What a great day! At least I wish I could say that. In my defense, it had been a good day up until the point where I decided to go to my best friend's house after I'd consumed a large amount of this delicious honey infused bourbon. What? It was really good! Especially when mixed with the right stuff.

Anway, back to the story! This is probably the point where you'd expect that I'd done something terribly stupid, such as getting behind the wheel of a car and dying a horrific death while driving under the influence. Nope! I'd been in my house thinking to myself "Wow! I'm so drunk that I can barely stand! Better call for a ride!" Next thing I knew, my drunk self was going down some stairs to my basement to call for a ride when I fell down said stairs, crit failed my saving throw, and broke my neck, dying instantly on the spot.

Which leads me to the present moment. Where I'm... not dead? I think? I'm in my basement, and I can see around me just fine. Okay, let me just look around... OMG THERE'S A DEAD BODY IN MY BASEMENT oh wait it's just me. Wait. Dead body? Me? Okay... So much for not being dead then. Oh! Hey look! A screen popped up in front of me! Anything to distract me from this confusing situation is fine by me!

CONGRATULATIONS ON BECOMING THE FIRST DUNGEON OF PLANET _EARTH_!

YOU HAVE GAINED ACCESS TO THE SYSTEM!

CURRENT STATS:

LEVEL: 1

XP: 0/100

VITALITY: Almost like you're staring your own death in the face!

DURABILITY: Like a diamond in the rough. (You are literally a rock now)

STRENGTH: About enough to claim the house

The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

DEXTERITY: Top tier immobile object.

WISDOM: Enough to know to call an uber

INTELLIGENCE: Questionable at best

SKILLS: NONE

SKILL POINTS: 100

Are you insulting me system!?!? Umm... One sec... there's a system? And I'm a dungeon now? I'm confused.

YES TO ALL THREE OF THOSE QUESTIONS. I CAN SEE YOU ARE CONFUSED! ME TOO!

Oh. Well, that clears up a few things. Wait! You can talk to me system?

FOR APROXIMATELY THE NEXT 5 MINUTES OR SO! THEN I HAVE TO GIVE A REPORT TO MY SUPERIORS ABOUT HOW YOU SCREWED UP THE WHOLE PLAN FOR INTEGRATING THIS WORLD INTO THE SYSTEM! SO JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN. I'M SO UPSET WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. HERE'S THE BREAKDOWN OF WHAT HAPPENED. I'M BUSY GETTING READY TO INTEGRATE EARTH INTO THE SYSTEM WHICH INVOLVES PLACING DUNGEONS DOWN ON THE PLANET TO GET PEOPLE STARTED GAINING LEVELS AND EXPERIENCE AMONG OTHER THINGS. NEXT THING I KNOW, YOUR SOUL IS SO DRUNK THAT IT TRIPPED ON THE WAY TO THE AFTERLIFE DIRECTLY INTO A DUNGEON CORE, FUSING YOUR SOUL AND THE CORE TOGETHER.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF HELLISH PREDICAMENT YOU'VE PUT ME IN NOW! DUNGEONS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SENTIENT! AT ALL! IT'S LITTERALLY NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE! THE AMOUND OF PAPERWORK AND RED TAPE I WENT THROUGH TO GET THIS ALL SET UP, ONLY FOR YOU TO RUIN IT!

THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BY THE WAY! EVER! THE ONLY REASON I NOTICED IT HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE WAS BECAUSE OF MY AUTOMATED MESSAGE TEMPLATE FOR "FIRST ______ ON PLANET ____! GOT SENT OFF WAY SOONER THEN IT HAD ANY REASON TO! NOW I TO FIGURE OUT HOW STATS WITH INTELLIGENT DUNGEONS ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK! I'M STILL WORKING ON THAT BY THE WAY! I AM SO ANGRY WITH YOU RIGHT NOW!

THIS IS GOING TO TAKE A YEAR TO SORT OUT THE PAPERWORK... AND HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS...

Umm... are you going to do something... umm... not to give you ideas or anything.... How do I put this...

I WON'T DESTROY YOU, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE ASKING. I WON'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU. I CAN'T INTERFERE DIRECTLY WITH SENTIENT BEINGS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I REALLY, REAAALLY WANT TO. I JUST WANTED TO EXPRESS HOW UPSET I AM ABOUT HOW MUCH WORK I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DO NOW.

Okay! Big relief there!

THAT BEING SAID, I DON'T REALLY NEED TO DO ANYTHING... TELL ME, HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BEING AN IMMOBILE CRYSTALLINE OBJECT?

I don't really see where this is going...

GREAT! JUST LIKE I FIGURED! GOT TO GO! YOU KNOW, REPORTS GOTTA GET TO THE BOSS! GOOD LUCK FIGURING EVERYTHING OUT ON YOUR OWN! BYE!

Oh... well... I suddenly see where that was going. I just sit there for a bit, staring at my dead body. Not that I can move now that I think about it. I guess that leaves one glaring question.

Now what do I do?