It was the familiar scene again, the forest, the sea, the sky, the road. I knew all of it already, it was within reach and now so familiar that it almost made me shudder again. But this time it felt different. It wasn't that intangible feeling that I wasn't really here, that I was more like a ghost without a body. This time it really felt like I was here. A human being made of flesh and blood. A me that could see, sense, touch and taste. I looked down at myself. I was wearing that long white dress again that I probably wouldn't have worn normally, and I was barefoot. Of course. But this time I felt the fabric of the dress right on my skin, I felt my hair blowing around me, I also felt the pain that the now rough ground represented under my feet. I was about to call out "Hello" when I realized how silly that was. I was obviously in a place where no one else seemed to be. Who else would just randomly walk through a forest or on a street? Since I didn't know what else to do, I went to the street like I had done the times before, looked to the right and left and then followed the road on the left shoulder in the direction that led somewhere to my left. I had no idea where this place actually was. But to be honest, I hadn't really given it much thought until now. The sun burned on my skin and the asphalt burned under my soles. "Great, I'm on summer vacation and it's as hot as here," I grumbled. I knew that it was probably not appropriate to have such thoughts right now, since I had just landed out of nowhere from my bed in the dorm to this place on a rock. I couldn't explain it, but some tiny feeling in my stomach whispered to me that there was an explanation. And this feeling and my own attempts to distract myself with trivial things calmed me down. I continued down the road, wondering how I was going to get out of here. I had neither a cell phone nor a map on me, nor any object that wasn't on my body. Even a hat would have been useful now.

The last few times, my sleeping self had apparently brought me back and I woke up. But something told me that this time it wasn't so easy, because it felt much more real. But this could also just be a dream. What else could it be? I had to be dreaming. People couldn't teleport, couldn't just disappear. That wasn't possible. I laughed at myself for a moment when I heard that humming again. It was in the distance and I knew it by now. But then I realized that this time I could think and reason more clearly. I knew what was going to happen, didn't I? I knew that the car would drive past me very quickly. That there would be a woman, a man and a child inside. And they would... I stopped myself in my own thoughts, turned around and started jumping and waving my arms. "Hey," I called, even though I knew they were too far away. They couldn't hear me at all. But it only encouraged me further. "Hey," I called again, waving my arms wildly and even briefly considered running into the road and blocking their path. They wouldn't run me over, would they? But I didn't. This dream felt so real that I couldn't be sure that I wouldn't die if this car saw me too late and couldn't brake.

It was getting closer and closer. It was about to pass me and I kept waving my arms. Then it happened, it passed me, this time at normal speed and I could swear they saw me. In a matter of seconds I could see that the man had turned his head towards me. I also saw that the car was slowing down, but then I also saw what could no longer be avoided. It happened again and this time I even saw it first hand. The car headed straight for a tree that was too far in the way. He was at the edge of the road, but the branches hung so low that they were already touching the ground. The car seemed to notice it too late, tried to avoid it and crashed into the stone wall on the other side of the road at full speed. I heard the bang and saw the front of the car dent with the force. I saw stones being thrown out of the small wall.

“Damn,” I cursed loudly and ran off again. This time I felt the aching ground beneath my feet, felt the cold breath in my lungs and the sun burning on my head and my skin. But none of that made any difference. I knew I had to go to this family. I had to help them, I wanted to support them. Do whatever I could do, even if it wasn't much. I ran and ran and got there. The woman was already lifting the man's body out of the car, she was crying loudly. “Oh no,” she cried, and she screamed as the blood I had seen before spread beneath the man's body and flowed to her knees. I scurried next to her, dropped him to the floor, and put my fingers on his neck. I didn't feel a pulse, there was nothing. With a clarity that I didn't have before, I knew what I had to do. I pressed my hands against the middle of the man's body and began to press on his chest with all my strength in a steady rhythm, massaging his heart. The woman next to me was still making wailing noises, but she let me do it. I didn't know whether it was because of her own helplessness or because she barely realized me. I kept going, I broke out in a sweat and at some point my eyes also filled with tears because of the effort and the sadness that I also felt, which the woman next to me was radiating. After I pressed on the chest over and over again, nothing happened. I didn't want to give up, but my arms couldn't take it anymore. The man didn't move, he didn't react and I knew at that moment that he never would either. My arms were too weak and I couldn't make a single movement. Cih let go of him. “Don’t stop!” the woman then shouted at me. She pushed me aside and continued in my place. Everything hurt, I was filled with the same helplessness that I had just seen in the woman's eyes. Guilt and the feeling of being useless overwhelmed me. But I still managed to pull myself together, take the cell phone from the woman's hot pants pocket and call the emergency doctor. The doorbell rang and I explained in a frantic, panicked manner what had happened. But the woman on the other end seemed to understand what I was saying and I was grateful to her for that. She tried to reassure me, but when that was in vain, she confirmed that help was on the way and I then hung up. I would only later realize that both she and the woman had spoken English. “Mom?” I then heard a voice from the back of the car. She was behind me. She still saw the reddish-blonde hair, didn't think about it and wrapped the little girl in her arms, burying her face in my waist so that I blocked her view of the man who I assumed was her father. “Don’t look,” I said, stroking her hair.

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A short time later, the street, which had previously been so deserted and empty, was filled with noises, red and blue flickering lights and busy people in uniforms who were working in such a coordinated manner that I could only marvel. But at that moment I was feeling a little numb anyway. Two ambulances and a police car had arrived. The woman was still clinging to the man who, despite all the rescue workers' attempts, could only confirm as dead. Her sobs and lamentations were heartbreaking and tears flowed down my cheeks as I sobbed quietly. But I tried to control myself so that the girl could remain in the dark for a little while longer. Just that little while.

The paramedics covered the body in a black cover, which they laid on a stretcher and rolled to the car. The woman was sitting on the street so lost that it broke my heart. Two paramedics tried to calm her down, but it seemed as if she didn't hear them. When she then raised her head and saw us, something suddenly flashed in her eyes. She stood up, came towards us and pulled the little girl away from me. Then she put her behind her to protect her and pointed her finger at me. "You!" she screamed at me. I was completely taken aback and just looked at her. "You!" she repeated and her eyes would have killed me if they could have. "You distracted him , if you hadn't been standing on the street he would have seen the tree sooner. You distracted him," she screamed and her words stabbed me like a knife through my heart. It was my fault? I should have done that? "Without you he would still be here." She was sobbing and hiding her face with her hands. I didn't know what to say. "It was you!" she screamed again and suddenly came towards me, grabbed me and shook me violently. "I'm sorry!" I cried, not knowing what else to say. "You!" she screamed again and before I could do anything or avoid her, I saw her swing and then her hand hit me in the face so hard that it took my breath away. The blow made my head fall to the side... and then I fell out of bed.

I sat sobbing on the floor of my room, my arms wrapped around my legs and crying into the crook of my arm. Everything, whatever it was, was completely overwhelming me. All of the events felt so real that I didn't know if they were. Had I taken some drugs on purpose that made me hallucinate? Was it the stress of university and everything that went with it that sent my brain astray? Or were they really just nightmares, or a dream that I kept dreaming over and over again. Was my subconscious trying to process something that I didn't know? My head was spinning and when my tears dried up, my hand stopped shaking and my pulse calmed down, I went to the bathroom like I had done so many times before, took a cool shower that cleared my head and my thoughts and stayed under it for a while. I was sure I didn't want any of this anymore. It was just too much and too tiring to have to worry about having another nightmare like that again when I went to sleep. I even briefly considered whether I was pregnant because I had heard that it also gave you nightmares. But I quickly dismissed this idea. The timing doesn't fit. It must have been stressful. But things couldn't continue like this. When I was back in bed, I googled for a therapist near here.