With two Cokes in hand, we sat back down outside, where I had just been lying and was busy with Mr. Darcy.

Now I was sitting cross-legged and facing the garden so that I didn't have to look at him at first.

“So, I, um, I’m sorry about how this all turned out.”

He tapped his glass lightly with his fingertips, showing he was nervous.

“I mean, the last two weeks have been very strange. Before, we had heard from each other every day and then suddenly there was this silence between us. That was very strange.”

I thought about what to say. But first I wanted to see whether he would continue talking.

“I didn't want it to turn out like this. We were a good team before, weren’t we?” He looked at me.

Then finally I looked at him in turn.

“I think we just don’t work as a relationship.”

I took a long sip. The coolness of the drink was good for keeping a clear head. I didn't really know how to classify my heart's reactions.

On the one hand, there was still this familiarity between us that you could only really have with someone you had known for a very long time and on a very personal level.

On the other side there was something like an invisible wall that I had crossed and which was now closed and built too high.

"What do you mean by that? Everything was going well so far. To be honest, to this day I still don't fully understand what actually happened. We had the agreement after all. And then you break up with me and I don’t hear from you anymore.”

I looked at him irritated. “I explained everything to you that night. Weren’t you listening to me?”

He bit his lip.

“Yes, but I was also drunk and please understand, I was pretty overwhelmed by the news. I mean, it was pretty sudden. And things were going well before that.”

I snorted loudly, got up and angrily put my drink on the small table next to the loungers.

“I don’t think you have really reflected and thought about what went wrong, did you?”

He raised his hands placatingly. “That's not true, I've already thought a lot about it, but the fact is that we had agreed that it would be okay for us to see other people, right?"

I made an overwhelmed gesture. "Yes that's right. And yet I realized that it didn't fit between us. We want other things. I thought this deal would show you that you don't need anyone else. But apparently it was just me.”

I looked at him meaningfully. “And I’ve already explained everything to you, that I need something different than you.”

He still looked confused and now a little angry.

“You do realize that’s pretty unfair of you, don’t you? First we make a deal and then you drop me if I follow it?”

I didn't answer and instead bit my lip.

He was right about that. After a short awkward pause, I sighed.

“Yes, I know that and I’ve thought about it a lot. But,” I sat back down on the lounger opposite him and looked directly at him.

“You have to admit that that was just the trigger at the end. If we're being completely honest, it didn't work before. We fought all the time and had been fighting for months.”

There was a short silence between us in which only our breathing could be heard.

Then I continued: “I think we're just not cut out as a couple. I know it wasn't fair to fob you off like that. I mean, I tried to explain it to you, but I have to admit, I was pretty drunk at the party too.”

He nodded and looked at his hands. Since he didn't say anything, I couldn't read his mood directly.

“And if I'm being completely honest, it wasn't just the fact that you had done something with other women. But how it made me feel.”

Now he looked up from his hands. His expression seemed infinitely sad as he looked into my eyes.

I hesitated for a moment, but then I said: “In the first few days I convinced myself that we just wanted something different. And that's true too. But I also realized that,” I bit my lip harder, then released it, “I didn’t mind it as much as maybe I should have.”

He let my words sink in for a moment, then frowned.

"What do you mean? It sounded like you minded a lot?”

I nodded and sat up straight. “Yes, that’s right too. As I said, I realized that it's generally not for me. I mean an open relationship. But I mean more that I had to admit to myself that I wasn't as jealous or hurt as I should have been when you did it."

He seemed to slowly understand. “That sounded pretty different.”

I nodded. "Yes, that's right. I'm sorry, I'm a bit immature sometimes. But I’m also still trying to understand myself. Sometimes I cannot figure out my emotions. I'm sorry you had to be part of that.”

We didn't say anything for a while and he looked at his hands again.

Just as I was about to say something again, he said it in a shaky voice: “I miss you.”

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I held my breath, unable to respond.

I didn't have to, because he just continued.

“I don’t want it to be over. You're my best friend. We've known each other forever and I don't want us to just throw that away."

I made a quick move to take his hand, but then stopped myself. That wouldn't be fair.

"I'm really sorry. I don't want to do this, really, but it didn't work anymore. Don’t you think it’s better to give yourself more space so you can find something that works better.”

I frowned, annoyed at my words. They sounded too cryptic.

“What I mean is that either way it would have ended up broken. We haven’t been whole for a long time.” Was that too mean?

He didn't react.

I saw something dripping to the ground and realized he was crying quietly.

A mixture of emotions overwhelmed me, made up of feelings of guilt, pity, sadness, longing and a kind of melancholy that I couldn't describe.

But with all these feelings, I knew it was the right decision. Because even though I was very ashamed to admit it to myself, for the last three weeks I had been relieved that it was over.

Of course I missed the relationship, but it was more like the relationship it had been in the beginning. I still felt very connected to Reese, even though the weeks and months of our relationship had been emotional ups and downs.

We had known each other since we were children, as his house was not far from mine. Our parents knew each other and, to be honest, everyone knew every other person in this village.

I couldn't stop myself and put my hand on his.

“We will still see each other every now and then.”

He shook off my hand. “It’s not the same and you know it.”

“Hey, I'm leaving now, Ravi is here to pick me up,” my mother said and stuck her head out the patio door.

She looked at us in surprise when she spotted Reese and then looked at me questioningly. I shook my head subtly and she nodded knowingly.

“See you later,” she blew me an air kiss and then disappeared.

I heard the door close. Then we were alone.

“What do you want me to do?” he then asked.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I had to hold myself back from tears because I was so sorry for hurting Reese and this situation was a bit overwhelming for me. But I owed him that. I hadn't behaved correctly towards him for the last three weeks.

“There's nothing, Reese. I think it’s better this way and you’ll realize that too.”

It sounded like a cliché, but I didn't really know what to do about it. We were silent again for quite a while. It made me very uncomfortable to see him so sad and I couldn't quite understand my own feelings. But I let it go and gave him his time.

As it started to get cooler, I asked him if we wanted to go inside. He didn't answer the question.

The whole time, which felt like an eternity, but according to a quick look at my phone, it was only three quarters of an hour, he had been looking at his hands. Now he looked up again for the first time. His eyes were dry, his gaze infinitely deep but almost unfathomable.

I looked straight at him and waited. He took a deep breath and then sighed.

“Do you ever wonder what or who you could be if all the components in your life were different?”

I looked at him perplexed. That was a very philosophical question, and I couldn't answer it or explain how he managed to jump into this topic so suddenly.

From the topic of ending a relationship to questions about life, that was just too much for me. All I could do was open my mouth and then close it again.

“Uhhhm, I have no idea,” I said bluntly.

He nodded slightly and then stood up. “Thank you for your honesty and explanations. I need some time to let everything sink in."

He turned to leave. I was just about to say something to him when he was at the patio door and went in.

But at that moment a devastating stabbing pain went through my head.

I held my hand to my temple and everything went black in front of my eyes. I groaned and tried not to fall back onto the lounger. The stinging went from my eyebrows to my temple, all the way to the back of my head. It felt like someone was sticking needles into my head from all sides at once. I moaned again, louder this time.

I hadn't noticed, but Reese seemed to have noticed because suddenly I felt two hands on my back and I leaned against them gratefully.

“Bon, what’s wrong?” I heard his worried voice.

It seemed distant, as if through cotton wool, or rather as if I were underwater.

I couldn't answer because my teeth were clenched so I couldn't make another sound. The pain was now all-encompassing and I was afraid that if I opened my mouth and pulled my teeth apart, I would scream and I didn't want that.

I fell to my side and felt the pillow under my head.

After I realized that lying down only added a throbbing bowel pain, I quickly sat up again.

I blinked, but my eyes were still black. I could just about see the shadows of the loungers, our terrace and the face that was now floating in front of me and looking at me.

He held me by the shoulders so that I didn't fall backwards.

“Bonnie?” his tone was now louder and if possible even more worried.

“Water, painkillers,” I groaned and then gritted my teeth again.

The stinging almost took my breath away and I didn't know how my head could take it. Actually, it should have burst long ago, into thousands and thousands of pieces, so that nothing was left of me.

When Reese was sure that I was sitting upright and would stay like that and not fall down again, he moved away and returned after a short while with something in his hand.

“I looked in all the drawers and found ibuprofen.”

He held both of them out to me and I just opened my mouth, helpless as I was hardly capable of anything more.

He placed the small pill on my tongue, then held the glass to my lips. I drank, even though the pain seemed to radiate from my head to my neck. I drank the entire glass. And when no more cool water came, Reese removed the glass from my lips, sat down next to me and gently pushed my head towards him so that I could rest it on his shoulders.

It took forever, a glass of water and another pill, for the pain to slowly subside.

Reese didn't say a word, rubbed my back soothingly and was just there. I was so grateful to him at that moment, but couldn't express it.

The black colour in front of my eyes slowly cleared and I could see everything around me again. My eyes still hurt, my mouth was dry despite the drinking, and my head felt like it had been hit by a heavy truck. But the pain had now almost completely subsided and what remained was a dull, ringing feeling.

“Is it better?” Reese then asked me and I murmured agreement.

I didn't dare nod yet because I was afraid the pain would come back.

“What was that, was that a migraine?,” he asked, sounding a bit overwhelmed.

“I don’t know,” I murmured, resting my head on his shoulder for a moment.

Then I slowly lifted it as a test and despite the ringing feeling and slight throbbing it went away to a lesser extent.

“You really scared me. You collapsed all of a sudden and I thought I had to call an ambulance."

I didn't answer, I just stroked my face and stood up very slowly and unsteadily.

He held my arm tightly.

“Have you ever had something like that before?” he slowly accompanied me to the door and we went in.

I was about to say “no” when I remembered that wasn’t true. “Yes, at school recently.”

The guy in the hospital room. What had he done? He didn't give me anything either, but the pain eventually subsided. Had I taken painkillers? I'm sure that wasn't the case.

I got another glass of water from the kitchen, then, still unsteady, went into the living room and sat on the couch. I drank the whole glass and slowly lay down. This time it was better and lying down seemed to do my head good.

“I’m sorry, you can leave if you want.”

Reese looked at me skeptically. “I’m not leaving you alone now. What if it starts again?”

I felt guilty that I was holding him here with my headache after everything before.

But he didn't seem angry or annoyed. Instead he got something to drink, apple juice “so you can get sugar,” he explained.

Then he got some food, chocolate, which he found in the kitchen cupboard and sat down next to me.

He made sure we didn't touch each other, or so it seemed to me. But he spread a rough blanket over my legs and his and then turned on the television. He looked at me to see if it would bother me. But he turned the volume down and you noticed that I was slowly falling asleep away anyway.

“Thank you,” I mumbled. Reese made a sound I could not understant what it meant.