The High Mage looked unimpressed as I walked over to him, remembering to judder, but completely aware that sparking erratically was beyond my current level of acting. I don't think it helped that draped over me like a cape the ghost of the Ghost was doing it's insubstantial best to throttle me after my arguments with Persephone to see if we could try to exorcise him met a stubborn veto.

He doesn't even do anything except annoy the shit out of me. Please just let me kill him again...

<< You shouldn't have even killed him the first time! It serves you bloody right! Besides I'll be able to upgrade him with Dungeon Points like I upgraded you >>

"Beeep Booooop! Intruder Defeated!" I chanced my luck.

Terendrian's expression slowly changed to look of boredom with mild irritation. I suppose the silently talking to myself maybe helped give me that malfunctioning automaton look, but I began to think that might not be the best path to follow.

"Yes, I dare say he was. Well that was damned regrettable. Can't say I liked the man, but this hardly seems like a better arrangement!"

Zinnaella was in heap on the floor, a snotty, gurgling pile of fraying red curls, silk robes and lace. i was beginning to feel bad.

The High Mage on the other hand had full arsehole mode engaged:

"Oh do get up cousin! The cad had been trying to kill you for years and it's his own damned fault for trying to solo what is obviously a Dungeon Boss. Still..."

He floated towards me, the blue energy that surrounded him crackling in my face. He then extended his hand within an inch of my forehead and flicked me in the forehead Oww. That's annoying

"...his aggression routine seem a bit off. Let's try this..."

He pinged me in the forehead again, only this time with the force of a thousand suns. I went flying off into the wall leaving a me-shaped dent in the wall.

Moments later, as I felt myself peeling off the wall like some kind of spider/man hybrid sliding down the the ceramic sides of a bath tub or toilet bowl, I reflected that I'd maybe done something to piss the generally irritatingly jovial High Mage off and that it might be a good idea to know what it was. 

<< I keep forgetting how much you nerfed your Mental Stats, just so you could play around as some kind of time-travelling, alcoholic, iron man. Min-maxing is all well and good, but you're not made of adamantium and you're only level 2. You're going to need to think things through and talk your way out of problems rather than hulk out or beast your way through things >>

How the hell was I suppose to talk my way out of that fight? He just started attacking me!

<< By Thor's shitting hammer, of course you could have said something at some point! I mean, you're not a thing! Sure it might not have worked, but worth a shot not to *FUCKING KILL SOMEONE* in front of the Master of the Mystical Arts over there while he's evaluating you to decide whether or not to put you down. You are so irritating sometimes, it's like your completely devoid of Charisma! >>

I watched Terendrian's bored face leak a slow drip of water from the corner of his eye and wondered if reporting it to him was an idea that might regarner his favour...

What's Charisma? I asked Persephone.

My lady boss did not answer me, but seemed busy doing something that sounded like shuffling through files, scrolls, or some other items made of paper.

<< I can't believe I'm still cleaning up this mess. >>

If the golem-me dies, do I die, too? I was starting to get nervous as the High Mage continued to look at me as if weighing something in his mind, and from Persephone's hint, I suspected that it might be whether to end me for good.

"Beep! Boop! New intruder spotted!" I continued my act, wondering if I could now convince him that I was not a threat. Picking myself up from the floor, I started swinging the Haunted Blade at a blank wall. "Repel-pel-pel intruder!"

This is not going to work.

Behind me, Zinnaella suddenly stopped sobbing, but I didn't dare react to the change. Screaming a long string of curses that were too rapid and wordy and contained too many foreign references I didn't understand, she suddenly lunged at me. "... will be exterminated for a crime so grave against a common dungeon decency that states that a Dungeon Boss should not be wandering amok but stay in a clearly-marked chamber that suggests to adventurers in obvious ways-"

I didn't hear the rest of her reasoning for killing me, as I once again pretended to spin around erratically. "In-tru-tru-tru"

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Yes, I'm trying to 'accidentally' kill her, too, and I have no fucking clue how Charisma, which I don't have, is going to help me right now.

<< Stop it! >>

As soon as Persophone let out her annoyed yell, something happened. 

-- Minion 'Quicksilver Ben' has been upgraded to LVL 2! --

-- You now have 2 attribute points to spend. --

 << You are so incredibly high maintenance! I was saving experience for a nice labyrinth, maybe some spooky ghost shit and a second floor, but I guess I have to do something here. >>

Sweet! Attribute points! I'm sure there was a point that Persephone was trying to make and I knew that the middle of a fight was probably a bad time to open up a status screen, but... Attribute Points! I was sure it would balance out.

I grabbed out passed Zinnaella's erratic flailing and my hand enfolded around her face.

Had I grown when I leveled?

I'm sure I wasn't this big before... Hmm, something to think about later. For the moment; Lets sort out these Attribute Points!

I threw the Assassin back, head first. She flew into the wall, though I could have sworn something cushioned her fall.

No matter, hopefully that would have stunned her long enough to sort myself out. I popped open my Stat Screen:

Stats Health 1 Dexterity 1 Strength 1 Stamina 1 Intellect 3     Physical Resistance 5 Emotional Resistance 6 Magical Resistance 5 Environmental Influence 4 -- You have 5 points to spend! -- (You will unlock more types of stats as you evolve)

<< I swear to the gods, if you add more points to fucking Environmental Influence I'm going to spend the rest of my life and experience boosting Steve up until he can properly haunt and torment your ass! >>

I guiltily move the curser toward Intellect instead.

<< No... but at least that shows a mild attempt at thought, click on the slightly greyed out box underneath >>

Following her directions I clicked on the grey button with a downward arrow and the mother of all menus opened up, so big that it bounced off the ground and rolled behind me. It whirred and clicked and I could see the options in tiny writing as the highlighter scrolled through it all; Accountancy, Alcohol Tolerance, Archeomancy, Archery, Attitude, Aura, Bar Fighting, Bee-Keeping, Bolivan Folk Dancing... It was a mess, surely some of these were skills more than they were attributes?

<< See this shit is why we normally stick to the basic menu, but you had to turn into a murderous robotic arsehole. >>

I'm not 'murderous'! I was defending myself! He kept trying to kill me!

<< And what are you doing right now exactly?! >>

Zinnaella was stirring on the ground where I had thrown her. I really needed to stomp her face in. I could spend the attribute points later, really I just needed to kill her and get some delicious floating stardust that her corpse would surely extrude.

<< Nonnonononno... See this is where you're being an idiot. Any Dungeon knows, you always let some escape so that they come back with more...

Argh no, you're dragging me into your stupidity! We weren't trying to kill anyone this time round, we just wanted to get an Easy Rating and farm noobs. That way we can just chill out for a few months and build up some kind of plan.

Look there's Charisma shove the 2 points in there and we can talk our way out of this! >>

The [Charisma] stat glowed gold in front of my eye - Do you wish to select and add points to this stat? Unlocking this path may prevent you from unlocking others - and I just couldn't. I really just fucking couldn't.

So what... I just have to accept getting beaten up? Just bow my head, just accept orders?!

<< I mean, you're a Golem? You chose to be a Golem! Following orders is pretty much what you do!? Why are you fighting me so much on this? >>

I didn't chose this Phenotype so that I could be controlled and forced to fight like an animal with incredibly shitty owners!

<< No one's forced you to fight, you could have just have died any time you wanted. Besides whether or not you remember it you're the one who chose to become a minion, so tell me if you did not want to be an obedient little schmuck why choose to be a Golem on top of that? >>