ENTRY 015: THE ORB OF TRUE ALIGNMENT

Dear Diary,

Today, I added a new attraction to the shop: the Orb of True Alignment. It’s exactly what it sounds like—a glowing crystal ball that claims to reveal your moral alignment for the low, low price of one silver piece.

I picked it up from a traveling merchant who swore by its accuracy. “It’ll draw crowds,” he said, and by gum, he was right! I figured it couldn’t hurt to try—if nothing else, it would pay for itself in curiosity seekers.

And pay it did. Turns out, people loooove to know if they’re good, evil, or somewhere in between.

By mid-morning, a line had formed. The first customer was a cheerful halfling who slapped down his silver and eagerly placed his hands on the orb. It shimmered and pulsed before glowing bright green, the words Neutral Good appearing inside.

The halfling beamed. “I knew it! Everyone says I’m the nicest guy in town!” He practically skipped out of the shop.

The next customer, a grizzled mercenary, approached the orb with a cocky swagger. He dropped his coin, touched the orb, and smirked when it glowed dark red and displayed Chaotic Neutral.

“Right on the money,” he said, clearly proud of himself. “I don’t follow no stinkin' rules! I make my own.”

Then came a stern-looking elf who frowned as the orb declared her Lawful Neutral. She sighed and told no one in particular how she “needed to do more charity work” before stalking out.

This went on for hours. People came and went, some pleased with their results, others clearly dissatisfied. A young bard looked crestfallen when the orb labeled him Neutral Evil, while a scrawny rogue practically cheered when he got Chaotic Good.

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Either way, the coins keep rolling in, so who was I to complain?

Besides, not once had anyone argued with their alignment. I half-expected many arguments and demands for a refund, but every single customer thus far has accepted the result without a fuss.

It wasn’t until today that I discovered why.

Business had slowed in the afternoon, so I decided to test the orb myself. For no particular reason (other than mild curiosity and a bit of boredom), I placed my hands on the glowing sphere.

I don't need no orb to tell me I'm True Neutral at heart. You give me a coin, I leave morality at the door. But I figured, wouldn't it be funny if the orb told me I was actually Lawful Good?

I snickered to myself as I imagined yours truly as a noble, overweight paladin. Brave, virtuous, and unflinchingly good. Someone who rescues kittens gives inspiring speeches, and never, ever haggles over a price.

(I know, I know, it almost made me throw up.)

The orb shimmered, glowed bright white, and displayed... Lawful Good.

I stared at it, utterly dumbfounded. Lawful Good? Me? The same half-orc pawnbroker who once sold a cursed amulet to a bard just because his singing annoyed me?

I tried again, this time picturing myself as a ruthless tyrant, ruling the shop with an iron fist and cackling over others’ misfortune. The orb glowed dark red and declared me Lawful Evil.

That’s when it clicked. The orb wasn’t revealing my real alignment—it was just parroting whatever I wanted (or expected) it to say.

I slumped back in my chair, staring at the thing. All those customers were convinced they were discovering some profound truth about themselves when in reality, they’d just been paying for a fancy illusion.

A part of me wanted to laugh. Another part wanted to toss the orb into the cursed bin and call it a day. But then I glanced at the register, heavy with silver from all the eager self-discoverers.

When the next customer wandered in, eyeing the orb with nervous excitement, I straightened up and put on my best shopkeeper’s smile. “Care to discover your alignment?” I asked.

The customer hesitated for the briefest of moments before dropping their coin on the counter and approaching the orb.

People love a little mystery, a touch of magic, and the chance to be exactly who they think they are—all at the low, low prices of one silver piece. As for me? I think I’ll keep the orb’s secret to myself.

That's exactly what a True Neutral shop owner would do.

Yours in profit,

Garren