Sarah woke later to a feeling of dread. Unsure why she felt frightened, she got out of bed and looked around her cabin, but nothing seemed changed at first glance. The pit of her stomach was clenching, and she felt sick to her stomach the feeling was so strong. What the hell is going on? She wondered.

She stepped out into the hallway outside her cabin – the lights were dimmed to half strength for the ship’s nightcycle, and the hallway looked gloomy. She noticed the doors to the others’ cabins were sealed – as expected – so she checked the bridge, to find it set on auto-pilot while they were in Jump space. When did we enter jump space? Sarah wondered. While I was sleeping? Maybe.

Unsure of where they were going, or what was happening, she wandered down to the common room to see if that would allay her feeling of dread. The sounds of the ship sounded ominous and strange in the dim lights – and the common room seemed full of looming shadows. No one was here, either.

Sarah considered searching engineering, but thought of the several warnings she had received about Hortencia’s plants. Still, other than the cargo bay and the garage, there was no where else to look. She entered the hallway between the common room and engineering, and saw the two hatches that descended to the cargo bay. I’ll start with engineering first, she thought.

Sarah entered engineering, and stopped in shock as she realized she was no longer on the Fortune’s Favor… She was wearing a familiar Blue and White uniform – albeit one that had never fit like it did now, in previous years – and she was in the Hyperion’s engine room. Samantha, with her short red hair and impish good looks was checking some engine readings with Dillon – shy brown haired Dillon. She stopped in shock, her jaw dropped. How is this possible? “Wha…”

Dillon heard the noise, and turned and smiled. “Hey sexy!” He said. “Just catching up on some engine maintenance before we hit the long sleep. It’s going to be years before we get to Europa, after all. We still on for dinner?”

“Um…” Sarah faltered. “How are you here? Shouldn’t you be dead?”

“What? From yesterdays training exercise?” Dillon exclaimed. “You sure know how to rub it in, Sarah.” Dillon came over and embraced her, putting his arms around her waist. “You know I don’t mind if you want to rub it in some more, honey.” Dillon whispered in her ear, stroking her groin and nibbled one of Sarah’s earlobes, making her gasp in surprise.

“What’s got into you, Dillon?” She asked.

“Just that I’m dating the sexiest woman on board the Hyperion.” Dillon replied

“Hey! Lovebirds!” Samantha called out. “Nookie later. Engine readings now.”

“Later, honey.” Dillon promised, as he let go of her waist and returned to his duties.

Sarah watched her friend Dillon go back to his duties, and stood stunned in shock – both at the feelings coursing through her body from Dillon’s touch – but also from the shock of seeing and hearing her dead friends – and being back on board the Hyperion, which as far as Sarah knew, had been sent to the scrappers.

I must be dreaming, she thought. Am I dreaming? What the hell is going on? Dillon died… they all did. She turned and left the engine room, and threaded her way through the Hyperion’s narrow passageways, heading towards her cabin and the bridge, her confusion growing.

Her cabin on board the Hyperion seemed mostly the same – with the exception of a group photo with her friends that showed her as Sarah, and not John. Am I dreaming, she wondered again. This is wishful thinking, isn’t it? Things didn’t happen this way.

She sat on her bunk, trying to figure out what the hell was going on, when she noticed a dark shadow fall across the floor in front of her. She looked up and saw herself – but not herself. She saw John Kerrigan – the man she used to be, dressed in his Hyperion Flight suit, staring down at her.

“You know, you kind of killed me.” He said. “You erased me, like I never existed. How could you do that to me?” he asked in a hurt voice.

“You’re … you’re not real!” Sarah replied, looking afraid, looking up at her male doppelganger.

“I am real, Sarah – as real as you are, and maybe more real than you are. After all, you’ve had what? Twenty years experience being me – and like what? Three days being Sarah. Who exactly did you think would be stronger? You’re made of me, Sarah – my experiences, my pains – they were yours, and they still are. You can’t just erase me and pretend I never was.”

“I got rid of you!” Sarah cried, standing up and moving away from John. “You were killing me!”

“I know!” John replied. “We were killing ourselves with pain. Do you think we would have survived on Europa? You had fallen for Dillon, Dillon had fallen for Katie and no one and nothing was going to be able to help us with our problems. We would have been dead within a year, maybe two at best!”

“Why are you talking like we’re the same?” Sarah replied, scared.

“Because we are, Sarah. I’m John – the part of you that was willing to do anything to get off of Earth, the part of you that was driven to succeed, the part of you that felt all your pain and dysphoria. I don’t know what you stand for yet – and neither do you. Are you content to be a simple merchant, hanging with a crew of ne’er do wells – or did you want more from your life? Do you have a home? Or is home three thousand years ago and hundreds of light years gone? Who are you, Sarah? What are you? What do you stand for? If you can’t even answer that, how do you expect to understand me?”

John the doppelganger continued. “You keep denying me – like we’re different people. If you took all my experiences away from you, you would be a shell of a person. We’re the same – you and I – we just have different bodies. If you deny me, and all that I worked to accomplish, then you deny yourself too.”

“I don’t want any part of you!” Sarah screamed.

“You can’t exist without me!” John returned. “I am you. Why can’t you see we can work together to be whole.” John started to cry. “Don’t leave me here like this.” He said, stammering with sobs. “Take me with you. I don’t belong here anymore. Don’t leave me behind!”

Sarah felt tears run down her cheeks as she felt what John was feeling. Being abandoned. Left alone in a past he didn’t want and no longer existed for him. She had tried to excise part of herself, and part of her was fighting back. She did the only thing she could. She gathered John into a hug, and simple held him while he cried. “I’m sorry John. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” John whispered in her ear.

Everything dissolved into blackness.

Sarah woke, gasping in shock, upset and on the edge of tears – and as she realized what she had tried to do, she broke down crying. The pain of seeing her self – broken, abandoned, had hurt her more than she knew – and the feelings of seeing her friends Samantha and Dillion again brought back memories and grief of her friends and chosen family that were still too fresh for her to deal with. She pulled her knees up against her chest, and cried. She cried for her friends, for the Hyperion and all the people that died uselessly in cryo, denied their chance at a new life. She cried for John – the part of herself that had suffered so much – and she cried for herself, because John was right. She didn’t know what she wanted. She didn’t know what she stood for. She was a pretty, empty shell, still trying to discover who she was. The truth hurt, and the truth was she either had to accept John – and all his experiences and what made him him, or she would have to deny everything that he was.

She didn’t know who she was anymore. Was she Sarah, or John, or some mix of both? Who was she? Sarah couldn’t tell, and the tears came freely and strong, until her body was wracked by sobs, and she cried herself to sleep once more.

The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

* * *

Sarah woke sometime later, feeling achy and tired, with dried tears and sleep crusting in her eyes. “Oh god.” She groaned. “That was a shitty dream.” Sarah said, slowly getting up. Still, the dream had had something to say. She didn’t really know who the new her was. She really didn’t know what she wanted out of her life yet. Those are all problems I’m going to have to solve, she thought. And soon.

She grabbed a brush from her nightstand, and tried to calm her wild locks by brushing them into submission. It took a few minutes and some hair-tugging, but she managed, and grinned to herself. I know I want one thing today – a haircut. This hair is too damn long. Something cute and easy to manage would be nice.

As she readied herself for the day, she mulled over what Dream-John had said. I was being unrealistic, she thought, thinking I could have a clean break from who I was before. John is me – I just changed his name and his appearance. Otherwise, we’re the same. How do I integrate those two aspects together? She couldn’t answer that question at the moment, but she did have an answer for another question Dream-John had posed. She kind of liked this crew of Ne’er do wells – and she was content to stay with them. They were her friends, and her new chosen family. She wouldn’t just abandon them. Drago with his little dragonet friend Herc, Hortencia with her toxic plants and odd family values, and Bear with his Sims and all the baggage that went with his past. They were her family now.

“I guess it’s time to go say good morning to the family.” She muttered. “I hope they still have coffee in this millennia.” Sarah checked herself one more time in the mirror, and deemed herself acceptable, and then headed towards the common room. As she left her cabin, she felt her spirits lifting – gaining some distance from her deeply disturbing dream helped. She felt good – really good – and although she didn’t know exactly who she was going to become, or where she was going, she didn’t let her spirits get too down – after all, she – and John – had finally accomplished what they’d wanted for so long! She had a damn good reason to be happy, and she wasn’t going to let a dream – even an important one – get her down.

“Hey guys!” She gushed as she came into the common room to see Hortencia, Drago and Bear eating breakfast. Herc was next to Drago, and was trying to sneak off with some scrambled eggs.

“Hey yourself!” Bear replied. “You are happy this morning.”

“Yup!” Sarah replied, grabbing a meal and heating it. “I feel pretty darn good.”

“That’s great!” Drago laughed. “If you looked any happier, I’d think you were high on something.”

“I almost feel high, Drago. Because I’m so happy.” Sarah laughed back. “Today is going to be great!”

“I hope so, too.” Hortencia replied. “I’ve got some maintenance to do before we break atmo. How long before you get us some cargo, Sarah?”

Sarah grabbed her now hot meal from the cooker, and carried it gingerly to the table. “Well, I figure it’ll take me an hour or two to see what cargo is available, and from there I’ll make an offer and see if anyone bites. We should be all done by this afternoon at the latest, if I do okay.”

“Good.” Bear remarked. “Didn’t you need to go into starport today?”

“Yeah, Bear.” Sarah said. “I need a haircut. Other than that, a quick trip to a pharmacy will cover everything else I’ll need.”

“Did you want company?” Bear asked.

“Sure! Thanks Bear. Are you getting a haircut too?”

“Maybe. Maybe not. I just wanted to get out of ship for a bit.” Bear replied.

“Yeah, why not?” Sarah laughed.

“Good.” Bear got up from the table and tossed the package from his breakfast into the recycler. “Then I will see you soon, after we have cargo.” He smiled again, and headed up towards his cabin.

“Bear sure is happy lately.” Drago commented.

“Duh!” Hortencia laughed. “Think about it.”

“Huh? What do you mean, Hortencia?” Sarah asked.

“Um… Nothing, Sarah. I think Bear is just warming up to you, our newest crewmember.” Hortencia looked a little coy.

Sarah sighed. I figured it might have something to do with my looks, she thought. I do remind him of his girlfriend. “Do you think it will be a problem?” She asked.

“Not really.” Hortencia replied. “Unless you think it’s a problem.”

Sarah didn’t really know what to think about that issue at the moment, so she nodded, and turned her attention towards the food. This meal had scrambled eggs – from some ostrich sized bird called a Kian, she thought – and strips of sausage and bacon from another mystery land animal. She remembered her surprise when she discovered the Kian when she was surfing the ships computers – apparently people used them as riding mounts as well as for food. They were sold all over the subsector for both purposes. Weird.

Breakfast was good as usual, although to Sarah’s Terran taste buds, the eggs had an earthy aftertaste she wasn’t sure she really liked. The juice was good – and she was starting to realize she preferred Nadron juice over Kalisto juice – although she still couldn’t identify what kind of fruits those were exactly. Nadrons were sort of like pink coloured tangerines or oranges, and Kalisto fruit looked really weird, but tasted sort of like pineapple juice with a hint of lemony citrus. Sarah sighed again. Even food in the future was pretty strange to her still. She tried to not let it get her down, and finished her breakfast.

“I gotta go find some cargo, guys. I’ll see you later?” Sarah remarked.

“I’ll be in engineering.” Hortencia replied.

“I’ll be killing time until we leave.” Drago said, laughing. “I’m going to be doing some pilot training sims. I know how to fly shuttles and pinnace’s - but learning to fly a starship is something else I think I need to learn. Bear can’t always be the pilot.”

“Cool.” Sarah replied. “I was trained as a pilot for the Hyperion. Maybe I could help out there too, if needed?”

“Not a bad idea, Sarah.” Drago replied. “I’ll fire off a copy of the sim to your terminal for later.”

Hortencia and Drago got up to leave, and Sarah finished off what remained of her breakfast, still unsure about the flavour of Kian eggs. As she put the last of her trash into the recyclers, she brushed off her hands. “Time to find some cargo!”

* * *

It turned out that Edenelt was a great place to sell cargo – but an odd duck of a place when it came to buying cargo. It was neither industrial or non-industrial, rich nor poor, nor agricultural or non agricultural… In fact, the only cargoes that Edenelt seemed to produce where the results of its high technology – many of which were far out of the Fortunes Favor’s price range for cargo. One cargo was within reach – some pretty advanced wheeled ground cars, designed for non-industrial worlds that couldn’t afford grav technology. Sarah gave the seller a call – a man by the name of Leif Kinsey – and arranged to meet with him later that day, just shortly before lunch.

Leif Kinsey turned out to be fairly tall and rather unappealing, visually. His face was far too fleshy for Sarah’s taste, and his green eyes were watery and looked insipid. Still, she could tell he had a bright mind – as he entered her cargo hold, she could see him take stock of how much room they had, assess her – and dismiss her – in one smooth motion – and judge how much he could take us for. That’s mildly annoying, being dismissed like that. Sarah thought. I’m going to have to fight to hold my own.

“Hello! Mr. Kinsey, I presume?” She began.

“Yes. I presume you are Miss Kerrigan?” Leif replied. “I understand you would like to purchase some of my vehicles?”

“Yes. I’d like to purchase 10 tons of them. Primarily ground cars, ATVs and other similar vehicles.”

Mr. Kinsey’s watery eyes looked her up and down, and Sarah felt a little strange as the merchant obviously began to check her out. “Let’s deal.” He replied.

In the end, Sarah managed to fight Mr. Kinsey down from 15,000 credits per ton to 12,000 credits per ton – but it hadn’t been easy, and the pig had offered to drop the price even lower if she had ‘anything else to offer’. She sighed. It seemed that fact that people didn’t change through the millennia had its down sides as well as its positive sides. Maybe I can use that to my advantage, she wondered. I might as well make use of every talent I have, no pun intended. She sighed again. “At least I did okay on the deal.” She muttered to herself. “I’d better go tell Bear.” In the end, the total purchase had cost her 120,000 credits – which was a lot of money.

I know I can make that back, she thought, So why am I so worried about it? She wondered a bit as she headed up the ladder to the main deck of the Fortune’s Favor. Maybe because it’s the biggest trade I’ve done so far? Probably.

Bear was in the common room, watching a Vid. “Hey Sarah! How did trade go?”

“Pretty good – I got us a cargo that should sell well on half the planets in this subsector, so it doesn’t really matter where we go. Where are we going?” Sarah asked.

“I think Drago is right. It is time I returned home to Burston. My Babushka has not seen me in eight years, and I miss her. That, and Drago has a right to see his family too – his parents and siblings live on Burston. It is time to go home.” Bear didn’t look entirely convinced about the idea, but seemed more resigned to it.

“Is everything all right. Bear?” She asked.

“I have been thinking, is all.” Bear began. “I left Burston to forget Sorcha, and instead I carried her with me all this time. The weight of it is killing me, I think. I think I need to say goodbye. Maybe put down my baggage.”

Wow, Sarah thought. That sounds pretty rough. “Need some moral support?”

Bear smiled, and looked at Sarah with thanks. “Da, if you are offering.”

“I am.” She said, smiling in return. “After all, you’re coming with me to the hairdressers, right?”

“Is not the same thing,” he said smiling, “But I guess it works. Thank you.”

“No problem, Bear. Want to head out? I have an appointment at 3:30pm, and the cargo is all loaded.”

“Sure. Let’s go.” Bear got up, and motioned for Sarah to precede him to the airlock.