1:132 on the 20th day of Winter

It took a long time to calm down enough to climb my way out of the cavern and get out of the mine. I looked at the sun from the east wall of the pit. It would pass beyond the mountains soon, even though sunset was still a long time off. Under different circumstances I may well be happy. I managed to fight and kill a monster today. But squashing the surge of magic my fight or flight response brought on seemed to trigger something. There were surges of crackling pain in my chest now. This was a sign that a reawakening could come within the next few days to a week.

"I'm out of time." I said.

At this point I had two options: start using death magic, or take my own life. Since finding out about reawakening I had considered the idea of suicide a few times. Frankly, I don't think I am capable of it. I am too afraid of dying. Any method I considered would cause me to break out in sweat and start to panic.

With that option off the table I had to find a way to start using death magic. But if I use it then I could bring poisonous radiation back to my friends and family. Solution: never see my friends and family again. At least until I can determine if it is possible to use death magic safely. That could take a lot of research but I am out of time and out of other options.

So, I need to find a place where I can conduct dangerous research, in complete isolation, possibly for a season or more. There was nowhere within the walls without people and going outside the walls alone would basically be suicide by monster. But then I thought of the cavern. That whole section of tunnels is on the edge of the explored underground so it is already deserted. I could probably put up some signs warning people to keep out too. That might work for a season or two. If my time in isolation needed to be longer than that I would probably need to look elsewhere.

The second problem was logistical. I would need supplies for an extended camping trip. Food, water, bedroll, blankets, and lots of other things I would need while I'm down there. I would also need a proper sword or dagger. I didn't want to face off against another rat with only my abrasive personality to fight with. I should also probably bring down tools and materials to fix the radiation detector. Part of my mind was already compiling a list while I moved on.

The third problem was what to tell everyone. I guess I could just leave a note. If my isolation extended through Winter and into Spring of next year I would be abandoning my service. Deserters were not thought of kindly in Cinder and if I came back after a point I could face jail time, public flogging, or worse for it. Well, it's not like my old decade would miss me. Heck, I could blame those assholes for my absence and maybe I could even get reassigned if I was able to return.

The bottom line was that I had my work cut out for me and very little time to set everything up. The sun fell below the mountains and I made my way home, likely for the last time.

***

0:020 on the 21st day of Winter

After making up my mind yesterday I stopped by a few supply stores and made arrangements to exchange almost everything I owned for gear. I swept my room at the manor for anything I might need and packed a few bags and boxes of useful items.

Still, I was sad to be giving it all up. I had grown attached to my silver jewelry, nice black suits, and the dozen or so magic items I used for convenience and comfort over the years. I packed up a box with a basin made to keep water warm, a comb that turns hair shiny black for a few hours, and a small metal rose that makes a room smell sweet. I would hate to give them up but I would need every last coin to make this work.

While I was going through my room for anything I could pawn, Schrodinger was visibly upset. His tail would swish back and forth in angry jerky motions.

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"I'm sorry friend, I can't bring you with me." I said. "It's going to be too dangerous where I'm going."

He didn't seem to buy that answer and he started to lick his paws as if to say he could handle himself. Granted he was big for a cat and his long fur made him look even bigger. But no, if I was going to be using my death magic he wouldn't be safe with me.

"Not that kind of danger." I said while putting the bottle of fine spirits from my desk into a crate. At this point my room was a mess of clothing, bags, and boxes as I chose what to take and what to try and sell.

Then there came a knock at the door. I crossed to it and opened a crack to see who it was.

"Good morning brother." said Mistila. "Can we talk?"

She had a sincere yet determined look about her and I knew I wouldn't be able to send her off. I let out a long sigh. I was hoping to avoid this but if I tried to send her off now it would only lead to her dragging more of the family in. I nodded, took a second to gather myself and opened the door. She saw my room in disarray and I could see the moment she realized I was packing for a trip.

"What… I came to see if you were okey and… what is this?" she asked.

I couldn't look at her.

"I'm leaving." I said.

There was a long silence as she looked around the room. I wanted to tell her everything but there was no way that would end well.

"Why?" she asked softly.

My plan was to write a letter, maybe compose a few drafts. But, put on the spot like this, all I could think of was a harsh truth to hide the parts I couldn't say.

"You know I've never really fit in this family, or this city for that matter." I said. "It's nothing any of you have done. It's just that you are all of a kind and I stand apart. You are all brave and confident. Each of you would rather find yourself surrounded by others at the center of their attention."

I had to swallow my pride for the next part.

"I am a coward and I generally can't stand people." I said.

I could tell she was upset but she let me formulate my thoughts and finished.

"Now you are all mages." I said softly. "You all have the strength and magic to fight. I am a clumsy fighter. I know it. My decade knows it and hates me for it. As long as I am in Cinder I will always be stuck between the family's expectations and the reality of what I can actually do. If things keep on as they have been I'll be dead within a year. Probably.”

After that confession neither of us spoke for a while. Then Mistila's anger built until it burst out.

"You're a self centered asshole Theod!" she yelled at me. "No one else sees you as separate from this family. That is only true in some alternate world in your head. And we only look brave because you've never taken the time to talk with us about our fears. Did you know Aostilo almost deserted after a stringed horror nearly killed him? Did you know Fonsa cries herself to sleep every other night thinking of people she couldn't heal? Did you know … No you didn't because you're too wrapped up in your own problems to see anyone else."

She stormed out of the room but then she paused in the hall.

"It's a dangerous world brother." she said. "They way the war's been going we all may be dead in a few years. When I die, I will be here with everyone I care about. Where will you be." Then she was gone.

I just stood there dumbstruck. Before long I could feel another surge of pain in my chest wax and then wane. I had no time for this. My anger wanted to spill out. I wanted to find Mistila and tell her off for something. I didn't know what yet but I would find something. But then the anger gradually passed and all I was left with was sadness and frustration. Why couldn't I have found this out earlier? Was Aostilo really that afraid? He didn't look afraid when he recounted his tales of bravery at the dinner table but of course he wouldn't. He had found someone to talk to about his fear.

I sat down on the bed and tried to pet Schrodinger. He was apparently still mad at me so he jumped off the bed and left the room through the open door. Well I guess that's only fair. Maybe he is going to find Mistila and tell her what a heel I was. They got along well enough. I'm sure that she will take care of him. I looked around the room again. It sucks that this is how I am leaving. I got this room when I was six back when mother… Well, let's just say I have a lot of good memories here. But I'm out of time and need to go.

***

2:070 on the 21st day of Winter

I managed to catch the last lift into the pit. Being near the winter solstice it was already dark outside. I had to put all my supplies into a hand cart that I covered with a canvas tarp. Toting a bedroll and tent into the pit would have been noticeable but a generic load of supplies wouldn’t catch any attention. I made my way to the mine entrance by the light of a bright-leaf lantern hanging from my cart.

There, sitting in the entrance like a black void cut out of my light, was Schrodinger. His reflective eyes just stared at me, silently judging my choices. I paused only for a moment before continuing my walk down.

"Fine, you can come with me." I said.

He hopped into the cart and settled into a softer spot, probably the bedroll. It would be somewhat more complicated to keep him safe but I could probably do it. I may grumble about having him along but I would also appreciate the company.