The store wasn’t very far, just a few blocks away from my apartment. I’ve taken the same trip so many times in the past, and yet these last months it feels completely different. My back hurts when I walk for too long, my legs tire much faster, and I have this incomprehensible, unshakable feeling that someone is watching me. It’s nauseating…

“Take a deep breath. No one here is paying attention to you… they are all busy with their own lives, just like you!”

She says that as she walks by my side, but I still feel it crawling on my back, the eyes of people around me. Loud instrumental music used to block the feeling but these days it really doesn’t help. My hands nervously open and close, until I realize what I am doing and force myself to stop. No, I don’t want to look like a freak. I don’t want to be a freak at all.

I just want to be normal.

“You are normal.”

Please don’t lie to me.

Eventually I did reach the Munimarc, one of those old supermarket chains that you can see anywhere in this part of Wohl. The place greets me with a cold breeze from the AC, and an annoyingly catchy tune from the speakers. ‘Be the King of the Barbecue!’, said Alejandro Villegas, ‘With our exclusive meat cuts!’.

Man. I remember when Villegas was the sensation across the nation, as the children say. A young and handsome actor appearing in the latest telenovelas of the time… now a washed up old man selling you sirloin. In a way, it makes me feel a little better about myself.

“It shouldn’t. You call him a washed up old man but he still makes more in one day than you’ll make in several years.”

I can’t have anything good here.

Slowly, nervously, I walk into the building and go straight for a basket, then turning to go to the sausage section. I need a big pack, some soda… maybe some Tavs…

“Sugar would pick you up.”

“And fatten you up even more. Gluttonous bastard, don’t you dare pick up Tavs. It’s already bad that you’re eating sausages!”

Sigh.

I pick up some of the good sausages, then go for a bottle of Chugga Cola… and a package of Chocolate cookies.

“Bastard. You put those back where you found them. I can’t believe you’re being so stubborn!”

With my loot on hand, I walk straight for the check-outs… but then, a sound freezes me to the core. A voice I recognize.

“Oh, that’s Patricio! Let’s go say hi!”

I don’t even turn around, I don’t dare to. It’s distant, so clearly he hasn’t realized I am here yet, but it’s definitely him. Oh no.

“Come on, it’s a good chance to test the waters! See if he’s still… you know… a friend.”

He and I were good friends in college, or at least I think we were? Never had much in common beyond our predilection for anime and videogames, but hey. That was enough for conversation. We used to hang out after class, eat trash together, study and try to get by together, it was nice.

But now this is not nice. This is the opposite of nice.

For a moment I feel the need to push the volume of my cellphone up to the maximum, but no, on the contrary, I stop the song on its tracks just to make sure I can know where Patricio is at all times.

Oh right, that’s it! The headphones! I can just pretend I can’t hear him and walk my way!

“That’s mean…”

“And impractical. You will be talking to the cashier, right? Besides, you know how Pat is, he’ll come straight to you if he sees you.”

I hate being right. I can hear the guy walking closer. Quickly I go back to the cashier, a nice old lady who looks at me with concerned eyes. Am I freaking out? Is it too visible? She idly checks out my products and comments:

“Oh dear, you shouldn’t eat so many sausages, they are bad for you…”

Oh.

Okay. That’s okay. She just recognizes me. That’s normal. I recognize her too, so that’s normal.

“You’re so fat it is showing already. Told you.”

Shut up.

“I… sorry.” I mumble, passing the money to the cashier.

“Don’t apologize to me dear, apologize to yourself.” She smiles. She thinks she’s being sweet… I am not sure if that makes me feel indignant or guilty.

With a nod I take the bag and walk out. Patricio is walking out as well. I brace, taking a sharp breath and closing my eyes for a moment.

“Just say hi. He won’t bite!”

Gathering all my strength, I turn on my heels to face Patricio. My cheeks force the rest of my face to smile, pulling from those muscles I barely use anymore, and then–

He passes me by.

I freeze right there, just feeling the wind of the AC hitting my face as the guy just walks out of the supermarket. My body refuses to move for a second as I am hit with the realization that I was ignored.

What?

“Maybe… maybe we heard wrong? Maybe it wasn’t him? I mean, why would he shop here anyways, it’s far from his house.”

“Didn’t you want to avoid him anyways? Why do you even feel bad? Little crybaby, you’re just looking for excuses to feel miserable.”

My breath picks up for a moment, to the point where I have to bite my lower lip to control myself, to not just cry right then and there. What? Why did he ignore me? Is he mad?

Of course he’s mad, I’ve been gone a month and I haven’t even tried to talk to him or communicate in any way.

He has all the right to hate me.

“He could at least say something about it though…”

“He’s a fucking coward, he’d never say it to our face unless pushed to it… Not that he’s too different to you in that aspect.”

My shoulders slump, my whole body slouches a little bit. I have to push myself to turn around and abandon the building before making a scene. I am not even sure if anyone noticed how humiliated I feel right now… I really hope no one did.

When the discordant sounds of the city hit me again, I remember that I have to turn the music on. Anime openings and videogame instrumentals feel a little too happy for me right now, but it’s better than the noise old trucks make when passing by.

As I trudge my way out of the supermarket and begin the walk back home, I can feel the plastic bag digging into my flesh. It’s not even that heavy! And yet the damn thing gets so thin on my hands, it cuts my circulation.

“Hypertension is a bitch, huh? Fatty.”

Like my grasp on my own humanity, those comments grow ever weaker. At least it’s a bit of a relief, it gives me space to think. Why should I go straight home? What’s waiting for me there?

“A warm meal. Which you need to survive, mind you?”

That’s a good point. But at the same time…

My eyes wander to my left. I look through the street, beyond the street, remembering the trips I used to take to and from College, walking through the central streets of the city, passing by the pit, and then through the market district… I enjoyed going there, seeing all the things I couldn’t buy. Checking out new games, merchandise, books.

Maybe buying something will make me feel better.

“Or it will be wasting precious money.”

Sigh.

“Besides. You already had one person ignore you today. Do you want to risk another? Considering you don’t even want to be acknowledged either, you tiresome bitch.”

My body slumps again, as I take a turn back towards the apartment building. Maybe some other day I’ll feel better to just go out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sausages and rice. So easy to make, so fast too. I am never sure if I am overcooking or undercooking the damn things but, it tastes good… just, not as good as it used to.

I am aware that the natural tendency for people is to always think past times were better, but maybe they changed the sausage formula?

“It’s the exposure. When you were a kid, sausages were a sometimes food. Now you eat them all the time.”

As I fill my plate with three sausages and a bunch of rice, like the decadent bitch I am, I think about where to eat… I’ve been eating in my room for the last month. It’s getting full of plates, so maybe it would be best to eat in the living room….?

“Why? There’s literally no reason, there’s no one here to eat with.”

My heart aches. Not physically, at least not yet, but you get the idea. There was a time when Venus and I ate together every night, sharing our experiences in college… whatever happened to that?

“You started eating and doing stuff in your room by yourself.”

“You neglected her for a long year or so. And of course, she neglected you right back.”

I feel like it’s not as simple as that but, at the same time… ugh… Shaking my head, I set my food on the table, then go for the old computer to set it up in the living room. Today I am eating like a normal person.

“It’s a start!”

“You’ll have to clean this fucking garbage bin of an apartment eventually. But you won’t. Lazy bastard.”

When I open my computer, I spend a moment checking the dirty keyboard and the smudged screen. For someone who spends as much time online as I do, I really need to take better care of this thing. If it were to break, I… I honestly don’t know what I would do.

Trying not to dwell on the inevitable but still eventual catastrophe, I search for an old episode of ‘Golden Bawl’, setting it up while I eat and listen along to Kintoki’s shenanigans. I don’t watch a lot of Comedy shows, or even anime for that matter, but they can be good for passing the time.

“There was a time where comedy was our entire world, remember that?”

Yeah… My one claim to “fame” in VirtualZone was a silly comedy “Road of Ninja” fanfic I wrote back in the day. Saints, just remembering all the fourth wall breaking jokes and needless references makes me cringe and shrivel to my core! I have advanced as a writer, at least enough to recognize the mistakes of my past and be haunted by them.

Maybe… maybe what I need is to actually write something. A short tale, a little poem, whatever.

The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

“You haven’t written anything in months, if not an entire year. What would make this different?”

I, I have ideas. I have this whole world in my mind! A tale of generations, about passing the torch from one person to the next. Not connected by blood, but by a shared destiny.

“Well isn’t that interesting? And tell me, who’s going to read that, exactly?”

I…

“Writing should be done for the sake of itself, for the enjoyment of writing.”

“Uh huh. Sure. Tell him that. Without a public to read his stuff, he’ll shrivel up and die. Won’t you? You attention starved asshole.”

I hate it. I hate it because it’s true. My motivation dies so quickly when I don’t feel like someone’s going to read my things… it’s like throwing more and more messages in bottles to the sea, until all I see are bottles floating around me, unattended, ignored. It’s… painful, honestly.

“We can always look for new venues! New sites to post, right? Maybe a new forum?”

“A new forum to be ignored on.”

A sudden sound pushes me out of this depressing spiral and scrambles the voices around me. A new message? Really? From whom? My eyes go back to the computer, where a new window has suddenly popped up. Mesenen is like that, a little invasive, but honestly, the other popular programs are terrible. At least in my eyes.

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: ayyyyy santi!

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: how’s it going man? it’s been a while!

Pepe.

Has it really been a month already? He always checks on me every month or so. That bastard… he’s always been such a good guy, since primary school. I can’t help but smile a little bit, my heart warming up a little bit and my head immediately getting rushed by memories.

The Bohr to my Einstein, my rival…

“Can you imagine how much he would freak out if he heard you refer to him so tenderly?”

I stop myself immediately. Yes, true. Those sorts of thoughts can only get me in all sorts of trouble. I push them back, back I said! To the pits of my mind, where they couldn’t hurt anyone…

Better to answer him quickly, or else he might think I’m ignoring him.

“Or he may think you’re a good for nothing who spends all day on his pc. Oh wait!”

Biting my lower lip a little bit, and putting my empty plate aside, I get to writing.

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Hey man! n.n

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Oh you know, it’s going alright. Can’t really complain. uwu

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: What aboutcha? o.o

…

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: tired man, tired like u got no idea.

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: exams are a bitch, am i rite??

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: thanks The Saints it’s over

My hand hits my face so fast that, for a moment, I don’t even realize. Saints damn it, I forgot! The exams were this week, weren’t they!? Another row of exams I’ll just fail by default.

Fuck.

“Welp, there’s no way to recover from that one. It’s official now, you’ll fail most if not all of your classes this semester. Isn’t that funny?”

Panic starts to boil and pushes its way from the bottom of my stomach and through my entire body at prodigious speeds, my eyes are wide open, am I sweating already? No, no no no no, how did I allow it to get to this!? Can’t I fix it somehow?! My hands reach for my hair, pulling down harshly as my breath picks up so much that I start panting.

Fuuuuuuck.

This is it, I will fail the semester, I’ll have to talk with my parents, they will all learn of it. The looks of disappointment on their eyes will kill me, the sadness in their voice as they try to console me. No, no no no.

Wait. Wait. I can still save it. I just have to get a good grade on the next row of exams… for every single class.

“Y-You can afford to fail a few of them, it’s college after all! Everyone fails once or twice.”

“A cope out… Remember highschool, smartass? Aren’t you supposed to be a prodigy or something? Start acting like it, work.”

My body hurts, everything is moving so fast. But yeah, I can do this. I did it before, I used to be a real smart kid… I can do this.

But before anything, I need to answer to Pepe. I don’t like lying to him… so, let’s make a compromise.

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Pffft. Tell me about it. ewe

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I hate to be pessimistic but, I think I failed everything this time… u.u

...

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: oh shit, rly??

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: im sorry man…

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: but there’s always the next midterms! u can pick up the pace then

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: The Saints know im gonna try too lmfao

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: maybe we’ll end up repeating this time, but we have to keep trying, alright??

“Failing? As if he was capable of that. The bastard’s studying medicine for a reason, he’s the real genius here…”

Shut up. I won’t let you talk about Pepe like that.

“He’s probably pitying us.”

You know he’s incapable of stuff like that. Whatever he says, he means it with all of his heart… the bastard is incapable of being facetious.

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Alas, these old bones can’t keep trying forever hahaha. :3

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I need to pick up the pace. >.<

...

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: man what i’ve told u about talkin like that?

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Like what? o.o?

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: like an old fart, lmao

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: ur like what, 20? you gotta act ur age man!

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: i bet you are still acting and dressin like an old man too

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Shirts and coats are cool man! >.

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: no. no their not.

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: at least ur not using that sombrero anymore

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: First off, it’s a Fedora.

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Second off, shut the fuck up man xD

Honestly, it was a relief for me too that I grew out of the fedora phase. I was still clinging to my long montgomery but, at least the hat was gone! I smile, closing my eyes for a moment. This… was nice. It was always nice to talk to Pepe.

Too bad it only happens once every month.

“You could talk to him more often, you know?”

I have nothing to say, and I don’t want to make things even more awkward than they already are. It’s fine. He knows I mean well… right?

“Does he?”

I… really hope he does.

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: hey man

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: do u like what ur studying?

The question slaps me straight in the face, my eyes widened. It takes me a second to actually react and answer.

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: What do you mean? o.o

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: like, i kno ur goin for law, right?

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: but it kinda came outta nowhere, if u ask me…

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: are u sure this is it?

He’s right. Again.

It did come out of nowhere because, after we graduated from Highschool, I literally had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I would love to write for a living, but that stuff doesn’t pay… and I never liked medicine and such, so…

What other career is expected of a kid with high grades?

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: It’s… a little late to think about that, isn’t it? ówo

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: its never too late man

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: just, think about it

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: ur a smart cookie, maybe ur failin because u dont feel it there

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: my dad still calls u “book eater” from time to time

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: do u still read like before?

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: …

My eyes went to the little bookshelf Venus and I improvised. It wasn’t full, but we had some books… both of us were obsessed with reading back in the day. I’ve read through all of those, even the not-so-good young adult books Venus left behind… but after finishing all of them once, I haven’t really read anything thoroughly in a while.

Maybe that is what I need… damn you, Pepe.

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I think I will go to the bookstore today. Check out the stuff? :3

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: now that’s the al i know lol

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: enjoy ur vacations, i gotta start doing paperwork for the intern work

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Take care man!

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: same dude

‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’ is now offline

My eyes linger on the conversation for a bit longer. Now that’s a good feeling, so good I can’t even hear my complaints about being “too gay” right now. I am just basking on the echoes of this revelation for a moment, before I get right up. Yes. This was a good plan, this would surely get me out of this funk.

Going back to old, good habits will get me back into the same mindscape I was before, and then maybe, just maybe, I can grasp back on that talent I used to have.

…

“Wait, did he say ‘vacations’???”

Another incoming message interrupts me. When I look, I find it’s not Pepe, but Vito… my heart freezes for a moment.

My brother often tries to reach me, this is not the first time. But I always feel so guilty about the way I treated him when I was younger, I… honestly don’t know how to answer.

But I can’t simply ignore him, can I?

UndeadVito: yo.

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Hey n.n

UndeadVito: how’s it going bro?

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: It’s going. Not too well, not too bad. uwu

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I think I flunked my exams but, I’ll try to get better at it next time. u.u

UndeadVito: that sucks man. Im sorry.

There’s a moment of silence. None of us know how to talk to each other… How could we? I’ve been out of the house through the kid’s teenagehood. He probably has a lot of shit on his mind…

Maybe I should ask about that?

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: What about you dude? Is everything okay at school? o.o

UndeadVito: … I’ll survive.

That’s not good. That’s pretty much the opposite of good. Fuuuuck, what would a good sibling do?

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Talk to me bro, you can tell me. n.n

UndeadVito: nah, don’t worry. I’m just being silly.

UndeadVito: hey hey, what’s the last thing you’ve written?

He’s not fooling me, he’s not fooling anyone, not even himself. But I can’t exactly pry, can I? Do I have the right to?

I read him and all I can remember are the times I made him cry when he was a little kid.

Worst of all, he has always looked up to me. I can’t stand it, knowing what I’ve become… he’s always asking and wondering about my ideas. If only he knew I have done nothing for so long.

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I’m not working on anything right now

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: You know, with the college and stuff u.u

UndeadVito: awww. okay, I get it.

UndeadVito: you know what you should do?

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Hmmm? o.o

UndeadVito: you should write a book about mobsters!

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Pffft xD why mobsters?

UndeadVito: mobsters are cool!

UndeadVito: as your biggest fan, I demand that you write something about mobsters!

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: lol xD

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I’ll think about it, okay?

UndeadVito: yesssssss.

UndeadVito: are you coming home this weekend?

I haven’t returned home in so long, has it been a month too? Maybe, considering Pepe said we have vacations now (I still have to look into that). Maybe it is time to rest.

“And what, tell our parents the truth? Absolutely not. After all the softness and pity goes off, they will force you to stay in that dump of a town and work at a supermarket or something. Trapped forever there, just wasting away. Game over.”

I flinch. I refuse to fall that far down…

“It wouldn’t be falling, it would simply be taking another way in life.”

I am supposed to graduate college. We are not discussing this now!!

UndeadVito: bro??

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Ah! O.o Sorry, got busy!

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I am not sure if I can this weekend, sadly u.u but maybe the one after!

UndeadVito: oh.

UndeadVito: ok.

Why. Why does he care? Why does he insist on caring about me? I haven’t been there for him when he needs me the most and yet he clings?

A part of me wants to go full “tough love” and try to push him away rudely but… come on… he’s my brother. And I was already plenty of bad in the past.

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: You gotta tell me more of that story of yours when I go back, okay? n.n

UndeadVito: huh? oh yeah, I mean, I guess.

UndeadVito: if you really wanna listen.

I know how comforting it is, to hear that someone wants to actually hear and understand your ideas… it’s not much, but I can at least offer him my legitimate attention and opinions. Not that he needs much of my help though, the kid has talent for stories!

“Let’s hope it doesn’t take him the same way it took us.”

…

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I gotta go uwu you take care, alright?

UndeadVito: will do, boss.

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx is now offline.

Sigh. No more messages for today, this was more than enough… I need something to read, I need to get active again, write, actually do something…

But first, it was time to brush my teeth.

I walk past Venus’ former bedroom, and then turn around. In front of it, there’s the bathroom… and the dreaded mirror. It’s so central on the wall that I can’t really not look at it, and it just takes a little glimpse to look at myself. My hair is a mess, my beard is a mess. I am a mess. I don’t look as fat as I was fearing but, it is an undeniable fact that one sees themselves far more attractive in the mirror than they are in reality.

I must be even worse than this.

Water and a comb do fix things a little but…

“Look at yourself. Look at this ugly mess. This is who you are. No matter how much you’d want to identify as something else, no matter how you try to dress or to do. You can even lose weight, and you’ll still be this. An ugly man. Nothing more.”

Sigh. Tell me something I don’t know…

“It would take work, and a lot of effort… but you could change. Nothing in this life stays the same, we live and thrive in change.”

“She’s delusional, just like you are. If you think you can somehow do that, go ahead! Try it, chase that stupid delusion… let’s say what mom and dad have to say about it.”

After cleaning myself and properly brushing my teeth, I stop looking at myself in the mirror, grab my montgomery and hurry out of the house. I didn’t want to listen anymore, I didn’t want to think anymore.

I just wanted to buy a damn book and get over with it.