cream punch card.
The wizard had less exciting stuff on his body, but I was excited to learn his name was simply “Bixbaf.” He had a burnt spellbook, which would have been very useful if it was readable, ruined robes, and a snapped wand. The only thing salvageable was his boots.
Leather Boots (Buobrind Laces)
Common Boots
Laced with sinew from buobrind tentacles, enhancing the wearer’s magic properties.
* +10% Water Affinity
* + 1 Intelligence
* + 1 Wisdom
Another tool-tip informed me that Affinity would increase the damage I deal and reduce the damage I receive with the specific element.
Satisfied, I took Endrew’s keys from the ignition and stole all of the weed from his house. To test the limits of my inventory, of course. I learned that I could store at least a pound of weed in my inventory, and probably had space for way more.
I was anxious to test out my new ability, and thought back to the spells Bixbaf used on me, and figured the bubble spell might be a good option. Before I got a chance to reconsider, my mana bar drained, a bubble formed around me and I started to float off like Glinda the fucking Good Witch, and unlike earlier, I couldn’t pop it with my bare hands.