The table was filled with empty glasses and a few vodka bottles, though Sasha and Aygylaana showed little sign of being inebriated whatsoever.

“Do you think Evelyn would be pissed off if we did not acquire anything for her?”

“Unless we bring back a man or a dildo, she’s gonna have words,” Sasha said, “Between you and me, the only reason I think she has sex with weird guys like that is to get back at her mother.”

“Tell more.”

“Well, you see, she never has a one-night-stand at the garage, my place, the apartment, or obviously her place, so that one key thing says it all. She wants to antagonize her mom, not so much that it severs any familial ties for either of them, but also not so little that she goes from being a slut to a 22-year-old girl who’d kiss the pope’s feet if he said they were the feet of God. She walks a fine line that’s gonna kill her one day, and I hope for her sake she can get off of it before that happens.”

A few tables over, a vampire had been sitting and listening in on their conversation. As she adjusted her sunglasses and hat, thankful that her gray skin didn’t stand out as much as it would in some worlds, she texted Evelyn.

Nyx: I don’t like Sasha’s new gf

Evelyn: Where r u

Nyx: Im 2 tables away from them n Little Mongolia

Evelyn: Meet @ ur place?

Nyx: Headed out now Key is under mat

Meanwhile, at Cuba Libre in Brooksburrow, Evelyn and Yarelli were finishing up a late lunch.

“Don’t ever go to a bar owned by the Cubans for alcohol,” the homeland agent said, “They have no business mixing it.”

“Duly noted,” Evelyn said, glancing at her phone a few times, “Still wish the shooting range coulda played out.”

“Yeah, sorry that fell through.”

“No problem,” Evelyn said, “Maybe we should get back to the garage. I don’t wanna be a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington, but I have somewhere to get to.”

“Alright,” Yarelli said, leaving a tip as they headed out, “But we’re still going to shoot next week?”

“Hell, yeah,” Evelyn said, “I’ve been aching to show off my CZ 75.”

Back in Little Mongolia, Nyx paid her tab and hurried out to her car. Obviously, she knew she would beat Sasha back to Alpines’ City without doing anything crazy, but she went a little heavy on the gas pedal in her sedan when she got onto the interstate.

“Come on, you stupid thing!”

For a Japanese luxury sedan from 2014, almost every mechanic in Eastern Delmarva was aware of her Acura TSX, but she wasn’t about to go to Sasha and let him destroy it or complain about “Shit from Honda”.

Whichever he’d do.

Still, her main goal was to hold steady at 70 on the interstate and hurry back to her house in Alpines’ City, hoping that Evelyn made it there without any problem. Driving south, she didn’t need her sunglasses anymore and her hat was bugging her, so they went into a box in the passenger footwell before turning on the air conditioner to its highest setting, enjoying the relief from the scorching radiation from the Sun.

“Nyx has a nice house,” Evelyn said as Melanie came out of the kitchen, holding a straw jabbed into a somewhat-empty bag of red liquid, “Is that what I think it is?”

“It’s some new flavor of cranberry juice,” Melanie said as Evelyn eyed the label on the bag.

“So, AB- is a new flavor of cranberry juice now?” Evelyn said, still trying to process the fact that Melanie was somehow not getting sick from drinking a pint of blood.

“Tastes kinda coppery.”

The tiger considered telling the Cygnian what she was actually drinking, but was interrupted by the door slamming open and a low growl.

“How much?” Nyx asked before seeing the mess on Melanie’s face and turning to Evelyn.

“She thought it was cranberry juice!”

Nyx closed and locked the door, “Are you fucking serious right now? How are you that fucking stupid‽”

“This isn’t juice?”

“It’s a pint of blood.”

Melanie looked at the bag before throwing it down in disgust.

“Ew!!”

“It’s alright,” Nyx said, getting the bag and drinking the remainder of its contents, “Why don’t you just raid my liquor cabinet like a normal person?”

“You drink?”

“Ever since Bemolewsid decided to go off the deep end.”

“Who’s that?” Melanie asked.

“Remember that red demon with the six horns and claws?” Evelyn answered.

“Uh-huh?”

“That guy.”

“I kicked him out, he stole my car, so I bought a new one. To this day, he’s got a harem of mortals in the underworld that all wanna be carved up by him.”

Evelyn and Melanie both reacted with disgust.

“Don’t find a man. He’ll turn into a striptease that plays in Godmode. Anyway,” Nyx said, going to the kitchen, “Can I get you anything to drink?”

“You have any of that forest-flavored soda?”

“All the time,” Nyx said, tossing a bottle to Evelyn, “Catch!”

“Could I have some too?” Melanie asked.

“Sure,” Nyx said, bringing out another bottle for the alien idiot, “Eve, you’ve kept me in the loop about those two since your trip to the mall yesterday. I don’t know what you didn’t see, but I was keeping an eye on an Egnadian that I didn’t think was particularly suited to convincing Death to end her life early and cram her in a rock of sulfur. She got the incubus I sent over to help her leave and hide.”

“Was it Aygylaana?” Evelyn said, showing a picture of the alien to the vampire, “Does space drugs, almost kills anyone she gets involved with, very oddly tortured before?”

“Noriyistel, she’s here‽”

“She had sex with Sasha the night before I met her!”

“How far has he gone with her?”

“He’s trying to get papers made so it looks like she’s from somewhere that’s vaguely Mongolian.”

“I will kill her.”

“Wait!” Evelyn said, “Sasha has me and a Homeland agent doing this, so he’ll get suspicious if something doesn’t go through and he’ll kill us if he finds out that we did all of this on your whim.”

“I’m listening.”

“Do you know of anyone in the underworld that could tell us for sure?”

“There is one guy,” Nyx said, “But I drank some of his blood about twenty thousand years ago.”

“Anything, just do it!”

“Alright,” Nyx said, opening a portal to the underworld.

“That looks weird, could I just stay here?” Melanie said.

“You probably should,” Evelyn said, following Nyx into the portal.

“Welcome to the Underworld,” Nyx said, walking through a puddle of liquid fire as her vertical pupils dilated .

“How are you not hot!?” Evelyn asked as her clothes became quickly drenched with sweat, “You can’t even stand the Sun!”

“This is the Underworld, not high school football practice.”

“Whatever… you say…” Evelyn panted as they walked to a secluded pool of what looked like fire or magma with a gorgon relaxing in it, “He’s sexy.”

“Krazenstou!” Nyx said as Evelyn covered her face and vomited on the ground, “I need a favor.”

“Is that gonna burn out soon?” Evelyn asked as her vomit spontaneously combusted.

“Probably not.”

“Airnys’ Breath!” the gorgon said in an almost Californian accent, glaring at Nyx as the snakes on his head woke did the same, “What do you want?”

“Firstly, I wanna call a truce. This is about that Egnadian girl I’m watching. She’s made her way to Earth and I think she’s going to kill again.”

“What’s with the mortal?”

“She’s the sister of the person the Egnadian girl is gonna kill and she’s desperate enough to come here for help.”

Krazenstou looked to Evelyn and thought for a moment before putting on a pair of extremely dark sunglasses, “I’ll help her, but I’m still pissed at you.”

“It’s been millennia and that snake turned out okay.”

As Krazenstou walked up to Evelyn, he could see her trembling slightly.

“You can look at me without turning into a rock,” he said, mildly confused and annoyed at the commonality of her reaction.

Evelyn slowly looked up and blushed as she stood face-to-face with a man, completely naked and dripping with lava, with snakes for hair that were looking at her with a vengeance.

“Holy crap on a cracker,” she said, “So these are the boys in hell.”

“So you’re having to deal with the Egnadian too?”

“Uh-huh,” she said, speechless.

“Here’s the deal,” Krazenstou said as Evelyn drifted off to his body.

Krazenstou had well-defined muscles, but not at the scale of a bodybuilder. He looked athletic and potentially intimidating, should someone cross him wrong. Moving down, Evelyn saw nothing to disappoint her.

Eventually, she shook the thoughts from her head and saw him looking at her with crossed arms.

“Well?”

“Hoo,” she said in a high, flat tone.

“Evelyn Rhianna Colbert!” Krazenstou said as Nyx slapped her own face.

“Wha? Sorry, I blanked,” she said, trying to fix up a little.

“If you want me to do something for you, you’re gonna have to do something for me.”

“You wouldn’t happen to be single, would you?”

“Yes?”

“Could I take you on a date tonight?”

“Sure,” he said, shaking her hand.

“Ah-aahh,” she moaned.

“I’m gonna open a portal back to my house. You go back and I’ll sort this out.”

“You really wanna get involved with her?” Nyx asked the gorgon.

“She’s sexy,” he said, taking off the glasses and revealing yellow eyes.

“You know she’s a putz, right?”

“That’s my type, Nyx. Is your brain just another fang?”

“Okay, I probably deserved that, but you saw how she reacted to you. How do you think she’ll listen to you?”

“You want to make things okay between us? Make sure tonight goes well and I’ll forget everything.”

“When it goes to the Skyworld, don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Nyx said, going back to her house.

“Oh my God!” Evelyn said to Nyx, “He was a solid twenty!”

“He’s also a demon with high standards,” she rolled her eyes, “I know.”

“You try dating him?”

“We were close as kids, but started to go our separate ways on his ten thousandth birthday. Weren’t we talking about the Egnadian lying about her name?”

“We’ll make it a double date that you can stalk us on,” Evelyn said, “Problem solved!”

“Okay, fine,” Nyx said, “Melanie and I will be in the same restaurant in Hong Kong Town. Lure Aygylaana and Sasha to Szechuan Wok at 8:00 tonight and I’ll do my work. Right now, though, we’re getting you ready for a date.”

You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

“I don’t need you to help me.”

“Blue jeans and a sweater isn’t what you wear on a date to a four-star Chinese restaurant.”

“Fine,” Evelyn said, “Wanna go in your car?”

“Sure,” Nyx said as they headed out to her car, “Melanie, call Sasha and let him know about tonight.”

“Okay!” she said, calling Sasha as soon as Nyx drove off.

“What is it, Melanie?” Sasha asked walking into a slight breeze.

“Eve was wondering if you wanted to go on a double-date in Hong Kong Town tonight at eight.”

“What restaurant?”

“The Wok one!”

“Szechuan Wok?”

“Yeah! That one!”

“Pretty big move for a one-night-stand,” Sasha said, “What happened?”

“Eve has a boyfriend!”

“I should be more surprised than I am right now,” Sasha explained, getting in his car, “What did you and her do?”

“What do you mean?”

“You called me just to invite the sexy space lizard and Soviet on a double-date with Eve and her boyfriend? I’m not buying it. What the fuck happened?”

“Uh, I’m not here right now! Um, please leave a message after the beep!” Melanie said before making a beeping sound.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Sasha said.

“Uh, beep!” Melanie said, ending the call.

In Little Mongolia, Sasha was taking a drink of his vodka before starting the engine.

“Did the Cygnian sustain brain damage as an infant?” Aygylaana said.

“The problem with your question is that it implies she has a brain to begin with.”

“Does she?”

“I don’t think so, but that’s just me,” Sasha said, torturing the engine as he sped onto the interstates.

“What was Nyx doing in there like that?”

“Spying and blowing shit out of context,” Sasha said, “The vamp bitch always does that.”

“I am assuming we go hunt her down?”

“We could just wait for her to spy on us at the restaurant tonight,” Sasha explained, “I know her style and I have some dirt on her that I’m too smart to even think about letting off right now.”

“That will work.”

Back in Alpines’ City, Evelyn was changing clothes behind a partition at the warehouse. Nyx was sitting on the couch downstairs, feet propped up on the table, skimming through a magazine.

“How long does it take to put on a dress?” Nyx asked, looking to the partition in the corner of the room.

“Could you give me a break?” she said, “It’s been a while since I’ve worn this thing.”

“When did you wear it last?”

“To a Christmas party in 2019. Mom’s family in Alabama invited us down for the holidays and I had no way of getting out of it. Sasha claimed he had to stay back and take care of something at his apartment, but I’m still not buying it over a year later.”

The vampire rolled her eyes and looked to the partition, “He’s a dick, bottom line.”

“Whatever, it happened and I hated it,” Evelyn said, coming out from behind the thing, now dressed in a black cocktail dress, “I can guarantee Sasha would pull a gun and shoot me, just to get out of helping me with this date, or just bullshit his way through. What do you think?”

“A little bit of makeup and you’re good to go. The only thing I’m worried about is your hair; Kraz doesn’t like frizzy.”

“Then we should buy up all of the hairspray Walmart has,” Evelyn said, earning a look from Nyx, “Not trying to pull a Sasha on you! Just saying that it’s just unmanageable.”

“Maybe he’ll like it,” Nyx said, looking away, “Hopefully. Do you have any heels?”

“God no.”

“Come on, I’ll take you to get some,” Nyx said, getting up and heading outside with Evelyn, “My treat.”

“Thanks! Just so relaxing without Sasha around.”

“When did he say he was getting back anyway?”

“Tonight.”

“Delco is only an hour away, forty minutes with him behind the wheel.”

“He’s probably gonna stay at Café Mongolia until they throw them both out at closing time.”

“I would say I hope she kills him and dies while doing it, but I’d just have to deal with them even more.”

“Damn, that sucks.”

“Before they die and go to the underworld, how in the fuck do you deal with them‽”

“I avoid him and have sex three times a week at least.”

“No chemicals or weapons?”

“I wouldn’t go that far except for maybe earlier today when he said I wanted to stay in diapers.”

Nyx looked over her shoulder at Evelyn in mild disgust, “He seriously said that?”

“Other than that incident at his house, I can’t even tell when he crosses lines anymore.”

“Kick his ass!” Nyx said, “Whenever he does something stupid or wrong, give him a shiner he’ll remember!”

“I tried that. Repeatedly.”

“Thought he was smart.”

“Sasha is a gigantic ass,” Evelyn said, “It’s because of him that I swallowed two tequila worms in one week!”

“What did that motherfucker do to make you drink that much?”

“Oh shit,” Evelyn said, remembering the recent event.

Tuesday, October 22, 2020, 9:45a EDT, The Warehouse

“Test subject status for stimulation experiment 112, precursory evaluation,” Sasha said into a voice recorder.

“What in the fuck are you doing, jackass‽” Evelyn said, strapped to a chair with more electrodes on her body than fur on her body.

“Current status is still a bitchy cunt. Experiment 112 will stimulate neurological activity to encourage sexual arousal and/or mimic the nervous response to getting hit with a lead pipe. Possible miscalculations could include tasting of cobalt, total onset of epilepsy, quadriplegia, and death.”

“I never fucking signed up for this shit!” Evelyn screamed, “Let me fucking go!”

“Subject claims she never agreed to tests, but I just don’t give a shit at all and had a spare van battery. First discharge will be at 2500 milliamperes for 75 seconds,” he connected the circuits and looked at Evelyn as she began to twitch and behave erratically, “Now we’re talking.”

Moments later, the phone rang, so Sasha put the controller down and answered it.

“Hey, dude!” Jen said, “I don’t know if you’re busy right now, but could you come over? I think Frosty’s having some problems with something, and I can’t get him to open up to me.”

Sasha looked over to Evelyn for a moment, “Sure, I can do that. Wanna get lunch after?”

“Is Eve coming with you?”

“Nah, she had something to do with her mom today.”

“You sick bastard!”

“Wait, is she there now?”

“That’s the TV. Meet you in twenty?”

“Uh, sure.”

“See you soon,” Sasha said, ending the call and linking his phone to the controller.

“Let me go!”

“If I get bored, I’ll turn up the current. If you’re dead when I get back, I’ll be having steaks tonight. Don’t worry, I’ll cook you rare,” he said, getting in his car and leaving Evelyn to be electrocuted, “Piss me off and see what happens.”

Evelyn tried to keep to her own thoughts as much as she could as she began to lose control over some of her bodily functions.

Present Day

“Are you fucking serious right now?” Nyx said, “That’s not funny!”

“It went on for nine hours. I still get headaches and I can’t taste salt anymore!”

“He could go to whatever hell you believe in and get kicked out.”

“The most sane thing I’ve seen him do is crash my cousin’s wedding,” Evelyn said, “Granted, the marriage didn’t last very long anyway, but why can’t he just be happy for them!”

“I don’t wanna sound like I don’t care, but you really don’t need to fixate on him. That’ll just end up worse for you,” Nyx said, parking the car at a stripmall.

“You’re probably right,” Evelyn said, seeing the shoe store, “As long as it wasn’t like the hat disaster at PopTop, I’m all for seeing this place.”

“Unless Sasha just started owning Shoe Show, it couldn’t possibly get that bad.”

“You’re probably right,” Evelyn said.

Meanwhile, Sasha was speeding down the highways, his hoof welded to the floor of the car as they got onto a bridge heading to East Delmarva.

“Speed limit’s 35, I’m doing 97, this thing’s begging for mercy, we’re making good time!” he said, looking to Aygylaana as he swerved around the other cars on the road, “These motherfuckers need to learn how to drive.”

“So, I have been thinking,” Aygylaana said, “Societal normalcies are nothing past the figmentations of the minds within said society.”

“That’s true,” Sasha said, “The minds within a society are inherently limited by their own rules, at least the ones that are adhered to. Go on.”

“If you are a mind of your society, then how are you not asking me for reptilian skin care products or trying to pull me out of the tub when I want to fill it with water and sleep in it?”

“Because I don’t see society as a legitimate set of limitations. I only see it as something that makes bullshit for everyone to have to agree to under the guise of progress. The original communists believed that such a world could be brought about by abolition of private property and the state via revolution whether violent or otherwise. America believes in inclusivity, individual freedoms and liberties, and innovation via a free market, and the Soviets believe in progress through order. It’s maddeningly stupid and restrictive, and the only people who’ve been benefiting from it have been those so-called ‘Social Justice Warriors’ that started and enforce cancel culture.”

“Cancel Culture?”

“Basically justification for ruining people’s lives and kicking them out of society when they don’t agree that you’re allowed to be on an impossibly high pedestal.”

“The social justice warriors in your world are incredibly imbecilic. If the desired end result is truly innovation or progress, then the logical decision would be to accept input from everyone, regardless of personal conflict. No two sentient beings will ever think exactly alike, so attempting a forceful assimilation of thought is completely pointless, illogical, and irrelevant at the most tame levels.”

“Honestly, I’d like to see what’s going on in their heads with all of the magical unicorns, lollipops, and rainbows. I’d probably get ‘canceled’ as soon as I start getting to the root cause of their problems. If we got rid of all of those gender studies courses, race theorists, and everything alike them, then we could actually make progress. Unfortunately, if you tell a Chinese dude ‘Ching chong ching chang maka hai hei hei hei ching chong’, they’ll be pissed off until they die! Nobody cares about your damn feelings, nobody cares about your fragile ass, and I sure as hell don’t give the furry crack of a rat’s ass about you as a person,” he drank a bottle of vodka, “What part of that is so damn hard to understand?”

“For a logical being, none of it,” Aygylaana said, “For the correct political jackasses, all of it.”

“Exactly!” Sasha said, “Everyone wants to be ‘Politically Correct’ to avoid being just- MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, YOU SYPHILITIC DOGS! Nobody wants to be ‘canceled’, so they all play into this Neo-Stalinist concept and make shit worse for us all,” he blared the horn and stuck his head out the window, «GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE WAY YOU CAPITALISTIC, HORNY, JACKASS MOTHERFUCKER!!»

“If you wish to go back to my ship, I could make some more Phla’naghsian for us.”

“By the way, what was with you grabbing the Epsom Salts out of my back seat?”

“They are chemically near a substance to a drug on my planet that causes euphoric feelings, alertness, extra energy, and in some cases paranoia and confidence.”

“Sounds like the cocaine I found in my apartment after I moved in.”

“Did you do it?”

“Nope. Rats beat me to it,” Sasha said, “Besides, doing drugs is illegal here.”

“Damn, you live in a pitiful society. If someone wishes to lick a raw Tsekhlorkh, then they should be allowed to lick a raw Tsekhlorkh.”

“What kind of laws did you have on Egna?”

“Fuck if I know. When I left, I was reduced to masking and stealing for resources.”

“Don’t ask how much I can relate to that,” Sasha said, making a U-turn across the median and spinning the tires, “This Japanese shit wasn’t allergic to grass the last time I did this.”

Eventually, Sasha made it back to his house, the car barely surviving the trip, and both occupants about a half-shot away from being drunk.

“What do you wanna do until later?” Sasha asked, walking to the dining room table and sitting down to his laptop, “I’m gonna look for you a car.”

“What is one that you think is good?”

“Personally, I would go with something directly related to the Chrysler K platform because that’s basically all I drive and parts are cheap and easy to find, if you know where to go. My second choice would be Geo by Isuzu, Volkswagen, possibly Chevy, just anything that isn’t a complete and total piece of crap, really.”

“What is considered sporty?”

“Two doors; strong gasoline engine; transmission can be manual, AMT, or DSG; good suspension,” Sasha said, “All just depends what you consider sporty. For me, it’s a black two or three door sedan or liftback with a light, buzzy engine tuned for high power and RPM and a straight-up manual geared into the power band where I can have all kinda fun with it and outrun cops.”

“I saw some that fit the description.”

“Keep in mind, I’ve heard some people say a minivan is sporty, so it’s ultimately subjective and somewhat unquantifiable.”

“Due to my lack of knowledge of this area of your society, would it be sufficient to find what I like best by testing of physical application?”

“Of course.”

Meanwhile, Evelyn and Nyx were back at the vampire’s house. Evelyn was putting on her finishing touches, making sure that she went with Jen’s advice because she really didn’t want this to be another one of Sasha’s jabs at her. Nyx and Melanie were trying to figure out the best way to go about being inconspicuous, though they were still at zero options within the time frame they had to work with.

“Eve!” Nyx said from the couch, “Do you know a rental place that’s open this late?”

“For a car?”

“Yeah!”

“No.”

“Any other ideas?” the vampire said, “I’m sure Sasha knows my plates and I don’t think a Bug would fit in in a Chinatown.”

“I might have an idea,” Evelyn said, walking into the living room.

She was dressed in a black cocktail dress, black heels, and was wearing a pair of small hoop earrings and red lipstick, and had managed to slightly tame her unmanageable orange hair.

“What is it?”

“Remember that Egyptian I went to school with?”

“Little Miss Darling-with-a-knife Kira?” Nyx said, “Yeah.”

“I’m gonna need your car and a few hundred dollars, but Aziza moved back to the trailer park with Emilia. She has a Chrysler 200, Sasha would never suspect it.”

“How sure are you of this?”

“Very,” Evelyn said, calling Aziza.

“Hello, Evelyn,” Aziza said, her Egyptian accent still prominent in her voice as always, finishing an early dinner.

“I need a solid. Sasha and I are going on a double-date with an alien and a demon to a restaurant in Hong Kong Town, and Nyx and Melanie are gonna follow us to spy on them, but we don’t wanna use her Acura and I’m worried Sasha would catch on if the four of us crammed into my car, assuming it doesn’t go crazy and break on the highway. Could Nyx borrow your car?”

“If there is a chance the Soviet Bastard could come to my house then no!”

“I’ll throw in,” Evelyn said, counting the money Nyx gave her, “Five hundred, cash, and Nyx’s car for the evening. The restaurant is Szechuan Wok on Dragonfly Street, so it should be decently crowded enough for the two of them to hide out close enough to hear everything, and there’s parking at the restaurant and a block away. You’ll be fine.”

“Emilia is still in Canada because of the Russian.”

“Forget the oryx, I have government ties, so I can get her cleared to come back to America. I’m not sure how I’m gonna pull it off right now, but I think I can do it if I try.”

“I’ll be at home,” Aziza said, ending the call.

“Keys,” Evelyn said, holding out her hand as she stuffed the cash and phone in her black clutch.

“She actually let you do this?” Nyx said, giving the tiger her car key.

“Not without bringing Emilia back into the country, but as long as she doesn’t run into Sasha, we’re all fine.”

“Be careful,” Nyx said, “It makes a funny noise when you step on the gas.”

“No problem!” Evelyn said, taking the key and heading to the trailer park.