I rejoined Lieutenant Risi and Commander Foro outside the S.M.A.S.H. tent. Fortunately, Sala had also found them. The three were huddled together speaking, though I couldn't hear specifics over the renewed sounds of weapons fire from the front. Nor did they seem particularly interested in sharing the topic with me once I had joined them. We set out for the colonial spaceport, where the shuttle Baumgartner waited for us with its cargo. Fatigue was setting in for all of us. Lieutenant Risi’s normally rhythmic footfalls were uneven and Sala kept having to rush to keep pace with us.
I appreciated the time alone with my thoughts, even if I was struggling to focus on mission related tasks. My mind kept wandering to my earlier conversations with Cserr and Sala, and I found myself repeating and relitigating them over and over in my mind. Cserr’s comments particularly sat poorly with me. She was so insistent that other people actually cared about me and that I was actually hurting these people with my choices. What I had seen as dedication to my duty and to the Federation had instead isolated myself from the people around me. I knew I had been worse after the war, but had it really become so bad that I wasn't actually making time for people? I reflected on the last year; at all of the events I had missed. Our class reunion, my family's clan gathering, my friend Larry Mullins promotion to Lieutenant Commander. At each moment, looked at in isolation, I had been able to use my responsibilities as justification to avoid making the time. However, looking back at the entirety of last year, I realized there was a pattern. I had been avoiding spending time with the people I cared about and slowly but surely cutting myself off those who cared about me. I was really letting down the people who mattered despite my single-minded focus on trying to keep them safe from harm.
As we crossed the last street before the spaceport, I found myself repeating one question over and over. Why was I doing this to myself? While an answer for that question would have to wait as we walked into the spaceport proper, I at least was thankful for the kick in the ass Cserr, Sala, and honestly the entirety of my crew had given me. I decided to take advantage of the moment to speak with one of them at least, so I dropped back so I could speak with Sala.
“You disappeared back in the hospital.” It was a statement, but I let it hang so she knew it was a question. I had spotted her speaking with some of the Suliban in the hospital and I found myself curious about what they had shared.
“I was doing my job.” she replied, her voice light. “In case you’ve forgotten I have more to do than follow you around.” She tapped my arm with a finger to punctuate the word you.
“I hope I’m not keeping you from your duties as representative.” I was genuinely contrite if I was. It was obvious to anyone watching that Sala enjoyed my company and I hers, but I would push aside my feelings if I was interfering. She laughed at my answer. I was really starting to love the way her laugh sounded, like the tinkling of falling glass.
“Not at all, plus this way I can actually talk directly to the woman in charge.” Her tone changed subtly to something more serious. “Unfortunately, what I have to tell said woman isn't very good. The general belief is that while Starfleet clearly means well and it's obvious that you’re trying very hard, no one actually thinks you can pull this off.” I bristled at this. Obviously they didn't know about the gas unless Sala had shared it, but I was caught off guard by their lack of faith in us or the sacrifices Starfleet personnel had already made for the Suliban.
“I would hope your people would have more faith in us.” I replied, unable to hide my irritation. She stopped walking and I stumbled at her sudden halt.
“You really don't understand us at all.” She hissed. “Ignoring for a moment that your people saw us as the enemy in the past, we’ve spent many years being let down by people in those uniforms.” She jabbed me directly in my KLICOM delta. “Oh sure, individual officers, like you, have gone above and beyond for us, but as a whole? The Federation failed us, not just here on New Jerusalem, but all across the quadrant. Even before the Klingons we were a second class species inside Federation space. The historic enemy that almost stopped the founding, no one wanted or cared about us! Why do you think the Klingons chose us? You made it easy for them!”
Sala was shouting at this point. Foro and Risi had also halted and turned to face the two of us. I was alarmed to see Risi’s hands move to his phaser rifle, even though it was likely just a reflex at Sala’s increased volume. I didn't want them to hear this, but I could think of no reason to order them to leave either. Unfortunately Sala was also completely right. The Federation had turned a blind eye to the poverty and ostracism of the itinerant Suliban populations both inside and outside of our space. That Stone woman referring to them as galactic trash was a sentiment I was sure echoed by many federation citizens. Even here I was doing it again, despite what Sala had said about my actions making me the exception. I wasn’t including them in any of the planning, instead choosing to focus on myself and my crew. That needed to stop, I needed to do better.
“You're right.” I held up my hands in an attempt to mollify her. “What should I do?” That caught her off guard and she cocked her head in response. I continued, emboldened by her reaction. “I mean it Sala, tell me how I make this right. How do we win the trust of your people?”
“I don't know Niah, at least not yet, give me some time, I’ll speak with them.” Her shoulders slumped in resignation. I resisted the instinct to reach out to her. She was still angry with me and in all likelihood this had been building under the surface for a while. I silently admonished myself again for my slipup before speaking.
“That's all I can ask for Sala. We’ll do whatever it takes.” She nodded and we resumed our walk towards the spaceport. Taking advantage of the distance between my officers and the two of us, I tried to reassure Sala.
“You’re doing a great job, representing your people with me.” I observed, keeping my voice low so only we were privy to the conversation. She huffed in response.
“I’ve never done a good job of speaking for them, with you or otherwise. Vaanek is the one you want for this.” she replied, her voice unsteady. “I should just head to one of the shelters.”
“Maybe.” I remarked, as much to myself as to her. “You want to know something, Sala?” Her attention focused on me as we walked and despite the sour look she sent my way I took that as permission to elaborate.
“We rarely get exactly what we want. Take yesterday. If I knew there was a D7 lurking over the border I would have wanted to be in the center chair of a Constitution or Kirov right now. Or be commanding a company of FGF marines with armor. But we don't always get what we want.” I was quoting a piece of classical music right now, but I knew Sala wouldn't be able to tell. “But sometimes you find you get what you need. What I need right now is someone to bridge the gap between the Suliban and Starfleet. I think that someone is you. I trust you to figure it out.” Sala snorted.
“That makes one of us.”
“Just think it over on the shuttle ride ok?” I replied as we crossed the last street separating us from New Jerusalems spaceport.
The spaceport itself was a lynchpin of our defense. The location of one of the transport inhibitor pylons also served as our supply depot and base of operations for our three combat ready shuttles. Currently both the Baumgartner and Popovich were on station, the former being loaded with Commander Foro’s weapon, the latter undergoing repair. We boarded the Baumgartner after a brief conversation with Chief Petty Officer Al-Ibrahim to confirm the state of the gas canisters and my taking an opportunity to draw a new phaser from stores. It was cramped in the shuttle's interior, the pallet of gas canisters nearly filled the passenger compartment. It was so large that we were forced to fly with the rear hatch partially lowered. I asked Sala to sit up front with the pilot, which she reluctantly agreed to. At least that way one of us would be strapped in and secure. After one final round of preflight checks to make sure the cargo was secure and a last-minute confirmation of our destination we launched into the morning sunshine.
The wind whipping in through the open ramp made conversation impossible despite the headsets we all wore and I found myself alone with my thoughts once more. Fortunately, I had a distraction. Commander Foro had provided me with a PADD laying out the details of her plan, and I busied myself by reading the details. I was quite proud of my science officer, not only had she been able to refine enough gas to cover most of our western approach, she had also worked out a delivery system as well. The farms around the edge of the used a central irrigation system that, if purged, could be used to vent the gas in rows along the front line we now occupied. There was a catch, however. We didn't have nearly enough rebreather masks for all the personnel on the front line, which meant we would have to move most of our troops into reserve before we deployed the gas. I had just started reading the finer details of the deployment system when the whole shuttle shuddered violently. We had just been fired on.
“Contact, five o clock high, everyone grab onto something.” came the clipped voice of the pilot through my headset. I wrapped my arm around one of the straps and the shuttle dove into a roll. I immediately lost the PADD out the ramp in the maneuver, and I saw Lieutenant Risi barely manage to wrap Commander Foro in a bear hug to stop her from tumbling out after it. The shuttle dove at full thrust, the engines screaming as we lost altitude. Through the open ramp I could see a pair of Ki’Tang’s settle in behind us. Their disruptor bolts seared through the air just centimeters from the shuttle's hull and left an acrid tang in the air. The pilot banked hard to the right to avoid something and I lost sight of the raptors behind us. That something had turned out to be a colonial prefab, which appeared suddenly alongside us as the shuttle wove through the colony's streets. Another bang reverberated through the hull, though higher pitched than if we had taken a disruptor hit. We must have hit something, inevitable at this low altitude. I cursed. I am not used to being this helpless during a fight. Even onboard a starship I had a duty station, orders to give or at least something to keep my mind occupied. In the cramped confines of this shuttle however, all I could do was hang on and hope.
Another prefab whipped by below us, then another followed by yet another. We were heading back into the colony rather than making for the front. Likely making for the weapon teams commanded by Lieutenant Whitman for the additional firepower. More disruptor fire criss-crossed the open space behind us, blowing apart something on the ground in a ball of fire as we passed above it. I couldn't make any sense of where we were.
“Shit.” The pilot cursed and the shuttle climbed sharply before twisting and taking us back in the direction we had just come from. The green glow of a Klingon photon torpedo streaked past us before course correcting back to follow. The pilot weaved us through buildings in an attempt to break the torpedoes lock but it was no use, the torpedo continued to gain on us. With a wordless yell the pilot threw us into a roll and dove under a sign that spanned over the street. The torpedo, which was mere meters from us at this point, hit the sign and detonated, the shockwave tore through the shuttle's cabin. The pressure wave knocked my arm loose and I was thrown against the cockpit door. Pain shot up my right arm, no doubt making my fractured hand worse. The pilot chose this moment to climb and I was tossed into the pallet of canisters as I fell towards the open ramp, my cry of alarm drowned out by the roar of the engines. The impact cost me my headset and communicator, both falling out of the still climbing shuttle. I scrambled for purchase but it was no use, I was slipping on the smooth outer casings of the canisters. Another disruptor bolt struck the hull and I bounced off the canisters as the shuttle shook. I went weightless for a moment and started to fall towards the open ramp. I was in freefall now. This is how I was going to die.
A big red hand darted out, wrapped around mine and pulled, arresting my fall. Lieutenant Risi had caught me. His other arm was wrapped around Commander Foro’s torso, while she braced her legs on a gas canister and one of the folded wall seats. Risi dangled precariously between us, his legs kicking in the open air. I could see Commander Foro speaking but I couldn't make out anything without my headset. The shuttle suddenly pitched and I felt our grips start to slip. With a bellow Risi twisted his body and hurled me past him towards the cockpit door. I hit a knot of anchor cables as I flew past him and managed to slip my broken hand between a pair of them. With a scream of effort and pain in equal measure I swung my other hand around and locked my wrists together. Finally, I was secure again. The shuttle banked, leveling out and we fell back to the deck. I realized my heart was racing.
My relief was short-lived as the ugly prow of a Ki’Tang maneuvered to fill the space behind us. For the second time in less than a minute I stared my own death in the face. I could actually see the chin mounted disruptor swivel to take aim at the open space in the back of the shuttle. A new sound suddenly joined the cacophony of the shuttle engines and the wind whipping past us. The sound of Federation phasers! The Ki’Tang glowed for an instant as its structure collapsed and then blew apart in a shower of shrapnel. The space it had occupied behind us was briefly filled by a federation shuttle, no doubt the Savitskya. That was Ensign Grants bird, the pilot who I had admonished only a few hours ago when I had been desperate for painkillers. Commander Foro whooped over the roar of the wind around us. The sound of phasers sounded again and again. The Savitskya had managed to draw our other pursuers attention. As much as I wanted the Baumgartner to stay to keep the odds in our favor, the cargo we carried was too important. I gestured to Commander Foro to pass me her headset.
“Pilot,” I said once I finished strapping the headset to my head. “Put us back on our original course. This cargo is too important. The Savitskya can look after herself.” it took our pilot a moment to respond, clearly torn between the mission and orders versus fighting alongside their fellow pilot.
“Aye-aye ma’am.” came the response. The shuttle leveled out after making a wide turn to put us back on our original heading. We were treated to an incredible display of aerial acrobatics out the open hatch as the Savitskya and the other Ki’Tang duel in the sky over New Jerusalem. I had no idea the Resolute possessed such a talented cadre of shuttle pilots. If we survived this, I would make sure they were all decorated for this action. The aerial duel moved past us and we settled into the relative quiet of the flight.
The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.
Finally feeling like I wasn't about to die, I leaned against the shuttled bulkhead, letting my arms support my weight for a moment. My heart was still racing and I struggled to get it under control. To my own surprise the only thing I could think about was Sala. I hoped she was both ok and hadn’t been aware of what had happened during the dogfight. A thought crossed my mind, unbidden, bringing me back to what Sala had asked me as we had walked back to the medical tent. “What would you like to call me?” She had asked. An innocuous question, but one up until this moment I had struggled with. My recent pair of near-death experiences had made everything so simple. I knew I had to tell her, and soon, but I wanted to wait for the right moment.
We touched down near Commander Fanes command post, sustaining a few stray hits from handheld disruptors fired at us from the Klingon lines, none of which were powerful enough to threaten a Class C shuttlecraft. Our flight pass over Federation lines did afford me a good look at the Klingon positions at least. They had used the targs charge to advance unhindered and dug in only a few hundred meters from our emplacements. This negated our twin advantages of the length of the approach and the lack of cover. However, it did mean the Klingon troops were closer to the irrigation outflows and thus our ace in the hole.
The Command post was a small group of outbuildings converted into usable structures. The civilian volunteers had also leveled the ground and used some of the nearby farming vehicles to create tall earthen berms to protect a newly created assemblage area behind the group of structures. Commander Fane and a team of engineers ran out of one of the buildings that was crowned with newly bolted on sensor towers and transmission antennas to greet us. A few of our positions returned fire on the enemy that had revealed themselves by firing on our shuttle which only added to the noise of the shuttle's engines winding down. As soon as I felt the nacelles touch solid ground I was back up on my feet and disentangling my arms from the support straps. Legs wobbling from the adrenaline I walked unsteadily from the shuttle and down the ramp.
“Hell of a fight Captain!” Commander Fane called as he approached over the whine of the engines powering down. I waved to him, still far too high strung to reply. My officers exited next, Commander Foro helping Lieutenant Risi down the ramp. From the look of it he had a dislocated shoulder, no doubt from him hurling me back into the shuttle. Lastly Sala ran down the ramp and straight at me.
“Sala wait!” but it was no use, she either couldn't hear me or didn't care. She threw her arms around me and hugged me tightly.
“I was so scared, all I could think about was that open ramp and the three of you back there.” I opted to return the hug, despite the presence of half of my senior staff. I let her hold me for a moment, choosing to block everything else out and just exist as the two of us for an instant. I thought about trying to tell her that nothing had happened but decided against it. Not only would it deny the incredible bravery of my crew, but it would also be a lie. I wouldn't be doing that anymore.
“I need a moment, Sala.” I moved to break the hug and her arms relaxed. Our pilot, who I finally recognized as Ensign Yukimura, had joined the rest of my officers. This was as good a time as any to acknowledge what the three of them had done.
“Watch this.” I bent down and whispered in Sala’s ear. She nodded at me, falling in behind as I walked toward the assembled officers.
“Lieutenant Risi, Lieutenant Commander Foro and Ensign Yukimura, on me please.” I called over the commotion of the command area to the crew members who had been with me on the shuttle. The rest of the assembled personnel quieted and turned to witness what was about to happen. The three of them formed up in front of me. I felt bad about keeping Risi from a medic, but I didn't want anyone to miss what I had to say. Taking a deep breath I began.
“Lieutenant Commander, Lieutenant, Ensign. I have no way of making this official right now, but I want it known by everyone present that I will be putting all three of your names forward for the Starfleet Medal of Commendation. Not only did you go above and beyond to protect our critical cargo, but you also saved my life.” I moved in front of Lieutenant Risi and extended my hand. He took it and I thanked him personally. I repeated the same action with both Commander Foro, and Ensign Yukimura, congratulating them on their performance during the mission. As I finished shaking Ensign Yukimura's hand a cheer went up from the assembled crew. The cheer itself was ragged and lacked the gusto of a full parade ground salute, no doubt due to fatigue, but it still filled me with pride to hear it.
“Thank you again.” I added after the cheering died down. “I’m afraid I can't dismiss you for some well-earned R&R. Commander Foro, take charge of deploying the gas, take any personnel you may require. Lieutenant, get that arm seen too. Ensign, we might need to leave in a hurry, so I want you on standby. Dismissed.” With that, the gaggle of officers broke apart. A group of them followed Commander Foro towards a cluster of low outbuildings while others returned to their position on the front or began the process of unloading the shuttle. In the commotion I lost track of Sala. Before I had a chance to look for her, Commander Fane cornered me.
“Let's talk, Captain. Somewhere out of the way.” I nodded and he led me to the far side of the Baumgartner out of earshot of the officers around us. Once we were hidden, he started speaking.
“How was it back at the command post? Bray told me about what happened.” He glanced down at my hand, still strapped into the osseous regenerator.
“Official numbers put us at four dead twenty-two wounded.” I replied. I had managed to get the casualty figures from Doctor Truong’s desk before departing, though this was the first instance I had spoken the numbers aloud.
“Any of ours?” Commander Fane asked, his lips drawn into a nervous line.
“Somehow no, the four are all local. Some of ours are counted in the wounded though. The doctors taking care of them, Marcus, they’ll all be ok.” I tried to be reassuring.
“Numbers are about the same here too. Crewperson Howard was killed by a targ, and Ensign Jeon took a disruptor bolt in the initial skirmish.” Damn, that was two of my crew who had died for my decision, not counting those aboard the Resolute.
“Risi’s going to take Ensign Jeon’s death badly, she was one of his favorite team leaders.” I said quietly. I was angry I couldn't recall anything about crewperson Howard. It was my fault for not making the time to learn more about the crew who I was responsible for, and I didn’t even know enough about the man to mourn him properly.
“I’m going to wait a bit before breaking the news to him, he looked pretty banged up.” Commander Fane added after a moment.
“He has every right to take a break. It's entirely due to his reflexes that I'm not a stain on some New Jerusalem street.” I sighed. Commander Fane raised an eyebrow, but I shot him a look that said drop it. I had no interest in explaining just how close I had come to death in the back of that shuttlecraft. We stood in silence for a moment, neither of us sure what to say next. Eventually I broke the awkward quiet.
“Her plan might actually work, Marcus. I had a good look at the Klingon positions while we flew in. They're too close to the colony’s irrigation system. That's how we’re going to deploy the gas. I had a PADD that explained more, but I think it's currently shattered on a street somewhere over there.” I gestured to the center of the colony to illustrate my point before speaking again. “We have a problem though. We don't have anywhere near enough rebreathers for the entire line. We’re going to have to pull most of our troops back before we launch the gas. Can I trust you to handle organizing that?”
“Absolutely captain.”
“Good, we need to make sure the Klingons don't figure out that we’re moving our troops or why. That's when I would attack if I were them. We need something to draw their attention away from our line.” I could see the gears in the Commander's head grinding as he thought about how best to do this.
“You’re not going to like this Captain, but I think there's a way. We need the Klingons to be paying attention to something other than our movements. We know their sensors are better than ours, we must assume they have coverage across the entirety of the western approach.” I could already tell where this was heading and Marcus was right, I really didn't like it. He continued.
“We need to attack them somewhere and with enough force to keep them occupied.” he said, a distant look in his eyes. “That means a sizable force, and one that won’t break and run once it starts getting difficult. That means it's down to us Captain.” With this he tapped the KLICOM delta on his uniform's breast. “That also means we’ll need to pull our teams away from the transport inhibitors, which is a risk in and of itself. We’ll need most if not all the security department, some of the personnel Sally has on overwatch plus medics from Allans mob. I’ll also take volunteers from the other departments and the Baumgartner and Savitskya if they can be spared.”
“Wait Marcus slow down, what do you mean you?” I replied. I hated that he had already volunteered himself to lead this. Something this risky was the captain's responsibility. How would I ever show my face in front of my crew if I didn't do this with them?
“Captain…” He started but I wasn't done.
“I agree with you alright, It's a solid idea. But there's no way you and forty some security officers can just rush the entire Klingon position. Even with a shuttle cover. I can't ask any of you to do it and I certainly can't stay behind!” I was animated at this point, pacing around our secluded spot, grateful that none of my crew could see us or were paying us any mind.
“Captain…” He insisted again, but I carried on, heedless of his input.
“We’ve already lost two ships and their crews, at least six people are dead with almost fifty injured. Too many people have died because I was too stubborn to cut our losses and back down. I’m not sending any more people to their deaths alright!” I was shouting at this point and I could feel tears start to burn in the corner of my eyes. “I can't keep doing it. I can't keep killing people. This isn't what I joined Starfleet for! I wanted to take the risks, not force others to take them for me!” Shaking with anger I rested my arm against the side of the Baumgartner. Leaning my head on my forearm to cover my face, I took a moment to focus on my breathing and get myself under control. I was tired, sure, but this was more. I had accidentally confronted my personal demons directly in front of my first officer. This was absolutely something he didn't need to see. I could at least blame this moment of vulnerability on the stims if it came to that. With a sharp breath, I raised my head and turned back to him.
“Ok Commander, here's what you’re going to do. You’re going to give me a detailed explanation of this plan in the next hour. Not just who and what you need, but how you do it, and how you get out after. It needs to make sense and not just be some pointless charge or last stand. Do I make myself clear?” Harsher than I had wanted, but I needed him to understand the severity of my feelings around the plan. He stiffened as I spoke, reminiscent of a cadet being dressed down.
“Yes Captain.” He replied, his voice perfectly neutral. I continued.
“Good. I meant what I said, it's a good plan. But too many people have already died, and I won't let you or anyone else throw their lives away with unnecessary heroics.” He made a face as if I had just said something distasteful. When he responded again his voice was lower with an undercurrent of fury in it.
“No one's planning on doing that Captain, least of all me. I’ll have the plan ready for you within the hour.” With that he spun on his heel and stalked off towards the makeshift command post. I took a deep breath and leaned against the shuttle. Had I just ruined my relationship with my first officer? My mind had been racing ever since my near death above the colony and I was having issues thinking clearly. I screwed my eyes shut, trying to concentrate on anything to ground myself but nothing was working. My mind wouldn't clear and I had too much nervous energy to focus on trying to fix it. With a wordless yell, I started walking to try to work out some of this, not really focused on where I was going.
I passed the command post as I walked back towards the city away from the line. I also passed what appeared to be the casualty collection point for this section of the line. The blue uniformed medics racing between the beds in the open-air aid station paid me no mind. I passed a supply yard, packed high with munitions originally intended for the colony. I passed small knots of Starfleet officers, brotherhood soldiers and Suliban volunteers who sat in the shadows of buildings or leaned against fences trying to find a moment's peace in all of this. I eventually found myself at a small collection of modular civilian tents. These appeared to be occupied by the Suliban, and small groups of them moved between the tents carrying oversized pots, bundles of vegetables and boxes of Starfleet ration packs. Intrigued, I followed a cluster of them carrying pots into a large tent. Whatever was in them smelled like real food. The tent itself had been turned into an impromptu mess hall and at the long tables sat small pockets of Suliban alongside members of my ships crew. I stopped in the doorway and gawked. I had no idea this place had existed and would certainly not have settled for another miserable Starfleet ration when the possibility of a home cooked meal existed.
“Grab a tray or grab a seat, you’re holding up the line.” A gruff voice called to me. I looked to see an older Suliban standing at a table surrounded by trays of food, holding a ladle. Completely dumbfounded on how to answer, I turned and walked out the tent without a word. I still hadn’t worked out all the nervous energy I was struggling with. Plus, I had felt like I was intruding on something not meant for me. That tent had been an oasis of tranquility away from the fighting and experiencing that right now was something I would be able to survive. I cast my eyes around the rest of the tents, looking for some sign of stability; a person I knew or a location I was familiar with. Fortunately, at that moment fate saw fit to deliver me a lifeline.
“I thought that was you.” Sala said from behind me, emerging from the mess tent. I turned to her and she continued. “I was following your advice. Eat when you can right?” She hugged me.
“Hello Sala.” I replied, returning her hug. She squeezed me for a moment before letting go and stepping back to look at me. A concerned look fell across her face.
“Are you feeling alright Niah?” She asked me, cocking her head slightly. I could hear the worry in her voice and my first instinct was to return to my old mantra. The rational part of my brain was screaming the words deflect, reassure, manage at me, but I shoved it down in favor of being honest.
“No, I’m not. I just shouted my first officer into submission when all he was trying to do was be realistic about our situation. I think I might have ruined our working relationship. Plus, I’m full of nervous energy and can't relax or focus. But somehow, I’m also the most exhausted I have ever been.” I was pacing again. Sala grabbed my hand to stop me and try to focus my attention on her.
“Niah come with me.” She tugged at my hand insistently and I followed. She led me to a small row of young trees, clearly planted by the colonists. “Sit.” She commanded. I was in no state to argue, so I sat with my back on one of the trees. It bent a bit under my weight but remained upright. Pulling my legs up to my chest, I let out a sigh and hung my head between them. The stillness of the moment was only broken by the occasional twitter of a bid and the incessant tapping of my left foot. I had managed to channel most of my nervous energy there at least.
“Talk to me Niah, what's happened?” Sala had sat next to me. I could hear the worry in her voice.
“I almost died in that shuttle, Sala. I didn't want to tell you before, I figured I would be able to just shove it down like everything else, but for some reason it isn't working this time.” I replied quietly, my head still hanging between my knees. “It's not like this is the first time I’ve almost died, not by a long shot. But that shuttle was different and I don't know why. Am I a coward now Sala?” That had to be it. I couldn't even bear to look at her right now so I squeezed my eyes shut instead and waited for the inevitable sound of her getting up to leave. I was taken completely by surprise when instead she surprised me by leaning into me and wrapping her arm around my shoulders.
“I think this time is different.” She replied. “I think that you’re not used to this.” I was floored. She said that with such confidence. I had been in Starfleet for almost twenty years. I was used to danger, the pressures of command and I told her as much.
“I don't mean all of that, I mean you’re not used to mattering. You’ve never been in a situation where the stakes have been so high for so many and the pressures getting to you. It's completely understandable by the way. No one is ready to deal with this.” She elaborated. “Plus, I have a feeling this,” She squeezed my shoulder for emphasis, “isn’t exactly familiar to you. I think you’re not used to feeling like you have a reason to survive and you don't know what to do now that you do.” She had me dead to rights, that had to be the truth. Everything Cserr and I had talked about as well as whatever was developing between Sala and I. Add in the ever more apparent fact that not only did the crew respect me as a captain, but also believed in me to the mix and I was feeling like a completely different person.
“I…I think you’re right.” I finally managed to say. “How did you know?”
“I’ve been following you around this place for over a day now. I’ve been able to pick up on the little things.” She gave my shoulder another squeeze before continuing. “You probably don't notice it and I don't think they would ever tell you, but your crew love you, Niah. I’ve had a few private moments where I’ve been able to talk with them about you and you would not believe some of the praise they’ve given you. Before you ask, a lot of it was in confidence, so I will not be repeating it, but I think this situation is starting to force you to see how important you are to the people around you.” She was right of course. Even though I was surprised to hear her words, what she was saying made sense. I laughed.
“For a class three warp field technician you’re pretty insightful, you know that?” I replied, adopting a more cheerful tone. What she had said had managed to reassure me.
“I’m going to take that as a compliment.” She shot back sarcastically, but I could tell she was in good spirits.”
“I meant it as just that and nothing else.” She unwrapped her arm from around me so she could playfully shove me as a reply. It was surprising enough that I sprawled out on the ground. Sala laughed, covering her mouth with one hand.
“I didn't think I pushed you that hard!” she said through her laughter.
“I’m tired, so you got the drop on me. Not a chance you could do that if I was at my best!” I retorted, my laughter joining hers.
“We’re going to need you at your best, Niah, so why don't you stay down there and take a break. I’ll keep an eye out for anyone looking for you and I still have that communicator you gave me yesterday. Since you don't seem to have yours anymore.” I was in no position to argue this, so I rolled onto my back and stretched out. I found myself staring at the sky under the shade of a tree for the second time and I could feel the siren song of sleep aching in my body.
“Thanks Sala, for everything.” I mumbled, yawning. I could feel every ache in my body returning. She patted my leg in response.
“Have a good nap captain.” She replied softly. With that I closed my eyes and sleep finally took me.