Chapter 244 - A Demon's Tears
Yaan felt as if time had frozen.
Throughout his life, he had encountered many strange things. He knew that his identity was probably not that of an ordinary human.
He had learned of the Primordial Devil in the Southern Continent. He learned about the Primordial Devil’s problematic reincarnation, and he learned that he was supposedly one of the Primordial Devil’s five dao soul fragments. He was told that he was the core fragment…
The fact that Yaan had seen those karmic strings which connected him to many things he had never seen before, strongly suggested that there was some truth behind him being a reincarnated person. After meeting the Fragment of Blood, Yaan became certain that the inheritance on Planet Yushu was actually created by the Primordial Devil himself…
He had always felt doubtful about himself being this ‘Fragment of Dao’, the so called ‘core fragment’. It simply made no sense for him to be the core of the Primordial Devil’s dao. After all, he and that devil were far too different, whilst the Fragment of Blood was practically identical to the devil of the past!
But despite his doubts, Yaan did not come to any solid conclusions. He prevented himself from overthinking it too heavily, because much of the ‘evidence’ he had seen was questionable at best, and highly suspicious at worst.
The fact that he was forever being manipulated behind the scenes only added to his doubts…
He had considered many possibilities, but until now, they were merely possibilities, absurd sounding ideas that could easily be dismissed as farfetched delusions. But now, Yaan was presented not with a mere possibility, but with the absolute truth…
He was the Primordial Devil’s heart demon. He was the thing that all cultivators, or perhaps all living beings in this world, hated and feared more than anything else. He was not born in a natural, typical manner, but instead, he was born from the self-doubt in the Primordial Devil’s dao heart…
The only purpose of his existence was to destroy the Primordial Devil’s dao heart…but he was innately connected to the Primordial Devil. Destroying the Primordial Devil…would also result in the destruction of his own self.
What was this?
What sort of truth was this?
All his life, he had been obsessively searching for the truth, fighting against the pain, the misery, all the difficulties this life threw at him, all because he felt determined to find the truth. Now, Yaan had found that truth…he had accomplished everything he set out to do…he had fulfilled his greatest wish...
Yaan was a ruthless demon…he had become heartless, cutting off his own emotions, hurting both himself and everyone around him…
Yet when he was confronted with the truth, two streams of tears poured down from Yaan’s eyes. Honestly, when was the last time that he had truly, actually cried? It had been so long that he couldn’t even remember…
“This is what I was fighting for?” Yaan muttered, bitterness filling his tone. “This is the truth that I was searching for, all this time?”
Suddenly, Yaan laughed, but his laugh was filled with despair, and a hint of mocking towards himself.
“I endured endlessly, I was always so determined to live on, resolved to find the truth…but this truth…is not what I wanted…”
Yaan was shocked by the truth, and he hated this truth he had been shown…however, there was another reason that, in this moment, he broke down completely.
For hundreds of years, he had endured countless hardships, he had turned himself into a monster, he had committed unspeakable atrocities…but he was able to endure it, because he had a goal.
But now, he had achieved that goal…
He had finally succeeded! Only…
This goal was not sweet, but bitter, And now that he had achieved all that he had ever wished to achieve, he no longer possessed a single trace of motivation to go on. The drive behind his crazed perseverance had been quenched the very moment he achieved ‘success’.
“I don’t…I don’t want this truth!” Suddenly, Yaan’s expression became fierce. He roared out towards the world, the heavenly dao, the Primordial Devil, and to himself.
“This cannot be the truth! If this is the truth…then what was the point of it all?! If this is really all there is to my life, and there is nothing left to fight for…then what reason do I have to continue living?!”
As if responding to his crazed, rage-filled cries of despair, the second illusion vanished, and the final illusion began.
When Yaan found himself again sitting on his wooden bed in Zong Village, wearing a conflicted expression as he contemplated whether or not he really had it in him to kill 100 people, his heart sank into the abyss.
This time, Yaan not only experienced this scene, he simultaneously saw it from the heavenly dao’s perspective. Because of this, he was able to clearly see the changes to his dao heart and even his dao soul, for the first time in his sorrowful life.
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“No…” Yaan muttered miserably, clenching his fists tight shut as he watched from an omniscient viewpoint. “Not this…don’t show me this again…I don’t want to see this, not now that I know what I truly am…”
There were three illusions in this tribulation. The first, showed Yaan everything that he had done which impacted his dao heart in some significant way. The second, showed him the truth behind his existence. The third, was exactly the same as the first, only now, Yaan would be unable to turn a blind eye to his grievously injured dao heart and soul.
Yaan finally understood that the heavenly dao was too malicious…to use truth to hurt him like this…
When Yaan saw his younger self, he finally saw the pain in his heart and soul. His dao soul was born from the doubt in another being’s dao heart, meaning that his own dao soul had never been whole, it had never been perfect like everyone else’s…
It was for this reason that Yaan had always felt lonely, separated from other people by a distance that he could only now understand.
The dao soul had no appearance as such, but when Yaan looked at his younger self’s dao soul through the eyes of the heavenly dao, he could see it clearly. It was a white figure that closely resembled himself, only, tiny black cracks covered the entire dao soul, ruining its purity and tainting its existence.
Finally, Yaan understood…these cracks across his dao soul had existed from the moment of his birth. He was inherently flawed. He was a being designed for the sole purpose of destroying another being, along with himself. He was never meant to live for this long, he was never meant to become an independent existence…
As the young Yaan sat on his bed, deliberating over what he should do with this moral dilemma, Yaan watched him with a bitter expression, which only became countless times more bitter when he heard the words which eventually came from his young self’s mouth.
“I don’t want to kill anyone…” The young boy muttered in frustration.
Yaan could only laugh with tears streaming down his cheeks. The first time he re-experienced this moment, he disregarded these naïve words as the ignorant mutterings of a child. But now…
“I never wanted to become a monster. I’m a heart demon, a malicious entity by my birth right, and yet, I never wanted to kill anyone…I never wanted to become a monster, because I never wanted to be like the Primordial Devil…”
Finally, the young Yaan spoke with resolve after a full night of contemplation.
“Then…I just need to kill evil people?”
Sadness filled Yaan’s eyes as he watched his young self’s dao soul became slightly more twisted.
“No…” Yaan muttered, watching his young self approaching Xinti. He tried to reach out, he tried to stop him, he tried to change the truth; but he could not.
When Yaan watched his childish self kill for the first time, the bitter feeling in his heart grew stronger. Just like when he had decided to kill, killing for the first time also caused the cracks in his dao soul to become slightly more prominent. Of course, right now, they were extremely minute, but Yaan finally realised what he was about to watch unfold…
Each time he walked against his heart, he would inflict further damage upon his dao soul. Not only could he feel the pain emanating from his young self’s dao soul, but as Yaan watched his past play out before him, he finally, slowly, became aware of that very same pain within his current self.
He killed Xinti, he killed the innocent girl by mistake…he slaughtered the children in Zong Village in a fit of madness, even going so far as killing his childhood friend, Jash.
Back then, Yaan blamed that boy for betraying them, but really, he was just a scared, pitiful child, doing his best to survive in a cruel world…
The young Yaan entered the Heavenly Path Sect. He was convinced by his teacher to kill prisoners, and eventually, he reached the required number of 100, allowing him to truly step onto the path of cultivation.
Yaan watched with a pained expression as he saw his young self being completely blinded by rage and his desire for revenge. This rage existed within him from the moment of his birth, because this was a portion of the Primordial Devil’s rage. By embracing this rage, he was slowly becoming that which he hated…
He ignored the kind people around him. He ignored Elia, his childhood friend who clearly wanted to reconnect with him, despite his obvious attempts to distance himself from her…
Every action he took walked against his heart. Every time the scene changed, Yaan saw his past self doing something that previously, he was able to watch with indifference. Now though, he knew the truth. With this understanding of the truth, his perspective had completely shifted.
Before, he watched his life unfold, thinking that he had done what needed to be done in order to stick to his path. He killed, he became a monster, he ignored his heart and betrayed his own beliefs, but at least he had a proper reason for doing so; he had a goal.
Originally, that goal was simply to survive, and to obtain revenge. Of course, the revenge didn’t work out…
But then, after Yaan steadily came to terms with the devastation he left behind in the Heavenly Path Sect, he sought out a new goal.
He fought through the dark forest, learning that he could only trust and rely on himself in this world.
He entered North Ghu City, gaining a deeper understanding of the cultivation world, and what was needed in order to thrive. At this point, he had still been confused, but he knew that he needed to go on, if only to at least find his purpose in this life.
In the inheritance, Yaan was made aware of various things. Especially in the true-false illusion world, for the first time, he realised that his life…was not as simple as it had seemed.
Having already walked the path of ruthlessness to find his purpose, Yaan was able to continue on, now with a clear goal in mind. He wanted to understand why it was that he was bound by some twisted fate, he wanted to understand the nature behind his existence, and he…wanted to resist his so-called fate!
The Southern Continent. Yaan did not kill much in the Southern Continent, and when he did kill, he only killed those captives whom were captured by the Fragment of Qi.
But there was a turning point during Yaan’s time spent in the Southern Continent.
For a period of time, whilst Yaan was searching for dao by travelling the lands, he ended up in a mortal village. In order to find an answer to his question, ‘what is dao?’, he imposed an illusion upon himself, convincing himself that he was a mortal…
For months, he lived as a mortal. He experienced mortal life, the good, the bad, and finally…the inevitable.
All mortal life ended in death. All happiness was temporary, and without strength, nothing could be protected. Allowing yourself to be restrained by anything other than the pursuit of absolute strength, especially by emotions, would only hold you down.
Yaan convinced himself that he had no heart. That was the conclusion he came to after watching the old woman who had cared for him, Granny Ging, die, in a fit of dementia and indignity.
Yaan had watched this during the first illusion in this tribulation, and back then, it shook him slightly, causing him to feel that something was amiss. Back then, however, he was still firm in his beliefs…he neither possessed a heart, nor did he need to possess a heart!
Everything Yaan had experienced and everything Yaan desired, including his yearning to learn the truth, and to resist his fate, led him to this conclusion.
Now, however, as Yaan watched the cracks across his dao soul explode out, afflicting his dao heart and soul with such an unbearable agony that he suddenly gasped out loud in shock and torment, he finally realised the truth.
In this moment, the illusion that Yaan had placed upon himself, began to fall down…
However, the truth hidden behind the illusion, was simply too much for Yaan to bear. He resisted the truth, rejecting it, trying to convince himself that it was not the case, it was not true…
He endured the pain, but unfortunately, the illusion was far from over.
Yaan entered the Blood Plane.
He killed…he killed…he killed so, so many people.
As the torment afflicting his younger self’s dao soul in the illusion grew stronger, the illusion that Yaan had placed on himself all those years ago, crumbled further and further.
The more he killed, the more pain he felt.
At a certain point, he became silent, watching with a tormented expression, as tears ran down his face. He watched the scene of him massacring endlessly, heartlessly, harming himself in the process of claiming the lives of millions…billions…
Trillions of people.
The number of innocent people to suffer due to Yaan's actions had reached the tens of trillions.
This thought lingered in Yaan’s mind as the final illusion came to an end. He was left alone, in a black, empty space. The heavenly dao was no longer doing anything to him, and from here, the result of this tribulation was entirely dependant on Yaan himself.