Have you ever eaten chicken and deer in the same meal? No? Well, you’re missing out. Cause this animal tasted like a deer and a chicken (with the chicken actually being a lizard) merged into awesomeness. You know what you should do? Go get some chicken and deer meat, put them in a blender, and blend that shit up! Then eat the results. Actually, you know what? Don’t do that. That probably will turn out to be pretty gross and I’ll get sue for causing a bunch of people puking their guts out or something. Anyways, just trust me on this when I say this meat is fucking delicious. I forget what Justine called this animal so I’m just going to call it a deezard. But oh man, it was like having an orgasm in my mouth. Not the some dude ejaculated into my mouth (you fucking perverts, this is a kid friendly narrative in my head! Well, kid friendly ish…) but more like mouth had an orgasm on its own. Hell, we didn’t even need to add any spices or seasoning. It seems like the deezards feed on a combination of salt and herbs. The same herbs that one would use to season food. How convenient. We ate the tail and one hind leg and were stuffed. This deezard was HUGE! Probably weighed close to 500 pounds, the size of a small cow. Yet, Justine was able to carry it by herself. No wonder she was so strong as she strangled me. Unconsciously, I rubbed my throat as I recalled those hands squeezing the life out of me. I’m really glad she didn’t extend her claws, or nails, or whatever those sharp things are that she can extend on the tips of her fingers, because that would have really sucked. Having chunks of my throat torn out may be too much for my nanites to take on.
I hear a snigger and look up to make eye contact with the perpetrator. Justine. Of course it was. She immediately looks away with the smallest hint of a smile on her face. Fuuuuck you. I just let her see me shuddering at the memory. I’m going to have PSTD over this. Note to self, do not anger the crazy Daemon. Other note to self, plot revenge. Patience. Paaatience. No need to rush it. It can wait a few more minutes. Or days. Or years. She’ll get what’s coming. A slight smile appears on my face as I think about the various embarrassment that will come to Justine.
“Lindsey, whatever you’re thinking about do, don’t,” Blake harshly snaps at me. Damn, was I that obvious? I open my mouth to proclaim my innocence but before I could say anything, she holds up a hand, “No. I don’t want to hear it. Just no. Babe, whack your brother.”
WHACK
I glare at Volt who gives me an apologetic shrug. Don’t play innocent. You’re so fricking whipped. You always do whatever Blake tells you to do without question. Grow some balls and be your own man. BE FREE MY BROTHER! The smile on Justine’s face seems to get bigger. What the hell? I seriously think there is something wrong with that girl if she gets a kick out of seeing me in pain. Fuck this shit. I don’t need to take this abuse. I pick up my empty plate and go to the kitchen and place it in the sink. Oh right, they have plumbing here, well, sort of. The water is only one temperature and that is cold. Go figure. And electricity. But none of the lights are on right now since there are so many windows. Natural light seems to flow in from all directions. It’s a small lodge but cozy. Only four rooms. A bedroom with a king size bed, a kitchen with a wood burning stove, a bathroom with a weird looking…toilet and what I’m guessing is the bathtub, and a torture room. Obviously the torture room is where the host will string up victims to constantly drown and beat them. And that is also we were eating. FINE. It’s the dining room/living room. Yes, with a table and 4 chairs. And the couch. And the fireplace. Jesus, get off my case people. Even my own imaginary audience is getting on my nerves. Sheesh.
I start rinsing my plate and silverware…don’t look at me that. I’m a good guest even if my host tried to kill me. Let it be known that Captain Lindsey Shin knows how to truly appreciate the generosity of his host for feeding him a delicious meal of deezard meat! If I didn’t help prepare the meal, it is at least my duty to clean up this plate and the fork and this knife and these other plates. Wait a second, I didn’t use 4 plates and 4 pairs of silverware. Oh those sons of bitches. Fine. I’ll clean yours as well. I grab the next plate and start washing that out too. I look behind me and I see Volt chatting with a very confused looking and purple person. Blake has started to dry the things I already washed with a dish towel. I really don’t want any company right now. I should chase her away. Not in the mood sis. Sorry in advance for what I’m about to say. I put down the knife I was cleaning and turn to my soulless sister-in-law, but before I could say something mean, she speaks first.
“Thank you.”
Oh. That was…unexpected. Fuck. Now it’s going to be tough to be mean. Well, not tough. Awkward. Yeah. It’ll be super awkward. I’m a bit at a loss here. Can you imagine the amount of pumping up I just did to say something like “Yo bitch, get your shit out of here you’re messing up the shit I just cleaned you soul sucking ginger!” Now, imagine me saying that after the ginger says a sincere, from the heart, no hidden meaning or anything, “thank you.” Yeah, I’ll just come off as a jackass and a total douchebag. Damnit sis, I know you’re good at defusing the situation but you’re a little too good at this. Now I can’t start a fight with you without being the bad guy.
Sigh. “You’re welcome, sis. Although I’m not exactly sure what you’re thanking me for. So far, I have successfully pissed off the only native we have met. On multiple occasions I might add. Within the past 2 hours. At least, I think time works the same the way as Earth. They are on a 24-hour day right? Remind me to ask Sky later. It might know. Or Justine. Actually, fuck Justine. That girl scares the living shit out of me, not that I didn't deserve it. Can’t say anything or do anything around her without getting abused. Hell, even doing nothing gets me into trouble. Tell me why I haven’t shot her in the face yet?”
“I know it hasn’t been…pleasant...being 'treated' by Justine. But from my conversation with her, she is actually a very sweet girl and wildly curious about us. When she called her father, you can clearly hear the excitement in her voice. ‘ALIENS!’ She kept yelling into the phone. Talking about my rifle and how it doesn’t require any ammo. About my Alpha and how it talks and can transform. And how you seemed to be able to heal instantaneously. She actually talked about you a lot in particular. Granted, it was followed by a string of swearing and how she will hang you with your own intestines and make you eat your own balls but she talked about you. A lot.”
“Wait, call? As in a phone? And she does realize that if she hangs me with my own intestines, I WILL die right? Same with cutting off my balls. I am pretty sure the nanites can’t handle that big of an injury…they really only heal cuts and bruises. And help prevent us from getting sick. They can’t do shit if she dissects me. Or feeds me something I’m allergic to.”
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“Yeah, I told her. Don’t worry. She won’t kill you. Maybe,” Blake smiles mischievously at me which sends a shiver down my spine. “And yes, they have what looks like cellphones here. Nowhere near as advanced as ours but I don’t think they use cell towers. I think they have to infuse some of the wind into the phone to carry messages since there is a slight delay between responses. You know, Alpha is right. This planet is pretty advanced but in very strange ways.”
“Hmmm. They must be using the elements in their everyday life. I remember seeing Justine waving at the sink before I came here to do the dishes. I bet you she must have had to pump some of the water from underground and I don't see a water boiler anywhere. It would explain why the water is so cold. So when is Justine going to take us to her clan? I’m kind of excited to meet more of the natives.”
“Right now, little alien princess.” I whip around and I find myself once again staring at the chest of purple lady. Except, instead of a chainmail, she is wearing a T-shirt and what looks like to be jeans. When did she change? I’m pretty sure she was wearing leather pants earlier. Wait, when did she change into a T-shirt? It’s very…black. Goes well with her skin tone and silver hair. Her arms are crossed in front of her as I look up to see her looking down at me with a hint of superiority in her smile. Argh, that pisses me off. I glance behind her and I see, and hear Volt laughing his ass off.
“I’m sorry, little brother. I swear it slipped!” Damn bastard is so looking fucking pleased with himself right now. I grab the dish towel from Blake and throw it at his ugly, ginger-infected, face.
Sky flies in with our survival backpacks and drops them in front of us. We each pick up our packs and strap them on as Sky lands on Volt’s shoulder before chiming in. “Captain Lindsey, Mr. Crane actually told the Daemon to…mmmph!!” A hand just so happens to clamp down on Sky’s beak, preventing it from finishing its sentence but I was able to get the gist of it. I already knew he did it on purpose and Sky just confirmed it for me. I’m going to kill him. I’m going to kill him with a smile on my face and tear out his eyes and…something something gruesome horrible shit. As if Justine needed more ammunition to torture me. Apparently, I’m not the only one to disapprove of him as his wife is also glaring at him. Sweet. He’s going to get it later. Thank you dear sister-in-law of mine. Give him hell for me. Volt soon meets the glare of his wife and his laughter suddenly changes to a cough before dying out entirely. He quickly walks over to his wife and kisses her on the cheek. Heh, when in doubt, kiss the wife to placate her anger. Unfortunately, Blake is still glaring at him so he looks at me for help. Nope. You’re on your own this time. Jackass. Besides, we should probably get going soon.
“So,” I look up at Justine while smiling, “would it be okay if we leave the our cryopods where they are? They’re kind of heavy and bulky.” Why am I smiling? Well, a better question is why not? Either I glare at her, get yelled at by my crew whom, I might add, SHOULD be listening to MY orders not the other way around, and also get beaten up again by the Daemon. Or, I could smile at her and let her be the bad guy for beating up the adorable and handsome little alien who just is trying to be your friend. Who can resist these puppy eyes?
“That is fine,” Justine replies with no reaction. Lame. “The creatures here will not disturb them. But I want to call in a request to the BattleChief to send some people here. I want to err on the side of caution. The Contagion might find them and I would not put it past them to be able to find a way to use your cryopods to their advantage.”
“Fair enough.” I reach over and grab her hand. “Shall we venture off to your clan then, my fair lady?”
Justine seemed to stiffen at my touch and looks away, mumbling something about how I am rude or something. Or was it about something about how I presume too much? I can’t really tell nor do I really care to be honest. But, I DO know that she is embarrassed by this. Oh, this is good. My revenge came sooner than I expect. Yes, it isn’t much of a revenge but I have to admit, an embarrassed Daemon is fucking hilarious. And kind of adorable. But mostly hilarious. Especially one that is over half a foot taller than me. I pull her with surprising little resistance from her towards the entrance of the lodge so that we can get underway. Before we leave though, she lets go of my hand and walks back inside. I wonder if I went a little too far…
Almost immediately, she reappears but with a backpack and her sword strapped to her waist. Ah, guess we should bring those, huh? She also is pulling a sled which she promptly ties to me. Wait, why I am being tied to a sled? Oh wait, why is she tying herself to the sled? Oh…the deezard. That was why she was out here in the first place. Riiiight. Oops. Volt, seeing this, smiles and leans over to me to whisper, “So, when are you two going to get married?”
BAM
Yeah, that’s right. I just punched my adopted older brother. In the face. Hard. I quickly glance over at Justine but she didn’t seem to hear and is still tying herself into the sled. Volt on the other hand is still smiling despite my ridiculously harder than necessary but felt really good punch as he walks over to Blake. He points at us and whispers something to his wife. Blake, looking over gives me a mischievous smile and two thumbs up. I’m going to kill them. I swear I’m going to kill them. There is no way I’m going to marry this fucking, abusive bitch. Looks are not everything. Her personality is way off. I turn away from them and poke Justine in the side to get her to hurry up causing her to jump. As she did, her wings open and smack me in the jaw.
Okay…maybe shouldn’t have poked her in the side. Yup, she’s glaring at me again. But at least she didn’t shoot a fireball or something at me this time. Without a word she turns away from, finishes tying her knot and starts walking at a fast pace. I have to take three steps for each of her one just to keep pace. Fuck she’s tall. I’m essentially jogging just to keep up. This isn’t funny. Volt is walking next to us at his normal pace and has one of his guns out. It looks like he’s cleaning it even though he hasn’t fired it yet? Weirdo. Blake is walking next to him with her arm locked into his and has pulled out a nail file to take care of her nails. Wait, where the fuck was she keeping that? Actually, now that I think about, where the hell did Volt pull out his cleaning kit from? Seriously, these people are not normal. Heh. I’m one to talk. I’m narrating this entire thing to myself ever since I woke up in my pod. I’m sure that’s normal. If I recall correctly, the first thing I said was, “Huh.” Speaking of not being normal, I wonder if I can get a certificate that states: “This Certificate is to Certify that Lindsey Shin is Certifiably Clinically Insane.” I would love for it to be decked out with signatures and stickers. The whole shebang. I’ll frame it on my wall. Wait, I don’t have a wall now. Well, I’ll frame it anyways and the first wall I see is where I’ll hang it up.