Reality took the backseat and let bizarre grab the wheel. The world around Happyland, not that it was actually part of any world, appeared as an ever-shifting chaos. Up, down, behind, and beneath, and in a dozen new directions that shouldn’t be possible, a wobbly impressionistic echo of Xianxia land’s mountainous jungles spread out into infinity with no regard for gravity. It was kind of like staring into a world of broken infinity mirrors, with each reflection of nature appearing ever more distorted, until the distortions compounded into truly alien vistas at the ends of the branching hallways.
Sounds of wind and jungle were ever so slightly off. The scents had strange accents, and the mossy ground beneath my slippers squirmed, as if each stalk of the moss was a living worm.
And all of it was composed of pure Dao energies.
After growing used to sensing strands of Dao in a world nearly devoid of it, plunging headfirst into a place made entirely out of the purest strongest Daos I’d ever seen was painfully blinding.
Squinting, I tried to get a bearing of my surroundings. I placed my foot into an empty chasm before realizing to apply Big Dick energy to walk on air. Happyland teetered towards falling. I pivoted and pushed, managing to regain secure footing.
A couple bricks fell off of the fence. As they bounced down into the abyss of oddness, one sprouted feathers and the other grew flowers. After a few seconds of free-fall, the first was a brick-sized bird and the other settled to become a flowering plant on the cliffs of an upside down mountain.
Not a speck of brick remained in either of them. Both had been assimilated into the Realm of Dao.
Idly, I wondered if I could ward inanimate objects from the transformative influences by teaching them Alpha Cultivation.
“Titan, catch!”
I caught a small object Karen threw. A pair of huge star-shaped sunglasses with a pink-green leopard pattern.
“The Karen Glasses will help you ignore all the haters and wrong opinions. Think of the world around you as irritating service workers or uncooperative sales clerks and you can filter out anything you want.”
“Chads can’t have haters, though these might still be useful.” I tossed the glasses up into a hole of weirdness.
“My Karen Glasses!” Karen shrieked.
The glasses began warping as soon as they left Happyland’s protective field. The lenses turned to burnt golden of mountain flowers. Leopard pattern shifted to resemble the warped jungle. Before they became a fixture of the scenery, I used a small portion of Big Dick energy to intimidate the glasses to fall backwards and placed them on my nose.
As expected, they had become perfect Dao jungle-adapted sunglasses.
“Nice. Thank you Karen.”
She shouted something about mistreating her sunglasses, before waddling off the edge of the wall.
Armed with being able to see where I was going, I resumed [This Is A Road Now] with newfound vigor, pushing Happyland ever closer to Earth.
***
It was hard to tell if we were getting any closer to Earth.
Realm of Dao kept changing around us. Meandering jungle path gave way to an ever widening road, which branched into infinite roads leading to infinite directions marked by nonsensical road signs.
It was also difficult to tell how long we’d been here.
For one, the clocks, both electronic and mechanical, had stopped working. As had biological clocks. Nobody grew hungry, unless they thought of food, which made tracking time by hunger and thirst impossible. Flow of days was screwed too.
One moment I was chatting with Nelly who sat atop the wall, and a blink later she was back there with Laura, telling me all about how the boys were ‘Dao fishing’, and enchanting items with random Dao properties by dipping them into nearby fractal abysses. Even my Big Brain calculator had lost count of the steps I’d taken sometime after my slippers eroded into nothingness.
But time did advance. My beard and hair had grown five inches.
Nelly’s smile grew lopsided. “You really aren’t tired yet? Nobody really minds if we pause for a bit. There’s still tons of food and water left.”
“I feel good. My muscles are warm. My brow is sweaty. This is one of the best cardio sessions I’ve ever had.”
Nelly’s laugh had an edge of worry.
Our chat meandered to wondering how Kevin and his wife (we presumed they had finished the marriage) were doing. We missed them both dearly, even Silent Feather, despite the atrocities she'd once committed.
Though the Realm of Dao had no days, she left me with a kiss of goodnight.
The nightless night passed.
As did another.
And another.
When my beard reached ten inches, we realized something was most definitely off.
“We are not moving towards Earth,” said Armstrong.
He, Mr. Maxson, Karen, Nelly, and half of Happyland had gathered around the back wall, near the spot where I was pushing the great sled of roots.
“Uh, if I may,” Riko raised her hand and fiddled with her camera. “It would be more accurate to say that we’re going in circles. Big circles. But still circles. The same patterns keep repeating around us.”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, hun, but are you also suggesting Titan is pushing us in the wrong direction?” asked Karen.
“No! No, not at all. It’s merely an observation, I… Uh, it’s not as if I know how this place works, so I wouldn’t suggest that.”
“It’s alright, hun, calm down! Breathe. That’s it. That’s the gist of it, isn’t it. Does anyone know for certain what we’re doing? I’m starting to believe we jumped into our deaths with nothing but enthusiasm and blind faith, only to find out that nobody knows what they are doing.”
“Karen, it’s fine, we just need to trust Titan.”
Karen swatted Laura’s hand off of her. “Don’t you dare touch me, young lady. Is it though? IS TRUST ENOUGH? It’s clear that the plan has failed. You may not have the benefit of seeing Dao energies, but I can, and he has little more than half left. We tried, it’s fine. I don’t mind that we did. But we need to turn back now, if we want to have any chance of living through this.”
“Karen, that’s enough,” said Armstrong.
“Don’t you dare tell me when—”
“Karen. That’s enough.”
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She glared at the withered old Chad, then turned away in a huff. “Fine. I’ve said my piece. I think we should turn back. Feel free to discuss the alternative of being perpetually lost, I’m sure that’ll be fruitful.”
Armstrong started lecturing Karen, who fought back with words one step away from being offensive Karen techniques. Meanwhile, Dr. Edelfelt and Mr. Maxson tried to cross-examine Riko about her observations.
I felt something I had not felt in a long time, a headache.
Years worth of exhaustion seemed to seep into my muscles all at once. My Chad technique sputtered, and I decided, with the next step, to take a break. Happyland stopped moving.
“Hey.” My weary sigh quieted the conversation. “I promise we will make it back. I know it. We knew this journey would test us in many ways and when we embarked, we welcomed that. So let’s not forget our resolve. Let’s not betray our past selves. We’ve minds among us who’ve figured out a cure to the caricaturization and began a journey to scientify cultivation. We will learn to navigate the Realm of Dao, of that I have no doubts.”
I climbed over to the courtyard. “Riko. Please share what you have seen.”
With highlights in her captured images, she told us of patterns in the fractal scenery. Of repeating themes. For a time, we’d be pushing through endlessly forking roads, then sliding past distorted reflections of houses and homes, then through a dreamlike landscape of blue-and-green hills, unfamiliar clouds, and a sky without a sun.
With how volatile the Big Dick energy in my Chad Core was, I couldn’t safely use Big Brain or any Chad thinking techniques. Not without depleting the fuel we’d need for the rest of the journey.
As we began making notes and collecting them all on a pin-board, our think-tank migrated from the courtyard to the asylum’s dinner hall.
My beard grew an eighth of an inch.
“‘No regrets’, but now that my Chad Core is broken, I do admit I wish I’d asked First about the Realm of Dao during my days as the head of the Gigachad sect.”
I patted Armstrong’s shoulder. “Everyone’s done things they could’ve done differently and done better. They don’t become regrets until you feel mopey about them. Was there a single day in your tenure as the head of the sect you didn’t live true to your heart?”
“I suppose not, son. Heh. Look at this old wreck, getting bested by the new generation over and over again.” The grin rising on his lips was genuine. “It’s not a bad feeling.”
“I hope I’ll get there one day.”
“AAAAAAHH! I got it! I got it!” Unable to bounce around, Nelly contended to shaking her hands in exuberance. “Nelly idea number 74: We set up fake road-signs that point towards the address we want to arrive in and trick the Realm of Dao to take us where we wanna go.” She clapped her hands for good measure and then slammed the table with both palms. “Aight! Get the cardboard and markers!”
Batman woofed and ran off to fetch.
“That…” Dr. Edelfelt raised an unsure hand to her lips, lowered it, and raised it again as something began to glow behind her eyes. “Where we want to go.”
“We already ruled that out, did we not?” Timothy, the former psychopath adjusted his round glasses. “Mr. Chadman pushed us onwards with a firm wish to arrive back on Earth in Townberg. If intent played a part behind navigating in the Realm of Dao, we would be home ten times over.”
“Where we want to go.”
“While our thoughts have been far from unified, I would wager most of us have been dreaming of returning to Townberg, no?” Timothy asked.
“But have we been showing our intent to the Realm of Dao? Consider how Dao Storms transform parts of reality to reflect the obvious core memes those parts represent. The Realm of Dao seems to want to organize and simplify things. To it our chaotic Asylum-ship-amalgamate must be a nightmare to figure out. Its made of so many parts and represents such a chaotic collage of memes that it doesn’t know where to put us.”
“Ooo! So we’re having a party!” Nelly cheered. “A welcome to Earth party. An Earthcoming party!”
“Well… uhm, theoretically that is… an idea.”
“A full ten out of ten idea. Okidoki, we need more cardboard than that Batman. Also, lots of greens and blues. Also sausages. Sausages are a staple Earth food.”
“I think pizza or hamburger might be safer?” Laura suggested.
“Or maybe rice?” Riko added.
“Are we truly going to try an Earthcoming party?” Timothy asked me, as half of our committee began to enthusiastically prepare for a party.
“Absolutely.”
“Ahem, do we have intentions of halting the ‘how to return home’ planning for the duration of the party?” Dr. Edelfelt asked.
I chuckled. “No. Let’s continue. Though let’s wait until their enthusiasm calms a little. I do want Riko’s help to test an idea.”
***
A millimeter of beard growth later, at the edge of Happyland and Realm of Dao.
“No! I won’t allow it. You can’t do it. And that’s final!”
“I’m not asking your permission, Karen. I’m the only Alpha Cultivator here with an intact Chad Core and enough Big Dick energy to attempt navigating. There are risks involved, but trust me when I say this, nothing in this world or any other will stop me from returning to Happyland.”
“Geez, you even admit there is a risk. And while you may be the only Alpha Cultivator with power to survive the Realm of Dao, you aren’t the only Dao cultivator. I will do it.”
I must’ve paused for a moment too long, because she put hands on her hips and glared at me funny.
“What? Is it that unexpected? Goodness sake, young man. Did you believe I was all yap and no act? I may be a Karen, but I’m still a woman of dignity. I won’t let the hope of these fine folk sacrifice himself to test out of the world ideas. Not while I’m still here. Give me the camera.”
I handed her Riko’s make-shift go-pro. “You remember the plan?”
“Thank youuu, I do remember ‘the plan’.” Karen cursed as her hair got stuck on the funky helmet. She lit her pipe and took a long smoke break.
Then gave us a curt goodbye and walked into the Realm of Dao.
A woman who looked to have aged ten years returned five millimeters of beard later.
Karen refused to elaborate on what she’d seen beyond ‘my childhood’. However, she did give us the go-pro footage. And it gave us the final clue we needed.
“The answer is memes,” I announced at the next breakfast. “Realm of Dao connects multiple worlds of ideas. Thinking of home or ‘Earth’ won’t be enough. We need to think of getting back to the memes at home.”
“Gotcha!” Nelly’s face scrunched up as she started thinking about memes with each of her brain cells.
“You don’t need to do it yet, love. But maybe you could make it the theme of the Earthcoming party.”
“YES! Meme masquerade! Hey, Lauraaaaa! We’ve got to redo the decorations.” Nelly waddled off to pester her friend.
Thankfully, she didn’t need to do too many changes to her party plans.
Barely half a millimeter of beard later, Earth-themed disco balls sparkled all over Happyland, and a menagerie of memes haunted the premises. Sausages were also served, with rice.
I enjoyed one quick dance with my lover, before retreating to my good old spot behind the Happyland sled, and got to work.
Big Dick energy answered my call, empowering my movement technique. This time, rather than focus on making a road of the world before me, I focused on thoughts of home. I took the calculated risk of using Bick Dick energy empowered Big Brain mode to briefly manifest [Galaxy Brain], which I utilized to scroll through the memes saved on my D*scord at near lightspeed. A relentless barrage of dopamine hits and confused half-jokes bombarded my brain, but I remained strong.
And the scenery began to change.
We passed through the strange flowing hills of green and blue. I immediately recognized them as abstracted representations of Earth-like worlds and spotted our home among them. It was obvious really. How many civilizations could portray their world as a lewd Earth-chan?
Details of where in her I pushed Happyland need not be said.
Next, I came upon the endlessly forking roads. Each branch led to a city, a town, a place. Not all of them were on our Earth, but I spotted Townberg from among them with routine ease. It was the home of the awkward bastardization of the simp meme that described the Chinaland invaders, the kowtowing silhouette called ‘cimp’.
Realm of Dao unblurred. The cacophony of streets and buildings that slid around us started solidifying into a familiar skyline. I glimpsed flashes of our home neighborhood.
Sounds of revelry from Nelly’s Earthcoming intensified. Someone set off fireworks, followed by others launching out flashy Qi techniques. Grog was yodeling. I could feel the joy of my friends reverberate through Dao itself.
I poured excess Big Dick energy to push us on faster and anchored my thoughts on the most intimate memes of Happyland. On the tired old jokes about happy blue pills having cyanide in them, the suicides of the ‘safety room’, the famous murder Monday when kitchen staff accidentally gave us butterknives, and all the other fun little incidents we had when most of us were classified as danger to ourselves and the society.
Those memories and the people within were home, not this hunk of concrete I pushed. People of Townberg and Happyland were where I belonged.
And I was glad to see the Realm of Dao agree.
Fractal insanity popped around us like a balloon. With one last shove, I stepped into a cold muddy pond and pushed Happyland onto solid reality.
First evening stars dotted the dark blue spring sky. Rich scents of life dangled in the air. A cool wind tousled my long beard and hair.
“WE’RE HOMEEEE BABYYY!” Nelly shouted over the wall.
Cheers echoed her.
I was about to hop over the wall and join her, when my eyes landed on the skyline of Townberg, and saw ruin and devastation.