🚓The Popo🚓
An ear-piercing alarm started blaring throughout the police station.
Sitting in the lunchroom, officer Newman gasped in surprise, "What the hell is that?"
"Ah Fudge," officer Chutney, the 10-year veteran of the Cook's Creek police, moaned, "Get up rookie, that's the alarm for Wanda's place. We gotta move!" The senior officer started running towards the hall.
Newman rushed to keep up. All around him, the police station was buzzing with activity. Every officer on hand rushed to grab their keys and make their way to their police vehicles. He couldn't believe his eyes when even Janet, the cleaning lady, ripped off her cleaning uniform, revealing she'd been wearing a police uniform underneath the whole time, and joined the police captain in the back of a SWAT van.
By the time Newman made it to his police cruiser, Chutney was already seated, starting the engine. He jumped into the passenger seat and Chutney put the pedal to the metal, tires squealing, siren blasting as they raced out of the police parking lot, towards the centre of town.
"I don't understand," Newman said, catching his breath, "Wanda? The fortune teller lady in town? What's going on here?"
Chutney's face was cold as he sped the cruiser down the road, "Listen rookie, it's your first day here in Chook's Creek; we were hoping to give you some time to adjust before we broke it to you. Sorry you had to find out this way,"
Newman held tight as Chutney Slid the car around a corner, not slowing down at all.
"So here it is kid: Chook's Creek doesn't have a drug problem. Nor are there any thefts, traffic violations or even noise complaints. What it does have is a violence problem. I'm sure you've already heard about the damn cricket team. They've never once finished a match without a fight."
Newman nodded, "Yeah, I've heard of them. But what's that got to do with Wanda?"
Tires screeched as Chutney pulled the handbrake and spun the car around, bringing it to a stop alongside several other police vehicles, pulled up outside Wanda's shop. Chutney turned to look Newman in the eyes, "Well she's 10 times worse than the cricket team. She's a nexus for trouble. Mark my words, we are the bulwark that defends against the chaos that gravitates towards that woman. Without us, Chook's Creek would have burned to the ground several times over. Now stand and defend your home with me, Rookie!"
Newman was at a loss for words. He got up out of the car, following Chutney's lead and they rushed off towards where the majority of police officers were gathered. He caught a glimpse of two officers dragging what appeared to be an unconscious soldier, dressed in white tactical armour out through Wanda's front door. His heart beat faster, just what had he gotten himself into?
The police captain stood on the roof of a police cruiser, "Look alive, people! I want eyes on the perimeter, scanning for incoming bogies! Report any unusual activity to a senior officer immediately! I do not want to be waist-deep in circus performers again! Get me a line of men, facing the pub, right now! Understood!?"
Newman licked his lips and looked about. He spotted some vehicles approaching on the road coming in from out of town, "Look, there!" He pointed.
"We've got movement! Form up lines!" The police Chief called out.
Two buses and a truck drove in, past the pub, ignoring the police's attempts to wave them down. They pulled up 20 metres away from the police barricade outside Wanda’s, forming a barricade of their own.
“Code: red! Code: red!” Several officers screamed as the bus doors slammed open and a line of people dressed in white, spilled out from them. Each one of them held a bludgeoning object in their hands, like rolling pins or golf clubs. They formed a line facing the police.
Newman's stomach dropped, this was not what he had signed up for.
A tense silence stretched out as the two opposing forces faced off at one another. A voice from behind the white-suits shouted, “OI YOU! COME BACK FOR MORE HAVE YA?!”
Newman craned his neck to see over the heads of the white suits. He spotted a new crowd, dressed in matching green and gold outfits.
Beside him, Chutney whispered “Goddess help us. It’s the cricket team.”
🎣Wally🎣
Well if Wally thought Wanda was dangerous before, seeing her brain another woman with a crystal ball had him pooping his pants.
The lady-ogre looked down at him with hatred in her eyes, “And you! You are going to give Tomas his body back. He has some explaining to do before he pays up as well!”
Nope. Not a chance. Wally rolled away and tried to scamper back. He knocked things off of shelves behind him, desperately trying to slow her advance.
There was no escape.
Wanda was easily the most dangerous person he had ever met. Stalking after him like a tiger toying with its prey, she masterfully prevented Wally from ever getting close to any exit, regardless of how quick his new body was. Inevitable doom slowly filled Wally with dread.
Thankfully the police’s response time was excellent. After only a few minutes of frantic scrambling, the sound of police sirens and screeching tires outside ended the chase. Wanda threw herself to the floor and held her arms up, as if she was defending herself just as dozens of police rushed into the store. Wanda pointed at Wally and shouted, “HELP ME! ARREST THAT MAN!”
Wally was swiftly tackled and held down by several police officers. Wanda kept shouting orders and for whatever reason, the police actually listened to her. The unconscious invaders were taken out on stretchers. Wally was dragged over and his one hand was cuffed to a chair. The room was cleared of all but a few officers. One was posted to loom over Wally, and another to sit down with Wanda to get her story.
Wally looked up and growled at his policeman. Across the room, Wanda was explaining through tears, “They just came charging in here firing their guns around my shop. I thought it was those horrible men from the circus again. One of them definitely called after ‘Tomas’,” she pointed at Wally, who was still growling.
“OK… This guy is Tomas? Any idea what they wanted from him?” her officer asked, pretending to take notes in a small notepad.
“No, but just look at him, clearly he's deranged,” She replied.
“I'm innocent! Uncuff me! I gotta hang a slash something chronic!” Wally shouted, pulling at his cuff and squirming on his chair. That jar of liquor had gone straight through him and was trying to force its way out with the weight of an ocean behind it.
“Hold it.” His designated looming officer told him.
Cold-faced, Wally grit his teeth at the officer and explained, "Any second now, my bladder is gonna burst right out of me guts and into your face! I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you pig?"
The officer scowled in disgust. He pulled out his nightstick, planning to teach Wally a lesson about respect, when another policeman burst through the front door, interrupting them, “Fellas, we need you all outside right now, there’s trouble.”
“God, what now? Wait right here you two,” The police excused themselves and left the room.
“OI! YOU SCUM! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE I GOTTA PEEEEEE!” Wally screamed at their backs.
There was no time to spare. It was do, or die. Wally dragged his chair over to the coat rack and grabbed a new hanger with his teeth.
“Stop that! Put that down!” Wanda demanded.
Using his hook proficiency, with a twist of his neck, he had picked the handcuff open and leapt up from his chair. He turned to Wanda with desperation in his eyes, “It’s dripping out the nozzle, I’m gonna burst all over the floor! Where's the dunny!”
The pain in his face spoke volumes. She could see how serious it was. Pointing to the back exit, she said, “Out there, first door to the left. You wet my floor and I’ll dry it with your face,”
If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.
Wally rushed straight for the door, holding his crotch for dear life.
In the middle of the room, a sudden electrical vortex opened up, blocking his path, “NO TIME! OUTTA MY BLOODY WAY!” he screamed at it, skirting around, and continuing to the bathroom. Wanda could deal with whatever that was.
👽Fred👽
After hours of listening to Edison beg for the WiFi, the Little Girl’s team arrived in Earth’s orbit. The three Smarties crowded around the magic scanner's monitor. Einstein read through the data on the screen, “Awwww. I was hoping that the scanner was wrong and that we were actually flying towards a magic fish. Bad news is: it’s definitely not a magical fish.”
Fred disagreed, that was fantastic news.
“However, the really good news is there is definitely some fish magic down there. Readouts indicate that magic is attached to an Earthling somewhere in this location," she said, pointing to an Earthling settlement displayed on the screen, "No way to tell which fish cast the spell or what it does without more information though. Which means..” She smiled extra wide and spun towards her teammates, bouncing in her seat with excitement, "That means we get to do an alien abduction!”
“Uhhh… I don’t think that’s a good idea. We don’t even know which fish cast the spell. What if it was Virus Fish and this earthling is rigged to explode plague everywhere?” Fred said.
“Well, I think that’s a brilliant idea, Einstein!” Edison cut in, “Lemme look Earthlings up on my phone to determine how strong they are in a fight! Then I will equip my war limbs, you guys jump in a battle suit and we’ll all head down and have ourselves a classic abduction!”
"This flying saucer came with abduction drones. There's really no reason for us to go down there in person," Fred argued.
Einstein held up a hand for silence, "Our battle suits will protect us, Fred, no need to worry. For your peace of mind, we'll prepare some drones as backup, just in case. Someone is going to stay up here with the ship. They can coordinate things from up here; help us find the target and control the drones if things go sour, that kind of thing.”
“That'll be me then,” said Fred.
“That’ll be Edison,” retorted Einstein, “Let me tell you why we're really going down there. I believe, facing some fish magic will be a good first step to helping you overcome your ichthyophobia, Fred. As team leader, it's my responsibility to shore up any weaknesses in my subordinates. You’re the oldest, and so you need to be brave and protect me.”
Fred and Edison both protested at the same time, “We’re the same age!”
“Shut up both of you; I don’t care. Now suit up Fred, we’re flying down soon. Edison, prepare the alien containment room and drones. Do a good job and maybe I’ll even restore your space WiFi.”
“Aye Aye Ma'am!” Edison saluted, dropping all complaints at the mention of having his space WiFi restored.
Fred still had one more in him though, “We shouldn't. If something bad were to happen to us, then hiding out into space in the first place was meaningless.”
Einstein stopped what she was doing and looked Fred in the eyes; her voice was harsh, “We shouldn’t be hiding at all, Fred! The Smarties are at war! Aren't you the one who said we’re the greatest inventors ever? Aren't you the one who said we'd find a way to help, despite being sent away? This is exactly the moment we’ve been waiting for, and it's all thanks to your genius power upgrading the scanner. Abductions and fish magic are nothing to us! We're the little girl's!”
Fred opened his mouth but after a few moments realised he had nothing to say and closed it. Well dang, put in his place by a 10-year-old.
Einstein's voice softened, “I understand what you’re doing. You are the oldest, it’s your job to protect the team. You’re doing well by worrying about our safety. But we can’t sit idly and let this opportunity pass us by. I’ll tell you what we’ll do to put your mind at ease. I’ll bring a laser pistol and you can wear the strongest battle suit, just in case. Earthlings are weak, I looked them up already by the way Edison; No WiFi for you. We’ll be safe. OK?”
Her passion and resolve moved Fred’s heart. She truly was a genius and a born leader, “OK fine, you convinced me,” He said, “We run if things go bad. Promise?”
“Deal!” she beamed at him, “Now, we’ve got some science to do! Let’s go abduct an alien!!!”
🤯Head priest Roy🤯
Head priest Roy fidgeted and looked down at the phone in his sweaty hands for the dozenth time. He hadn’t heard from the team in Chook's Creek yet despite it being well past time for them to report back. He desperately wanted to call them, but he didn’t know how to navigate the phone menus. Normally he'd order someone to do it for him but unfortunately, he was in the back of a moving truck with only one other person and they weren't any better at technology than he.
In front of him, the Matriarch rested on a large mat laid out across the back of the truck. Red burns and blackened fur covered every inch of her body. Her breath came out in wheezes. Her recovery from the lightning strikes was slow.
The doctors had said it was unwise to bring her in her condition. But Roy believed they'd be able to hasten her recovery using Tomas' power. It was crucial to get the church back on track for its universal takeover as soon as possible. Roy wasn’t getting any younger after all.
The phone in his hands startled him by ringing. It bounced out of his hands and on the floor. Frantically scrambling to pick it back up, he held it two-handed and pressed the button on the screen. Nothing happened. He tapped the button again and again and still nothing happened. He was moments away from throwing the phone against the wall of the truck when he noticed the words on the screen. He squinted very closely at them, then slid his finger along the button as they instructed. The call connected.
The Matriarch’s ears perked up and listened in.
“Hello, Head Priest?” The face of brother Charlie, the faithful church member who had first spotted Tomas in Chook’s Creek, appeared on the phone’s screen.
"Tell me you have him!" Roy hissed into the phone.
"Sorry, sir, there's been some complications,'' Charlie answered.
Roy ground his teeth, "Elaborate" he said.
“Wolf team alpha never returned from their mission. I was going to go investigate but all of a sudden, the police showed up. A lot of police. I can’t get any closer to verify if the team is ok,”
Roy squeezed the phone until he felt it begin to crack, “Is Tomas still there in the building?”
“Yes, I believe so, sir. I haven’t seen anyone leave yet.”
“Ensure that he stays there, no matter what. We’ll be there soon to fix your mistakes shortly. DO NOT LET HIM LEAVE!”
“Sir, I don’t think you understand, there are cops everywhere.”
Roy threw the phone to the ground and stomped on it repeatedly, smashing it into pieces.
The Matriarch let out a low growl.
“YOU FAITHLESS IMBECILE!” he screamed at the remains of the phone, “Nothing can stop the Church of the Wolf!” He laughed maniacally as the convoy sped onwards.
Police were everywhere outside Madame Wanda's mystical emporium. Down the street, several patrons of the Chook's Creek pub were standing outside, trying to catch a glimpse of the commotion when 2 buses and a truck sped by and screeched to a halt across from the police cars. Dozens of cultists, armed with blunt weapons, marched out of the buses, and lined up, facing the police.
The back of the truck opened and Roy stepped out. He turned back to address the Matriarch inside, “Fear not, now that I'm here, I can fix the other's mistakes and retrieve Tomas for you. I'll bring him to you shortly.”
The Matriarch ignored him and looked out at the police cars.
Roy bowed his head, “The law doesn't matter to us. We are above it!.”
The Matriarch huffed and laid her head back down.
Roy smiled, “Wonderful, I will be back shortly,” He turned and started walking over to his lined-up cultists. The police were starting to line up as well, looking unusually prepared.
Roy only made a few steps before a voice behind him drew his attention, “OI YOU!” the voice called out. He turned to see a large group of men and women wearing matching uniforms exiting the pub nearby. All wielding cricket bats and balls, "COME BACK FOR MORE HAVE YA?!"
Roy’s face flushed in anger. He wanted to drag out the man who dared address him so rudely and publicly beat them for their insolence, but now wasn't the time, “I have no business with you commoners, I’m here for the person in that building. Begone!”, he shouted to the gathering green and gold crowd.
"HUH, WHASSAT?!" The spokesman from the crowd turned his head so that his other ear was facing Roy, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?”
“He said he was after Wanda!” another person shouted.
A cricket ball hit one of the buses and shattered its window. The cultists who had been focused on the police turned around to see what the commotion was.
A murderous scowl filled Roy’s face. He pointed at the spokesman, “Who do you think YOU are?!” He pointed to the bus window, “YOU just defiled church property!”
The hard-of-hearing spokesman’s face also twisted in fury, “DID HE SAY CIRCUS MONKEY?! I KNEW IT WAS THEM GREEDY BIG TOP BUGGERS AGAIN! LET’S GET ‘EM BOYS!!!" He screamed.
Another cricket ball flew and hit one of the church members in the chest. It acted as the starting pistol for both sides. The line of cultists and the Chook's Creek cricket club simultaneously began charging towards each other like ancient soldiers into battle. When they clashed in the middle of the street, absolute chaos ensued.
A cultist shoved over a cricket player and raised his broomstick to finish the job, only to be hit in the stomach by a wild swing from another man’s cricket bat. A few steps away, a different cultist held a large tree branch in both hands, spinning around, hitting anyone who came close until someone timed it just right, jumped up and kicked her square in the back with both feet. She was sent falling forwards into another woman’s back and the two began clawing at each other. Screams of rage, screams of pain, and screams of confusion called out all through the mayhem.
The onlooking police force gave each other a “not again” look, before they too charged into the fray to break it up. This, of course, did nothing to quell the chaos but rather added to it. Neither group respected the law and so a two-way brawl quickly became a three-way brawl.
One officer kicked away the cultist who was grabbing at his nightstick, he then turned and pulled a cricket player off of another officer. As he was doing so a cultist leapt through the air and punched him in the face with brass knuckles. The officer shook his head to dispel the stars spinning in his vision and payback the guy who punched him, however, his attacker was already elsewhere, fighting off a cricket player who had grabbed him from behind and bit into his arm.
Nearby, Roy stood in the middle of a group of acolytes shouting orders. He felt a pressure building up in the middle of his skull. He stumbled and reached up to gently touch his forehead. His head exploded. Blood, bone and brain sprayed outwards covering everyone. Almost no one noticed; the brawl continued. The air stunk of narcissism magic.