5
The demigod's face oozes concern as he turns
"Gentle Lady, fear not. I do mean you no harm."
Anna smiles and nods though her visage still crimson
"Truly," Thor says, proffering her his big strong arm
But then he pauses, closing his eyes. "An alarm
I can hear, a shrill screaming of the Universe
The fabric is sundered near Old McDonald's farm
Come, you two, you have been chosen as heroes! Yes?"
"No," James politely demurs, "I've got duties here.
Tenants, and family, stock futures, Gretna Green
You see? I cannot go anywhere with you, Sir!
I have a sizable stake in South Sea Trading.
"Quiet brat!" Thor says, as lightning wraps around him
"No!"
"Grilled rodent on a stick! Like it or not, we go!"
6
Thor channels magic and sighs, still sleepy and weak.
"Oh if only I hadn't lost my Mjolnir.
Anna tut tuts and says, "you may not be at your peak
But I know just the thing. Please have a cuppa tea."
Thor drinks the magical Earl Gray, and then goes (to) pee
"All better," he smiles, "it's time for portal magic."
"No," says James, but too late... They're drowned in an aether sea
"Muffin brat boy," Thor says, "stop being so tragic."
He says to a squealing James attached to his knee
The magic has made Thor feel very lethargic
He's transported them a thousand miles in space-time
A Peter battling a demon now seems cathartic
Is Thor hallucinating, or in that tea too much lime?
7
Armed with a sturdy wooden stick Peter marches
No black knight shall keep Peter from his Lady Love
Lamb and sheep follow, they don't really give a shove
About his heroic quest, but there's a demon
Following in their footsteps, so they don't leave him.
The demon closes in. Peter brandishes his stick,
Demon says, "Hey, chill out. Relax! Don't be a Dick!"
Peter says with fury, "What have you done with Mary?"
Demon brandishes claws, and screams, "Hate Rate Trait Mate. Savvy?"
This demon is incoherent and scary. Peter must flee.
Just then, a dazzling light and three people appear
A woman, a bearded Nord and a leg clinger
"Fear not, brave Peter Peterson, " the Nord proclaims
Ha ha! I was born to slay demons," he acclaims,
"I shall smite him with Mjol...I mean... My bare fists"
He pounces on the demon, epic pugilist
His punch makes the demon creature disintegrate
(While the leg clinger fop does obfuscate)
"Thanks, I guess I did need some help," mutters Peter
shame faced says, "and how do you know my name, kind Sir?"
Thor shrugs, "(no thanks necessary) Smiting HateRateTrait was just what I needed
This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
A pick-me-up! And I knew your great great great grandfather
He and I shared many quests. He's one mortal I heeded
You have his same noble nose, warts and all... As well as his rank odour."
A dark winged mass emerges from the demon's ashes, a black bird.
It speaks, "yeah, yeah, yeah... All very touching, you pieces of runny guanno,
But you idjits born of idjits could have gone easier on the punches you know?!!!"
Peter brandishes stick, as Thor raises fist. "Shapeshifter!" they shout together.
8
Shapeshifter?" The demon squeaks, "No, you damn feckt,
I'm a pretty mocking bird. Mock, mock and screw you!
That demon wraith ate me whole, that halitosed wretch!
And I got stuck in its throat! That freaking stink belch!!!"
"Can you understand its infernal dialect?'
Thor asks. Peter shakes his head, "Where's Mary? Speak true."
Bird cackles in wicked glee, "If you hate the rate
And really have to shake, then just castrate your mate!"
"Mad Fury," Thor sighs, "the worst sort of punishment.
Definite warp in the space time continuum.
Once I finish this here magical annulment
Mary will appear and Fury bird disappear
Law of conservation of mass. So do not fear
Young Peter Peterson." Thor begins his magic
While the bird hurls unintelligent abuses.
Viscount James, adjusting cravate, looks so tragic
While Thor's aether magic over the area diffuses.
Anna disappears. Thor scratches his head, "I think I miscalculated."
"YEAH, NO SHIT," says the Mocking Bird.
9
"A peculiar state of affairs," Peter proffers.
"Downright kinky, you nit" the mocking Bird differs.
"We're heroes, we'll certainly fix it," Thor posits,
"We'll go to Valhalla where Reality meets
And If needed, I'll kick all demons off their seats
Indeed, don't fear! Anna and Mary will be saved
So let us go now to McDuffie's Tavern Hill
And get the keys to the gate of the Yggdrasil."
Peter and Thor confidently stride forth, with swagger!
James and the lamb follow behind, staring daggers!
The Mocking bird cackles in glee, "Yo Mama..."
10
Tavern Hill, an hour's walk laden with abuse
From a verbose trans-dimensional mocking Bird
The heroes enter. Their presence does now induce
Instant silence and appraisal from the innards
"Thor, you bastard," a giant bearded Scott yells out,
"You still haven't paid your tab, you bloody baw bag
Three centuries interest, a king's ransom... You lout!"
Thor smiles wide, arms stretched out, "McDuffie lqngubak,
Let's settle our dues with a drinking contest
All forgiven if I win, plus McDonald's keys.
My tab closed and I will sponsor the village fest
If you win, McDuffie old friend, renowned qlfuss."
McDuffie agrees. It's been a while since he had
A worthy opponent.
The Mockingbird croons, "Mad!!!"
Mary's little lamb, fleece as white as snow, agrees.
(baw bag: scrotum
lqngubak: fishbelly
qlfuss: drunkard)
11
The Scott and the Nord drink fine highland single malt
Cask after cask is taken from the tavern vault
Their burps contain pure spirit. Inflammable Belch!!!
Maid Nancy moves the lamps away. Clever Miss Welsh
Peter and James watch in dismay as Thor wavers
The mocking Bird inebriated in vapours!
James throws a pot of liquid at Thor's reddened face
Thor roars, "Eel salad! Why you nincompoop disgrace?
You dare empty a chamber pot on my luster!"
James squeaks, "I thought it was water; pick-me-upster."
McDuffie chortles, "drenched in piss! Just like old times"
Thor bristles, "Speak for yourself. Don't bundle me with your crimes."
McDuffie laughs as he falls off his chair...
and then dreams sweet dreams
The mocking Bird sings, cacophonous infusion
To McDuffie's snores, "tankuberyuchyubigtshon."