THE FINAL EXORCISM OF THE NARRATOR, AND THE OBLITERATION OF THE ENTIRE MULTIVERSE
"Curse you! Curse you all!" the admiral roars as the quarto gallop from the square, hotly pursued by velociraptors.
The four mouse-riders careen recklessly through the winding streets, ducking pirates and dodging dinosaurs. On their way, they hide out for seven years with an old widow, disguising themselves as goblins. They befriend a mysterious one-eyed orphan and raise him to glorious manhood (he's the main character), but for the sake of brevity, we'll pass over all that. Suffice it to say that the orphan sacrifices himself gloriously against the admiral, giving the others a chance to escape on mouseback.
The four mouse-riders careen recklessly through the winding streets just like seven years ago, except that after so many years of the PIRATE STORM, they now have to swim through oceans of gore left by billions upon billions of pirate corpses.
The grandchildren of velociraptors battle them ferociously, and the admiral and his wife, t-rex-mounted, thunder after them down to the seashore, where the junker galley Dakiya had once thrown into the sea lies shipwrecked on its side.
"We're doomed!" Ayavail cries, as the velociraptor army closes in.
"Indubitably," Hannet groans.
The pirate king sighs. "I fear we shall have to go and be executed."
"But that will take for-ever!" Dakiya retorts.
It is then that the Crown Gem appears over Dakiya's head, and at the same moment, a magnificent pirate ship of mahogany and gold, decked with sails as blue as a summer sky, glides out of the sea onto the beach, its prow floating through stone and earth as smoothly as placid water.
Dakiya grumbles, "Oh, yeah, we're saved."
Dakiya is the long lost princess of the empire, the one true heiress of the Mad King Rigoth. She couldn't possibly be unhappy about this.
The mouse-riders slink up onto the deck and set sail past the enraged admiral, all of them sour-faced, Dakiya grousing, "It just wasn't very well foreshadowed."
And whose fault is that?!
"Yours," everyone choruses.
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There was a prophecy! It was brilliant! You were going to—
"Shut it!" Dakiya shouts, as she expertly tacks the gunwales. "We're going to go sailing through the mountains, and you're going to pretend you don't exist or we'll blow your bony head off!"
The pirate king nods solemnly as he hauls the bilgewell up the lanyard, the action proving him a masterful sailor.
"Off-off-off…" the last word of Dakiya's threat echoes out into the silence, and there is no response, for her utterance had been addressed to no one that exists.
Smiling now, Dakiya and her friends sail along mountain ridges and through valleys full of fruit and peace.
But one day, Ayavail drapes herself mournfully on the halyard, and says, "My only regret is that we did not destroy that final map. Now, surely, the admiral will hunt us down."
"Gadzooks, you're right!" Dakiya shouts, jolting upright. "The waters are still charted!"
But unbeknownst to her, the fate of the final chart is being determined at this very moment. It has passed from the seething admiral to the geography teacher (the other geography teacher), who has agreed to translate it from Swedish.
In his cozy study, beside a freshly roaring fire, the geography teacher listens to the tranquil patter of pirate bodies slamming in rage and agony against his roof. It has been so long since he got the chance for a quiet evening by the fire—seven years in fact. The logs are almost too old to burn.
Scooting nearer on the hearth, he leans closer to the drowsy flames so that the faint firelight spills over the map. It is very Swedish. He sighs in comfort, lazily sets a fresh log on the blaze, and sets to work.
But unbeknownst to him, he is blown to smithereens.
Meanwhile, Dakiya and her friends are sailing off into the sunset. They have had a long day (more than seven years long) and now it is time for sleep.
Dakiya curls up sweetly on the tiller, cuddling with Marmotvail. The pirate king snores peacefully beneath the keel. Hannet drools happily on the puffed mainsail, and Ayavail, sleepwalking under the steering wheel, dreams of beatific stars.
All are deeply, serenely asleep, totally unaware of the narration.
In1498,theMadKingRigoth,indefianceofancientlaw,castthe—
Ayavail leaps up, "We knew it!"
Dakiya fires all her guns.
The pirate king bellows, "That was your final chance!"
And then the pirate king, Bongolabongola Balongo Balongolus Bolololongolalolus Blonogo-Blongo Balongollia the seventeen-thousand-and-seventeenth, unleashes the first (and weakest) of his one-hundred-bazillion ultimate moves: PARTING SMILE.
The narrator is instantly blasted to quantum particles, along with the entire planet, the whole universe, and all other universes that ever existed or ever could exist. All the leftover quantum goop is eaten by hell-goats, who are then thrown into the greatest of all suns, which is one of the lesser organs within the body of the pirate king.
Dakiya, Ayavail, Hannet, Marmotvail, and the admiral cackle to themselves, swimming in an empty multiverse like an infinite bubble bath. Nothing will ever happen again.
TO BE CONTINUED
[Revis notes:]
[Hannet too powerful? Scale him back, rather than sacrificing the story's realism.]
[Add profanity tag for 'gadzooks'.]
[Work in some exposition about how in 1498, the Mad King Rigoth, in defi