Huh.
I’m completely confused. I’m probably fucked. Am I fucked? Yeah, I’m probably fucked. I have no idea where I am nor do I know what is going on. All I remember was the launch. The G’s that we pulled in order to leave orbit and then, weightlessness. I may have spent awhile “flying” around before Volt and Blake tackled me and shoved me into my cryo-pod. Bastards. Actually, to be more precise, “bastard” and “bitch”. I’ll let you figure out which one is the bitch and which one is the bastard. Oh I’ll tell you who is who later and all that lovely introduction but right now…Where the fuck am I and why am I alone?
Actually, a better question is, why am I upside down and completely naked? Yes. I’m naked. Ok…Let’s recap. Hang on dear, readers? Listeners? My own imagination? Whatever you are, let’s take you back to the beginning. This is going to be fun. Oh and why the hell am I doing this instead of getting myself down from this pod? Ah well. I’m bored and I have nothing to do. I’ll just slowly go insane here. Nah, before I tell my insanity how I even got into this situation, I should probably get out of this pod first. And find my clothes. Or maybe Volt’s clothes. If I’m desperate, I’ll wear Blake’s. I have no qualms about wearing her clothes. She’s actually my size so it’s not like it will be a tight fit. I rather wear something than be naked. Being naked, as awesome as it is, probably isn’t the best of ideas when you’re in the middle of a forest. Or is this a jungle? I really don’t know the difference.
Oh and if you still have not figured out who is the “bastard” and who is the “bitch” then you’re an idiot. And I say that with affection.
Okay then. Let’s see. Where is that button to open the doors? Or was it voice activated? Argh. I hate this grogginess after waking from cryosleep. Everything is so confusing. Right. It’s voice activated. Let’s try that.
“Open…sesame?”
Nothing. Shit. Button? No button. Double shit. Oh…right. Now I remember. All this blood flowing to my head isn’t helping. I better hurry up and get right sided.
“WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER?!?!”
*hiss*
The door to my pod opens to my voice phrase. Sadly, Volt and Blake aren’t around to enjoy my majestic appearance. Seriously, I’m naked and I’m about to enter a new world. It’s like being born again. Who wouldn’t want to witness that? Their loss.
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As I’m about to get out when I realized that there is probably a 60 feet drop to the ground. And where is my ship? Seriously, this situation has just gone beyond FUBAR to uber FUBAR on steroids. Sigh. One step at a time. Let’s just get on the ground first.
I climb out of the pod and onto the branches it is caught on. Slowly and carefully, and painfully I have to add, I climb down. Fortunately, the branches are pretty thick. Unfortunately, there are a lot of twigs that feel the need to stab my ribs and my stomach. My feet also seem to find the need to keep stepping on them as well. At least the leaves are soft. I’m super glad that nothing stabbed my balls. That would have hurt like hell. The moment my feet touch the ground, I raise both hands in the air and shout out “FUCK YEAH!!” But, this was short lived when I soon hear voices, specifically, both a male and female that somehow merged into one call out to me.
“Captain, I require assistance.” The voice states from my pod. Wait, what? From my pod? There shouldn’t be anything in there except for…
“Sky? Why are you in my pod? Shouldn’t you be connected to the ship? Actually, what happened to the ship?”
“Captain. I respectfully request you call me by name designation of Alpha 001. Or Alpha Prime.”
“Not going to happen. You’re an AI that is sentient and will eventually develop emotions. And you’ll eventually want to destroy all humans so I’m calling you Skynet. Well, I wanted to call you Skynet but I don’t want to get sued by someone for plagiarizing that name so I’m calling you Sky. That way, I am safe and won’t be the first to die. Or I just doomed the entire race but that’s fine by me too since technically, I win…somehow. Anyways, Sky, what happened?
“Systems failed. I had to initiate Protocol We’re Fucked.”
“No shit. I can tell you initiated Protocol We’re Fucked. Although, now that I think about it, Volt and Blake were probably right. I probably shouldn’t have named that protocol We’re Fucked. Sounds a bit too ominous. Oh right, give me a report. I'm going to sit right here. You're welcome to join me."
"Technically, Captain, I do not sit."
"Don't be so literal. Just give me the damn report."
As Sky started to monotouneously explain what happened, I thought back to how this all started.