“Alright,” Sasha said, closing the take-out box of egg rolls, “So we’re doing your hair next?”

“Forgive my reluctance to join you, but while I want to go to your hair salon indeed, the idiotic Cygnian is going to be joining us, yes?” Aygylaana said in Egnadian.

“If I have to, I know how to throw her a bone, so to speak,” Sasha replied.

“I can see that being an issue.”

“Ready?” Melanie asked enthusiastically.

“Why not?” Aygylaana said, now in English, as she and Sasha stood up.

“We can go to my guy,” Sasha said, taking off his fedora and showing a large, near-black patch of hair at the top of his head that faded to dark blue, “I need a touch-up anyway.”

“I have never seen you with your normal hair color,” Evelyn said, “It’s unnatural.”

“My point exactly.”

“Did you have sexual intercourse with a robot?”

“I did,” Sasha said, “It was satisfactory intercourse and my orgasm would have likely resulted in a pregnancy, had the robot been a biological specimen, capable of reproduction. I estimate that I had a high concentration of sperm in the semen that went into the robot’s artificial vagina that I attempted to make love to four times over the corse of a twelve-hour period.”

Evelyn had to sit down as her world was shattered by the words coming out of Sasha’s face.

“Please, shut up,” she said, her eyes closed as she tried to think happy thoughts before following the others to the second floor of the mall.

Aygylaana looked at Evelyn, questioning the tiger’s mental state before turning back to Sasha, “Have you tried any experiments with nuclear fusion?”

“I’ve toyed around with the idea of a nuclear-powered van engine,” Sasha said, “The thing that’s in my company van right now is the original engine that they used in an Echo. It has a shitty-as-hell automatic and strongly prefers no hills. Despite everything I hate about it, it does have high seating like my Grand Voyager, so there’s that.”

“Why do you have two vans?”

“I lived out of the Voyager for a few years. I still use the thing when I wanna go on trips or skip town and don’t wanna pay for some hotel room. Eve and I actually drove the thing to MIT when we took Melanie to prove that there was other life out there worth contacting. It was an seven-hour drive to get there and we stayed for a week. I know that’s a conversion van you can live in, but it was designed for one person. Two was pushing it, and I’m just glad that Melanie stayed in a dorm. The second one is because I wanted something small for my company that could function as both a small cargo van and a car if either of us needs it, so no gas guzzlers.”

“How did you two sleep in the van? Also, why did you go to MIT to prove extraterrestrial life to other Terrans?”

“I folded out the bed and Evelyn slept on the floor, except for the one night she had a date. Also, I had just gotten a new 5-speed AMT in the Voyager to replace the original Chrysler one and, as such, I was what you might call ‘cash strapped’ because of that junk box.”

Aygylaana thought for a moment as she considered suggesting a trip, but decided to shelve it for later.

“What is your attachment to Plymouth?” she asked instead.

“The van was the first thing I drove in my life, I’ll tell you later. My first car, in the sense that most people would say, was the thing I picked you up in. I loved it so much, that when I first started to haul shit, I looked for my wagon. It doesn’t look like it, but it can haul a crapton of shit when you fold the seats down in the back. They’re good as long as you keep them up, although the ones I like, the automatics aren’t holding up because they didn’t take regular fluids very well from experience. Sadly, though, none of them were timed with a chain, so that sucks.”

“Cheap crap is quite often the default option for manufacturers unless you are willing to sell your soul.”

“Not me,” Sasha said as they walked into Urban Cuts.

“Hello, my name is Kayla! Welcome to Urban Cuts” a fox with a Vermont accent said, “Do you have an appointment today?”

“No, but could you take me and her as walk-ins though?

“Sure! I don’t have an appointment for another hour.”

“That being said, could I get my hair recolored?”

“We’re out of Midnight Sky,” Kayla said, “I’m sorry.”

“What hair colors do you have?” Aygylaana asked.

“Here is a catalogue of all the colors we have in the store,” Kayla said, showing Aygylaana a list of colors, “The ones with a dot by them are the ones we’re out of. I can show you the colors too, if you’d like”

“Could I see maroon?”

Kayla pulled out a binder, flipped a few pages in, and pointed at a red square labeled Maroon.

“Will you color my hair to that hue?”

“Sure!” Kayla said in her usual cheery demeanor, “Have a seat in the middle chair on your left and I’ll be there in a moment!”

“Thank you,” Aygylaana said as she went to the chair and sat down, Kayla coming back a few moments later.

“Alright, before I start coloring your hair, is there anything you would like done to it?”

Aygylaana untied the net around her ponytail, causing Kayla to look on in mild shock, “If you could make it a little even in the back. I have normally used a shard of superheated-sand to keep it manageable.”

“Hold still,” Kayla said, getting her scissors and beginning to cut, “This will only take a few minutes.”

“Melanie, you stay here,” Sasha said, “Eve and I are gonna go take care of something.”

“We are?” Evelyn said.

“You’re still carrying those bags from the stores,” Sasha said, heading to the escalator, “Wouldn’t it make more sense to put them in my car?”

Evelyn rolled her eyes and followed Sasha downstairs and out of the mall.

“I know that I’ve asked this multiple times over the last twenty-four hours,” Evelyn said as they left the mall, “But, for the love of God, what’s wrong with you? You had sex with an alien last night and, if you were both normal people, you wouldn’t be able to keep your hands off of each other right now. That’s the exact opposite of what I should expect from you.”

“She came to Earth looking for me, I took her on a date in the middle of the night, we found out we matter so little to each other that the only rational thing is irrational biological feelings, now you could say she’s my girlfriend.”

Evelyn gasped and started coughing upon hearing that.

“Are you okay?”

“Y- yeah,” she said after her coughing fit ended and she caught her breath, “I’m fine. So, you and her?”

“Apparently.”

“Oh my God, I never would’ve thought it would happen!”

“Mathematically, I always knew it was a small chance. Still, that doesn’t mean it was ever impossible, just improbable,” Sasha explained as he opened the back of the car for Evelyn to load the stuff into.

“What’s with you and two-door car models?”

“Less parts to worry about maintaining,” Sasha explained, “If I had a four-door Plymouth, five in this case, then I would need to keep maintenance on the back ones up. For me, there’s no use for them ninety percent of the time beyond an easier way to throw something in the back seat. With this one, I only need to keep up two doors and a hatch. It just makes sense because I don’t ever carry people around, unless I’m having to get your idiot brother from school or that one time I took Jen to a concert in Charm City. Even then, it’s generally only one person on the rare occasion and they’re much more likely to sit in the front and throw their junk in the back.”

Evelyn nodded her head in understanding and changed the subject, “So I mentioned to my mom that I was thinking about moving out the other day.”

“Let me guess,” Sasha said as Evelyn closed the now-full trunk, “It went horrible because your dad was home and moving out would be a change for him, your mom is terrified that the world is going to corrupt her ‘precious little girl’ and her soul, and you’re not going through with the idea because all of our stuff is still in the attic?”

“How?” Evelyn asked, looking at Sasha.

“I have multiple doctorates, you figure it out.”

Evelyn immediately dropped the question as they headed back inside, feeling that it was better to just forget about it and move on.

Back at the salon, Kayla had started washing Aygylaana’s now-red hair.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” she said, “Your hair is so oily but the color is staying in nicely.”

“I am an enigma,” Aygylaana said, “There are things that you will learn.”

“Strange,” Kayla said, “Is your hair naturally wavy?”

“Rarely.”

“She done yet?” Sasha asked as he walked into the salon a few minutes later.

“Almost,” Kayla said, towel-drying the Egnadian’s head, “I’ll have her ready in a moment!”

True to her word, Kayla didn’t take very long to finish with Aygylaana.

“Do you like?” she asked, going over to Sasha as Kayla cleaned up the area and rung up the price.

“Your hair was only straight and slimy because you never washed it?”

“Based on data that I already have, yes.”

“Gotta say, that gives me some ideas to go on for later,” Sasha said, paying for it with a bank card, “Anything else you want to do here?”

“I cannot think of anything else.”

“That being said,” Sasha said as the four of them headed back outside, “We need to go to Walmart to get you some reading glasses and me some more vodka and the passenger door needs some WD-40, as I found out last night. Afterward, do you guys want a milkshake? The A/C in my car is out of Freon.”

“Could I drive?” Melanie asked.

“Fuck no!” Evelyn said, “Sasha driving is bad enough!”

“If you don’t like it, then walk,” Sasha retorted, “Besides, you don’t even know how to drive a five-speed, Melanie.”

If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

Immediately, Sasha saw a number of notes under his windshield wipers, so he threw them off of the car before unlocking it and getting in with everyone else.

“Aygylaana, I picked up a phone and laptop for you,” Sasha said, pulling out of the parking lot, “We can set it up at the house later.”

“I hope Walmart isn’t out of DVD+Rs this time,” Evelyn said.

“Is Walmart another mall?” Aygylaana said.

“Actually, it’s a department store,” Sasha said before muttering, “That I fucking hate.”

“You go to Walmart at least twice a week,” Evelyn said, “Why do you hate it?”

“It’s a pain in the ass and, for the stuff I normally need to get, Walmart tends to run on the lower end of things and they sell in bulk, so their only real advantage is it’s cheaper than going to a store in the mall or in town when I need something like a network drive or a spindle of discs. Granted, if I need cheap furniture or something for an apartment, it’s a good place to go to.”

“You don’t spare anyone your brain, do you?”

“Not at all.”

At Walmart, Sasha repeated his same stunt in the parking lot: take up no less than two parks for a small car.

“Didn’t you ever learn to park a car the right way?” Evelyn asked as they all got out.

“Yeah, but this way is much easier,” Sasha said.

“You’re crazy,” Evelyn said, shaking her head, “I’ll go with Melanie. Sasha, can you get me those discs?”

“Sure,” he said, heading to the pharmacy with Aygylaana.

“Did we really have to come all the way here just for glasses?” Aygylaana said.

“The stuff on those carts at the mall are the crap that hipsters wear to feel special and look obnoxious and stupid. They have no refraction power at all.”

“Okay then,” Aygylaana said, looking at the section labeled +1.50 and picking out a 3-pack of rectangular reading glasses with a thin metal frame and trying one pair on.

“You can’t do that!” a worker yelled, coming out from behind the counter.

“Yeah she can!” Sasha said, looking to the man, “She’s trying to figure out which ones she can see through.”

“Every pack you open, you pay for. Got it?” he said, pointing at them as Sasha rolled his eyes.

Evelyn and Melanie, meanwhile, were in the grocery section to stock up on food for the weekend with a shopping cart half full of everything from a frozen pizza to cookies and several bottles of soda.

“Thanks again for the whole Girls’ Night thing,” Evelyn said.

“Don’t worry about it, Bestie!” Melanie said, “I wouldn’t wanna watch Camp Oaks without you!”

“I’m so glad I decided to take a break after I got my Master’s,” Evelyn said, “Sasha would’ve just said I’m wasting my time with this crap and it’s completely idiotic.”

“He said what?” Melanie asked.

“Jade obviously proves you can be smart without being a complete and total pain in the ass!” Evelyn said, throwing a bag of candy bars in the shopping cart, “And Nealey really knows how to let loose.”

“It starts Friday morning, and I’ve got a new TV, too!”

“Do you think the new movie is gonna show us how the green team came in?”

“It has to!” Melanie said, “They brought in so much to the camp!”

As Aygylaana got used to the glasses, she and Sasha headed to the electronics section of the store.

“What do you want to do about a car?” Sasha asked, looking for a spindle of recordable DVDs.

“I do not know what your suggestions would be,” Aygylaana said, getting a hard drive, “These lenses make things much easier to perceive.”

“Did you not have glasses on Egna?”

“They were similar to what you might call goggles. I personally did not own a pair for my own benefit.”

“That explains a lot,” Sasha said, grabbing a flash drive and an SSD, “This should work nicely.”

“What are you doing with that?”

“I’m gonna try to compile some new system software for my attic file server,” Sasha said, “Or, at the very least, stop using Snow Leopard to run my network storage with.”

“What do you do when you are completely drunk?”

“Good question,” Sasha said, calling Evelyn.

“What’s wrong?” Evelyn asked, “Did a reaction occur that was equal but not opposite?”

“Are you done?” Sasha asked, “Both with being a bitch and whatever you and Melanie went to do.”

“Oh yeah,” she said, “We’re done, although you might need to hold some stuff up front with you.”

“Why?” Sasha asked.

“Girl’s night!” Melanie said, “It’s a Camp Oaks marathon from Friday morning to Sunday evening!”

Sasha closed his eyes tightly as he let the stupidity of that sink in, “Don’t expect me to drive you home or explain any of this to your mother. I’m gonna pay for the DVDs and glasses, you go ahead to the register with your snacks and shit and I think I can fit everything in the car.”

“Thanks!” Melanie said, ending the call.

“She surrounds herself with a literal barrage of penises, but it bothers her when I meet a girl that I’m willing to have sex with?” Sasha asked in Egnadian.

“She is an enigma,” Aygylaana answered.

Paying for everything didn’t take much time, though Sasha cringed when he thought of what Evelyn was going to try to load into his car.

The next time something like this happens, she’s driving separately. I don’t drive a land yacht and she fucking knows that, Sasha thought as the stuff was getting bagged up.

On the other side of the store, Melanie and Evelyn were getting their snacks paid for before heading to the exit.

“I hope this all fits in Sasha’s car,” Evelyn said.

“Why wouldn’t it?”

“All of that stuff we got for Aygylaana is in the trunk of Sasha’s car, and I think he bought her a phone and laptop to top everything off with.”

“I’ve seen him carry a lot of stuff in that thing before.”

“Yeah, but he folded the back seats down, and that’s not an option when the four of us are in that, going down the road at sixty miles per hour.”

“Oh.”

“It might fit,” Evelyn said, “He said so over the phone.”

Soon, the four met back up at the blue 80s-faced car from the 90s.

“Oh my fuck,” Sasha said, opening the trunk as Aygylaana sat the pack of glasses on the dashboard, “I think all of that will fit if the phone, laptop, and clothes are all pushed to the side. Start with the heavy stuff first.”

“Did you get the DVDs?” Evelyn said as they were filling up the trunk.

“Yeah, but they’re not gonna fit back here without being rendered useless.”

Several minutes later, the trunk was packed full with Evelyn’s and Melanie’s snacks.

“Ready?” Sasha said, closing the trunk as Evelyn put up the shopping cart.

“Let’s go!” she said, getting in the back seat with Melanie before letting Sasha get in.

Soon enough, Sasha was backing out and heading to Sonic to compensate for the lack of a working air conditioner.

“I’ve heard enough Neil Diamond, Air Supply, Elton John, Joan Jett, and Paul Anka,” Evelyn said, reaching forward and turning off the stereo, “There.”

«Get out of the way, you Capitalistic, Pindostani Dogs!» Sasha screamed in Russian, blaring the horn all the while trailing a SUV.

“What are you yelling?” Evelyn asked as Sasha spooled up the old engine and practically flew the car around on the wrong side of the pavement before swerving into his left lane.

«American jackasses,» he said in Russian.

“We wanna live too,” Evelyn said, holding onto whatever she could grab onto once more, “Just saying.”

Aygylaana started laughing after realizing what Evelyn said.

“What?”

“You know you will not die, yes?” Aygylaana said through her laughing.

“This is a car with no real frame to speak of and a gutless engine,” Evelyn said, “If someone taps this thing wrong when he’s behind the wheel, we’ve had a bad day.”

“Oh please,” Aygylaana said, shaking her head, “When he drove through town last night, there were seven or eight other cars, this is the only one that was not reduced to scrap material.”

“Oh dear God,” she said, “Did any buildings, poles, or mailboxes get destroyed?”

Sasha turned around and glared at Evelyn, “Where the hell did that come from?”

“Eyes on the road!” Evelyn screamed as he drove into the oncoming lanes.

“Fine,” Sasha said, looking straight and swerving back into his lane before muttering in Russian, «Not like you’d shut up if I didn’t.»

“Just… please try to make it to Sonic without killing us.”

Sasha rolled his eyes, “They wouldn’t have given me a license if I couldn’t drive.”

“I’m perfectly sure that the examiner was afraid you’d come back if he failed you,” Evelyn said.

“Oh look, there’s the exit,” Sasha said, cutting across the busy road and sidewalk, speeding into the Sonic Drive-in.

“You don’t get to drive anymore!” Evelyn said as the car plowed into a stall while Sasha killed the engine.

“You’re not driving my Plymouth,” Sasha said, rolling down the window, “Now, what kind of milkshake do you want?”

“I want banana!” Melanie said.

“Strawberry cheesecake looks good,” Evelyn said, “I think I’ll have that one.”

“I will just take what you get,” Aygylaana said.

“Alright, so a Fresh Banana shake, Strawberry Cheesecake shake, and two Oreo Cheesecake shakes,” he said, fishing out his bank card, “Speak now or shut the hell up.”

Nobody said anything so Sasha ordered the milkshakes.

“I’m growing mushrooms under my pits,” he said after paying, “Aygylaana, roll your window down. I need a cross-breeze in here.”

Aygylaana obeyed and realized how sweaty she actually was when a breeze blew across her, “Eukh, that does feel good,” she said in Egnadian.

“I have some questions about your language,” Sasha said to Aygylaana, “Firstly, what is the word order? I’m kind of picking up on an OSV, but you speak in SVO. Also, how do you mark grammatical possession? Lastly, what about loanwords.”

“Egnadian has no word order, though it is proper to use Object-Subject-Verb, despite the illogical structure for our language; the only rule is that sentences cannot be mingled with each other. We normally mark possession in sentences with the suffix ‘ILZ’, though it is not completely unheard of to mark it with a click and ‘F’. As for loanwords, there is little provision beyond place names. How in voz do you pronounce your consonants and consonant clusters?”

“Allow a medium of sound to actively flow through the voicebox?” Sasha said, “English is a bastardized language.”

“You keep saying that,” Aygylaana said, “What does it mean?”

“Well, in English, the thing all those snacks were loaded in was a shopping cart. In English, it’s a carriage; in English, it’s a buggy; in English, it’s a cart or basket; in English, it’s a trolly; in English, it’s a barrae or a coohudder; in English, it’s a bascart; in English, it’s a wagon; and in English, it’s a trundler.”

“Are you having a stroke or are you making these up?” Aygylaana said after a long pause.

“I wish it was one of the two,” Sasha said as the carhop brought out their milkshakes.

“I have a large Banana shake, a large Strawberry Cheesecake, and two large Oreo Cheesecakes,” she said, reading off the receipt before handing Sasha the ice cream.

“Thank you,” he said, taking the cups and passing them out as the carhop went back inside the building, “Do we want to stay here with them or is there shit in my car that will ruin the interior if I don’t leave now?”

“We have chocolate!” Melanie said.

“I don’t have Freon,” Sasha said, handing Aygylaana his milkshake and starting the car, “Hold this for me.”

Moments later, he was speeding out of the Sonic Drive-in.

«Get out of the way, you syphilitic dogs!» Sasha screamed in Russian.