Uhm... hi.

Alright.

First things first, I can't tell you my name cause' I don't remember anything about myself, just some general human knowledge and shits. This whole thing probably has something to do with that. I don't really mind. But that means I can't tell you my body count either.

Probably for the best.

Anyways, you might be wondering, "Who are you talking to?"

Well, you see, I tend to narrate my experiences to an imaginary audience whenever I'm scared or nervous. Also because it makes me feel special. It even comes to the point that I get to hear voices. Can't tell which reason is sadder.

Now that I've introduced myself, lemme tell you about my current predicament.

So I woke up in this really dark room. Like, really dark. Like see-nothing-at-all dark. Like Vin Diesel-sex dark. Not gonna lie, I couldn't tell whether my eyes were still closed or not. I might have panicked and pissed myself, just a little.

I moved around, trying to feel my way out of this place. I did my best to keep my cool while calmly screaming for help..

While I was destroying my lungs, I was also frantically running while flailing my arms around, just to really give that I-need-help kinda vibe. It also serves as an effective intimidation tactic. It could even be seen as a mating ritual. I don't know. Unfortunately, my brilliant display of retardedness was halted when I ran out of breath, so I just lay there on the ground, cursing myself for wasting valuable energy.

And that was when it happened.

I felt the very air around me, vibrating. I immediately stood up cause' I feel like lying down isn't a great move during a possible disaster. But I quickly stumbled down when the ground started rumbling. But it felt... weird. I've never actually experienced an earthquake before but I'm pretty sure it doesn't feel like a full-body vibrator. Not that I know how that feels like.

I started to calm down as I felt pleasure all over my body. So I just lay there, on the ground, without a care in the world. It almost made me forget that I was stranded in this dark room. Almost.

And just as I was about to climax, a bright light illuminated everything. Felt like a flashbang detonated in front of my face. Minus the bang.

As my eyes adjusted to the sudden burst of light, a voice rang out from all around me.

"Greetings, Beta tester."

...

And now you're caught up. From this point forward, everything is happening in real time. Kinda like live television but the reporter has no filter.

The voice seems to be female, with a touch of flair and formality in her tone.

I quickly get on my feet and look around. My eyes dart around the room, looking for the source of the sound.

But there isn't anyone around me.

No one to my left.

Right.

Front.

Back.

No one.

So I thought, since I'm hearing voices now, maybe talking to an imaginary audience isn't so bad after all.

"Greetings, Beta tester." She repeated.

My surroundings shake every time she(or maybe it, I just don't wanna be catfished anymore) speaks. Kinda scary. But even then, I still didn't answer, partially because I'm still dazed by the lights and also kind of upset that I got blue balled earlier.

"Greetings, Beta tester." She said, now with a hint of irritation in her voice.

At this point, I'm more curious about what will happen if I just don't answer her, cause' you know, why not? Morbid curiosity at its finest. Also, I'm already pretty sure she's referring to me since I don't see anyone else in here.

"Beta tester, answer me." She said in a rather threatening tone. The air also seemed... heavier, like I'm under pressure, pushing down on me, pushing down on me... Not a trace of her initial politeness could be seen.

But nah.

This won't make me budge. Maybe. Maybe just a little. But of course, I won't show it.

I sit back down on the floor and cross my legs as I take a meditation pose. I let my chakra or chi or the Force flow through my body.

"Oummmmm..."

"The fuck?" The voice says in disbelief. It's probably not everyday you see someone meditate in the middle of a rather tense situation.

I find her reaction amusing, and so I must continue.

I lie chest down on the ground, and start doing different yoga poses while lecturing an imaginary ground of students.

"This my students, is the tree pose." I said as I place my hands in a prayer position, and raise it above my head. I then raise my right foot and plant it on the side of my right knee. "Remember my students, relax. Let the energy flow through you."

"Hey! Stop it, what the fuck do you think you're doing?" She shouted. The air is really heavy now, but this won't deterr me from seeking enlightenment from yoga. At this point, I'm completely relaxed, and I can finally think clearly. And I hear my entire body whispering to me, telling me to keep going.

"My students, I will now teach you my favorite pose, the downward facing dog, or as I like to call it, modified doggy style." I calmly said as I raise my ass as high as I could, forming a triangle with my body. I stretch my arms to my front, and plant them firmly on the floor, letting my head bear the weight of my upper body. I don't even know if I'm doing it right but I don't hear anyone complaining.

"Stop it you fucking dumbass!"

Except for one, but she, or rather, it, doesn't count.

"I swear if you don't stop I'm gonna leave you here to rot. So if you wanna get the fuck out of here then you're gonna have to do as I say, do you understand?!" She screamed at me. The air feels suffocating now, and it's getting really hard to breath. So, this is probably a good time to stop. After all, she also makes a pretty good point.

"Namaste." I said as I bowed to my invisible pupils. "Okay guys, next session, I'm teaching you guys missionary and wallbanging! So don't be late!" I shouted as I waved my class goodbye.

I'm just such a cool yoga instructor. I should probably try it out sometime. Who knows, I might even get laid.

"Greetings, angry, invisible catfish! How may I be of service?" I said with a bright, business smile. Maybe I could even be a businessman. Part-time yoga instructor, part-time business man.

One day.

"Fuck you." She said as she made an exasperated sigh.

"Nice to meet you too." I said with another perfect smile.

"I don't wanna spend anymore time with you than I have to so let's just get this over with." She said wearily.

Guess my magnificent display earlier has taken a toll on her.

"Okay then, I just wanna get home too an-"

"Wait, just to clear things up, you're not going home. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever."

"W- what do you mean? Am I serving a life sentence here in this room or something? I don't understand." I said, even more confused than before.

"You're already dead."

"What."

"You heard me."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"Did not."

"Fuck you man."

"Do it, I'm ready."

...

All jokes aside, guessing there won't be anymore Netflix and chillin', huh? Holy shit, I'm not gonna be able to finish One Piece.

Wow, I'm honestly surprised that I'm taking my death quite lightly.

Not gonna lie, I actually don't think this may not be as bad as it seems.

No more bills to pay.

No more work.

Also, no tax! After all, they can't tax me if I'm dead.

Though I can no longer read manhwa, manga and Webtoons. Watch anime, Kdramas and movies. Get drunk and get high, not that I think I was an addict. I think the pros outweigh the cons, just barely.

You might be thinking that I'm cold for not thinking about my family but that's because I have none. Maybe. As far as I know or rather, remember, they're all dead.

The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

So yeah.

Nice.

"From the look on your face, I'm guessing you're done processing that, so now I'm gonna tell you why you're here." The voice said. I may have heard a bit of pity there, I don't know.

"Ok then, tell me. Why am I not in Heaven already?" I asked.

"Quite bold of you to assume you're going to Heaven. If anything, you're going straight to Hell. I know a few guys there who I can ask to give you some special treatment."

Well I'll be damned. She's got a bit of sass. Also, it's pretty interesting how nonchalantly she says that she knows some people in Hell. But she could be joking so, yeah.

To be honest, pretty sure she's being for real.

And man, her voice is so... femininely hot that I keep referring to her as her. See?! I did it again. I swear to God, if this bitch is actually a big, burly guy with a curly ass beard then I'm gonna fucking kill myself, and after that, Imma do it all over again.

Anyways, since I'm not going to Heaven, guess I'm not playing with angels today. It's fine though, demons are way hotter anyway, literally.

"Then, is this some sort of purgatory?" I inquired as I started fantasizing about hot demon babes.

"No, not really." She answered. "This is like a holding area, a prep room, if you will, for your new life."

"Uhuh..."

That may have been my reaction but inside I'm like,

'HOLY FUCK I'M GONNA GET A HAREM'

Cause well, to be honest, isekai is a genre riddled with trash stories, but if I'm gonna be living my life as the MC of an isekai, then I might as well indulge in a story chock full of wish fulfilment.

"Lemme stop you right there and say, No. You're not getting, as you humans call it, isekai'd into another world as humans. You're gonna be sent to an unnamed planet in its beta phase as different kinds of creatures, for entertainment and research purposes of course."

"Wait, what exactly do you mean by that?" I asked, my initial excitement gone, only to be replaced by a cold, heavy feeling in my chest. A different kind of heavy from the pressure I felt before. If I was under pressure back then, then now, my chest is now beating to the beat of Ice Ice Baby. In short, I'm nervous as fuck.

"One, you're not being sent to another world as a human."

That alone nearly made me breakdown. But I still have hope, maybe I'm gonna be turned into a goblin or something then evolve into other stuff. But what if I meet Goblin Slayer...

Fuck.

"Two, the planet is 90% aquatic. Meaning, at this stage, nearly all lifeforms are still aquatic based. So, no land creatures."

Kill me now.

"Three, you will be transformed into any aquatic creature of your choosing from your homeworld."

Wait, that's actually good. Maybe I could go for an octopus, cause' tentacles. Or I might even go with a sperm whale cause' ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

"Four, the creature you choose to become is indicative of your base lifespan, which could be exceeded depending on your performance."

I don't know how to feel about this one. What if I wanna be an immortal shrimp huh?

"Five, you'll have hyper-evolution. Also, you'll have the freedom to choose how you'll evolve, and when."

That's actually grea-

You know what, I won't even say it anymore. Don't wanna jinx it.

"To aid and to understand your growth, you will be provided with this." She said as an electric-blue, translucent screen appeared before me. It looked like a hologram, except I don't see anything projecting it. As of now, it's just a blank slate. Pretty sure that's gonna change soon.

Holy shit, this is for like, leveling up and shit. Oh my god I'm gonna be so fucking overpow-

"To make things clear, your growth depends on your ability to survive. Just like how humans train their bodies in various ways to strengthen themselves, you too, will have to work hard to get stronger. It's a common misconception by other human Beta testers that this gadget would grant you insurmountable strength with little to no effort." She explained.

She really knows how to ruin my mood.

FUCK, I MEANT IT. NOT SHE.

Speaking of which, we've already been fucking with each other for quite some time now but I still don't know her name.

"Finally," She continued. "Throughout your next life, you will be provided with an assistant to help you survive. Your assistant would provide you with important knowledge that you'd most certainly need throughout your lifespan. Don''t worry, I won't be the one assisting you, I'm done with assisting you annoying fuckers. Got promoted some time ago from that shit job." She said, I could almost see her grin in relief.

Must've been a really shit job if you had to cater to people like me all the time.

"Now that I'm done briefing you, let m-"

"Wait, before you say anything else, let me ask first, what should I call you?" I interrupted. It's getting kinda annoying just referring to her as, well, her. Or it, for that matter.

"I don't think that's necessary. A simple "Hey, you!" would suffice. After all, you have shown yourself capable of having no regard for etiquette and formality at all." She answered.

Sassy ass bitch.

"You know, since you're formless and all, how about Siri?"

"As I've said, that is un-"

"Or maybe Sam, as in, Samsung Sam?"

"No. Don't interru-"

"I guess Jarvis could work too. But Jarvis has a male voice so, maybe Friday?" I wondered.

"Please don't do this shit again." She pleaded.

"Which do you prefer?"

"None of em'. Liste-"

"So your choices are either Siri, Sam, or Friday. Pick one."

"Neither. So just shut the fu-"

"Yeah, I don't see you as a Siri at all. You don't seem like a Friday either. Sam it is then."

"Hey!"

The sudden quaking made me back off for a bit. The air suddenly felt tense again and the pressure is back on.

"Stop it. I'm not your dog for you to name just whatever you want! And there is absolutely no fucking way I'm letting you call me S-"

"Alright Sam, what's next?" I said with a mocking grin.

I could almost hear her sigh.

And as you can see, I've given up on the catfish thing.

An uneasy silence filled the room. I can't see Sam but I can feel her eyes glaring at me. Can't blame her, I'm giving her the time of her life after all.

"Hey Sam? Are you there?" I asked, a bit nervous because she might've actually left me here.

Fortunately, she wasn't as much of an asshole as I was.

"I don't care anymore. Just do whatever you want. Kill yourself too while you're at it." She said nonchalantly.

"Okay, thought you left me here to die for a second." I sighed.

"Don't give me ideas."

...

"Well, what now?" I said while limbering up, just in case something happens. Cause' you know, something always happens.

"Now, you choose what kinda fish you turn into."

She could've said it a little better to add some oomph in it, you know?

"Alright, no big deal, I'm just picking the lifeform that I'll live as for the next, possibly, 100 years." I said, sweating a little.

"I'd normally say "Good luck" or something but for you? Hope you mess up." She snickered. I can almost feel her smirking. I just wanna grab her and... lightly strangle her, you know what I mean?

"Thank you so much for the kind words, Sam."

The blank screen shifted into what seemed like a character selection mode. Different kinds of creatures appeared on the screen alphabetically. Each creature's description is listed below their pictures. Kind of reminds me of a pokedex. Scrolling and reading through 'em all will probably take ages.

"This little fish is too small. This looks like a bitch. This one just screams, "Kill me". And this one's a little too tasty."

Turns out, this kinda choice is pretty hard to make. I mean, there's a randomizer at the bottom right corner of the screen but I don't think that's a good idea.

But oh well, there are only 2 creatures that I actually plan to choose from anyways, and that is the Sperm Whale and the octopus.

Not gonna lie, the fact that I'm still able to joke about this baffles me. I'm either the ballsiest motherfucker around or the dumbest. Talk about lack of self-awareness. Either way, I'm the best at what I do-ish.

You know what, lemme just...

Eeny...

Meeny...

Miny...

Moe!

...

"Sperm whale, I choose you!" I said while imitating Ash Ketchup, my 10-year old hero.

"Weird ass mofo..." Sam muttered.

Coming from her, that kinda stung.

"Anyways, what's next?" I shrugged. I just wanna get the hell out of here. Sam's a bitch, and an asshole too.

Kinda rich coming from me but, I don't fare well with my own kind. I mean, it was kinda cringe but come on, it's Pokémon.

"You can change your coloration, you know?" She said in monotone. Pretty sure she also wants me out of here.

"Yeah, I wanna keep it at default settings. Character customization just isn't my thing." I said.

Also, I don't wanna die looking like an aquatic traffic light.

"Sure." She said, "Moving on..."

The screen changes again into one of what seems to be a globe, except that it's not of Earth. I know cause' I don't see a bazillion plastic bags in the ocean. And the general lack of landforms. Basically, it's all water, save for a few blotches of land here and there.

Guess it's time to choose where to spawn.

"So this is the place huh? It looks very... watery." I said, in the smartest way possible. That is by focusing on the globe and spinning it as fast as I could.

"Yes, I believe I've already informed you of this." She says coolly. "You may choose wherever you'd like to spawn, just don't spawn on land, for obvious reasons."

I stop spinning the globe and just stare at it for a while. It really hasn't set in yet that I'll be living a new life as a big ass whale in a new world. It feels so easy yet so... crazy to wrap my head around it.

Now that I think about it, I can't tell which place is a good place to spawn into. Not good.

"Hey Sam, do you have any suggestions on where would be a good place to spawn in?"

"By the little yet vast knowledge about you that I have gained from the moment we met, you'd have no problem dying in the dumbest ways in the safest places." She mocked.

Guess she won't be of any help to me on this one.

Actually, you know what?

Fuck it.

Just like the character customization screen, this one too has a randomize button on it. So yeah. What's the worst that could happen?

I press the button and the globe starts spinning rapidly while making this weird robotic noise. It keeps on getting faster and faster so you can't really blame me for starting to get nervous. I mean, my life is on the line.

I'm starting to think that the randomizer was a bad idea.

'Fuck you shit motherfucker dickhead asshat dumbass little shit ass sewer rat looking rotten egg smelling globe you poor ass beggar you better gimme a good spot you fucking bitchy ass acoustic-'

Then it stopped.

Maybe it heard my kind words?

The globe halted its rotation as sudden as it began. But now there was a glowing dot in the middle of a really dark spot in the vast ocean. Its like a really dark spot, like a beauty mark, which made me think that I really fucked up this time.

But what makes me sure of the severity of the situation, is that Sam is silent. She usually has something to say but the fact that she's silent makes me rethink all my life choices.

This also means she either is speechless about my current predicament or she left me here to die knowing how

"Might be too late now but you know, I got connections that gave me enough power to sort of... control the randomizer." She said in a slow, almost shy voice.

I'm fucked.

"What have you done?" I said in the deepest and manliest voice I could muster. And I'm pretty surprised that my voice went that DEEP.

I would've spent more time being in awe of myself if it wasn't for the situation at hand.

...

"Ave Maria~"

'Oh shit, she's seen Batman'

"SAM, WHAT HAVE YOU DON-"

…

Waves crashing.

Unfamiliar fishes swimming about.

Water everywhere around me.

Magnificent coral reefs scattered over the underwater plains.

A deep, dark, blue chasm looms below.

My body... is not my own. I can't see my legs; my arms.

I can't twist my neck. Do I even have a neck? Oh my god…

Am I a Discord mod?

My limbs... my flippers are flailing around as I panic

An electronic jolt and the sound of something booting up signals my memory to return to me.

It's all coming back to me now.

The plethora of alien life surrounding me overwhelms me as the realization hits me right in the guts.

It’s all real.

...

'I'm so fucked.'