A whip for the horse, a rod for the slave, and Krall for the blood of fools!

Like a maniac hurling flaming spears of death, is one who cheats on a witch and says, “I was only joking!”

Whoever digs a pit will fall into it; if someone throws a stone, it will be flung back at them.

- Andanian Chronicles

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As the skies were painted with the golden rays of daybreak, the Hundred Archmages ringing the pit strained again as they chanted their magics to calm the mighty Lion of Saadian. “How many attempts has it been already?” Sotil sweated nervously as he turned to the Mage General beside him.

“A hundred? Maybe more?” Methuselah answered tiredly. “How did the Vaishyan wolf modify the Emperor’s tattoos in the midst of battle? Wasn’t he supposed to be invincible? And how did she edit that endlessly complex ancient magic without suffering from any repercussions?”

“That’s irrelevant. Our highest priority is to calm the emperor down, we can study the magical modifications at a later date. Next! Bring us the next volunteer!” Sotil demanded.

“1st Archmage Sotil,” an apprentice stammered as he prostrated before the man, “we have run out of volunteers…”

“What!?” Sotil paused with shock as he rubbed his eyes tiredly, “Bring the slaves then, surely there are some attractive women among them. Perhaps we can find a girl whom the emperor will settle for.”

Just then, a pair of girls fell straight from the skies and landed between the conversing mages. One, the Andanian princess who absently waved a charm to halt their decent as she chewed on a warm pastry. The other, a screaming pale faced child who had yet to adapt to the princess’ abrupt means of travel. “What girl?” Lily questioned disapprovingly as she sniffed at the air, “Why does it always involve girls when it comes to idiot Xerxes?”

“Honored Princess!?” The archmages were momentarily lost for words as they eyed her apprehensively.

“Weren’t the lot of you supposed to retrieve that idiot? Why is he still inside the hole? And why is the air filled with the scent of blood? What twisted sorcery have you performed on Xerxes this time!?” Lily sighed.

“We mustn’t return him to the surface before he calms down, the emperor’s runes have gone out of control! If the emperor goes berserk out here, it will be difficult for us to stop him without harming him.” Methuselah explained.

The princess kicked idly at a broken spearhead and sent the sharpened fragment bouncing into the pit. She elicited an agonized cry of pain, followed immediately by a thundering clap of rage from the rampaging emperor beneath them, “Doesn’t seem like you have had much success. How have you been trying to calm him?”

The archmages glanced uncertainly at each other, “Err… we sent in a couple of volunteers to sate his anger?” Sotil answered hesitantly, “Whenever Emperor Xerxes loses control over his powers, the only two methods for regaining his sanity are to either knock him senseless or to pacify his desires. We usually try the soft approach first, since it is more effective and results in fewer casualties…”

“So that idiot misbehaves and the lot of you encourage him by pandering to his basal urges?” Lily’s eyes narrowed dangerously as she stepped towards Sotil and glared furiously at the sweating man.

“Err… sure if you put it that way…” Sotil stammered nervously, “I mean, of course it’s not like that! We just don’t want to hurt our emperor needlessly!”

“Okay, my turn then!” Lily scowled, “You’ve run out of volunteers, haven’t you? I volunteer to go down and teach this idiot emperor of yours a lesson he will never forget!”

The archmages glanced worriedly at Krall who had been observing their conversation in an almost intelligent manner, “What will happen if Xerxes kills you?” Methuselah shuddered as he gestured towards the massive creature towering like a mountain above them.

Lily smirked, “Who knows? Maybe Krall will finally lose his temper and smash the entire world into pudding!”

“Please reconsider! Honored Princess, you mustn’t throw away your life in vain! We can still try…”

“I am not going to stand idly by while you send innocent after innocent to their deaths to satisfy Xerxes’ uncontrollable fetishes!” Lily fumed, “Get out of my way!” she commanded as she pushed past the obstructing archmages and strode towards the darkened pit. Lily stomped angrily to the edge of the precipice and the archmages tensed as they mustered their magics, both to rescue the rash princess and to flee for their lives. Then they sighed with relief as the frowning girl hesitated from her suicidal endeavor and turned back to face them. “Hmm… you’re right, jumping straight down without any preparation isn’t very smart.” Lily nodded calmly as Xerxes’ wild roars raged threateningly at them, “You must first bind me from the shoulder down in dimeritium chains before casting me into the pit. And please don’t forget to stick this talisman at the back of my head!”

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“We must do what!?” The archmages muttered in disbelief, “Doesn’t dimeritium suppress magic? What are you trying to accomplish? Surely you must have meant Xerxes…” The Saadians conferred among themselves before sending several apprentices to retrieve the required items. Sotil turned and nodded at the impatient princess, “I understand, we will try to restrain the emperor with the metal while you attempt to pacify him…”

“No, are you all being silly on purpose? I’m the one you must restrain, not Xerxes.” Lily sighed and rolled her eyes, “I need to give that idiot a handicap so that I can beat the shit out of him without killing him accidently!” The princess paused to examine the gathered Saadians calculatedly, “One more thing. The lot of you must withdraw to at least five hundred meters from the pit’s entrance and your apprentices must be stationed at least three kilometers away.”

“But if we fall back, how can we assist…” An archmage spluttered.

“Bah, don’t you worry about helping Xerxes.” Lily snickered, “I’ll try my best to go easy on him so he’ll probably survive. Besides, I don’t think that you’ll be of much help either. The pit’s three kilometers deep, so maybe Sotil and a couple of the stronger ones can stay, but it definitely won’t be a comfortable experience for any of you…”

The Saadians gaped with barely veiled skepticism, “I hope that you’re just jesting…” Sotil murmured.

“Ahh I get it… all my suitors used to say something similar at first, then it quickly becomes ‘Help! I don’t wanna die!’, and ends when they run off weeping hysterically like babies. You are a little too old for me right now, try again in two hundred years or so?” Lily waved the man off dismissively, “My sister usually handles my suitors now, since in her own words, I ‘Drive them totally crazy’. If you find her, I’m sure that she will let you get in line or something.” She smiled encouragingly.

“I’m serious, Honored Princess. This is no laughing matter! I’m not trying to court you…”

“Yeah… yeah…Men. I guess you’re the type that wants to propose marriage on the first day?” The princess sighed, “They are all serious at first, but run off screaming after I suggest some harmless experiments to ensure our compatibility!” Sotil was lost for words as his mouth opened and closed repeatedly as he attempted to wrap his mind around the absurd turn in conversation. Lily shook her head in disappointment and clapped her hands together sharply to regain his attention, “Okay conversation’s over. Don’t be shy, bind me in those chains and toss me into the pit with Xerxes.”

“Arrgh! This is impossible!” Sotil pulled at his greying hair in frustration as he glared at the princess, “Please be reasonable…”

“I get that a lot when I turn suitors down.” Lily nodded agreeably, “No worries!” The princess turned and waved at the mountain of squirming appendages behind her, “Krall! It would be a really big help if you provided some helpful encouragement to the idiots that still refuse to heed to my advice!” Krall smiled in response and parted his lips to reveal the countless rows of sharpened fangs in his maw, then his tentacles slithered steadily towards the worst offenders.

“Tie her up and throw her in! Now! Before the world ends!” An ashen faced Sotil ordered. His fearful apprentices scampered forward and bound Lily from the shoulder down with dimeritium, stuck her charm on the back of her head, and hurled the happily humming girl straight into the pit.

“Oops, I forgot my stop charm again…” Lily sighed as she accelerated towards the roaring Emperor of Saadian.

“Rraw!” The slavering lion pounced at the bound princess before she hit the ground and pinned her against the wall of the tunnel.

“Hi Xerxes, missed me?” Lily giggled as she winked at him.

“You!” His eyes widened with horror, “Get out! I’ll hurt you… I can’t…” Xerxes shuddered as he tried to back away from the trussed-up princess.

“Hey philandering pervert,” the princess demanded imperialistically, “I’ll give you one last chance to sober up or I’ll…”

The lion’s eyes bulged with uncontrolled rage as he buried his fist deep into her stomach with all the strength his body could muster. He howled with unrestrained fury as he lifted the slight girl over his head before swinging down and cracking her back across his knee. “Die!” Xerxes gloated as he hurled the broken girl away to join a pile of similarly ravaged victims.

Lily sighed as she cranked her head around to peek awkwardly at the roaring lion pounding at the tunnel walls, “That was the last straw, I was really nice, wasn’t I? Elder sister? No one can blame me for getting just a little angry after all that…”

The lion whirled around at the sound of her moody mummering and he stared with disbelief at the conscious princess, “I’ll kill you, I’ll rip out your guts and tear you apart from the inside out!” He raged as he thundered towards his immobilized prey.

Lily sighed loudly and puffed out her chest with a long deep breath.

Having ignored Methuselah’s repeated warnings, several enterprising archmages crowded around the pit to peer into the darkened depths, but the spectating Saadians muttered with surprise as Xerxes’ angered roar tapered off into a fearful whimper.

“STUPID IDIOT XERXES!” Lily’s Talent laced voice blasted upward with a force that drowned out the lion’s helpless wails of horror. The concussed Saadians staggered back from the hole, their eyes were blank and unfocused, and blood poured freely from their shattered eardrums. For ten torturous seconds, Lily’s power surged up to split the heavens. Then the ignited talisman fastened behind her head detonated with a massive concentrated bang and the pit was shaken violently as large cracks webbed swiftly throughout its destabilized surface.

The dimeritium chains binding the princess crumbled to dust around her as her body tottered back to its feet, “Grr. Everything always breaks when I lose my temper, I hope that they won’t charge me for all the dimeritium I destroyed…” Lily mumbled as she watched her body grope around blindly in the darkness, “Get over here, rest of me!” Her detached head ordered with a giggle and the headless body of a sixteen-year-old witch pivoted around gracefully to reattach herself. “Ahem, testing, testing, one, two, three.” Lily stretched and examined her rapidly regenerating injuries, “Great, I’m almost normal again.” The pleased princess nodded happily as she prodded at the blackened smoking carcass of the lion of Saadian, “Oie! Wake up! Don’t make me fix you!”

The runes lining Xerxes’ body flared up one final time before spluttering out completely and the mighty emperor of Saadian curled up into a fetal position as he shuddered at the smiling witch standing before him, “Help! I don’t wanna die!” He whimpered frightfully.

The crestfallen princess pouted petulantly, “Why does everyone say that to me, all the time?”