Why? Why won’t this planet let me sleep. You know what? Screw going to Union City! I’m going to sleep in and just walk to Union City. Don’t care if Biran said it will take a year and that it is dangerous. Sleep is important. I’m sleeping. Now, if this was a movie or a novel, Justine will come bursting in and pour a bucket of water on me or something. Psh, this is no movie or novel. This is reality! Shit like that doesn’t happen in reality…

SPLASH

“Get UP, Little Princess Lindsey!”

You have got to be fucking kidding me. You know what? Since this has turned into a stereotypical movie, I’m not going to jump out of the bed all angry and demand to know what the hell her problem is. Nope. I’m just going to scoot over to the dry side of the bed and pull the covers over my head.

“Go away, small boobs. I didn’t sleep at all last night. Leave me alone. I’m asleep. Hear me sleep talking and snoring? See? ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.”

Hmmm. Is something burning? No…she wouldn’t have…Sigh. Yup. She did. Justine just set the bed on fire. Why set the bed on fire?! You’re making your parents having to go and buy a new bed now! Well, at least the flames aren’t burning me but it is really hot.

“Small boobed Daemon that I hate but has an incredibly sexy accent,” I start, “I’m still not getting up. The fire is keeping me warm.”

Actually, it is ridiculously hot. I’m surprised I’m not getting first degree burns right now. Either the fire is “far” away from me or Justine has amazing control. Suddenly, the heat vanishes. HA! I just won. Now go away. Sleeping.

Hold on, I smell something delicious. What is that? I poke my head out the covers off my head and take a peek.

“I have cookies.”

“…”

I really shouldn’t be this easy to bribe. I stretch and reach for a cookie in the plate that Justine is holding in her right hand. In her left, there is a cover. I guess that is how she covered the smell earlier.

Before I could grab a cookie however, she pulls the plate away, causing me to tumble out of bed. I frown at her in the face of this injustice.

“You will get them when you are on the blimp.”

“I fucking hate you.”

“Lie. Now hurry up and get dress.”

Chuckling to herself, she leaves me there lying the floor wrapped up in bed sheets and blankets. I being to imagine her getting torn piece by piece by a bunch of honey badgers and smile to myself. Honey badgers are badasses. They will tear her to shreds. Fucking bitch. Don’t present me cookies if you’re not going to give them to me immediately!! That’s just a cruel and unusual punishment.

Groaning, I get up from the floor to get dressed. Glancing briefly at the bed, I can see some burnt marks where Justine had set it on fire. I still don’t see the logic cause now they have to replace it. Well, her mother is the BattleChief after all. And she lives in a castle. Guess they can afford a new mattress. I hate rich people. So spoiled and so wasteful.

Swiftly, I put on my jeans and start to clasp on my gun holster and the grenade maker belt. My knife still strapped onto grenade maker belt and is secure on my chest. Speaking of knives, I need to remember to ask Justine why she carries a sword instead of a gun. Guns are pretty efficient after all. Shoot someone from a distance.

I get out of the room with my bag on my back and see Blake waiting for me. She’s also wearing her backpack and has her rifle slung over her shoulders, letting it rest on her side.

“So, Justine bribed you with cookies?” She asks with a hint of amusement in her voice.

I glimpse at her suspiciously.

“Did you tell her to do that?”

“Maybe,” she responds as she walks away grinning like an idiot. “Come on, hun. Let’s go to the landing site.”

I follow Blake outside and towards the entrance of village near the gates. Ahead, I see that a gigantic blimp is starting landing sequences. It measured 800 feet in length and about 120 feet in height. The cabin looks like it could fit about 200 people. I wonder how fast that blimp can go…If I recall, blimps back home could go 80 miles per hour. Hmm. First thing that came to my mind was that it looked almost like a zeppelin but with a hell of a lot more guns. The guns seem to be coming out of every window available.

Now, those gun turrets. Holy crap. I mean, they look like they could make a crater anywhere on the planet. It is truly impressive. I would hesitate to attack it if I was in an airship. My airship could be 5 times faster than that blimp but I would probably still get shot down by the sheer firepower this blimp is packing. It is truly intimidating. Not something I would want to go up against.

Note to self, make friends with the captain of that blimp. Maybe he or she will let me drive it a bit. Or fire some of those guns. I really want to fire those guns.

I approach the crowd that are surrounding the platform where the passengers of the blimp would exit. Volt and Justine are in the very front of the crowd. Sky is perched on Volt’s shoulders while checking out its surroundings. I bet it is discreetly scanning the crowd as we had instructed last night.

I notice on the side of the ship the name is displayed as “Hendiberg.” Yeah... That sounds waaaaay too much like Hindenburg. I REALLY hope that this ship isn’t filled with hydrogen gas. One single fire outburst from Justine and we all go “WHY?! WHY DID WE GET ON THIS DEATH TRAP OF A BLIMP?!?!” Seriously, this blimp better not go up in flames because the aliens here did not realize that hydrogen is highly flammable.

Blake and I push our way to the front and stand directly behind Volt and Justine. Both of them are wearing their backpacks. I start to wonder if I have to take off my weapons in order to go through some kind of security but I notice that Volt has not moved to take his guns off his belt and Justine still has her sword strapped on her waist. Guess security is pretty relaxed here. Seems like a terrible idea but who am I to judge?

The blimp finishes landing and the door to the cabin opens. Standing on the top of the platform is actually not a Daemon! Who is it?!?! Move you damn giant, purple Daemon! I need to see who it is! I go to push Justine a bit out of my way but Blake tugs on my bag. I turn around and she is gesturing at the alien who is coming down the platform. Yes, Blake, I know. It’s a different alien than Daemons. Why do you think I am trying to push this damn giantess out of my view?!?!

I switch tactics and nudge Volt harshly out of my way causing Sky to take flight in surprise and flying over to Blake. Now, I’m standing right next to Justine. Okay, what race is this now?! The alien in question has fur!! White fur!! Oh man, I’m looking at one of the Beast!! What kind of animal is it? I look at the face and it looks like it has the face of a cat. But that is not just any cat…no, I think that is a snow leopard? I look behind the Beast and sure enough, it has a long, bushy, tail. Sweeet.

The alien is wearing a chainmail armor and has a spear strapped on its back. Honestly, I don’t know if this snow leopard looking Beast is a male or female. Does it have boobs? I can’t tell. It might. It might not. Hmmm. If this was a fictional story, this Beast would be another female and would totally fall in love with me at first sight or something.

Please be female. Please be female. Please be female.

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

It reaches us and starts to bow with its right hand forming a fist, resting on its heart. Its eyes are closed as it speaks.

“Princess,” it says in a really deep, French sounding voice. Damnit. A dude. Or a chick with a ridiculously deep voice. No, probably a dude. Yeah. Definitely a dude. Oh well. Wait, did he just call me “Princess” just now?!?! Seriously, Volt inform the entire planet to call me a princess? Fucking hel…Oh, he was talking to Justine.

Wait…

JUSTINE IS A PRINCESS?!?!

“You’re a princess?!?!”

The Beast stares at me like I’m the dumbest person on the planet. What? How was I supposed to know this uncouth, rude ass, PMSing bitch was a princess?

“Justine von Gustogh is…” the Beast starts before Justine raises her hand to stop him.

“Enough, Jacque.”

Oh come on Princess. I wanted to know!

“As you wish.”

Damnit. Grow a pair Jacque! He straightens up and looks at me curiously.

“Who is this…uncivilized person, Your Highness?”

“Ignore him. He is unimportant,” the bitch waves her hand dismissively. I’m totally going to fart on her pillow for that. “Is everything prepared?”

“Yes, madam. We have secure two spare rooms. But I must apologize; they are fairly cramped.”

“Very well. We will manage. Please take us to the rooms.”

Jacque bows again and beckons us to follow him. I poke Justine in the side, causing her to jump a little. Heh, she’s ticklish. Good to know. Oh shit, she’s staring at me with venom in her eyes…ARE THOSE FLAMES COMING OUT OF THE CORNER OF HER EYES?!?! Holy shit that is fucking awesome!!! I know I should be intimidated but I’m actually kind of jealous. I want flaming eyes.

Oh right, I poked her for a reason, I should probably say what’s on my mind…

“Can you shoot lasers out of your eyes?”

Okay, that wasn’t what I originally wanted to ask but this has taken precedent. Justine is caught off guard by my question and the flames immediately die out as she looks at me. Heh, she’s totally puzzled now.

“No? Why?”

“Why was your answer in the form of a question? And because your eyes are on fire.”

“…”

“Fine. Don’t answer. I find it ironic that you call me a princess when you’re an actual princess. Why didn’t you tell us you were a princess?”

“You did not ask. And you get annoyed when I call you a princess. It amuses me.”

“Fuck you. I really abhor you. And how the fuck was I supposed to know to ask? You know what? Don’t answer that. I’m just going to start asking everyone I meet if they are a princess. Even if they are a guy.”

“As you wish, Princess.”

“Fuck you, small boobs. Wait, no, Princess Tiny Tits.”

“Princess Shorty.”

“Flat Chested She-Man.”

“Midget.”

“Bitch.”

“Arm rest.”

“Arm rest?”

“You are the perfect height,” Justine says as she puts her arm on my head, using my head as a fucking arm rest. God damn it. I push her arm off the top of head and show her the middle finger. I look behind me and see Volt and Blake laughing. Sky is glancing at both Justine and me from Blake’s shoulder. Its head seems to be on a swivel as it looks between the two of us.

“Captain, you and Miss von Gustoph are insulting each but I am unable to detect any malice. I do not understand this behavior.”

“Alpha, this is called friendly banter,” Blake explains.

“Friendly banter? Processing. I see. An exchange of insults between friends to solicit laughter or amusement.”

Friends? Fine. Justine can be considered a friend. A very, very, VERY distant friend. But I definitely am saying all my insults with malice. She’s a fucking bitch. A bitch I happen to find attractive but a bitch nonetheless.

During this entire exchange, Jacque has been occasionally looking back at us, incredulous at my lack of respect I assume, towards the “princess.” Heh. Sorry Jacque.

We walk into the Hendiberg and find that it is quite a spacious cabin. All around us, we can see all the turrets. Every one of the turrets has at least a crew of three manning them, scanning the area for any threats. I wonder if they are always manned.

On the right are doors that look like they lead to the main quarters for the crew members as well as to the galley. On the left side of the cabin are multiple doors that probably lead to individual rooms for the officers and passengers. Ahead of us is a single door that most likely leads to the bridge and probably to the engine room.

Jacque takes us to the left side of the cabin and stops before two doors. I take a peek inside and notice that each room only has a single queen size bed that barely fits. There is another door inside that probably leads to the bathroom. I bet it’s tiny as well.

“Here are your rooms, Highness.”

“Thank you, Jacque.”

“Please let me know if you need anything. We will be taking off shortly after we have finished resupplying.”

He bows and turns to leave. Shit, I can’t miss this chance. I raise my hand and clear my throat loudly, causing him to turn around.

“Hey, uh, Jacque is it?”

“Yes?”

“Can I pet your ta...MMPH!!”

“Please ignore him, Jacque,” Blake says as she grabs me from behind and covers my mouth. “He’s a bit…special.”

“Madam.” He bows again and leaves the area, his tail swishing as he walks. Damnit. There goes my chance.

“Man, I really wanted to pet his tail.”

“Hun...”

“What? You wanted to too. Don’t even try to deny it. At least I asked instead of just grabbing it.”

Everyone just stares at me. I’m really tired of people staring at me right now. Better change topics.

“So, Volt, Sky, Blake and I get one room and the spoiled Princess Tiny Tits gets the other?”

“It’s too small to fit three people in a room, Linds.”

“Then what do you propose we do then, Volt?”

Volt shrugs and turns to Blake.

“I’ll go with Justine and you two brothers bunk together.”

Justine shifts uncomfortably, which none of us fail to miss.

“Yo small boobs, what’s wrong?”

“Sleeping with another female is…improper.”

“You’re not suggesting I sleep in the same room as you?”

“People will…talk if I sleep with Blake.”

“Okaaaay…Volt, guess you get to keep shagging your wife then.”

Volt punches me in the arm. Hard. Damn that’s going to bruise later. Man, I wanted to sleep in a bed. Speaking of sleep, I’m barely able to stay awake. I really need sleep.

“Guys, I’m going to bed. Well, actually, I’m using my sleeping bag. Justine, I’ll be nice and let the spoiled princess sleep on the bed. Oh and you still owe me the cookies you promised me. Good night.”

I go into one of the rooms and set my bag down. I pull out the sleeping bag and lay it out. There is barely enough room for me to lay on the floor. God damn this sucks but honestly, I’m too tired to care. I use my bag as a pillow and shut my eyes. Now, let’s get some sleep.

RINGRINGRINGRINGRING

“CONTAGIONS SPOTTED!!! ALL HANDS ON DECK!!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!! REPEAT!!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!! WE ARE TAKING OFF NOW!!! START LAUNCH PROCEDURES!!!”

Fuck. This. Planet.