Chapter 9

I Hate Myself

It was six o’clock, and I was already on my third drink. I wasn’t exactly trying to get plastered—just taking the edge off. The last thing I needed was to be face-down in a toilet tomorrow, battling a hangover for the ages. Saxon sat beside me, and the silence between us was thick and suffocating. Neither of us had dared address what had happened this morning, and I didn’t know whether that was a sign that nothing would ever come of this—or if, like me, he was still grappling with the awkwardness of it all. After all, it wasn’t like we had just kissed once… we had made out. And that had opened a door neither of us had been ready to walk through.

It had been years ago, the night of my thirteenth birthday. A silly night, one that had seemed inconsequential at the time, but in hindsight, was anything but. A small group of friends, the kind you invite because you don’t want to seem lonely, had gathered on the living room floor, playing Spin the Bottle like we were all ten again. When the bottle landed on Saxon, I didn’t expect anything. We were both young, laughing, the game nothing more than innocent fun. But when our lips met, the world felt like it paused. The awkwardness that followed wasn’t because I wasn’t expecting it, but because it felt… right in a way I wasn’t prepared for.

But it was fleeting. And shortly after that night, my attention turned elsewhere—specifically, to Kira. The new girl in town. She had a magnetic pull, something I couldn’t ignore. Saxon faded into the background, and I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. That was, until now.

I glanced sideways at Saxon. He was staring down at his drink, eyes focused intently as though he could will the glass to refill. I could tell he was struggling with something, unsure whether to bring it up or leave it buried where we’d left it. Every time he opened his mouth, his words seemed to vanish like smoke, swallowed by the tension hanging between us. He didn’t ask me about this morning. He didn’t push, but I could see the questions in his eyes. The ones he was too afraid to voice.

I should say something. I should clear the air, tell him that the kiss—everything—wasn’t just some momentary lapse. But part of me was terrified of what would happen if I did. What if he didn’t feel the same way? What if I was just reading too much into it?

Finally, Saxon broke the silence, his voice low, almost hesitant. “You okay?”

I blinked, the question catching me off guard. It wasn’t about this morning, but somehow, it felt like it was. His eyes flicked to mine, concern shadowing his features.

“Yeah, just… just thinking,” I said, swallowing the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat. “You?”

He shrugged, glancing down at his drink again, then back to me. “You sure?”

I nodded, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that both of us were lying.

The night stretched on, and while I tried to pretend everything was normal, I knew better. I could feel the distance growing between us, and I hated it. Saxon wasn’t the type to just move on from something, not after the way we’d reacted the night of my thirteenth birthday. But maybe, just maybe, neither of us was ready for this.

“Well, aren’t you two a miserable pair?” a voice called out from behind us. “I swear, you’re making the whole bar drown in your depression. Come on, lighten up a bit.”

A growl rumbled in my chest before I could stop it. A hand landed on my shoulder, and I spun around, ready to snap at whoever it was. Instead, my gaze met Kira’s—a wide-eyed, nervous version of Kira, standing a little too close, his hands fidgeting at his sides.

The last person I wanted to see right now.

I forced a smile, though it felt more like a grimace. This is not the right moment, I thought, but I could explain later, when the tension wasn’t this thick. Kira seemed to want to join us, maybe thinking he could somehow make things lighter. But he didn’t know. He didn’t understand the weight that pressed down on me, the way it crushed my chest and kept me from even breathing properly. His mood swings were the last thing I needed right now.

I didn’t even get a moment to breathe when the two seats next to me started to fill. I guess if I wanted peace I shouldn’t have travelled back to the casino. However my anxious mood was eased when I saw who had sat down, James and Rico.

“What are you two doing here?”

“We know something is off and we know what you are like when things go like this.” James placed a soft hand on my shoulder and smiled. I wanted more than anything to smile back at him, and thank him for his support but I didn’t want them to see me like this, to see their stone-faced boss breakdown at a casino bar.

I turned back to Saxon, trying to push aside the growing irritation. “Saxon, I want to apologize again for today. It was a mess, and I… I think we should talk about it. Maybe over dinner tomorrow?”

Saxon glanced up, meeting my gaze. He didn’t hesitate. “Sure, I’d like that.”

My heart fluttered with something close to relief, and without thinking, I leaned into him, brushing my lips against his cheek in a soft, lingering kiss. A strange, almost electric warmth spread through me, and it seemed to take Kira by surprise too. He stiffened beside me, his expression flickering between something unreadable and a hint of irritation. I ignored it. I could see out of the corner of my eyes, as James and Rico turned at this moment, their frowns deeping on their faces.

I pulled away, forcing a brief smile, but the moment was already shifting, slipping through my fingers. I stepped past Kira, trying to escape the tension, but his hand shot out, gripping my elbow.

“Please… let go,” I said, my voice firmer than I felt.

His fingers tightened for a second, but then he released me, his face clouded with confusion, and I kept walking—straight into the comforting presence of Saxon, trying to shake off the unease settling in my chest.

I looked up and froze. My blood ran cold when I realized he wasn’t looking at me—he was looking at him. Kai. The last person I wanted to see right now, standing across the room like he owned it.

My heart skipped a beat, and a shiver ran down my spine. This was it—the moment I had been trying to avoid. I shook my elbow out of Kira’s grip, stepping into Saxon’s space. His presence wrapped around me like a shield, his steady energy grounding me when everything inside me screamed to run. I forced myself to stand tall, to feel confident. But then, a darker thought crept in. Maybe I should just go up to my room, lock the door, and drown myself in more alcohol. It wouldn’t be the first time, and it would be easier than facing Kai again.

But no. That wasn’t me anymore. I had to keep fighting.

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No matter where I went, no matter how far I ran, it felt like Kai would always find me. It was the price of being his, once upon a time. But I was no longer that version of myself, and I refused to be.

I squeezed Saxon’s hand, the warmth of his touch giving me strength. The cold anger radiating from Kai only fueled my resolve. I had a plan. I could do this. I would do this.

With a deep breath, I turned toward Kai, my lips curling into a smile I didn’t feel. He flinched, and that was enough of a victory. I took slow, purposeful steps toward him, each one pulling me closer to a confrontation I knew had to happen.

When I reached him, I didn’t hesitate. I pulled him into a hug. His body stiffened, and for a moment, I thought he would shove me away. But then, to my surprise, his arms hesitantly wrapped around me, as if unsure whether to embrace me or tear me apart. I held him tightly, trying to ignore the way my skin crawled under his touch.

"Kai, darling," I said, my voice sweet, but edged with steel. "If I had known you were coming down here, I would have had a guest room set up for you."

His eyes widened, confused. “You have a room here?”

I flashed him a playful smile. “Darling, I’m a VIP here. Of course, I would have a room. Now, I can’t stay long—Saxon and I have to head back upstairs. But if you’re still around in the morning, maybe we can have breakfast together. I’m sure the two of us would be delighted to catch up.”

I felt Saxon’s warm hand rest on my lower back, his touch a steadying force, like a secret ally. His support made the words flow more easily, gave me the confidence to look Kai in the eye without flinching.

But that was when I saw it—the flash of fury behind Kai’s cool exterior. His lips barely moved, but I could hear the venom in his words, low enough only for me to hear.

“I warned you, Lisa. No one walks away from me. No one.”

I didn’t flinch. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. I tilted my chin up, my smile unwavering. “And I told you, Kai,” I replied sweetly, "I'm not yours anymore. You lost that right a long time ago."

My smile wavered, just for a second, and I could feel the tremble creeping up my spine. No, I reminded myself. You escaped this monster. You're free now, and you always will be. Just keep smiling.

I raised my hand, a sharp gesture that summoned two security guards who quickly moved in and seized Kai, dragging him away. But even as they pulled him from the room, his voice sliced through the air, venomous and full of spite.

"You think you've won, but you're wrong, Lisa," he spat, the words like poison. "No one walks away from me. You’ll regret this. I’ll make sure of it."

His final words, before he disappeared from my sight, hit me like a gut punch. It was as if everything I had worked so hard to escape—the manipulation, the control, the fear—had come rushing back in that one chilling statement. I felt a coldness creep through my chest, a tightness in my throat.

But I didn’t let it show. Not now.

I forced my hand to steady as I signaled for another drink, trying to drown out the echoes of his words.

You are free, I reminded myself again, but this time, I wasn’t so sure.

“You better watch yourself, you whore. No one treats me this way. You will get what is coming your way you little bitch”

The weight of Kai’s words still hung heavy in the air, even as he was hauled away by security. But I forced myself to ignore the chill creeping along my spine and instead focused on the boys who stood behind me. Their faces, though often stoic, carried traces of concern.

Saxon was the first to step forward, his brow furrowed in the way he always did when something didn’t sit right with him. His hand hovered near my back, almost as if he was waiting for me to crumble. But I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. Not now. Not after everything, especially while everyone is watching..

“What the hell just happened?” James asked, his voice sharp, full of confusion and a touch of disbelief.

“Just a little family reunion,” I said, forcing a smile, though my heart wasn’t in it. I took a deep breath, letting the familiar scent of the bar’s rich wood and burning hearth ground me. The casino was supposed to be a safe haven. A place where the world outside didn’t intrude. But now, all I could feel was the oppressive weight of Kai’s shadow, looming even though he was gone.

“Lisa…” Saxon began softly, but I held up my hand, signaling him to stop.

“I’m fine,” I lied, though my throat tightened with the words. “But we need to talk. All of us.”

The boys exchanged a look, the unspoken question hanging in the air: What’s going on?

I met their gazes with as much conviction as I could muster. “Kai is still in the picture. And he’s not going to let me go easily. Not after everything that happened between us.”

Rico’s eyes darkened, his usual cocky demeanor gone. “You’ve been dealing with him for years, haven’t you?”

I nodded, unable to stop the memories that started to flood in—the manipulation, the promises of power, and the ever-tightening grip he had on my life. It felt like a different lifetime, but it wasn’t. It was now, and I had to face the fact that I couldn’t run from him. Not for long.

“I thought I was done with him,” I said, the words coming out quieter now. “But it’s clear he’s not finished with me.”

Saxon’s jaw clenched. “Then we deal with him,” he said firmly, his voice carrying the weight of someone who’d never back down. "Together."

The offer hung in the air, a lifeline. But part of me hesitated. I knew how deep Kai’s influence ran. And I wasn’t sure if this was something any of us were ready to face.

“I won’t drag you into this,” I said, shaking my head. “You don’t have to…”

“You’re not dragging us into anything, Lisa,” James interrupted, his voice unusually soft. “We’re in this because we’re with you. You don’t get to push us away now.”

I felt a lump form in my throat. It was hard to explain the guilt that swirled inside me, the hesitation I felt even as they stood by me. I’d been through enough to know that these kinds of situations didn’t end well. People got hurt.

Rico leaned in, his smirk still present but less taunting. “We’ve got your back. Besides, we’re not about to let some asshat ruin your night. I don’t care how many connections he’s got.”

Saxon’s hand brushed mine, the subtle touch grounding me in the moment. “We will fight this together. No more running.”

I looked between the four of them—my team, my friends. It was hard to suppress the wave of gratitude that washed over me, but there was still that sliver of fear, that nagging voice telling me not to trust anyone. The fear of losing again.

But I pushed it down, refusing to let Kai’s control extend any further. “Alright. But we need to move fast. We can’t let him get a hold of any more information. We need to figure out his next move before he does.”

They nodded, understanding the urgency. Saxon’s face was all determination now, and James looked every bit the strategist I knew him to be. Rico, ever the wildcard, didn’t even hesitate.

“We’ll start tonight,” Rico said, slinging an arm over my shoulder as if this were just another mission. “Let’s get ahead of this bastard.”

I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. “We’ll need more than a plan,” I said, eyes scanning the group. “We’ll need allies. People who owe us favors, or better yet, those who aren’t afraid to go up against him.”

Saxon nodded. “We’ll find them.”

“And the press?” James asked, eyebrows raised. “We’ll need to handle the damage Kai’s caused. He won’t let this slide quietly.”

“That’s the easy part,” I said, my lips curling into a grim smile. “I’ve dealt with the media before. We just need to control the narrative.”

“But you’ve never faced them when they’ve got a target on your back,” Rico said, his tone serious for once. “Kai will make sure he’s in every headline from here to the capital. You need to be ready for that.”

“I am,” I said, my resolve hardening. "I've been ready for this moment longer than I care to admit. I’m not going down without a fight."

As we finished our drinks, the weight of the decision settled on me. We had no idea what Kai would do next. But whatever it was, we would be ready. Together, we would face him down.

And no matter what it cost, I wasn’t going to let him win. Not again. I bid James and Rico a goodnight, and Kira, Saxon and I moved upstairs. This next part has nothing to do with the boys, they have only known me for my working career. This next part was not going to be easy.