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Alien Novel 1: What the Hell Was That!?
2: You Can’t Do Basic Math

2: You Can’t Do Basic Math

A few hours later, Aygylaana awoke on something not unlike a big sack of water and completely naked. A black, shiny box read 8:43 in blue numbers on a small table to the left of the thing she was on, and a note resided on the small table to her right. There wasn’t another person in the room, but she did smell something pleasantly exotic when she sat up and smelled of the air. While she remembered some things that transpired, she wasn’t able to recall if they were real or artificially induced.

“Did I not leave my planet?” she asked herself in Egnadian before looking at the note.

Aygylaana, I’m taking you out today. Last night was amazing, and I want to do it again tonight with some of our fantasies. Hope I can “draw some blood”!

Listening closely, she could hear people talking to each other, but the sound was too muffled for her to make anything out.

Downstairs, meanwhile, Sasha was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and coding on a blue laptop while a tiger with messy, orange hair and green eyes was cooking breakfast with a perturbed look on her face.

“You have to do something with the satellites at my house,” she said, taking up a skillet of bacon.

“How was coitus last night?” Sasha asked, dismissive of any thought Evelyn had as she shot up and glared at him, “Did you get a disease?”

“Use that brain of yours to remember I just took bacon out of this skillet, so it hasn’t even cooled down yet. Unless you want it to be your new tattoo, shut up!”

«Someone’s wound awfully tight after a night of sexual intercourse with a strange man she found online,» Sasha said in Russian, «Such a waste of brain cells.»

“We get it, you’re a commie!” Evelyn said, “Stop with the Russian!”

“You know I’m going back to the motherland in the summer, right?”

“Please tell me you’re going back to stay!” Evelyn begged.

“Nope, just for the summer, Eve.”

“Damn!”

“If you wanna change clothes, you can use the shower in the basement and I still have some of your clothes in my ottoman,” Sasha said as footsteps descended from the stairs, “Oh look, she’s up.”

“Who’s ‘she’?”

“A girl fell out of the sky that was willing to have sex with me on a free-flow waterbed,” Sasha said, “She’s not a psycho or mentally unstable, she has a sexy body, and you owe me $50.”

Aygylaana came into the kitchen, her normally-pale-peach face accented with a blue blush and disheveled hair, holding onto whatever wall she could grab onto before letting herself fall into one of the chairs around the table.

“Am… am I having a stroke?” Evelyn asked as Aygylaana looked at her.

“Henlo,” she said, giving a small wave before turning to Sasha, “My loins are burning from last night.”

Sasha looked at Aygylaana as she tried to fix her hair before looking to Evelyn, “If you try to copulate with my sexy space lizard, I’ll do everything to you that she said they did to her.”

“How about I take up the eggs and get a shower?” she asked, going and dumping a skillet of scrambled eggs on a plate before leaving the room.

“She is your servant?”

“Actually, when she’s here, I’m not allowed to cook. I tend to start kitchen fires.”

“You cannot be good at everything,” Aygylaana said, shrugging.

“Absolutely right,” Sasha said, “Can I interest you in an Earth-style breakfast?”

“Oh? Yes, please,” the alien said as Sasha went to serve their plates, “What are we having?”

“Fried bacon and scrambled eggs,” Sasha said, “What do you want to drink?”

“The fizzy cup drink from the diner was good,” Aygylaana said as Sasha poured a few glasses of Dr Pepper.

“That’s called ‘Dr Pepper’,” Sasha said, bringing out the drinks as the shower in the basement turned on, “One of my favorite drinks, actually.”

“So that is what it is called,” she said, taking a drink from the glass, “The stuff in the bottle was vile-tasting.”

“Americans can’t make beer,” Sasha said, “At least not good beer. If you want the good stuff, it’s normally easier to go to a different country or get something imported. Personally, my favorites are Taedonggang Beer, Pyongyang Beer, and Ponghak Beer. Unfortunately, to get them, I’d have to go all the way to North Korea since I never tried asking if I could get them imported to America,” he sat down and started eating with Aygylaana, “Then again, I don’t drink beer very often, so meh.”

“What is ‘8:43’?” Aygylaana asked, “I saw it on a black box in your bedroom on a small table on the side of the waterbed that you slept on.

“That’s just the time,” Sasha said, “I do have some servers to bring in from Evelyn’s car.”

“Servers?”

“Yeah,” Sasha said, “Yesterday evening, Eve went to the trailer park to get a few computers they use for the residents’ internet connections because they weren’t running well. There’s not a particularly fast connection in there, but lately it’s been terrible to use over there. While I was at my company, upgrading my stuff, the owner of Swallowtail Trailer Park called and asked if we could take a look at their internet system. We took the job and now all of that stuff that would normally be at the warehouse by now, or even in the back of my company’s van, has been sitting in Eve’s trunk all night long.”

“You will have to show me,” Aygylaana said, “Of course, I have programmed software and worked with Information Technology and data centers before, though I had to steal my methods of access to achieve such a goal.”

“Eh, I had to hide a body to get my business started,” Sasha said, nonchalantly, quickly eating the bacon and eggs while Aygylaana enjoyed them, “I don’t hear the downstairs shower, I’ll be back.”

“Okay!” Aygylaana said as Sasha took a set of clothes from the ottoman and put them on the couch before going downstairs.”

The basement of Sasha’s house was converted into an apartment, complete with kitchenette and bathroom. Evelyn, though, had laid down on the couch and was holding her hands over her face.

“You said you were going to use my shower, yet here you are laying on the couch like you’re hungover from beer and sex,” Sasha said, “What’s wrong with you?”

Evelyn glared at Sasha as he stood there, hands in his jacket while he looked at her expectantly.

“You swear off women… and men… and now here you are bringing them home!” she said, sitting up and shaking her head, “I know the irony of this is somehow lost on you, but did it never occur to you that she might need clothes if she’s gonna be living on Earth now?”

“For all you know, she’s an alien prostitute that I wanted because I got bored and wanted some space pussy,” Sasha said, “You have no frame of reference.”

“You really think I’ll believe you wanted to have sex with an alien and send her out the next morning?” Evelyn said.

Sasha promptly opened a cabinet with a robot stored inside, still running. It had his natural black hair and blue eyes, broad horse body, large bat wings, but was a girl with half-height glasses instead of circular ones, wearing a nearly-identical set of clothing otherwise.

“Please,” she said in a Russian accent, “Let me out! I will do anything! Master, your coding is terrifying me!”

“Shut it, Marya,” Sasha said, slamming the cabinet shut and locking it as the robot pleaded in Russian.

“What was that for?”

“Remember the R63 robots that we conceived when we were drunk, but only built mine?”

“Yeah?” Evelyn said, her brow furrowed in confusion, “What about it?”

“I tried having sex with it once,” Sasha said before rolling his eyes, “Just because I devote my life and energy to this doesn’t mean I don’t have the occasional urge to fool around in bed with some woman.”

“Are you actually dating her?” Evelyn said, taking an interest in Sasha’s life.

“What the fuck does it matter to you?” Sasha asked, “It’s my life.”

“I’m just curious!” Evelyn said, “I didn’t think you had a deal, and now you’ve found someone that you’re letting sleep in your bed, with you and completely naked?”

“She didn’t have any clothes when we came here, she’s been looking for a guy like her for a while now, and we both have the same views on the early universe, although I don’t believe in anything in any real capacity and she believes in dragon gods.”

“No I do not!” Aygylaana screamed from upstairs, “I have seen them!”

“When?”

“Before the tail incident happened!” she said, “I was twelve years of age by your calendar!”

“Tell me about it later!”

“Does it not bother you that she has a peach-colored human head on top of a fish’s body?”

“For all you know, that could be the galactic norm,” Sasha said, “We could be the hack-jobs made up from whatever parts were left over.”

“That’s depressing,” Evelyn said.

“Yeah, well, only smart people can get on top of that horse and ride it until it kicks them off,” Sasha said, taking a long drink from his flask, “I’m letting Aygylaana borrow some of your clothes to get into the mall.”

“Sure,” Evelyn said, knowing her input was meaningless, “I don’t know if they’ll fit because she’s a little bigger than I am, but she can try.”

“Great. When you’re through moping about shit, we’ll be ready to go,” Sasha said, going upstairs.

“Your research is fascinating,” Aygylaana said, squinting at the screen somewhat before looking at Sasha, “Is the Cygnian on your planet truly incompetent?”

“You don’t know the half of it,” Sasha said, walking to the kitchen counter and getting his keys from the mess, “While we’re out today, I’ll get you some glasses. Based on what I’ve just seen, you need reading glasses at +1.50 strength. I put some clothes on the couch for you.”

“Thank you,” Aygylaana said, closing the blue laptop and pushing the near-empty plate and glass to the side as Sasha went over a list.

“The Sundance is fixed,” he said, crossing out one of the lines, “The Reliant needs a fuel injector for a 2200 engine, the Grand Voyager needs a new alternator on the engine and electrical in the back, and I need to run the Storm today at some point.”

Aygylaana went into the living room and put on the black shirt and blue jeans Sasha had for her. The pants were a tight fit and the shirt seemed too short, but they felt better than the stuff Sasha had been able to make for her the night before, if only marginally.

Sasha, meanwhile, went outside to clean out the old car he used to take Aygylaana on a midnight date and opened the garage door and the trunk of Eve’s car, taking an old PowerMac into the garage before going back to his own car.

“Eh, this is mostly junk that Eve and I needed to put elsewhere. I’ll just move it to the attic for now,” he said in Russian, emptying out the back of the car into a box.

Other than a few clothes and some random junk, there wasn’t anything in there that needed to stay, apart from the manuals, registration, insurance, an envelope with $500 cash, should the need ever come up, and a North Korean smartphone. While the two-car garage sat empty, sans the tools he used for maintenance, it certainly hadn’t went unused, if the oil stains were anything to go by.

After boxing up everything that didn’t belong, Sasha closed up the garage and took the box of junk inside, opting instead to set it in a closet in the kitchen, walking back outside when he saw Evelyn and Aygylaana talking, deciding to invite a certain airhead along, so he scrolled through his contacts and dialed the one labeled Melanie.

“Come on, Melanie,” Sasha muttered as the phone rang, “It’s the green button that says answer.”

“Hello?” a ditzy girl said as she licked a wall in her apartment.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Oh hi, Sasha!” she said, pulling her tongue back into her mouth, “What’s up? Did you know that wall tastes funny?”

“Fucking shit, you’re dumb,” Sasha said, holding a hand to his head as he felt his brain cells dying, “What the hell are you thinking?”

“I don’t know.”

“I wanted to know if you wanted to head to the mall to go shopping with us,” Sasha said, “I’m bringing a girl who isn’t the orange-haired slut.”

“That’s wonderful!” Melanie said, “I can’t wait to get there!”

“It’s just the mall in town. Don’t lose your shit.”

“Alright! I’ll see you there!” Melanie said, ending the call and proceeding to licking a counter top.

Meanwhile, Evelyn and Aygylaana were talking to each other over what was left of breakfast.

“My clothes don’t fit you,” Evelyn said, gnawing on a piece of bacon.

“Yes, they do not match my body’s current contours,” Aygylaana said, reading Sasha’s laptop again, “While this is extraordinary in terms of quality, all of your work seems to have the same flaw that prevents it from being correct on a scale greater than your own.”

Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.

“What the hell are you saying?” Evelyn asked.

“Your research assumes a Terran-centric view of the universe, rather than an objective and external one,” she rubbed her eyes, “Eukh. Anyway, to explain my logic, you are simply scaling up the existing principals in how they occur in your reach of the universe and assuming the same values exist everywhere. Mathematically, you can expect results to have minimal flawing near the center areas, but when you apply these numbers to the outer reaches of existence, the flaws will show much more dramatically, causing you to have major problems in your findings. When you are using the same numbers slightly past the orbit of your planet’s moon, you are already off by a factor of three trillion,” she said, looking at Evelyn, “At least.”

“What are you saying?”

“You do not know basic mathematics,” Aygylaana said, getting up and going to her and Sasha’s bedroom.

“What the hell!?” Evelyn said, following her into the bedroom, “All of my math courses were Honor’s courses! I think I know what I’m doing!”

“I would suggest getting a return on any compensation you provided to your instructors,” Aygylaana said, tying her hair up the way she had it when she met Sasha, “Clearly, they did not provide you with sound instr- IL!” she said, before being slapped by Evelyn.

“Shut your damn mouth.”

“He warned me about you,” she muttered in Egnadian.

“If you wanna act like an ass, then do it to Sasha!” Evelyn said as Aygylaana finished wrapping her hair, “He made a robot of himself as a girl, programmed it to be more human than he is, slept with it once, and left it turned on while he shoved it in a cabinet for over a year!”

“I will have to ask him about artificial sentience,” Aygylaana said, going back downstairs.

“I don’t know what you think is going on here,” Evelyn said, “But you’re getting involved with one of the cruelest people I know! He might be the smartest person in the galaxy, but he is beyond cruel to everyone else! I don’t know if he even knows it, but people have died because of him! The fact that he is willing to bring life into the world, in any form, and make it suffer like the robot is, he’s fucking heartless!”

Aygylaana looked at Evelyn for a moment before smiling and patting her on the head, “I think it is cute that you think of that, but in reality, he treats me pleasantly. I feel safe next to him and he does not take advantage of me by any meaning of the word. Quite honestly, I am certain that you are the jealous one because he did not accept your advances,” she said.

Evelyn blushed and rared back to hit her before breathing and trying to approach this logically, “Look, that’s not what happened. If anything-” Evelyn said before being interrupted by a car horn blaring.

“Would you like to go with us?” Aygylaana asked.

Evelyn shook her head slightly, “Yeah, why not? You’ll need a bra and underwear and you don’t want Sasha to help with that.”

“I can understand,” Aygylaana said as she and Evelyn walked outside.

In the driveway, Sasha sat in the car with his hoof on the accelerator slightly to make sure everything was flushed out of the engine that shouldn’t be there, though this meant that Evelyn and Aygylaana would have to walk through a cloud of smoke.

“I’ll get in the back,” Evelyn said, opening the door and folding the seat forward so she could climb in the back, “I don’t know how you feel about legroom and I don’t want to find out if my clothes can stand you climbing back here.”

Aygylaana nodded and pushed the seat back when Evelyn was out of the way before getting in herself.

“Ready?” Sasha asked, backing out into the street before Evelyn had her seatbelt on.

“No!” the tiger said as Sasha floored the accelerator and turned onto the main road, “How do clutches last as long as they do with you!?”

“I don’t get the ones that shred,” Sasha explained, heading into town at seventy miles per hour.

“At least slow down!” Evelyn said, grabbing onto whatever she could, “You’re going twice as fast as anyone else here!”

“It’s fine,” Sasha said, looking to Aygylaana, “Wanna listen to some music?”

“Yes please,” she said.

“What!?” Evelyn said as Sasha held the wheel with his knee so he could dig through his pockets for his phone.

“Just shut up,” Sasha said as she unbuckled the seatbelt and crawled to the front and held the wheel steady.

“I’d expect this when you’re blacked-out, but now!?” she said, prompting Sasha to roll his eyes.

“Find something you like,” Sasha said, opening his music player and handing the phone to Aygylaana before taking the wheel back.

“Which ones are your favorite?” Aygylaana asked.

“I like Saigon Supersound, Air Supply, Neil Diamond, the Scorpions and I have some stuff from North Korea on there,” Sasha explained, “Pick anything.”

Aygylaana tapped the first title under Neil Diamond and waited as the song started.

“This is nothing like the music on my home planet,” Aygylaana said, “It sounds exotic.”

“I can imagine!” Evelyn said.

“What’s her problem?” Aygylaana asked Sasha in Egnadian.

“Honestly, I’m not sure.”

“What the hell are you two saying!?” Evelyn asked.

“I taught him my language and learned your bastardized mess,” Aygylaana said.

«That’s my girl,» Sasha said in Russian.

Several nerveracking-for-Evelyn minutes later, Sasha was turning into the parking lot of the Tiger’s Eye Mall, keeping an eye out for Melanie’s car as he sped through the parking lot.

“Does Melanie still have that Bug?” Evelyn asked, “I know she tried to spray WD-40 in it instead of use motor oil a few months ago. I don’t know if it survived that.”

“By some miracle, it did,” Sasha said, “I think it had some motor oil still left in it, but I’m not sure. It had to be flushed out and re-lubed completely, not to mention that she’s still trying to figure out what a 710 cap is for.”

“Does she really not know she’s reading it upside down?”

“When I called her, she was licking the paint off of the drywall in her apartment,” Sasha said, “Take a wild guess.”

Eventually, Sasha saw Melanie’s silver car taking up five parking spaces with several notes under the wipers, so Sasha parked his car next to it, taking up multiple spaces with his small Plymouth himself before killing the engine and rolling the windows down slightly.

“Huh,” he said, getting out and going into the mall with Evelyn and Aygylaana, “Looks like 2015 Bug was a good year for boneheaded alien dumbasses.”

“What the hell does your world look like!?” Evelyn screamed at Sasha.

“I would diagnose her with ‘kiihs flazpf’,” Aygylaana said to Sasha at a quiet volume.

“She’s a prick,” Sasha said, “I used to feel sorry for her, but then I ran out of vodka.”

“It is worth noting that she did slap me after I pointed out her general lack of intelligence,” Aygylaana said in Egnadian.

Sasha immediately turned around and punched Evelyn in the face before continuing to walk inside.

“I believe I may defecate breakfast soon,” Aygylaana said, holding her stomach as some cramps set in, “Tell me you have the facilities to accommodate for this.”

“I’ll show you where the bathroom is,” Evelyn said, “How are you sick from that?”

“My species is born with two stomachs for foods that are difficult to digest. Mine were removed and replaced with a larger one from an Octmankh.”

“I am not losing those pants!” Evelyn said, hurrying to the restroom, frantically pulling Aygylaana with her as Sasha stopped at the Verizon store and began looking at Motorola smartphones.

“Hi! Is there something I can help you with today?” a floor person asked, going up to Sasha.

“I need to add a Motorola Edge to my plan,” Sasha said.

“Alright, if you’ll just follow me over to the counter, I’ll get you all set up! Can you tell me the name and number for the account?”

“Alexander Buryakov, and the number is 1-302-534-4626.”

Meanwhile, Evelyn and Aygylaana were coming out of the bathroom and headed to a different area of the mall.

“That’s a weird color to see come out of anyone,” Evelyn said.

“I am aware of no other Egnadian with hair the color of defication.”

Now I’m gonna have that in my head for the rest of the day, Evelyn thought as she called Melanie.

“Hey, Eve!” Melanie said, “Where are you?”

“Just coming out of the bathroom,” Evelyn said, shaking her head, “Where are you at?”

“Looking at fur coats. I’m in that store Sasha found his hat in five years ago.”

“We’re headed that way,” Evelyn said, hanging up the phone and heading to PopTop.

“Where are we going first?” Aygylaana said.

“To get you clothes,” Evelyn replied, not finishing the sentence.

“If you are trying to compensate me for slapping me, I would rather see Sasha punch you again,” Aygylaana said, holding a finger to her chin, “Maybe if he could bring blood.”

“Nobody’s dying today,” Evelyn said, confident how this would escalate, “You don’t need to see me get almost killed to get satisfaction.”

“It would be entertaining.”

“Well I’m not doing that,” Evelyn said as they walked into the store, immediately seeing a girl wearing a fur jacket.

She was roughly Aygylaana’s height, wore a periwinkle shirt with a diamond-shaped breast cutout, dark jeans, had golden eyes, fair skin, sandals, and short black hair that faded into glowing golden tips.

“Hi, Eve!” she said, hurrying over to the two, “What’s up?”

“This is Sasha’s new girlfriend and she needs clothes,” Evelyn said as Melanie looked at Aygylaana as if she had just seen a celebrity.

“Oh, wow!” Melanie said, “You had every dude on your planet coming onto you! And you did it outside in the daytime!”

Aygylaana immediately started wondering if Melanie was born with a brain made from silt as she continued.

“How did you get all of that weight on and off so quickly? My ex couldn’t decide what he wanted, then left me! TELL ME YOUR SECRETS!”

Aygylaana had to take a moment to process the extreme level of stupidity standing in front of her before looking at Evelyn briefly, who was trying to figure out the right thing to do for the situation.

“Yes, there is nothing better than the feeling of having the weight of two of Sasha’s mattresses as a part of your body making breathing, and what limited movement is possible in general, tedious, all the while you are unable to pull yourself back to privacy because of that or any random people constantly trying to violate and psychologically abuse you,” Aygylaana said in a flat tone, “What is wrong with you? I hated it and it was very unpleasant,” she started looking at women’s clothing, “I could have died.”

“In the video, she said she liked it,” Melanie said to Evelyn.

“I’m gonna try to not throw up,” Evelyn said, “But where in the fresh hell did you find that?”

“Online.”

Evelyn looked at Aygylaana as she pulled several outfits off of the rack with measurements close enough to her own, the clothes consisting of crop-top shirts, skirts, jeans, and a blue denim jacket.

“Can you tell what her bra size is?” Evelyn asked, “I’d feel better if she were wearing a bra and underwear.

“Sure!” Melanie said, grabbing a yellow bra and going over to Aygylaana as the Egnadian put the clothes in a basket.

“The idiots like you cut out a lung, my stomach, and my ovaries. That being said, what do you want, Jackass?”

“To help you get clothes, silly!” Melanie said, making sure she had the right size bra, “It goes on under your shirt.”

Aygylaana took off her shirt and put on the bra to make sure that it fit properly.

“Maybe your brain isn’t complete silt after all,” Aygylaana muttered in Egnadian.

Melanie looked at the size of one of the skirts Aygylaana had before getting her some underwear as Evelyn walked up to the Egnadian.

“What is she doing?” Aygylaana asked.

“On your planet, you might be used to felling the breeze between your knees, but here, unless you’re at the beach or wearing a skirt, that’s not really an option. Besides, most normal people around here wear underwear to, at the very least, not get a rash,” Evelyn said, remembering an incident where she had to go commando after a one-night-stand in her first semester of college, “Trust me, those pants are made of denim so you’ll want underwear.”

“While your intellectual knowledge is extremely insufficient, I must concede to your prowess and general knowledge of the Terran civilization as a whole.”

“I can’t really speak for anything outside of the Northeastern Seaboard,” Evelyn said, “Still, if you get sick of Sasha, I can find you some pretty good guys.”

“Oh, after coital relations, he and I decided to go all-in on this. Our first date was a mild disaster, to paraphrase him, and we annoyed each other on the ride home, but after we acted on our biological impulses to have sexual intercourse with each other, we found common ground in both our philosophies and mindsets, even if we are two completely different people from a chemical and physical perspective.”

“I’m not even gonna pretend to know what you meant by that,” Evelyn said as Melanie came back with a pack of women’s underwear.

“Here these are!” Melanie said as Evelyn took the pack and tore it open, handing one of the pairs to Aygylaana.

“Are you stealing?” Melanie asked.

“No,” Evelyn said, “I just don’t want my clothes busted,” she looked to Aygylaana, “Put something on you like and give me the tags. I’ll go pay for this stuff, Melanie, you show her the fitting room.”

“Aye-aye!” Melanie said, saluting Evelyn before taking Aygylaana to the changing room, “Eve wants her clothes back.

As Aygylaana closed the door and slid Evelyn’s clothes under before putting on her selections, she couldn’t help but feel something click inside of her. On the one hand, she had a brain that the universe literally envied, but on the other, she had to travel through interstellar space to find someone who gave a damn about her.

A few minutes later, she came out wearing a dark green skirt and white crop-top with the dark bluish-green Chinese character 妇 printed on it as if it were brush calligraphy.

“My Stars!” Melanie said as Evelyn put her slimy clothes in a plastic shopping bag, “You look amazing!”

“Thank you?” Aygylaana said, unsure of how to take the compliment as Melanie took out her iPhone and opened the camera, “I guess?”

“Strike a pose and show me wha-chu got!”

Aygylaana put a hand on her hip and leaned back, smiling and bearing her teeth, “I wanna feel you in my loins again, Sasha,” she said in Egnadian.

Melanie took several pictures of Aygylaana before sending them to Sasha, “I know the best place to get you some sandals at!”

Before Aygylaana could voice her reservations, Melanie was already pulling her to a different store.

Meanwhile, Sasha was outside, loading a phone, laptop, and everything that went with them into his car.

«Damn, this is a small trunk,» he said in Russian as a text came through to his phone.

Melanie: [Sent 27 pictures]

Melanie: She looks HOT right??

“Not gonna lie,” Sasha said, looking at the pictures Melanie sent him before closing the back of the car and going back inside, “You’re sexy.”

As Sasha contemplated his next actions, he didn’t put too much thought into how many laws he was breaking by remotely hacking the DOT in California, effectively bringing the whole state to chaotic gridlock as he sat down in the food court.

“Maybe a few thousand hazardous waste trucks will wreck and the hazmat team will have to come in,” he muttered in Russian.

Aygylaana, meanwhile, was sitting in a shoe store, trying on sandals and boots, eventually settling on a pair of each that she liked.

“I will meet Sasha in this attire and save the boots for the cold season,” she said, standing up as Evelyn cut off the tag and paid for the shoes.

“I think those are from Germany,” Melanie said, “I have a pair of them and they’re really great in the summertime!”

“I see,” Aygylaana said before muttering in Egnadian, “Dear Dragons, please let this dipshit grow a brain.”

“Huh,” Melanie said as the trio walked to the food court, “I always thought Eve was pretty smart.”

Aygylaana slowly turned her head to the Cygnian and looked at her with bewilderment as she breathed sharply, “How can you be such an idiot?” she said after a few moments, “How?”

Melanie briefly thought about the question before going back to the sandals.

“I think you’ll love those!” Melanie said as they walked into the food court and found Sasha sitting down to a plate of egg rolls, “Ooh, Chinese!” she said, hurrying over to him.

“Care for one?” Sasha said before taking a drink of his soda.

“Oh, yes please,” Aygylaana said, sitting down to the table and having an egg roll, planning out the rest of the day as Evelyn went to get drinks for the other three.