*Note: The MC is cursing his friends, it's part of his character. It might sound bad, but I think it's necessary

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Second Report: A stick in your ass (originally: A penis in my hair)

March 15, 2014 on earth Raskad 15, 7693 on Jadrian

Yong here, cursing while writing this damn report.

I can't believe that it takes three weeks to recharge this damn wristwatch. Who was the one who designed it to gather so much energy? I'll kill him for sure once I had returned to the base.

Now, the report. It has been 6 weeks since I arrived at this damn world, in which I've been playing around. Yeah, I'm not planning to be a hard-worker here.

Actually, the comrade you promised to send me hasn't arrived at this place. That's the reason I was being lazy until a while ago. I mean, it's not like I have a clue leading me to a way out of this world.

Let me rephrase that. Are you kidding me? I belong to the craziest mercenary army in the galaxy, and no one can come to save me!

I'm sure you don't even care about me anymore and decided to send some old hag who died in some fight with some horny elves, right?

Anyway, I will report the last three weeks to get some human contact. I don't want to become crazy like the man who was in the cell in front of me. I've heard more than enough about how the elves have sex from him.

First, one week after a week of being in prison, the elves released and threw me on the streets.

The reason?

I had given the opportunity to the Elven kingdom of gaining advantage over the human kingdoms. Now, the elves were winning the war. So I received the nickname of "the Elven race's savior" and they had to release me.  But my freedom came with certain conditions.

Simple conditions! I who was a little boy from the human race, I who was an Asian, would have to live within the capital of the Elven Kingdom of Greenarie forever. Wasn't it a good deal?

Of course not! Like hell I would accept such conditions!

Just think about it, they would allow me to marry an elf woman, only if she wished for it. They would let me have a single child with her and only if it were to swear loyalty to the kingdom and went to war as cannon fodder. No job granted for a ten year old boy and I would be a slave until I was old enough to have my own family.

Screw you fucking elves!

Since then, I have been living in an orphanage where they could afford some food to feed me. There I've been learning the Elven language called Greenier.

Yeah, Yeah. I know that the elves are obsessed with the damn green color. I mean, they have all the roofs of their houses painted green and their fucking castle is green!

The capital, where I was living, was called Greentier. SEE! GREEN, GREEN THIS, GREEN THE OTHER!

Can you believe it? I even believe that when you say “I” in their language, you're saying green as well. It goes like this: grel tor = I'm.

And not only that, they decided that a human training with weapons was too dangerous. So they took away my weapons and porn m...... educational books. They even forced me to strip naked in front of them to make sure I didn't have any hidden weapons in my clothes or between my thighs.

I curse you for an eternity you fucking elves!

Still, I was allowed to keep my wristwatch after I explained that it was a gift from my dead father. Stupid elves, how can you believe in an innocent kid!

The Elven capital is a great place, it’s the freaking city where all the hottest elves in the kingdom gather to begin as adventurers.

The only problem was that the elves believed that every human being is a pervert, so they avoided me all the time. I used to sigh so much in those first three days.

Back on the Earth, after getting this body, I would enter in the women's bathroom and no one would complain as I was a kid. But here, I wasn't allowed to play with the other children.

But that changed after spending two weeks learning the Elven language, which name I'm going to avoid. Too much green for a day!

I was ready to pay a visit to the beautiful elf women. They didn't seem to be bothered with me after I disguised myself as an elf. I know, I'm a genius, as long as I keep away from the teleportation devices!

Back to the main point, The capital was a huge maze of wooden houses with a great market in the center. The green castle was located in the northern district and the adventurer district in the east. The city was surrounded by a thick forest and has never been attacked because of it.

As an orphan I was only allowed to visit the great market. What was as boring as seeing the infomercials at the early morning hours.

Even so, going to the market and seeing the merchants working was better than spending my time eating vegetarian pies in the prison. And, I had to work and impress some females.

Imagine the quantity of possible girls who would want to marry me after seeing my awesome body!

I would be like my personal guard, Fez' tu, with his fancy house and an ugly wife who cooks vegetarian food!

I'm getting paranoiac! Please send that old hag to save me!

Well, I would have liked being lazy until I find that old hag, but I just had the necessity to work. So I have been working as an assistant of a merchant in the merchant district.

This merchant offered me to marry his ugly daughter after I showed him my transmutation skill. He was earnest to get some good descendants that could use my ability to help his business.

It's not like I disliked the girl due to her face, but her personality was.... trash. She was the worst girl I've met in my life!

I mean, she told me I'll have to take care of the child and work my ass off if I wanted to marry her.

Of course I was lying about that. She did something worse than that!

While we were moving some cages to a caravan, she called me little shit and dhutyor Asian. She even ran away to play with her friends and let me alone with all the work when I can only speak 30% of the language.

The owner of the caravan came and asked me something I couldn't understand. So I just did what I understand from his words. Who would have thought that the green cage was full with glass and the red was filled with minerals?

The damn red cage crushed the green and the owner of the caravan got angry at me. I had to kneel on the floor and ask him to forgive me while all the surrounding people were laughing of me!

Can you believe that?

What type of girl calls dhutyor to his future husband? I mean, what kind of girl abandons his friend in such situation?

I don't know what it means, but I better avoid being called that.

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And my boss was worse. He said that I will have to pay for my mistake with my own money and he wanted me to take his daughter immediately. That guy's brain was screwed if he believed I would do such thing.

What was my answer?

I kicked him in the crotch, took his money and ran away as soon as he said that. I didn't want to end up being the poor guy who committed suicide after being cheated.

But at least the people in the orphanage treated me well. Once I was there, they would find a way to help me. That was I thought until I saw Jericco, the human hero, being hugged by my favorite elf woman inside the orphanage. My heart was crushed once again by this scene. The hero and his companions had arrived at the orphanage, including Annice.

Of course, I escaped from the orphanage two seconds after being seen by the others.

Why?

Did you lose your memory? Of course I didn't want to see Annice at that moment. My heart hadn't recovered from the pain she had caused me, so I just ran as quickly as I could.

I ran straight to a brothel in the red zone of the city. No, I wasn't going into some drunk's bitch. I was visiting a little friend of mine.

No, she wasn't a bitch! Seriously guys, how fucked is your mind if you thought that while reading a ten year old boy's report?

The poor girl was the daughter of a prostitute and didn't have many friends due to that. But she didn't look like her ugly mother. No, she was an angel, with her silky blond hair, green eyes and skin was as smooth as a baby. She was shorter than me thought.

She would play out of the brothel all the day while the women were attending the men that came from all over the city. But she was always alone as no one wanted to play with her because of her mother's job.

I, like the gentleman I was, played with her without discrimination and we became friends with the time. I knew she didn't like her life in this damn city, so I decided to take her with me.

Once I got in front of the brothel, I knocked the brothel entrance three times. Some lady came out of it and went to look for her after seeing my face and giggling.

Damn bitch! Go and get a husband instead of being here!

While I was cursing under my breath, the girl called Fro, came out of the door with a sleepy face. She accepted to escape from the city after I told her that I was heading out and I wouldn't return. She was reluctant in the beginning, but I somehow convinced her with an example about her mother beating her daily.

We headed towards the outer wall of the city, which was made of rock. There I had confirmed the existence of a hole in the lower part of it through which we would escape.

It was my happiest day in my life, I was escaping from a group of Elven soldiers with a pretty girl. I could hear the shout of the merchant claiming how I had stolen all his money from while I was running.

I even could imagine the scene of a fat merchant with a red face, shouting at the guards with a sobbing ugly daughter in his feet.

Because I was an old man in the body of a child, everyone at home laughed about me and my love for little girls. Even master said I will never get married because of it.

Screw them all! Was what I thought at that time.

Please. Forgive me for my insolence, Master!

The moment we passed through the hole in the outer wall, “the girl's skirt” got caught between the  wall. In the middle of her confusion, she tried to pull it out of the wall and “her skirt” tore.

What I saw after that moment was traumatic for my young mind. She had a “little friend” between her thighs.

It was the most horrible scene I had seen in my entire life.

WWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I screamed like a girl as I continue running away from that place. I couldn't believe such thing, all the time he had been lying about something so important.

I don't know how many time I ran, but when I stopped running I was far away from the city at this point.

The problem came when I fall in a hole that was a hunter's trap. It was poorly designed, so it didn't kill me, still.....

Grrrooarh!

I tried to get out of the hole to no avail, I had impaled myself on a stick within the bad designed trap.

The good thing about this situation was that I had only gotten a stick in my ass and I wasn't injured. The bad thing was THAT I HAD AN STICK IN ASS!

It was the most painful experience I had survived until now.

After crying for a while, it took me a whole hour to get out of that hole and I decided to write this report.

Please! Send the old hag to save me!

I request your help! No! I beg for your help!

- Your dear friend Kang Yong-suk

Response (3)

1.-

I don't know what to say.... a stick, seriously?

You should ask the help from the hero instead of running away from him each time you feel your inferiority complex.

-Dmitri

2.-

Whoa! I want to go with you in your adventures, but I don't think that my ass can endure so much pain. I'm sorry.

By the way, I have a new arm, it's a metallic one with a lot of useful weapons. Fufufu.

-Javier

3.-

Screw you all, eh?

I had sent a pretty girl to help you, but I think I will ask her to return to the base. You and your “friend” can live happily without me.

You don't have to worry, I can burn all your precious “treasures” whenever I can.

-Your former Master and teacher

First ReportINDEXThird Report

Hypocritical Humility

The Cruel and Arrogant Bastard