👽Fred👽

A few hours of fitful tossing and turning in bed was all Fred managed to get before his door was kicked open by the loudest ten-year-old he’d ever met. Her space karate lessons were really showing results.

In his over-exhausted state, Fred might have been able to ignore the sound of his door breaking against his wall. However, the pain of previously mentioned 10-year-old performing a perfectly executed, lung-crushing, somersault, bomb dive onto his guts was unignorable.

“Fred get up! There's no time for sleep! Get up! Get up! Big news! Guess what?! We’ve been invited to the invention convention! Get up! It’s only in a month and we don’t have anything prepared!” She shouted into his face.

Fred responded to her by gasping for breath.

This little wrecking ball of youthful passion was Fred’s boss, Einstein. FYI, You could tell that this Smarty was a girl by her long eyelashes and that she was a kid by how much shorter than Fred she was. Super cute.

Einstein was a genius among geniuses. At age 7 she invented her first fusion engine, at 9, an artificial intelligence that made the perfect sandwich, and now at age 10 she was in charge of the Hungry Hippo University’s most valued team of young scientists: the ‘Little Girl’s Team’ of which Fred too was a proud member. Nobody thought the team name was odd since it was her team and she was a little girl.

Robotic limbs that whirred far too loudly to be anything but intentional announced the arrival of the third member of the Little Girl’s Team, Edison, “Yo Fred, your door is broken,” he said as way of greeting.

It was impossible to tell Edison's age at a glance, due to all the robot modifications he had made to himself, which altered his height and appearance. But he was only 18, same as Fred. Edison's thing was that he was a fanatic who loved cyborgs more than anything and was turning himself into one, piece by piece.

His singular focus had pushed the scientific field of cybernetics forward by leaps and bounds since he joined the university. In Smarty society, cybernetics were mostly used by perverts and weirdos. But that didn't matter to science! Edison's research was groundbreaking and he was an undeniable genius, so he earned a spot on the team.

Edison stepped around Fred’s busted door, “What should we invent? I have a few schematics for a cyborg tongue that I think we can get working in time.” He sat down at Fred’s work desk on the opposite side of the room and knocked over some stationary so that he could set his feet up on the table.

Einstein fake gagged, “Gross, no tongues. We need something big! Something to really make a splash for our team’s debut. Something world changing!”

“If we make the tongue big enough…”

“NO TONGUES! Anyways, Fred, why are you still in bed?! Did you stay up late last night?” Einstein held the collar of his pyjamas in both hands and shook him.

“Hehe, at Fred’s age, he probably stayed up all night watching naughty tongue videos,” laughed Edison. He pulled out his smarty phone and began playing with it.

Fred’s voice was muffled by his pillow “...same age..”

“Whassat?” asked Edison, staring at his phone, drawing a figure eight with his finger.

“RRAAAAAGGHH!” Fred roared, throwing a shrieking Einstein off him onto the floor. He sat up grumpily, “We're the same age, idiot,” he said, trying to glare at Edison. His eyes were too blurry and unfocused to look intimidating, “I wasn’t watching tongue videos. I was… researching World Fish.”

“World Fish? Why?” Asked Einstein, picking herself up off the floor.

Edison cut in, “Oh! I saw that too! Awesome stuff. World fish got moved up to number three now on the…” he looked around the room conspiratorially before whispering, “secret danger list,” he winked and continued at a normal volume, “They found an old satellite from some extinct race with footage of World Fish extincting them. Brutal stuff. Hold up, I'll show you on my phone,” he typed on his phone a bit, then spun it around so that Einstein could see, “check it out!”

As Einstein watched the footage with her mouth open and eyes wide, Fred threw his covers off and got out of bed. He had lied to his team. His sleepless night wasn’t due to staying up late studying. The truth was, Fred suffered from ichthyophobia: an irrational fear of fish. After watching the video that Einstein was now watching, he had simply been too afraid to fall asleep.

It was one thing after another, the lack of sleep, the rude awakening, Edison mentioning tongues, Fred was mad. The fish noises coming from the video on Edison’s phone was the last straw. Fred’s anger boiled over and his supernatural power activated.

Fred was a mad scientist, literally. When he became too angry, he received supernatural inspiration for some of the evilest inventions conceivable. These evil inspirations were often accompanied by groundbreaking ideas with the potential to advance Smarty science years forward. Provided the evil parts were removed first, that is. This is how Fred, despite his otherwise average intelligence, had landed his spot on the prestigious Little Girls Team.

He marched over to Edison and slapped his legs off the table, “Off my chair,” he ordered. Edison relinquished the chair, mechanical eyebrows raised in shock. Fred sat down in the chair, “You want ‘world changing’? I’ll give you ‘world changing’!” he growled. He grabbed a pencil and some paper and began furiously sketching. His pencil almost ripped the paper as schematics for an invention began to take shape.

Both Einstein and Edison watched over his shoulder quietly. When Einstein realised what Fred was designing she turned to Edison and whispered, “That could actually work!”

When Fred’s anger faded, Einstein took over, filling in the blanks in the design and Edison got to work constructing. Unfortunately, the scientific process would have to be thrown out the window as the creation could never be tested. It was a fantastic device, in theory, but it was too dangerous to ever actually be used.

They named it ‘The Milk-Shaker’.

🐙Tomas🐙

Some might call The Church of the Wolf a dangerous “cult”. And sure, those people might have a few valid points. Like, ok, sure the way the church only recruits people with easy-to-exploit personalities and has them give up all of their life’s possessions to join was a little bit questionable. And their global manhunts for supernatural beasts to feed to their leader was a bit sketchy. But… ok fine, they were a dangerous cult.

The church's goals were simple: grant their leaders immortality, take over all of humanity, and enslave all the non-believers. Such an extreme ideology attracted appropriately extreme people to their ranks. Thus, absolute faith was essential. That is why when an important member of the church was having a crisis of faith, the head priest personally came to counsel the individual.

The head priest knocked on Tomas’ door, before letting himself in. As usual, Tomas was sitting on the sofa, playing video games. A pout was on his face.

“Greetings, brother Tomas,” the priest said, pulling over a chair and sitting down in front of Tomas. The smiling old man in extravagant white robes had let himself in so suddenly that Tomas hadn’t had time to finish his game. His view of the TV was now blocked by the priest. The priest ignored Tomas’ distressed attempts to look around him and said, “I’ve heard you have some concerns about the church's plan. I’ve come to offer you clarification and guidance.”

Tomas couldn’t pause his game in time. He managed to crane his neck around the priest just in time to watch his character get shot and die. Sighing, he put his controller down and replied, “It’s more than concern, Roy. I finally got my power; something I thought we were all looking forward to; but turns out you guys just wanted it so you could sacrifice me! That’s not cool! Why do we even have to make the Matriarch stronger in the first place? She's plenty strong already, no?”

The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

The old man’s eyes fluttered at not being addressed as ‘Head priest’. He had once beaten a man unconscious for not doing so. He managed to restrain himself this time and answered Tomas, “I understand. Yes, it must feel very troubling. We live in turbulent times, you see, Tomas. That’s why now, more than ever, we must be unified. I’ve brought this to help you understand.”

In his hands, he held a thick tome titled, ‘the New Wolf Chronicle’. The Chronicle was Roy’s magnum opus, containing pages upon pages of extravagantly worded stories about the church's rise to power, its philosophies, and its strategies for achieving its goals. He opened it to a bookmarked page.

Tomas got annoyed, “I’ve heard the Chronicle a thousand times, Roy. It’s mostly nonsense...”

Roy snapped the book back shut, sprung to his feet and raised the Chronicle above his head, ready to bring it down on Tomas’ skull. There was so much ‘nonsense’ filling the Chronicle that it was thick enough to bludgeon someone to death; something Roy had done in the past to a man who had fallen asleep during a sermon.

Roy stared down, face red in anger, and Tomas stared back, alarmed. Several seconds passed as the priest ruminated on the pros and cons of braining Tomas with his book, before ultimately deciding not to risk getting any more blood on it. His fury vanished as suddenly as it began and a smile returned to his face. He sat back down and shook a finger as he admonished Tomas, “You must not blaspheme, brother Tomas. The words of the Chronicle are sacred. Listen. All shall be made clear.” He found his place in the book again and began reading.

“AHEM. The evil tribe rolled rocks down the mountain, onto the entrance of the great cave, sealing the two great huntresses inside." Roy's reading voice was as passionate and extreme as his personality, "Despite the huntresses’ wondrous strength, they could not move the enormous rocks blocking their exit. Days passed; they were driven mad by darkness and starvation within the mountain. The lioness' will was the first to break. She succumbed to the evil within her heart and let it drive her mad. In her madness, she challenged the wolf to a duel. Power vs power, to the death. The loser's flesh was to be eaten by the winner. The wolf had no choice but to accept as the lioness wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Their ensuing battle was legendary. The whole mountain shook as they exchanged blows. The shaking drew the evil cowards who had trapped them in the first place to the sealed entrance of the mountain where they watched the rocks in fear. For three days and three nights, the mountain shook. On the dawn of the fourth day, it went silent. The evil tribe breathed a sigh of relief, believing that the huntresses had finally killed one another. However, they were wrong. Their relief was short-lived, not long after the mountain stopped shaking, the rocks blocking its entrance burst outwards and the victor emerged. The wolf walked out, covered in the lioness's blood.

She was not the same as when she entered the mountain. That was the day she learned that by consuming the flesh of another with her powers she could add their strength to her own. Bigger, stronger, and faster, she was the most beautiful thing the evil tribe had ever seen. They immediately fell to their knees and worshipped her. She was no longer just the greatest huntress in all the land, she had become a goddess.

Furious at the evil tribe who had trapped her, she quickly ate them all up, leaving not a single morsel behind. Then she vowed to the moon that she would never again allow evil to take root in the hearts of those around her. She vowed to lead the pure-hearted on a crusade to wrest back control of the world from the hands of evil.

She would hunt down the unspeakable horrors lurking in the shadows. She would gather the faithful to aid her in her cause. The Church of the Wolf would rise against evil and create a utopia for humanity, led by those who were most devoted! …Also she vowed to eat everyone who had powers like hers so she could grow stronger,” Roy stopped reading there, closed the book shut and looked up with his manic smile.

Tomas frowned, He wasn’t exaggerating when he said he had heard the Chronicles a thousand times before. He could just about recite it from cover to cover. He had never heard that last part about The Matriarch vowing to eat everyone with powers before in his life. The way it was just kind of tacked on there was very odd.

Before Tomas could voice his concern, Roy put the book down and stood. Sweat ran down the old man’s face from the passionate reading. His eyes shimmered in zealously, “So you see, since you also possess the power of a… great hunter; like the lioness did; the Matriarch must consume you to grow stronger. This will bring her one step closer to immortality and progress the church one step closer to universal domination! Everyone benefits! Your sacrifice will be the greatest honour anyone could receive! We are all so proud and envious of you!”

A lot of things weren’t adding up for Tomas. Universal domination; not global? And why did Roy pause before calling him a great hunter? Tomas was getting real confused by all the inconsistencies. He shook the thoughts away and tried to focus on the most pressing issue, “No Roy, not everyone benefits. I really don’t see how this is beneficial to me. I don’t wish to be eaten.” Tomas protested.

Roy's face went cold, “But you must! It’s written in the Chronicles.”

“That’s another thing, that last sentence wasn’t there before. Did you just add the part where…”

Tomas's words were cut off because at that moment Roy swung the chronicles at him. He dodged back, narrowly avoiding the tome and quickly scrambled to his feet, “What the hell Roy!?” he exclaimed, backing up.

Roy advanced, “YOU MUST NOT BLASPHEME, BROTHER TOMAS!" He screamed, "The Matriarch herself told me these words, they are for the benefit of the whole church! Do I make myself clear?!” he continued forward, welding the book in two hands.

“You almost hit me!” Tomas whined, backing up faster.

“And YOU called the Matriarch a liar!” Roy growled, "How dare you after everything she's done for us?!"

“Ok Jeez! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I won't do it again!” Tomas pleaded.

“Good, see that you don't,” Roy said, lowering the chronicles and calming down in an instant. He pat Tomas on the shoulder. Tomas flinched.

The smile was back on Roy's face, “I’m glad that I could help you understand how important tomorrow is. Alright, I must go prepare now. Rest well young, uhh… hunter. Big day coming!” Roy shouldered his copy of the chronicle and left the room.

Tomas watched him leave and mumbled under his breath, “YoU mUsT nOt BlAsPhEmE." He kicked the chair Roy had been sitting on, “Why does he always pause before calling me a hunter? Just what is he implying? … Wait… Tomorrow?! The sacrifice is Tomorrow?!" Tomas’ head spun towards the closed door to his room. He scrambled over and pulled on it, screaming, “Why didn't anyone tell me! That's too soon!”

The Door didn’t budge. Roy was long gone and he’d locked the door behind him. Tomas banged on it and shook the handle, but it was no use. The realisation that he was trapped, alone in his room, with less than 24 hours left to live hit Tomas hard. He slumped to the floor and pouted.

“Ok,” he said to himself, “It’s my last night alive. How do I want to spend it?” His eyes fell on the computer in his room and a cheeky little thought entered his head, "How about I start by watching some non-church-approved videos online, hehehe," he snickered.

He strolled over and sat at the computer. After booting it up, he typed ‘tongue vids’ into the search bar and hit enter.

The first result that came up was an eye-catching news article titled: "Top 10 life hacks to avoid being sacrificed to your cult leader! You won’t believe number 4!" Intrigued, Tomas forgot about tongues and clicked the link. Instead of opening to a list of lifehacks, the link opened an article from a local news station. Tomas read on.

‘Police were forced to use tear gas to end an escalated confrontation on the streets of Chook’s Creek last Tuesday between the local cricket team and a travelling circus troupe.

Witnesses say the confrontation arose when a local spiritualist, known only as ‘Madame Wanda’, removed a curse from the hideous freak show attraction ‘Mr. Tree’, allegedly ridding him of his signature leaves and branches, and leaving him a regular stupid man. Furious that the disgusting freak was no longer able to man the show, circus officials demanded compensation from the spiritualist.

Hostilities arose after Madame Wanda refused to reimburse the circus officials. The infamous Chook's Creek cricket team, known for ending every match they've ever attended in violence, then rallied to her defence.

About 30 people were involved in the ensuing fight before police were called in and were able to disperse the crowd using tear gas. Despite the size of the conflict, no arrests have been made at this time.

Editor's note:

We reached out to the moronic Mr Tree for comment and he replied, stating that he was thankful to Madame Wanda for ridding him of the curse that had deformed his gross body and is regretful that so much trouble occurred on his behalf. He went on to recommend Madame Wanda’s services to any other stupid freaks out there who wish to be normal.

Tomas finished reading, "Hmmmmm. Why does the author hate Mr Tree so much? This gives me a good idea. If I get my powers removed like Mr Tree did, there'd be no reason to sacrifice me anymore! What was it again, Madame Wanda? Chook's Creek? That's actually not too far from here," he said. Opening a new tab, he began excitedly researching travel routes to the town from the article.

After finding the perfect route, he thought about the reality of his situation and his excitement faded. He looked at his locked door again and sighed, "I can't even get out of this room; let alone get to Chook's Creek," He sighed once more, not even in the mood for tongue videos anymore and got up. He trudged over to the sofa, flopped down on it, picked up his game control and resumed playing Night Monsters.

And that's how he decided to spend his last night alive.