My protective Chad Formation had shielded the Asylum and those within its walls against the Dao storm. Sadly, more than one of our number had been out exploring when it happened.

Sergei Ivanov was sneaking from cover to cover with a silenced pistol unholstered, reporting his findings around the mountain peak over a hand-held radio in some KGB-era Russian code-language that not even Tibby could understand.

Mr. Maxson had also lost all the Chads in his mental gym. The elderly gentleman was interviewing already recovered residents of Happyland, unable to hold a conversation that didn’t involve psychoanalyzing his conversation partner.

But the worst victim of the Dao storm was by far Batman.

My first dog. My fur coated companion. He was gone. In his place was a rabid beast of demonic Qi and malevolence, snapping his jaw at his buddy Grog, clawing his brother doggos. We had to seal him in one of the underground cells and hope that mine and Dr. Edelfelt’s techniques combined could return him to the good boy he once was.

To lift our moods, we gathered to BBQ some jungle crabs. Despite Nelly leading a little group dance, the conversation eventually drifted to figuring out our next move.

“Could you make a portable Chad formation?” Dr. Edelfelt asked.

“Protective Chad formation is a static defense, but I could potentially buff people with Chad encouragements. As long as they feel good about themselves, my energy will linger with them and offer some protection.”

“Risky. Not everyone can keep smiling if they step on poop,” said Nelly.

I nodded. “Dao Chadness is all about the attitude and being enough by yourself. It’s not a path suited for item crafting.”

Grog made a monkey noise.

“Yeah! We could make a flying base. Smart Grog, that’s exactly what I was thinking too, before we got yeeted here.” Nelly grinned excitedly.

“That’s something for later, when you grow in power. It may be a good method for eventually escaping this reality, if we make it sturdy enough to sail straight though the realm of Dao. For now, I think our best option is to gain more Dao cultivators, and to figure out a way to predict the Dao storms.” That said, I dipped deep into Big Brain mode, smelling numbers, tasting formulas, and hearing equations. My brain crunched a question out of the information.

“Nelly, when we arrived, you said the Qi felt off.”

“Oh. OH! Yeah, like it smelt kinda wrong. Doesn’t anymore though.”

“Now that you mention it, I do recall the atmosphere feeling somewhat strange,” Dr. Edelfelt noted.

“That might’ve had to do with the spiritual energy saturation of Qi.” Laura’s comment made all eyes lock onto the blonde girl, causing her to blurt into a nervous explanation. “What I mean. See, when you asked us to work with scientists. There was this one cute dude in Norway, who’d managed to get his hands on a lot of cultivation pills and reached the third realm. Poor guy had been afraid to step outside and just spent his days measuring Qi in the air. He helped us develop some ways to measure Qi, and through Qi, spiritual energy, which is the next step for any traditional Qi cultivator. Think of it as an energy that’s less physical, but more in-tune with an individual’s soul. It’s how traditional cultivators are able to manipulate Daos.

“I’m rambling. What’s relevant is that it gets easier to detect the stronger your cultivation. Moreover, ambient spiritual energy and spiritual energy leaking from powerful techniques is usually felt as heaviness in the Qi. It resists everything a little more. It doesn’t let itself get cultivated as easily.”

“And it tastes worse.”

Laura nodded at Nelly. “And it tastes worse, yes.”

“Fascinating. As long as the Dao Storms aren’t a daily occurrence or altogether unpredictable, we should be able to schedule expeditions with this detection technique.”

“I think so!” Laura nodded at Dr. Edeleft, who moved onto more technical questions about Qi.

“Amazing progress Laura. I’ll leave figuring out the storm prediction to you,” I said, giving her an encouraging rub on the shoulder.

It couldn’t have been more than a month or two since I tasked her, Timothy, and Hellen with getting some scientists in on our project. Like me and Nelly, she hadn’t had a chance of regular education, but here she was, giving a lecture on her scientific understanding of Qi, and shining like the center star of a constellation. Truly amazing.

To solidify our cheerful spirits, we broke into Mr. Maxson’s alcohol cabinet and just enjoyed the night.

Nelly sang some off-tune songs she improvised on the spot with Grog on the drums and dogs and I as a chorus. Dr. Edelfelt taught us a few outdoor games. Hellen and Laura showed off their demonic Qi control by making fireworks. And when the tipsiness reached its apex, we did some dancing under a bright sea of foreign stars.

***

Following morning, the cliff’s edge.

“Friends, gentlemen, my fellow bruhs. Happyland’s survival rests on the shoulders of Dao cultivators. Lives of our loved ones are dependent on whether or not you stand up and rise as true Chads. While this is a dire situation indeed, this cinch is the greatest boon you could receive as an Alpha Cultivator. Why is that?”

“Bruh, it’s because Alpha cultivation is all about protection. Bruh.”

Dese Nuts squeaked in agreement of Maxman’s reply.

I gave them a Chadly nod. “Protection and presence. Big Dick energy is much harder to generate by slapping your opponents than by taking their hits and smiling them into surrender. Though our foe now is nature and the magical realm of Dao itself, the act of standing tall and grinning at them is no less potent than it is against humans. If anything, nature is the greatest test and first of men. Which is why, today, we will upgrade your training from muscle cultivation to using Alpha techniques against the environment.”

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Maxman’s brows twitched, hesitation flashing in his eyes.

“You don’t believe you are ready, my bruh,” I observed.

Maxman tilted his head, frowning as he felt his bicep. “I’m in decent shape but… there are gym-rats stronger than me… Runners faster than me. Heck, even Sergei is in a tougher shape than I am, and he’s gotta be pushing sixty.”

On cue, Sergei rolled to take cover behind a rock near us, and reported something into his walkie talkie.

“I’ll admit that I was in better shape than you, when I began my true spurt through the external stages of Chadhood. And it’s true that you would benefit greatly from being stronger than you are now. However! Sometimes the world needs Chadness before Chad is ready. This is no different from when your lover was being abused by her father. Tell me, Maxman Fightmater, first bruh of Gigachad sect, did you back down from her father and cower from his wrath?”

“No.”

“Did you ask mercy and wait to strike back until you were fit?”

“No!”

“Did you fear failure because of unfair odds?”

“No!” His voice and gaze had grown firm as steel. Big Dick energy resonated with the determination within him, causing Maxman’s scrappy stubble to thicken.

“And now that the world has once more thrust you into a situation beyond your strength, will you bow down and quit, or will you continue on, walking the path of Chadness like a bold bruh you were meant to be?”

“I will Chad on!” shouted Maxman, bursting into a spontaneous workout routine of push-ups, situps, and squats. “My body is ready, bruh! I’m ready to cultivate.”

“That’s the spirit of a true Chad! Alright. Let’s start with the first Alpha Walk, [Chad Stride]. Watch.”

I had next to no teaching experience, but I knew how to motivate someone. A simple walking technique would be boring and inflicting boredom upon a student was a crime I could not commit. My junior bruh needed to see the most magnificent version of [Chad Stride]. He needed to get his eyeballs popped with awe.

“Fuuu…” I breathed in deeply, my Chadified lungs inhaling approximately thousand liters of air with a single inhale. They punched the air into my bloodstream, generating a small passive trickle of Big Dick energy from the act.

Energy, which I channeled into a [Chad Stride] aimed straight forward.

“Bruh, hold on you can’t…” Maxman’s mouth fell open, his eyes widening. “Bruh… How?”

I turned to explain the technique, “The key to executing clean [Chadstride] is focusing on keeping your groin comfortable. Take wide steps. Let your hips and shoulders swagger. Maintain straight posture and make sure to look everyone you meet in the eye. That’s the physical part, but far more crucial than the physical execution is the mental image.” I tapped my forehead. “Chadness is all about attitude. Whilst using Alpha Walk techniques, understand that you are not merely moving from place A to place B. You are spreading Chadness in the area of AB. The act of Alpha Walking is a declaration. With your presence you are saying to others that all is well, for if anything needs doing or the room needs brightening, a Chad is here.”

“Whoa… I… I think I get it, but bruh. How are you walking on the air?”

Calmly, setting one slipper in front of the other, I tread the wiggly carpet of air back to solid ground. A drop of sweat ran down my brow as I released the technique. “The more comfortable you get with applying Big Dick energy to your movements, the more the world treats you as a Chad. The air recognized the Chadness of my feet and realized that it had to stay beneath them. And this is merely tickling the surface layer of what is possible in the realm of inner Chadness. Do you need oceans to part before you? [Chad Stride] can intimidate the ocean to move aside. Do you need to travel straight up a cliff? [Chad Stride] can make gravity step aside. Have your enemies buried you ten kilometers underground? No problem. [Chad Stride] can get you out. All you need is boldness of heart and belief in yourself, and Big Dick energy will resonate with your stride. Your creativity is the only limit when applying Alpha Cultivation techniques.”

“Woooww…” Maxman stared at me starry-eyed, a goofy grin on his face. “Alright! I have faith in myself.” He drummed his chest. “I can do this. Okay. Let’s go!”

Maxman walked straight off the cliff and screamed (in a manly way) as he plummeted into nothingness.

Thankfully, I’d anticipated his overeagerness and was able to [Chad Stride] down the cliff to catch my bruh before he got permanently pancaked.

A couple hours, after hyping my bruhs up over the basic form of [Unlimited Abworks], I had to save Dese Nuts, when the squirrel tried to shoot his stomach with Sergei’s pistol.

These kinds of little moments of danger repeated themselves as we got into the rhythm of practicing techniques. And honestly, I was glad for it. Overeager students getting into trouble is far better a problem to have than the opposite.

Teaching the two directly was some of the most rewarding time I’d had until now, and not just mentally. By explaining the techniques to others, I learned them all over again. Over several days, I ironed out a few kinks in my own techniques. Immediately, I felt the improvement in how smoothly Big Dick energy resonated with them, further improving my efficiency.

My own gains, of course, were merely tiny incremental gains compared to what my junior bruhs achieved.

Maxman seemed to grow several inches taller simply by adopting a more Chadly posture. His stubble and hair grew thick enough to need a large machete or a sword to shave. His physique, though still far from the Olympian body I had possessed before the Apocalypse, told a story of strength earned through hard work in the language of wiry muscles.

Once, in a brawl for fun, Maxman managed to hold his own against Grog for five minutes.

Dese Nuts on the other hand was making his own breakthroughs as the squirrel took a step onto the Muscles-on-Muscles stage. Using sticks and stones, we made a tiny gym for him on the side of the cliff, where he went into ‘isolation lifting’-mode.

Oh, I did have my time off now and then to spend with Nelly and others. We had some really fun dates down in the jungle, and a few more parties, but for the sake of our survival, I had to dedicate most of my time to getting my junior bruhs up to a level where they could withstand the Dao Storm.

As Laura had anticipated, the ‘heaviness’ of Qi built up steadily over the course of eight days, rising back to the level where Nelly was wrinkling her nose at the ambient Qi.

Others hunkered within the Protective Chad formation, whilst I checked the posture of my junior bruhs.

“Flex a little harder here.” I pointed at Maxman’s lower abs. “Activate all of your abs. That’s great. Just like that. And what do you keep in mind?”

“I am the Muscle of my Abs

“Steel is my Muscle, and Protein is my Blood

“I have completed over a Million Reps…

I clapped his shoulder as he chanted the [Unlimited Ab Works]. “Just like that. Your abs are unlimited. When one fails. Another flexes in its place.”

The looming wall that was the Realm of Dao bent inward. Fractals across its surface began moving, expanding in ripples of bright chaos.

“Here it comes. Believe in your gains, my bruhs. To Chads, this is nothing but a summer breeze.”

As we stood shoulder-to-shoulder, ready to take on the reality sundering wave of pure chaotic Daos, I felt a great disturbance at the edge of the cliff, approaching us with an eerie determination of someone who’s looking for the manager.

I could only see a few details from the silhouette set against the brightly shining Realm of Dao, but it was enough to recognize I was dealing with one of the arch enemies of the Gigachad sect. The person had dyed blonde hair in an inverted bob-cut, leopard-print sunglasses, and a slightly overweight body stuffed into patterned leggings, an outdated crop-top, and a knit.

Her shrill voice raked through my chest with the power of ten thousand nails on the chalkboard. “Excuse me! Excuse me, young man! Yes, you there. I need to talk at you right this instant.”

“Step back, bruhs and take cover within the protective formation. Shut all the windows, close all your phones, and tell everyone to make it look as if the Asylum is closed.” I took a step forward, sending all my Big Dick energy into a [Sure You Wanna Do That, Bruh?] to block the verbal attack.

“We’re under attack of a Karen cultivator.”