Sending the others out was more difficult than I expected. I had to watch my friends ride off into the sunset without me, risking life and limb on a dangerous occupied planet, and it felt…wrong. It gave me even more sympathy for what I’d put Benny through before he found his Path, and once I again I regretted letting my fear push me into the temper tantrum that alienated my best friend for a while.
It was silly, really. I was tough, but I wasn’t Bethy or even really Abel. I’d put myself at maybe fourth in terms of combat ability, with Gabe bringing up the third spot. But some part of me felt like things would go wrong if I wasn’t there.
My entire mentality had shifted over the course of our adventures. I’d become one of those arrogant elites that believed they were the center of the universe, and that I was necessary to succeed. And honestly…I was fine with that.
Arrogance wasn’t always a bad thing. Confidence in yourself was fine, as long as you didn’t take it to a foolish extreme. I’d done some crazy things, and my presence HAD overturned some nasty odds. It made sense for me to consider myself an asset. I just had to have as much faith in the rest of my people.
At its core, the desire to cultivate, to become a god, couldn’t be called anything but hubris. Believing you were worthy of that level of power, of ruling over so many. Only an egomaniac would even consider it.
The trick was having the confidence to pursue that path without letting it convince you that you couldn’t fail.
I think in some ways that was what my dad had wanted when he left me behind on Callus. To make sure I had enough of a heart to hold myself back from running off the cliff of supreme self delusion that so many powerful and talented Ascendants seemed to barrel over.
Because in the end, my friends kept me grounded. My wife, and my sister, and my mom, and Benny, and Jessie, and a dozen others. I cared about them, about what happened to them, and because of that, I would hold back rather than make a stupid mistake out of recklessness, because I’d risk my life without blinking, but I refused to risk theirs.
It galled me, honestly, to admit that I owed him something like that, but Zeke’s speech had made an impact on me, and I’d been considering it ever since. My dad did what he thought was best, even if the rest of us disagreed. This was the exact quality he’d seen in my mother that he loved so much. He’d wanted it for me, and some of that was probably sentiment, but some of it was undoubtedly for this reason. To keep me anchored as I grew.
Maybe this was what he felt he’d been lacking back in the day. When he was up against Aidan. Not humility exactly, but a reason to fight. He’d had Zeke, sure, but I didn’t think it was the same. Zeke was a partner, like so many of the other candidates had, someone to pour points and Skills and resources into. I knew he cared for my uncle, but it wasn’t really the same. Hell, I wasn’t sure it could be. My dad’s mind had become seriously altered by his cultivation, based on what I heard. Was he trying to spare me that?
As much as I hated giving him credit, I hated missing the obvious because I was stubborn even more. Denial wouldn’t accomplish anything but making a fool out of me. The truth was the truth no matter if I liked it or not.
I heard a sigh in my head. “I leave you alone for five minutes and you spiral into an existential pit of paralyzing self analysis. Why am I not surprised?”
My wife’s voice echoing in my head soothed me in a way I was still awed by. Having Callie with me never ceased to make things better. “Eavesdropping now?”
“Nah.” She said with a mental smirk. “We’re married now. By Callus law I own half of your thoughts. Sorry, you signed up for me butting into your brain when you let yourself get morbid.” The amused tone faded, replaced by concern. “You know there’s nothing wrong with worrying right? Being concerned about our friends is a good thing. You don’t have to treat every imperfection as some kind of trial to be overcome.”
My grin this time was overpowering. “You’re giving ME this speech? Bit ironic, isn’t it?”
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The mental equivalent of a pout came through the bond. “Someone once told me that I didn’t need to be perfect. That I should be selfish sometimes. I can’t remember details, he was super annoying so I tuned most of it out, but that sentiment stuck with me.” Her tone softened. “I didn’t marry Solomon. I married Shane. Don’t be perfect. Be my husband.”
The worry, the doubt, the gnawing uncertainty, they all dimmed at her words. An overwhelming tide of love and faith and trust crashed over me, dousing the flames of doubt that burned away at the edges of my mind. How could I be afraid when she was with me? How could I doubt myself when I felt how truly and deeply she trusted me?
I swallowed hard, letting my own emotions roll back toward her. The aching, bone deep adoration. The awe I felt that she was part of my journey. The joy at being forever bound to the love of my life.
On a ship in the blackness of space outside the atmosphere of the planet where we grew up, I felt tears prickle my wife’s eyes at the depth of my feelings for her, and I smiled. She deserved to know how much I loved her. Our wedding had been interrupted, but it didn’t matter. We had our bond, and our life together, and I’d make sure I told her, with words or actions or even with feelings, just how much she meant to me. Every day for the rest of our lives.
A wedding was not a marriage. Travis could interrupt one, but there was nothing even the gods could do to ruin the other. I made sure she could feel that as I wrapped her in my love and gratitude.
“You dick.” She sniffed in my head. “You made me cry. I’m standing on the observation deck of the Necromedes. People are staring.”
Snorting, I put on a tough tone. “Who are they? I’ll come up there and kick their asses. I’ll probably break my foot on impact, but I’ll still do it.” I sent a wink through the bond and reveled in the giggle I got in return.
So much context in so little communication. Not just thoughts really, not just words or sounds. That giggle contained so much more. Her love for me, her happiness at my willingness to defend her, her annoyance at me wanting to start trouble, and amusement at the knowledge that while I was kidding, I’d do it if she needed me to.
She was so amused, she took a second to realize what was going on, and then the pout was back. “Hey! I was comforting you. Don’t turn this around on me.”
And she was right. I had done that. Because alongside the love and affection, I’d felt something else when she showed me her emotions. Loneliness, guilt, fear. Being stuck up there watching while we all had to fight was heartbreaking to her, in the same way letting my friends run rescue missions without me was heartbreaking to me.
“Just reminding you of the same thing you were reminding me.” I sent softly. “”You’re not alone. You never will be again. Not if you don’t want to be. That’s not to say you can’t take a vacation or something if you get sick of me. But for the rest of your life, if you’re ever feeling scared or isolated, all you need to do is reach out and I’ll be there. Or was that not the message you were trying to get across?”
A mental snort echoed in my head at that. “Why do you have to be such a sap?” She complained. “You’re always making me look bad, knowing all the right things to say. You’re setting an impossible standard for yourself, you know? Good luck keeping up this kind of treatment for millennia.”
Smiling to myself, I laid down in bed, opening the bond fully, letting the connection carry our feelings back and forth as we stopped speaking. Words weren’t necessary anymore, not now. We were together, in the deepest way we possibly could be, and everything was alright.
Sadly, all good things must end. There was a loud banging on my door, and I stood up, heading to open it, annoyed at the interruption.
Benny was waiting outside. When he saw my face, he snickered. “Did I wake you up? I’m supposed to be helping your soul recover, remember? Doesn’t work as well if you wander off to nap without telling me where you’re going.”
“Spending time with my wife.” I said with an eye roll. “Though I guess you can come in since that’s clearly ruined.”
He looked around the room exaggeratedly, checking under the bed and in the closet. In a condescending tone, he asked. “Is she here with us right now Shane?” He waved his hand. “Am I getting close?”
“We were talking through the bond, ass.” I said snidely. “And she says if you keep mocking us about enjoying each other’s company, she’ll let Celine know that you think such things are silly, and you won’t get any alone time with your girl for the next year.”
He flinched dramatically. “No! Please! Have mercy!” He dropped to his knees, throwing his hands in the air in supplication. “Spare me oh mighty one!”
I laughed as I felt my wife’s smug amusement. “She accepts your plea. You will be spared.” I intoned dramatically. “But she says you need to earn your atonement. She wants you to bring me a sandwich.”
He rolled his eyes. “Sure she does. Tell her I worry bringing you food might cause your culinary skills to degrade. Better to keep you sharp.”
Now it was my turn for an eye roll as they both laughed. “Honestly, ganging up on me from orbit. What is my life now? Anyway, you nerd. You were here to help with my recovery? Take a seat. We were just talking, but I won’t force you to sit in silence.” Tapping my scan ring, I pulled up a file. “Because I have this.”
His eyes went wide as he leaned in. “Is that…”
“The third one.” I nodded solemnly. “It just came out. I picked up the file but never got to watching it.”
In answer to my wife’s cautious curiosity, I grinned, opening the file and sending her a mental image of the poster. “This is Benny and my favorite series from when we were kids. There were only two movies made, but they brought it back.”
“Really?” She sent in a scathing tone. “You two actually watched those? They’re notoriously awful. Whose favorite movie is ‘Soul Puppet: Revenge of the Malicious Marionette’?”
I clicked my tongue. “She doesn’t like Soul Puppet.” I told Benny sadly. “Shame I didn’t find out before the wedding. I’m stuck with her now. Make sure you check with Celine, or you might make the same mistake I did.”
The faux outrage and amusement mixed together in my head as I dropped onto the bed flicking the screen over my scan ring onto the wall so we could watch the movie in a larger format. Then all three of us settled in to enjoy the show. It was just as awful as I expected, and I loved every minute of it. Sometimes I needed days like this.