19

A group of gold armoured guards meet them at entrance

One asks, "Who goes there with our Valkyrie so fair?"

Thor then stares at them, snorts and says, "What a hindrance."

"It's Lord Thor," the guard's tone goes an octave higher

In his now effeminate voice the guard declares

"The noble, brave and strong Thor returns to Asgard

Let Allfather know. Don't walk, take the flying chair"

Thor shakes his head, " There is no need for a vanguard

I'm not here for long, just give my father this card

Where is Heimdall, is he slacking off on his job?"

'Tis strange not to see him patrolling the front yard

Did he go to visit his dearest friend called Bob?"

The guard replies, "Heimdall left to avoid the mob

He's gone on a long vacation to Hawaii

Don't worry good Prince, we'll make sure no one comes to rob

Asgard. I will guard this bridge well, I guarantee."

"Take a chair," says Thor to his party, "One two three

The demonic bird will fly on its own two wings

Soon we'll be feasting, and drinking mead, perhaps tea

While listening to Asgard's beautiful girls sing

Eh, Peter Peterson? Do you fancy a fling?

There are lots of beautiful girls your age here too"

Peter scowls, "Mary is my one and my true Spring

Other women, despite their looks, I won't pursue

"Indeed," says Thor, you're a Peterson through and through"

Smiling more and more, he sits on one flying chair

"You're ten out of ten in my character review

And you," he turns to James, "you had better not dare

(Asgard's pretty women are off limits to you)

"Why good Sir," says James, "What do you think I would do?

I'm a gentleman, bon ton, full of dignity

I bring no disgrace, as sure as the sky is blue

And I have had it with all of your bigotry"

"To fight me," Thor grins, " you have no ability

Come, let us make amends, please forgive me my friend

It's been tough for you. You have all my sympathy

While at home, all hostilities I will suspend

On gold chairs they fly through the air and then descend

To a hall so large it could fit a small country

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

A soldier, in fur, wool and mail, the door attends

"Einherjar," says Thor, "today do they serve curry?"

"Just the usual goat piss and boar, you're funny,"

The warrior laughs, as he opens the big door,

"Welcome to Valhalla, Thor, you look so hungry

Teardrops fall down Thor's cheeks, "This brings back memories

Time to drink some magic goat urine all of you

It's the best mead and it will give you energy

Let us dine on Saehrimnir. There's some chicken too!

"Don't worry ‘bout picking fights here, matters not who

All your wounds will heal, and the fights will make you pals"

Peter cuts his finger to see if it is true

The cut heals. Everything follows Thor's rationale

Then many warriors wage a battle royale

Giving it their all in the Hall of Valhalla

James looks, "All this fighting can't be good for morale

Nice meal! You wouldn't happen to have a banana?

20

The chaos ensues while James eats his yellow fruit

Thor walks to the weapon pile and picks a hammer

"Why are they fighting? Asked James, "what is their dispute?"

Thor then grins, "they don't take kindly to bad grammar.

Just kidding," he says, "They just enjoy the clamour

Eat, drink, sleep and fight, this is our paradise.

I think that you had best quickly don some armour

If you don't want to see your guts take my advice

For Peter, some chain and mail I think should suffice

'Tis not a good sight to see what's inside come out

The fop called James will be left to his own device

'Twill be an epiphany for him I don't doubt"

James is indignant, "Dear Sir, what is this about?

I know that you and I got off on the wrong foot

I know that i have acted like an ass throughout

Without wearing armour here I will go kaput!"

Thor shakes his head, "Please stop. I don't need your input

This is just training," the Nord looks like a painting

And James 'The Scream' by Edvard Munch. Thor says"Stay put,

And wait for a minute, then fight the remaining."

"The remaining who? asks James, my strength is waning

As I look upon all this bloody spectacle

The sight of spilt organs is energy draining

Let's do this when I'm feeling more amenable"

"Einherjars," shouts Thor, "this fop's a professional

He's strong and brave. A warrior from the cradle

Come, one and all, and test your sword on his mettle

Whoever wins will sit and eat at my table"

James is most put out by the god Thor's betrayal

He picks up sword and shield off from the ground and swings

But his opponents soon prove to be most fatal

Against them his weapons feel like thin, tiny strings

Peter joins the fallen warriors, his sword stings

James on the buttocks. "Et tu Brute?" Viscount screams

James jumps up high like his legs are made out of springs

And he manages to climb onto the hall's beams

"You can't die," shouts Thor, "You're no warrior it seems

Just fight and fight until you overcome your fears

James stays above and screams defiance, "In your dreams."

Mocking bird wakes up, "Hey chump, you have any beers?"

"Demonic bird," says Thor, "go now and peck his ears,"

Thor launches Mocking Bird at James, "Screw you Thor whore"

The bird shouts and then the hall erupts in loud cheers

For Thor's aim is spot on and James hits the hard floor

"Alright now," says Thor, "fair maiden will you keep score?"

He turns and asks a very well endowed woman

"For you my lord," she smiles, "I will do even more

I can even be your comfortable cushion"

"If Sif finds out she'll turn me into a footman

Just keep score of James the fop's fabulous duels

I need to leave for now to dress in some woollens

Keep it clean guys, please don't aim for the crown jewels

"Alright," shouts James, face turning red, "come on you fools

I'll show you what a British pugilist can do"

He throws away all his lethal warrior tools

And brandishes his fists at the impatient queue

After hours of torture, James makes a breakthrough

He goes on to win all his duels hereafter

He even pursues one of them and throws his shoe

He is so happy now he can't stop his laughter

He doesn't know that the Einherjar (are) good actors

They let him win for they feel so sorry for him

His timing and footwork are a real disaster

James grins and says proudly,"I learnt this in my gym"