I was not sure who spoke more, the Professor or Bartholomew. Either way, it was bloody annoying.

I was still slightly resenting the Professor at his general smugness, yet I could not help but be impressed at his skills. I was actually in awe that he had essentially managed to one-shot me to unconsciousness. It just went to show that no matter where I went, there were always bigger fish. Damn, Dance had been trying to tell me that. It was a lesson that I was slow to learn, right from my first incursion battles, through the fights with Tangle, the stupid fucking scorpion and now, a random old professor who I met on a deserted beach in the arse end of the universe. Shit, was I being a magnet for trouble?

Does being higher Tier attract trouble?

Sprite: The answer is more complicated than a yes or no. Your Karmic balance will propel you towards situations that are more on the level that your Tier would indicate. It is subtle and built into the systems, like the Energy upkeep of your skills; a lower-tier planet will not support your energy consumption without you draining it. There are protections for rulers and other system-sanctioned events.

Kind of like the Tier cap on the integration?

Yes, although that is more the energy cost and energy balances enforced through the system.

The more I learned, the more I needed to learn. Luckily, I had an AI who was quite knowledgeable, but I needed to know to ask the questions before I could understand what I didn't know. Shit, that was some circular logic that was starting to hurt my brain.

I followed Thaddeus through the barrier and soon found myself before a house centred in a modern courtyard—modern by earth standards. It looked like wood and brick construction with slightly off-coloured grass and other plants I did not recognise. Beyond the courtyard was a small brick and log house with large plate glass windows that would overlook the ocean if the barrier were not interfering with the view.

The entire structure seemed to be raised on poles, with a central area that appeared to go underground and dug into the sand. Some stairs led up to a balcony around the central house area.

Bartholomew was standing on the balcony waiting for us, and as we walked up the stairs, Thaddius was recounting our 'epic' battle.

"Ahem! Good Sir Bartholomew, did you observe our epic battle? Now, to recount the tale of our most… ahem… "spirited" duel with Sir Luke, Champion of the Empire. Let us paint a picture, shall we, not of brutal combat, but of a glorious display of… " he coughed, and cleared his throat, "… martial artistry. Imagine, if you will, a whirlwind of motion, a tempestuous ballet of fisticuffs! Sir Luke, blessed with his youthful exuberance, approached the encounter with the unbridled enthusiasm of a bull in a China shop. Punches flew like errant arrows, each one a testament to his…"

He paused, stumped, seeming to search for the correct word, which meant he was totally freestyling this bullshit.

"Well, let's say his enthusiasm outweighed his precision. Excuse my embellishments that paint your deeds in a more pleasing and positive manner. As for myself, well, the years may have etched a few lines upon my face, but my reflexes remain as sharp as a serpent's tooth. I weaved and parried, a seasoned duelist toying with a playful cub. But alas, a misplaced sidestep or perhaps a strategic stumble, for dramatic effect, you understand and… " he blew a raspberry, "Sir Luke found himself airborne, a most impressive feat of involuntary levitation, I must say! His trajectory, a graceful arc across the sands, culminated in a…" he was almost giggling at this stage, " … most spectacular exit from the ring. A bounce, a tumble, and there he lay, blinking owlishly at the heavens – a veritable tableau vivant of temporary unconsciousness. Perhaps a touch bruised, his pride undoubtedly dented, but nonetheless whole. So, you see, a glorious display of athleticism, a playful exchange of … well, punches, all in good jest, of course!"

Bartholomew was not being outdone; he clapped and responded with his own barrage of words.

"A hearty round of applause, if you will, for our esteemed Professor Thaddeus von Beauregard, the Younger! His mastery of the pugilistic arts has once again shone brighter than a midday sun! The duel, though a mere blink in the grand tapestry of conflict, was a whirlwind of… shall we say, unleashed enthusiasm? Sir Luke, bless his youthful spirit, charged in with the ferocity and grace of a sledgehammer. Punches flew like hailstones in a summer storm, each one a testament to his… well, let's just say his ardour surpassed his aim on this occasion. It was remarkable to observe Professor Thaddeus, who, despite his age, displayed the cunning of a seasoned fox. His movements, a silent poem of practised reflexes, served him well. A single, decisive exchange, or perhaps a ..."

He actually winked at me!

"..well-timed nudge, purely for drama, of course, and Sir Luke found himself airborne in a most…unorthodox display of aerial combat. A tumble past the boundary, a bounce, and there he lay, blinking and defeated. Minstrels rejoice for Sir Luke, with the resilience of a seasoned oak, recovered with surprising speed. But make no mistake, the victor in this most spirited exchange is undeniably Professor Thaddeus! His undefeated record remains as pristine as a freshly polished shield. So, come, join the feast and let us raise a toast to the Professor, a master of not only physical prowess but also theatrical flair! May his reign as Champion continue for many moons to come, filled with equally …memorable encounters!"

Their speech was starting to do my head in. I found it disorienting and disconcerting. I was not the most fluent or even the most verbose person, and these two gentlemen had taken nearly five minutes to recount something that needed no recounting.

No, I am not upset at losing.

Sprite: I'm sure.

It's just how they are speaking.

Sprite: Have you noticed that the energy here is totally cut off from the system?

Goddamn it, how could I? No skills, HUD or anything. How am I supposed to keep track of this crap when it glitches on me.

Sprite: You are upset at losing.

Not.

I did not want to have that conversation when I had to listen to Bartholomew and Thaddius discussing dinner.

"Ahh, the Feast! It will be a veritable symphony of culinary delights orchestrating itself within these very walls! Preparations for a most sumptuous repast are well underway, a testament to our deepest gratitude for the valiant deeds of Sir Luke and the esteemed Professor Thaddeus. Imagine, if you will, a banquet fit for royalty itself. Tapestries, woven with scenes of legendary feasts and fantastical hunts, shall adorn the walls. Fragrant tapers, their flames casting a warm luminescence, shall bathe the chamber in a gentle glow, dancing merrily upon polished silverware and crystal goblets. Picture it, anticipation heavy in the air, a vibrant melody hummed by the scurrying of skilled servants tending to every meticulous detail. Platters, overflowing with the bounty of the land, shall be presented with the flourish of a seasoned conductor: succulent fowl roasted to golden perfection, glazed with honey and fragrant herbs; tender cuts of meat slow-cooked to melt-in-the-mouth succulence; and a dazzling array of seasonal vegetables, their vibrant colours a feast for the eyes even before they tantalise the palate. Nor shall the delectation end there! Wines, aged to mellow perfection in the cool embrace of our cellars, await your discernment. Fragrantly spiced mead, a potent elixir brewed by our esteemed apothecary, stands ready for those seeking a more spirited libation. And for entertainment? Ah, the very pièce de resistance! Minstrels, their voices rich as velvet, shall regale us with tales of valiant knights and enchanted lands and perhaps the Ballard of Sir Thaddius and Sir Luke. Bards, their fingers nimble and swift, shall weave melodies that tug at the heartstrings and set the very toes a-tapping. But fear not, for you are not the only one to be welcomed! Sir Orr, his wisdom is a beacon guiding us through the mists of uncertainty, and he shall be invited to the place of highest distinction. Sarah, her movements are a tapestry of magic woven through dance, and she shall be seated at your right hand, Sir Luke. Our valiant Champion, Professor Thaddeus, our undefeated Champion, I should say, shall find themselves opposite, their camaraderie already forged in the crucible of combat. And joining them, once her moment of repose has concluded and the skilled hands of our healers have rejuvenated her, shall be the esteemed Jean. Rest assured, she shall be meticulously cared for until she awakens, refreshed and ready to partake in the festivities. So, esteemed Sir Luke, make use of our humble facilities and prepare yourself for an evening of merriment, fellowship, and delectable delights. Let us raise a toast to bravery, to wit, and to the forging of new alliances that shall surely prove most fortuitous!"

Shit, Sarah, Jean. It couldn’t be.

"Did you say Sarah, as in Sarah Owens and Jean, " shit, I could not remember her last name, " from Earth?"

Thaddius responded, "Indeed! A most fortuitous turn of events! Our esteemed guests from the distant realm known as Earth, Sarah Owens and the fair Jean, shall grace us with their presence at the banquet. However, before we descend upon the bounty that awaits, I implore you to retire to your chamber and partake in the rituals of ablution and rejuvenation. The remnants of the recent……spirited exchange may necessitate a change of attire and a moment of quiet reflection. Rest assured, while you attend to these necessary tasks, the feast preparations will reach their glorious culmination. Fragrant elixirs and soothing poultices stand at the ready should the esteemed Jean require further restorative measures as she recovers from her ordeals. For the moment, we convene shall not be long delayed. We have much to discuss, a tapestry of discourse yet to be woven, and the forging of an alliance that promises to be most momentous. Therefore, retire with haste and return refreshed and ready to embark upon this most auspicious evening."

We stood outside on the balcony at the top of the stairs. With better company or less verbose company, I would have stayed to take in the ambience, but here and now, I needed respite from the verbal assault.

The old men stood there looking at me as if I knew what was happening.

"Where is my room?"

"Ahh, forgive me, you are an honoured guest and new to our abode. With the utmost pleasure, I, Bartholomew, shall personally escort you to your chamber. Follow me, esteemed guest, as I navigate you through these venerable halls. Here, within these very walls, heroes have rested, weary travellers have found solace, and the echoes of laughter and lively discourse still resonate. Consider this a brief sojourn before the grand revelry commences. Your chamber awaits, a haven of tranquillity, where the cares of the day may be cast aside. Elegant tapestries adorn the walls, whispering tales of forgotten lore. A plush, feather-filled bed promises a night of restful slumber, should such a respite be desired. Basins of cool water and fragrant oils stand at the ready, beckoning you to indulge in a refreshing ablution. Should you require further assistance with your toilette, fret not, for a skilled attendant shall be summoned with a mere ring of this bell."

He handed me a tiny silver bell and led me down two flights of stairs through a surprisingly dull living room. His monologue continued as he ambled through the house. I was guessing we were underground. He led me into a corridor with several doors. It would not have been out of place in a cheap hotel. I felt a bit bad dragging an old man down two flights of stairs, but I had seen the cheater Thaddius, so I was not too concerned about their health. Despite his age, he was remarkably swift.

"Here, in the quiet sanctuary of your chamber, you may indulge in a moment of contemplation before the festivities commence. Reflect upon the day's events, gather your thoughts, and prepare yourself for the momentous discussions that lie ahead. So step forward, Sir Luke, and allow me to usher you into your temporary haven. The banquet awaits, and with it, the forging of an alliance that promises to forever alter the course of destiny!"

He stopped at an ordinary door and opened it for me.

I stepped into the room, and Bartholomew closed the door. I waited a few moments and tested the handle; it was unlocked.

I savoured the silence.

Sprite: I am in contact with Solace; Sarah is here and is coming to meet you.

Shit. Can you stall her? I'm still undressed.

There was a knock on the door.

Shit. I quickly brushed myself off and tried to collect my thoughts. I was in a total grey zone. Friendzone? Who knows. I had not seen Sarah since our party, where she left. I was supposed to see her off, but that damn thief stole the Emperor's Engrams, and by the time I got back, she had gone. Then the Empress had … I shut those thoughts down quickly. Sarah and I had been a thing. I was very interested, and she showed interest. Without the damn Emperess, we would be together. Shit. Even Rach said she was okay with her Champion being 'intimate' with others, which was how she referred to it. Damn, I was embarrassed when she discussed it.

Sarah knocked again.

"Coming."

I opened the door and stood there like a stunned mullet.

She had changed for the better. Any doubts about how I felt towards here were blown away. I missed her.

She must have missed me. She rushed in and wrapped me up in a hug that nearly crushed me, forcing me back into the room.

I was dressed in my underarmour, which left little to the imagination, and she was dressed in what I would describe as a cross between a Chinese cheongsam and the dress I'd imagine a belly dancer would wear when doing the dance of the seven veils – if that were even a thing.

I was in trouble. She started kissing me, then stopped, then started again. Soon, she was crying and hugging me. It took me a moment to realise that I was happy crying as I kissed her back, and my brain shut down as we reacquainted ourselves.

"I've missed you," was all she said.

Sprite: Dinner or the Feast will begin in two hours. Our hosts have indicated that Jean is awake and will be ready to join us, so we should not disturb the healers until then.

Was that it?

Sprite: My brief response was a summary of several hundred words. I quite enjoy listening to their formal renditions of speech when translated into an archaic version of your language. The intricacies of the translation are a joy.

Sarah and I had spent most of the day talking. Catching up. As busy as I thought I had been, she had done so much more and had unlocked more of her skills. I was jealous of her power and of her unbroken system. She could not tell me some things, and she was quite open about that, explaining she had a Geas from a powerful being holding her back. In turn, there were some things I could not tell her, as I could not even think about them for long without being subtly redirected.

Both of us had changed physically since Earth. I was taller and broader, my body denser and more powerful, while Sarah had taken on an almost ethereal beauty. In my eyes, she was perfect. More so than Rach, and I felt guilty comparing the two. While stunningly beautiful, the Empress exuded an aura of awe and desire, while Sarah's presence was just as overwhelming, but it seemed natural and less domineering.

You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

Sprite: Charisma, you need to up your willpower and your own charisma to counter it. Humans are also a sucker for high comeliness, more so than other humanoid species. It's as if your biology is hardwired for physical pleasure.

Reproduction is a biological imperative.

Sprite: No. That is a myth perpetuated to make having sex seem like it is a perfectly natural thing to obsess about. Remember, I saw what was on your Internet.

Point taken.

We both had significant concerns about Earth, the Drakes, the Empress, the Empire and the Karass. Sarah had been more successful in outing major Karass spies than I, yet she was not Hated or Kill on Sight with them. Despite being away from Earth for longer than I had been, she was more well-informed and had a better understanding of the politics of a newly integrated world. Perhaps that was with her time with the Eldest, or maybe her AI was more motivated to keep her informed.

Given our situation, it was inevitable that our discussion would turn to our current predicament. This is where I got thumped for not raising the issues earlier.

"So you were on your way to your holdings, which had gone dark, with a small Earth-trained strike force?"

I nodded.

"Idiot."

I nodded. "The first legion could not get involved, and there were no other options. As Champion, I was compelled to go."

I was somewhat defensive, it did sound silly in hindsight.

"So the portal got hijacked. You ended up in God knows where, and then when you arrived, you were all separated. Then you found everyone except Jean. Then they got taken over by some mind-control force, and you fled, and then you lost a fight with an ancient brawler."

"Pretty much."

"And your plan now?"

Shit, she expected me to have a plan?

"Well, these guys, from what I can make out, seem to have been expecting us, and they offered to help, I think, and we need to help them."

"Shit, Luke," she actually laughed at me, " you are such a crap leader. You can't just follow the playbook. You need to plan."

Sprite: She is correct, you know.

Not you, too. All right. All right. But what?

Sarah was lost in thought for a bit, "We don't have much time, I need to go get ready, make sure Jean is ready and then we can meet for our feast."

"We have nearly two hours."

"Shit, Luke, you are such a boy. How long do you think it will take me to get ready?"

I wisely didn’t say anything.

"Okay. We need to find out what these guys want, get our people back and get back to earth. If I can find out where we are, I can cast Grand Portal back to Earth. It will take a bit of energy, but I should have enough crystals to manage. I need a frame of reference, though."

I nodded. It was kind of sexy to hear her take charge.

"Then back on Earth, we head to your holdings and sort that out properly. Seriously, we should be able to handle it between you and me."

We had spoken about Thaddius and Bartholomew and my distaste for their verbiage but not so much about Orr.

"Why is Orr called a Seer?" I asked her.

"Solace thinks that he operates at different temporal speeds and might be reading future energy or past energy. The only mage I knew who was versed in Chronomancy, Mayra, was intense and a bit batshit crazy. She had skills and spells, and I am unsure what Orr's deal is. I have not been able to identify any of them, and I believe that we are totally outside the system here. I don't think they have any system skills or classes."

Sprite: I agree. When we run out of energy, all the system boosts will be diminished.

"So you think they are operating without any system fuckery?"

She nodded, "Let me do most of the talking tonight; even though you are higher ranked than I am, your broken interface could jeopardise anything we agree to."

"Sexy." I couldn’t help it.

That led to another bout of kissing before Sarah begged off, "I have to get ready. Let's pick this up after the feast. Don't overeat."

Crap, way to ruin my appetite. Not that I was complaining too much.

With a final kiss, I let her go.

She had over an hour to get ready. Since it would take me less than five minutes, I looked for the " Basins of cool water and fragrant oils stand at the ready, beckoning you to indulge in a refreshing ablution."

I was delighted to note that there was a bathtub with warm running water, bath oils and a bunch of other stuff I recognised from my time of torture looking after Rach's bathroom. This time, I knew what some of them were for.

I was bathed and changed, and I had time to trim and shave before Thaddius collected me for dinner.

He knocked quietly.

"Ahem, Sir Luke, valiant Champion of the Empire! May I intrude upon your solitude for a fleeting moment? The preparations for the celebratory feast have reached their triumphant crescendo, a symphony of culinary delights awaiting your most discerning palate. The succulent bounty of the land has been transformed into a veritable masterpiece by the skilled hands of our esteemed chefs. Fragrant wines, aged to mellow perfection, stand ready to tantalise your taste buds. Fear not, for the exertions of the recent …battle of fists have been meticulously addressed. I am impressed that at your attire, you stand before me, a veritable paragon of sartorial splendour! The fabric of the finest weave and richest hue drapes upon your form with the grace of a fallen star. The glint of polished metal, is that, dare I say, mithril? adorning your garments speaks of past victories and battles valiantly fought. But allow me, a restorative elixir, should you feel the need for an additional surge of vigour, stands at the ready."

He handed me a small hip flask with a wink.

"Quickly now, with the utmost respect and anticipation, I invite you to join the esteemed gathering. Sir Orr, a beacon of wisdom, your companion, Sarah, a weaver of magic through dance, and the brave and fearless Jean eagerly await your arrival. Sir Bartholomew no doubt regales them with tales of your valiant display and perhaps embellishes them ever so slightly for dramatic effect. Come, Sir Luke, let us partake in this most auspicious occasion. The merriment awaits, the bonds of fellowship yearn to be strengthened, and the echoes of laughter promise to resonate long after the final morsel has been consumed. Follow me as I lead the way, esteemed Champion, and together, we shall embark on this most delightful of evenings!"

I could not help but be impressed and slightly enthused at his energy. His descriptions of my clothing were ridiculous, as were much of what he said, but who was I to disparage someone who paid me a compliment?

Sprite: Be careful. Your standard protections are not in place, and we are unsure of your current resistance. As much as I trust you, not a lot, you need to be cautious.

So don't overeat or overindulge.

Sprite: That would be advisable.

As he spoke, he led me through the corridors, up one flight of stairs, past tapestries depicting battle scenes and hangings that were an ostentatious display of wealth. I could hear the laughter, well, Sarah's and Jeans, before we arrived, and I could smell the roasting meats and other divine smells as we entered an intimate dining hall.

I was not sure what I expected, given I had only Bartholomew and Thaddeus's descriptions, so I was mildly disappointed.

It was a dining room that would be found in many Earth homes. It had a large table, set for eight people, with fancy table decorations – for me, that meant placemats and more than one set of cutlery – and some subdued lighting. A standup bar was at one end, and another ancient man was serving Jean, Sarah, and Bartholomew. They were looking at what I took to be an iPad that Sarah was holding.

Thaddeus saw them and charged to the bar, calling out.

"Esteemed Orr, Seer of Ages Untold and this evening's broker of mind-numbing intoxicants. Might I, with the utmost respect, entice you to furnish me with a libation before we descend upon the bounty that awaits? A mere prelude to the coming feast, a tipple to whet the whistle and ease the transition from contemplation to merriment. Perhaps a flagon of our finest aged mead or a goblet of ruby-red wine shall entice your discerning palate?"

Orr, who I took to be our barkeep tonight, passed him a goblet filled with a dark liquid.

"I see the fair Sarah, a vision in ebony silk, already gracing the chamber with her presence. The very fabric seems to shimmer with an otherworldly luminescence, a testament to your undeniable beauty. And there stands Jean, a ray of sunshine in a dress as unpretentious as her demeanour. Your presence is a welcome reminder of the simpler pleasures in life. Bartholomew Bartholomew, our defender of intellect, you cut a most dashing figure in a suit as sharp as your wit. Quick Sir Luke, for no doubt he regales them with tales of your recent encounter, embellishing them ever so slightly, ahem! But enough of idle chatter, for the hour, grows late and the pre-dinner drink beckons. So, esteemed Orr, what beverage shall you impart to Sir Luke? Let us raise a toast to the coming revelry, to the forging of alliances, and to the mysteries that lie ahead."

Orr looked at me. His intense gaze seemed to see more than I felt comfortable with, or perhaps I was just projecting my insecurities about Temporal mechanics being wonky around him. He quickly passed me a clear crystal goblet full of a crystal clear liquid, so clear it almost looked empty. It had a mere mouthful in the bottom.

"Freedom. Drink. Starting. Welcome, forgive."

I held the goblet as I took in Sarah in her black cocktail dress, which was not as revealing as the one she wore to our party. This was even more elegant. I was stunned and must have had a dopey grin because Jean coughed and saluted.

"Commander, reporting for duty. My after-action report will be with you tomorrow."

I nodded, "At ease, you are off duty for the evening."

"Negative sir. We are in presumed hostile territory, underforced and with missing soldiers. Permission to speak freely."

God, I had missed her professionalism.

"Granted."

"I'd like to take mission command and bring you and Sarah in as adjunct specialists."

What are the implications of this?

Sprite: Wow, you are growing up and asking for advice. You have less control if you are outside the chain of command, yet you can still contribute. This will be more pronounced when the chain of command is system-enforceable. There is little she could do to compel you anyway; it is just a formality for her to be able to react quickly.

"Granted." I nodded.

"Once the feast ends, we must regroup and share intelligence. I am flying blind here, and our hosts are, while friendly, very difficult to pin down to specifics other than generalisations for feasting and alliances."

On cue, Bartholomew raised his glass, "Here, here, esteemed companions, gather around, for I propose a toast of such import. Its echoes shall reverberate through the very fabric of time! Cast your gaze not upon the bounty that adorns this table, nor upon the merriment that fills the air, but rather, let us turn our collective vision towards the boundless expanse of the future! An uncharted sea, a tapestry yet to be woven, a horizon brimming with both peril and promise. We stand here at the precipice of a momentous occasion. Alliances are forged, destinies intertwined, and a path shall be charted that will surely leave its indelible mark upon the annals of history. Therefore, raise your goblets high, esteemed guests! Let the liquid amber within them shimmer and sparkle as we toast to the dawn that awaits! May our courage be unwavering, our wisdom illuminate the path ahead, and our triumphs be as numerous as the stars that dot the night sky. To the future! May it be a future etched in valour, bathed in the warm glow of collaboration, and forever etched in the collective memory of all who stand here tonight!"

Jean looked at me with a 'see what I am talking about'.

We turned towards the table, which was now full of food platters piled high with meats, vegetables, and loaves of bread—more than enough for the six of us.

We all raised our glasses, clinked them together and drank. I almost didn’t, noticing Orr peering intently at me as I drank the tasteless liquid in my cup.

Sprite: Analysing.

What?

Sprite: Analysing. You may need to excuse yourself soon.

Why?

Sprite: Bathroom.

I was worried but excused myself. I watched Orr intently, wondering if anything suspicious was in his look.

Sarah: What's up? You look tense.

To Sarah: Sprite told me to get to the bathroom. I'll let you know.

As I left, I listened to Thaddeus describe the food, "Feast your eyes, esteemed companions and guests, upon this glorious display! In the centre of pride of place, a roasted capon, its golden skin glistening with a glaze of honey and rosemary, rests upon a bed of fragrant herbs. Nestled beside it, a succulent leg of lamb, slow-cooked to melt-in-your-mouth perfection, awaits your delectation. For those who favour the bounty of the sea, a platter brimming with the freshest fish graces the table. Salmon, its flesh a vibrant pink, and plump prawns bathed in a delicate lemon butter sauce are presented alongside glistening oysters nestled on a bed of crushed ice. An array of seasonal vegetables completes this Epicurean masterpiece. Roasted root vegetables, their sweetness accentuated by a touch of caramelised glaze, mingle with vibrant green beans bathed in a touch of garlic and butter. And to elevate each dish to new heights, a selection of condiments awaits your discerning palate. Sharp pickles and piquant chutneys stand ready to add a touch of zest, while creamy dollops of horseradish and tangy cranberry sauce offer a delightful counterpoint to the richness of the meats. Of course, no feast is complete without the appropriate libations. Crystal goblets, each one as clear as a mountain stream, stand at the ready. For the deep, robust flavours of the roasted meats, a selection of full-bodied red wines beckons. Imagine, if you will, the rich ruby hues of a well-aged crushed grape, its notes of dark fruit and spice promising to perfectly complement the savoury offerings. For the delicate flavours of the fish, a selection of crisp white wines awaits. Picture goblets filled with a pale, straw-coloured wine, its hints of citrus and melon dancing on the palate and cleansing it in preparation for the next delectable morsel. So, esteemed friends, partake in this feast with gusto! Utilise the finely crafted cutlery – gleaming silver knives for the meats, delicate forks for the fish, and ornately carved spoons for the vegetables. Savour each bite, let the symphony of flavours tantalise your taste buds, and raise a toast to the merriment that awaits!"

Shit, I was glad to be away from that.

I was almost back in the room when it became obvious what Sprite was talking about. I started to feel warm, and then I started sweating. I didn’t feel ill, just hot and burning up.

Sprite: You are purging impurities.

What do you mean?

Sprite: Before the System, people controlled energy through sheer willpower. They spent hours meditating and performing rituals to perfect their physical form, aligning it with their mental and spiritual forms. One of the processes was purging imperfections, as your body got closer and closer to perfection, it had less and less impurities. They had to go somewhere, hence the purging of impurities.

Not very helpful.

Sprite: The system took over all their rituals and processes. The purge of impurities was not deemed necessary, as most beings did not approach perfection.

What does that mean for me?

Sprite: I am unsure. You are sweating out the impurities. From the little I know, it can be messy. The more impurities you have, the worse it gets.

Shit. So I am Tier 5, that is …

I didn’t get much further as the stench hit me, and the black tar-like substance started coming out of my skin. I made it to the bath as I began to projectile vomit vile black sludge.

My vision went blurry as my tear ducts started leaking gunk. Soon, I had a disgusting mess coming out of every possible place. I was vomiting, not just from the necessity of ridding my body of these impurities but also due to the stench and the absolutely disgusting feel. I'd rather do laps of a New York City sewer, maybe even have a bath in one of the hog farm manure lagoons outside Mexico City. Damn, it was foul.

Sprite: I have asked Sarah to come and help clean you up, she has a clensing spell.

Not yet. I'm disgusting at the moment.

Sprite: She said you are disgusting most of the time.

Not now, please.

I vomited up a chunk of something I am sure I ate back on Earth. Come to think of it, if I were purging impurities, most of these would be preservatives and other toxins from our modern lifestyle. Crap, I was never going to eat McDonalds again.

The sludge was thick and difficult to move. I ransacked the room for cleaning materials and saved some bath accessories for afterwards if I survived.

As more and more of the foul stuff left me, I started to feel more energised and alert, although I knew that I had only just started this process.

Sprite: I believe that Tiers 1 to 2 are complete.

Shit. Surely that would be most of it?

Sprite: Think about it. What happens when you go up a tier?

Shit. That means the 'quality' of the gunk will improve.

Sprite: I am afraid so.

How could it get worse?

Before Sprite could respond, I found out what Tier 2 – 3 gunk smelled like. Thankfully, there was less of it, but it was indeed of a higher quality. It came faster, and I was really burning up now, to a point where I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I was covered in a fine layer of black slime that started to harden due to the heat. I was coughing up black blood-like substances and vomiting black and green bile.

In between bouts of explosive diarrhoea, I grabbed the few remaining towels and, soaking them in water, I was able to scrape the layer off my skin, leaving it red and raw.

Sprite: Get ready. This will be more internal, I think Tier 1-2 was your skin, Tier 2-3 was your circulatory and respiratory system, this might be some internal organs.

Shit, not more.

Tier 3-4 gunk was semi explosive, and it was more internal, I felt my eyeballs exuding stuff and I could feel pain, my heart, and then where I was assuming my organs were as each started to leech toxins and sludge. More explosions from both ends and I was curled up, ready to die; it was degrading and becoming more and more painful as random parts of my body seemed to shut down as I vomited chunks of what looked like random biological matter.

I was burning and starting to feel everything, as if my senses were ramping up. Soon, I realised that I was no longer shaking and had not expunged anything for some time.

Sprite: There is just one organ left for Tier 5. I believe I will be unable to communicate with you for some time as your brain gets reconfigured. Be strong.

Shit, wait, what?

I blanked out.