“Ok, I just need you to sign here, here, aaand here, Mr. Thomas. Oh, and initial there,” the clerk said, sliding a document in front of Phil. Reese grabbed the nearby pen and handed it to him. He briefly marveled at the chain, surprised that even in this strange environment of superpowered people that pen theft was still a thing.
“Um, sure. Here, here, and here? Ok. Oh, right,” he slapped his initials in the indicated spot and slid the paper back. The clerk gave a practiced smile, then slid him a key card similar to the one Reese had given him.
“Congratulations, Mr. Thomas. You’re in a whole new tax bracket now.”
Phil’s face went slack. “Taxes?”
Reese giggled. “One of two constants in the universe, Phil. You’ll never escape them.”
“Right. Death and taxes,” he muttered. To the clerk, “Is that all? I kind of expected more paperwork.”
“That’s it, sir. The rest of the paperwork was taken care of by the council.”
Phil frowned at the mention of the council but nodded. “Alright. If that’s all?”
“It is, sir. Have a good day.”
“Thank you. You too.” He turned and left the counter they were standing at, rejoining Britt and Rose in the guild’s lobby where they’d entered. Once together, Reese grabbed his hand.
“Let me see your finger. Britt?”
Wordlessly, Britt reached down and pulled a small dagger from her boot. Phil’s eyes went wide.
“Is that why the guard said you needed to be searched further?”
“Only a fucking moron goes anywhere unarmed,” she said as she handed Reese the weapon handle first.
“I didn’t even know you used weapons. I just kinda figured you…”
“Punched everything? Do I look like the incredible Hulk to you?” She glared at him.
Not with tits like those, he thought to himself. Out loud he said, “Not at all. Sorry for being presumptuous.”
She cocked an eyebrow at him but didn’t say anything. He suddenly felt a prick on his index finger.
“Ow! What the hell!?” Reese grinned at him as she quickly sheathed the dagger and handed it back to Britt.
“Press that against the card you were just given.”
“What?”
“You need to bind the card to yourself, and you do that with blood. Well, I guess you could’ve spit on it, but the spell works best with blood.”
Giving Reese a dirty look, Phil pulled the card out of pocket and pressed it against his bleeding finger. “Is that all? Do I need to do anything else?” Reese shook her head and pointed at the card, indicating he should keep watching. The small amount of blood coming from his finger soon stretched and thinned out as it began forming shapes on the surface of the card, then they faded from existence, taking the blood with them. He pulled his finger away and stared at the blank card. He looked at the women, raising his eyebrow.
Rose reached out and held his hand. Her eyes glowed briefly, and when she let go the cut on his finger was gone. She gave him a small smile but didn’t say anything.
“Welcome to the guild, party leader,” said Reese, slapping him on the back.
Britt sighed. “Guess there’s no way around it now. I’m going to put together a training plan for you. If I’m stuck with you, you should at least be able defend yourself.”
Phil stared at Britt in surprise, but she waved him off.
“Look, I’ve already lost one party leader. I don’t want to lose another if I can help it. Looks bad on the resume, you know? Besides, it took some stones to stand up to a councilmember like that.” With that, she turned and started making her way to the portal. Rose smiled at her friend’s back and moved to follow.
Reese leaned in and spoke softly to Phil, a tone of wonder in her voice. “Not bad, hero. You scored some points with most stubborn one in the group.”
“Huh,” Phil grunted in wonder. He felt a soft sensation on his cheek, then Reese danced away from him.
“That’s on credit. Lead us well. Now let’s go home, shall we?”
Numbly, Phil ran his fingers across his cheek, stunned at the soft kiss she’d just planted there. Credit for what? he wondered. Filing that away to ponder later, he pocketed his keycard and moved to follow the girls.
*
The next three months were extremely busy for the team. Brittany followed through with her promise and put together a training plan for him the included endless amounts of cardio, free weights, martial arts, and a healthy diet. When he asked how much she planned to teach him, she told him “Just enough to get your ass kicked.” When he pointed out that he was already proficient in getting his ass kicked, she added five miles to his morning runs. Phil kept his mouth shut after that.
Rose took over teaching him the administration side of being a party leader. He hadn’t realized how much the guild ran on forms and reports. It wasn’t something that was generally covered in the games he’d played or the books he’d read. When he remarked on that to her, she proceeded to lecture him for hours on the importance of meticulous record keeping and focusing on the little details. Phil kept his mouth shut after that.
Reese was in charge of teaching him battle tactics, history, and the different types of quests they could expect to be given. She had him play numerous video games that focused on strategy and party management. When Phil pointed out that he wasn’t going to have the bird’s eye view of the battlefield like he did in the game, she proceeded to lecture him about the importance of three dimensional thinking and not limiting himself to what was just in front of him. She then gave him an ancient guild text on what was expected of a party and quizzed him mercilessly until he could recite it from memory. Phil kept his mouth shut after that.
Phil was introduced to the training yard behind the house. In it, automatons simulated various types of enemies the team had faced in the past, and it was Phil’s job to defeat them by giving the girls orders. He was dismayed to learn that he hadn’t seemed to develop any powers of his own after receiving Bruce’s essence, which forced him in to a purely strategist role unable to participate in attacking alongside the women. It wasn’t that he was eager for combat, in fact the very idea terrified him, but he couldn’t get over the idea of sending them out into danger while he stayed back and barked orders. He usually had Rose near him during these exercises, since her offensive skills were minimal. She was a support role type, as he had come to think of it. That left Brittany as their tank, which he was smart enough not to say to her face, and Reese as their damage dealer. This was a shift for her, as Bruce used to have that role while she did long range attacks.
She’d taken Phil down to the basement one day and shown him the armory stored there, hoping they could find something that might up his combat potential, but they were unable to do so. Any armor Bruce had stored there was for someone much stronger and larger than Phil. Phil himself was astounded at the collection, no matter how useless it was to him. Some armor was straight out of a fantasy game and completely unacceptable for wear in the modern day city, unless one didn’t mind causing a commotion everywhere they went. There was more practical armor, of course. Leather jackets with chainmail hidden in the lining. Leather jerkins that could be worn under shirts and coats. Reinforced motorcycle helmets. Gloves with armored knuckles. Military looking uniforms. All of it heavy and sized for the man who used to be more than twice his size. Phil couldn’t help but smirk at one particular weapon he came across.
“Really?” he said, pointing at the item hanging on the wall.
Reese rolled her eyes. “Yes, really.” She reached up and grabbed the frying pan. A sad look crossed her face as she looked at it. “He had the oddest sense of humor.”
After their exploration of the home armory, they took a group trip back to the guild and perused the armory shop there. It proved to be an exercise in futility, however. They found some items that would help boost his defense, but they already had stuff like that back home. It was offense that he was lacking. When he asked about firearms, the women stared at him.
“What?” he asked.
Britt turned to the clerk. “Sergey, you still got that gun?”
Sergey nodded. “Don’t leave home without it,” he said, patting his hip.
Britt lined up with the girls and said, “fire away.”
“Wait, what!?” Phil squealed, but couldn’t say or do anything else before Sergey whipped out his pistol and fired round after round at the women. Reese held out her hand and stopped the rounds heading towards her, letting them hang in the air for a second before they dropped to the ground. Rose was shot numerous times, including once in the forehead, but each bullet was immediately pushed back out of her body and the wound healed. Phil was stunned the forehead shot hadn’t killed her. Britt just stood there, arms crossed as each bullet hit her and stopped, none coming close to breaking her skin. The slide on the gun quickly locked back. Sergey was already sliding a new magazine into place when Phil held out his hand.
“Okay! I got it! No guns. What the hell!? Warn me next time, alright? Rose, are you okay? You took a shot to the face!” Sergey and Reese both snorted at his comment, and he rolled his eyes. “Real mature, guys. Seriously, though, Rose. How are you still alive?”
Rose blushed lightly at his worried expression. “I, uh, can heal myself immediately. Any damage done is fixed so quickly the body doesn’t even know it was hurt. It doesn’t heal my clothes, though,” she added, glaring at Britt as she poked a finger through one of the holes in her shirt. “I really liked this shirt,” she muttered.
“Immediately? Wouldn’t that, like, make you immortal?”
She shook her head. “You know I can only do so much with my healing. If we’re in a fight and I’m healing others as well as myself, I get tired quickly. That slows down my healing. If it gets too bad, I’ll die, just like anyone else.”
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Britt lightly thumped Phil on the back of the head. Or at least she thought she had. Her strength compared to Phil’s meant that her light thump was equal to a roundhouse kick. She panicked briefly as he rolled along the floor and bounced off a nearby shelf, but quickly schooled her face to show disdain. She had a reputation to maintain, even if she did feel bad about what she did. She covered it up by speaking angrily.
“Haven’t you been paying attention during our training sessions? I thought you understood the importance of keeping the healer safe at all costs.” I really am sorry! she thought as he picked himself up and gratefully accepted the healing from Rose. He gave Britt a sheepish grin.
“You’re absolutely right, Britt. I’m sorry for forgetting the fundamentals. If we go down, she can get us back up, but of she goes down, we’re in trouble. And, uh, thanks for holding back on the hit.”
Britt’s eyes widened slightly, not realizing he’d been able to tell. He’s changing, she thought. “Well, next time I won’t. Don’t forget the basics. I think we’re done here, don’t you?” She stomped out before anyone had a chance to answer her. She passed by Reese and Sergey as they were talking quietly amongst themselves but overheard a portion as she passed by.
What the fuck’s a tsundere?
*
“Remember when he could barely look any of us in the eye?” Rose asked Britt as they sat down for lunch upon returning.
Britt scoffed. “He still stares at my tits too much. Although I will admit that he’s putting in some honest effort. He doesn’t slack off in the gym, and his run time is dropping. I don’t think he’s ever exercised this much in his life.”
“Probably not,” agreed Rose. “I got the impression his whole life was just work and video games. That incubus leeching off of him was probably a huge contributing factor though. He said they’d been friends since middle school. Poor guy never had a chance to spread his own wings if Chuck’s been draining him for that long.”
Britt chuckled. “What a stupid name for an arch nemesis. ‘Chuck the Incubus!’” she said grandly, then laughed. “The wimp can’t even make tough enemies.”
Rose looked thoughtful as she picked at her salad. “I don’t know about that.”
Britt raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to go on.
Putting her fork down, Rose folded her hands in front of her on the table and focused on Britt. “Imagine it. To Philip’s mind, that was his best friend for fifteen years. They did everything together, right? Well, most things. He even said the only reason he has any experience with women at all is because Chuck helped him meet a few. We sit back and clearly see that Chuck hand fed him and strung him along for so long, but that’s only become clear to Philip in the last couple months. That doesn’t erase the previous decade and a half. Philip has to reconcile 15 years of friendship with the idea that Chuck wants to kill him now. Villainous name or not, this is going to be Philip’s toughest challenge yet.”
Britt mulled that over as she chewed her sandwich. Could she suddenly handle having to fight her best friend? She didn’t have to think too hard on the subject. Bruce had been her best friend. They’d trained endlessly together. Fought side by side. When he’d turned, she hadn’t been able to do anything against him. Even if he hadn’t ordered them to not bring it up, she knew she wouldn’t have been able to raise her fists against him. Even after what he’d done to Reese. She’d been furious, yeah. She’d destroyed the gym in her rage at his audacity, but the idea of crushing him into the ground had never crossed her mind.
Now Phil was stuck in a kill or be killed scenario against his old friend. What would he do? How would he handle it? He hadn’t talked about Chuck since that first month when he’d decided to open up to everyone about himself and what kind of person he saw himself as, which basically boiled down to him saying he was the most boring person in existence as far as Britt was concerned. When they asked him his plan for Chuck, Phil had actually shrugged and said they’d cross that bridge when they got to it. Meaning he didn’t have a clue. Britt did have to concede Rose’s point though. Silly name or not, Chuck will be Phil’s biggest challenge. Could he do what she hadn’t been able to?
“Well, let’s hope that skinny body of his has a massive set of balls. Fighting a friend won’t be easy.” With that, Britt fell silent and continued eating her lunch. Rose eyed her for a second, a little surprised that Britt hadn’t gone further in insulting him. She usually took every opportunity she was given. Calling him skinny was so tame as to sound affectionate. Had his tenacity started to chip away at the tank’s armor? Rose smiled softly to herself as she continued eating.
*
“So what powers those automatons anyway?” Phil asked Reese as they reviewed the previous day’s training footage on the big screen in the living room. Phil winced as he saw himself take a hit to the small of the back. He’d been so focused on the group Britt had been clobbering that he never noticed the one that had managed to flank them and attack him from the rear.
“I’m honestly not sure. Bruce had them custom built by an old friend of his father’s,” she glanced over at the other side of the couch in time to see him frown at the mention of Robert. “They’re customizable to cover just about any scenario that we could think of. Why?”
“Just curious. I’m still getting used to this whole sword and sorcery in the 21st century thing. Figured it was some type of magic you might be familiar with. Something like them would be helpful to have as backup during a quest or something, ya know? They’re surprisingly agile, and not many things can take a hit from Britt like that.” He indicated the screen where Britt had just sent one of the humanoid figures flying with a right cross, only to have it stand back up and rush her again.
“Well, they’re made of mithril. Even Britt would have to put in some serious effort to damage it.”
“Mithril? That’s real? Like the armor they gave Frodo in the Lord of the Rings?”
Reese laughed. “Yes, it’s real. Not quite as shiny as usually depicted though. Only master artisans put in that much effort. It works just as well without all the polishing. Besides, something that shiny is just a beacon on the battlefield…’ she trailed off, earning her a look from Phil, but she ignored him. Mithril armor. It was light enough, but they didn’t have any in the armory to test out. Realizing that Phil was still staring at her, she held up a hand as the look of an idea striking her crossed her face. She quickly whipped out her phone and shot off a text.
“What?” Phil asked.
“I think I have an idea. Don’t get your hopes up yet, but I think I solved your armor problem.”
“My armor problem?”
“The fact that the stuff we have is too big and heavy for you to wear. Rose and I only wear light armor because it gets in our way when casting, and Britt is pretty much made of armor. You’re the only one who really needs it.” Phil made a face, but she waved it off. “Nothing to be ashamed about. We’ve never had a straight human to think about like this before. Even the guild had nothing, remember? The armor there is designed to work with someone’s natural traits and abilities. You don’t have any that we’ve been able to discern. The body armor the police and military use is woefully inadequate for this line of work, so we can’t put you in that.”
Britt and Rose walked in at that point. Over her shoulder Britt was carrying one of the training automatons. Making her way to wear Reese indicated and dropped it on the floor with a loud clatter.
“Okay, I brought one. Wanna tell us what this is all about?” Britt said, crossing her arms.
Rose leaned down, examining the dummy closely, then smiled. She waved Phil over.
“Pick it up,” she said.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Pick it up. Even you should be able to lift one of these.”
Giving her a wary look, Phil bent over and hooked his hands in the armpits of the metallic doll and lifted. He was surprised to find it a lot lighter than he’d anticipated. Maybe a hundred pounds at the most. Still pretty heavy for him though, despite the intense workouts Britt put him through. He grunted while he lifted it but managed to get it standing. It was facing him now, and he couldn’t help but stare into the holes where the eyes should be.
“Is this hollow?” he asked, looking over its shoulder at Reese who was running her hands up and down its back.
“Mmhmm,” she grunted absentmindedly as she searched for something. “Ah! I thought so!” she declared and pressed something Phil couldn’t see. The suit immediately went stiff in his hands.
“You can let go,” Reese said. “It’ll stand on its own now.”
Phil released his grip and backed away, half expecting it to collapse, but found it standing solid. Britt raised an eyebrow at the display.
“I thought these could only work in the training yard?”
Reese nodded. “As automatons, yes. But do you remember what Bruce told us about Jonas?”
“That he was some kind of mad scientist type?” ventured Rose.
Reese smiled and nodded excitedly. “Exactly! Also that he was a huge geek. Loved anime, video games, and comic books.”
“And? What does that have to do with anything?” asked Britt, irritated at Reese dancing around her point.
“Everything! What was his specialty?”
Rose’s eyes flashed, suddenly catching on to Reese’s point. “Armor!”
Phil stared at the two of them, then exchanged a confused look with Britt. “You have any idea what they’re talking about?”
She shook her head. “Not a clue.”
Rose and Reese ignored the exchange, pouring over the magical robot.
“The chest, maybe?” asked Rose.
Reese snapped her fingers and pointed at Rose before moving around to the front and running her hands up and down. Her face fell when she shook her head.
“Nothing. I guess that makes sense. Take a hit to the chest and it would just pop open, defeating the purpose. Maybe somewhere not as accessible or easily targeted? Check the joints?” They resumed their search, hands running up and down the form in a way that started to make Phil uncomfortable. Reese noticed his shifting stance and decided to tease him a little, running her hand down the torso and crotch area. She almost laughed at how big his eyes got until her hand was firmly between its legs.
“Oh!” she squeaked out in a mix of surprise and embarrassment. “Well, um, that’ll make getting you out all the more interesting.”
“Getting me out?” he said. Rose smiled and pushed with her middle finger. Phil heard a click and the automaton suddenly started opening up. He’d thought it was a series of solid plates connected to resemble a human, but it turned out to be a series of much smaller interlocking panels that suddenly shifted and moved, revealing a cavity in the torso. The arms and legs also opened up in a similar manner while the head split down the middle and retracted into itself.
“You gotta be shitting me,” said Britt. “Are they all like that?”
Reese shrugged. “Probably. You grabbed this one at random, right?”
Britt nodded. “Closest one I could find.”
“Then I’d wager they’re all like this. Something to remember one day, I guess. Come on, Phil. Take a closer look.”
Phil approached the suit, peering inside the torso. He ran his hand across the back, noting the weathered padding. Since the automatons were normally just left in the training yard, they’d been exposed to the elements, and clearly that had an affect on their interior.
“He made an Iron Man suit?”
“Mithril Man. Said he was a geek, right? I can’t believe this didn’t occur to us earlier,” said Reese.
“Why would it?” asked Britt. “Bruce never told us anything about this. We always just assumed they were training dummies. What led you to this idea, anyway?”
“We were talking about armor and mithril, then I remembered that these were made out of the stuff and were hollow. I was going to suggest cannibalizing one to make a chest plate for him, but when I saw the seams on it, I got the idea that the crazy bastard might’ve done a bit more than we planned for.”
“But you said you don’t know how they work. How do we know it’s safe?” Phil asked, turning his back to the suit to talk to Reese. She shrugged.
“Well, we don’t. Someone’s gonna have to test it out.”
Phil’s eyes quickly flicked to Britt, considering she was the toughest one in the group. She, however, thought differently.
“Oh, hell no. I am not your fucking guinea pig. I don’t even think I’d fit in that thing anyway. Why the hell did your eyes go to my chest when I said that!?” She glared at him, causing him to take a step back and put his hands up in surrender.
“Sorry! I didn’t mean to look! It was just a reflex action!”
She took a step forward, cracking her knuckles. “You’re about to see a reflex action, buddy! Better don that suit so we can test it out as I whoop your ass.”
“W-what?” he stammered out.
“Get in the fucking robot, Phil!” She punctuated the demand by poking his chest with two fingers hard enough to force him back. He stumbled back into the suit and it immediately started closing around his chest. Worried he’d lose them, he scrambled to get his legs and arms in place in case the suit decided to seal itself through them. As silently as it opened, it closed itself around him. Unable to move as it did so, Phil started to feel claustrophobic. His limbs were locked in place, and he could feel the helmet moving around his head. Suddenly realizing his face was about to be closed in, he started panicking and hyperventilating. Not being able to move sucked enough, but to have your main senses cutoff too? Phil didn’t think he’d be able to handle that. He was only able to squeak as the last pieces slid into place, covering his mouth. All he could do now was see out of the eyeholes, and all he saw was the girls staring at him. He could see them trying to talk to him, but the suit cutoff his hearing. He tried telling them that, but they obviously couldn’t hear him. He couldn’t even shake his head to show them he couldn’t hear them. He was firmly locked in place.
Stuck in this position and overwhelmed by everything, Phil did the only thing he was capable of at the moment: he passed out.