I was alive and I felt great!
I could feel the breeze on my skin, I could smell the sap from the trees. I could feel the ground beneath my feet. I felt like a human again. But then I noticed…
Something wasn’t quite right.
In my peripheral vision several icons floated. As I moved my head to try to get rid of them they followed me. At the top right was my health-bar: 50/50. Beside that was a minimap, most of which was black but a small circle around me showed green trees representing the forest in which I now stood. I focused on it to expand it and it jumped up to fill my vision, giving me a queasy sea-sick feeling.
I couldn’t see anything more, it was all still just a mass of black but I did see that there was a name given to this small patch of trees.
“The Lost Woods”
How appropriate.
I rolled my eyes.
The limitless creativity of the heavens.
I focused again on the minimap icon and the map zoomed out of focus, disappearing back into the icon at the top right of my vision.
Ok so we were learning things, so far this world was behaving like a typical RPG or MMO, I had my health, my minimap. But what about my-
A large squeal interrupted my thoughts and I whirled around, trying to find the source of it. It didn’t take me long. A large pig-like creature was pawing at the ground, staring me down from across the clearing with glowing red eyes. It had two, mean, long looking tusks and a series of spikes going down its spine. In golden letters, above its body, it was identified as:
“Helboar Level 1”
I saw that it had 23 health, less than me.
But still, how the hell was I going to fight a giant pig? With my bare hands!?
The hellboar didn’t give me a chance to think further, it began to charge straight for me.
“Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck!” I wanted to run but I didn’t have the time nor ability, all I could manage to do was jump out of the way as the large beast wooshed byme. The word “DODGE” flashed across my vision in all white lettering as I dove into the grass, surprising myself at how fast I was able to move.
This new body isn't half bad! Hippie hair or not.
The boar was shaking its head, momentarily confused before it turned, staring at me once more with its fiendish red eyes. It pawed at the ground and snorted angrily and I saw a casting bar appear above its head with the words
WILD CHARGE
<<5 seconds>>
Shit what to do, what to do?
“HELP!” I screamed, “SOMEONE HELP!”
Surprisingly, I got a response immediately, although not the one I was expecting.
Welcome to Valinor Traveller! You have activated the HELP menu. At any time you may interface with the HELP menu by speaking the word “HELP” out loud, or mentally thinking of HELP. If I can assist you in any way-
“SHUT UP FOR A MOMENT AND JUST TELL ME HOW TO FIGHT THIS THING!”
To use your abilities look on the bottom of your field of vision, your action bar rests there. By default your level one abilities are located there. In the future you can manually add or remove the abilities you wish.
I focused my vision on the bottom of the ‘screen’? Or was it my eyeline? It was all so confusing. In any case at the bottom of my field of view I saw three abilities.
I inspected the first, it was a fist clutching a dagger and simply said:
“Auto Attack”
The second was -
I had no time to check, I had taken far too long with the HELP menu and with looking at my abilities and in the meantime the Hellboar had completed casting charge and was barreling towards me once more.
This time I was far too slow to dodge. I held my hands out and braced from impact. Thankfully the beast did not gore me, instead hitting me in the stomach with its snout and tossing me up in the air like a rag doll.
I landed on my back, hard.
Through a haze of pain I saw my health bar go down from 50 to 40. I was winded and took ragged gasps of air, each one seemingly shallower than the last. Clutching my side I got to my feet, my vision blurry.
“This fucking can’t be happening, it really cant” I gasped.
But it was. I knew it was, and there was nothing I could do about it. How I wasn’t dead from impact I didn’t know, hell, nothing even seemed to be broken, just bruised.
I wiped a trickle of blood from my mouth.
“You know what fuck this, you want to play monster? I’m done with this. I hate this place. I hate whatever God sent me here, and I’m going to get out. One way or-a-fucking-nother. And get back to my damn life.”
Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.
I picked the first ability I had seen, the dagger labeled “Auto Attack”.
“Get ready to become bacon you lousy piece of shit!”
I checked the Hellboar’s casting bar:
CHARGE 3/5
It was nearly done! Fuck that thing was about to hit me again…
I had to act fast. I ran towards the beast. As I selected the dagger it materialized in my hand, I’m not sure how but I knew exactly what to do. I jabbed the small metal weapon straight between the fuckers eyes. It hit the beast with a clunk, getting lodged in its skull.
DAMAGE - 3, CRITICAL HIT!
BOAR 20/23 health
CHARGE / INTERRUPTED
My jaw literally dropped. This could not be right, his charge had done 10 damage and my critical hit had done only 3. I was totally and utterly screwed. The one upside was that I had interrupted its charge but it looked pissed.
I started backing away, the dagger was still lodged in the angry dumb brutes head. It squealed once more and I winced.
DAMAGE 1 - STABBED
BOAR 19/23 HEALTH
CHARGE 5/5
The boar was going to charge, again!? But wait.. It was still taking stab damage! A damage-over-time ability! I just had to keep dodging or do something, anything, to stay alive while that dagger damage ticked down… and I would make it out alive!
I saw the charge go down to 4… and the restless boar began pawing at the ground once more. I looked down at my two remaining unused spells.
Ok, what else Joseph, what else..
The second ability was a spell called “Creeping Vines” and the icon showed a green vine entangling a foot.
The third ability was a spell was called “Healing Touch”. I was pretty sure that I didn’t want to give that boar any kind of touch, let alone a healing one.
“CREEPING VINES!” I yelled, pointing my finger dramatically at the boar. For a moment I felt foolish as nothing happened. And then text appeared above my spell bar:
You cast Creeping Vines.
You may also cast spells by mentally selecting the spell and gesturing towards the mob you wish to attack. You do not need to speak spell names aloud.
I gritted my teeth, “Noted…” I hissed, to nobody in particular. “Help” seemed a little sarcastic in this place.
Vines sprung up out of the earth beside the boar and encircled it just as it was about to charge. The thick green thorny ropes climbed up its swollen belly, encircling the beast fully.
It roared and thrashed but it was no use. It was trapped.
DAMAGE 1 - STABBED
DAMAGE 3 - CREEPING VINES
BOAR 15/23 HEALTH
CHARGE
STATUS INCAPACITATED (10/10)
I gave a sigh of relief, at least the boar was safely trapped for now. But for how long? The text below the boars healthbar said it was “incapacitated” 10/10, what did that mean?
“HELP! What do those numbers represent?”
The numbers represent seconds, Joseph. And you don’t need to shout, you can just think. Focus your mind on what you want to ask me and I can answer it.
In the seconds I had been conversing with my new imaginary friend three more ticks of damage had gone down and the boar was at 3/23 health and was still incapacitated for 7 more seconds. I was starting to get the hang of how this worked.
I almost pitied the thing as it thrashed in the vines, bleeding from its head wound. I would put it out of its misery if I could, but having no weapon and no more spells to use I could only watch it in its final death throes.
So this was the afterlife huh. Pretty grim. So much for a loving God.
Finally the boar groaned and black text appeared above it:
You have killed Demonic Hellboar - Level 1
The boar collapsed to the floor and slowly began to fade, turning from flesh into particles of light which swirled and drifted together.
It was mesmerizing. Beautiful in a macabre way.
And then something unexpected happened, the lights coalesced into one bright ball which shone like a strobe light for a moment and then hit the ground softly, laying there and pulsating with yellow light. I grabbed the orb and the second it touched my hands, electric power coursed through my veins.
You have gained 12 experience points. You are now 12 / 100 experience points for Level One. Would you like to loot the Demonic Hellboar?
Loot it? What could it possibly… aw to hell with it, of course! Although I had no idea where the ‘loot’ would come from. Rather than forcing me to touch a corpse or rummage through the grass, a menu appeared and simply showed me the loot I could take.
LOOT
2 Boar Steaks
1 Short Sword of Mild Bravery (2-5 Damage)
I looted all of them, noting once more that I didn’t need to yell out my commands, merely think them. I also mentally asked Help for my inventory and it appeared.
INVENTORY
3/ 50
Can I check what my character is wearing?
OUTFIT
Linen Tunic <1 armor>
Linen Pants <1 armor>
Beginners Gloves <1 armor>
I equipped the sword, noting that it appeared at my side, tucked into the sash holding up my pants.
Nice touch.
My inventory now had 2/50 slots.
The next thing I checked was my health. While I had been doing inventory management it had creeped back up to 45/50 and I noticed that I felt better alongside it. The cuts and scrapes on my arms had almost healed, and I had no difficulty breathing.
Well this I can get used to! Self healing. I could have used this back in my college days after a night out on the town.
After I had settled all of that I sat down in the grass, looking at my surroundings.
“The Lost Woods” were peaceful enough, green and lush. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was in the matrix, or some kind of dream. Things felt too crisp, almost ultra-real. The beautiful leaves, the trees, the scents.
But maybe this was more real than earth? It was, after all, a direct simulation run by Heaven.
My heartbeat quickened at the thought.
Am I really in a battle for my soul here? Is this all a big sham? Am I already in hell and this is just some elaborate devilish prank?
Why make me fight a monster?. Maybe I just had to kill as many of these things as possible and I could consider this world “cleansed” and go home?
God must be a fan of me killing all things with “hell” in the title…
My musings were interrupted by a loud and unmistakable female scream coming from deeper within the forest.
The words “Hero’s Journey” flashed through my mind as I recalled my conversation with the receptionist.
Oh shit. That’s right. I’m supposed to be a fucking Hero now.
I turned and took a step in the direction of the scream.