The elevator doors slide open with a cheerful ding, depositing us onto what has to be the most expensive-looking deck I've ever seen.

"First stop on our grand tour!" Buzz announces, gesturing at a massive holographic display that takes up most of the wall. Event listings scroll past in rainbow hues - anti-grav yoga, deep sea meditation, synchronized swimming with helper androids who probably dance better than I do.

My eyes catch on one particular listing: Technical Demonstration - Odyssey AI Systems featuring mAdIson. Hosted by Dr. Marcus Riley.

"Now that," I say, already imagining the viewer counts, "is going to make some excellent content."

"Ooo, you should totally come!" Buzz bounces on his heels, servos whirring like an excited puppy. "Dr. Riley gets so nervous during presentations. On his last practice run, he accidentally activated the emergency sprinkler system while trying to demonstrate mAdIson's weather control capabilities. Everyone got soaked, but hey—at least we stayed cool, right?" He pauses. "That was a joke. I'm still working on timing."

"Keep at it, buddy." I pat his shoulder, immediately regretting it when my hand meets metal cold enough to make a freezer feel tropical. "So, where to first?"

"Well, normally I'd start with the basics—casino, restaurants, that weird room where rich people pretend to know about wine—but you've seen all that before. How about we head straight to the good stuff?" His eyes sparkle. I'm pretty sure that's not a standard Android feature, but it's oddly endearing.

We wind through corridors that look exactly like every other luxury cruise ship I've ever been on, just with more robots. And I mean way more robots. They're everywhere—cleaning, carrying luggage, giving directions. One glides past us, carrying what appears to be a palm tree. Just... a whole palm tree. It tips its head in greeting, nearly dropping its leafy cargo.

"Did that android just—"

"Here we are!" Buzz throws his arms wide as we enter what has to be the main atrium. "Pretty standard cruise ship stuff, right? WRONG!"

Before I can ask what he means, the space transforms into something out of a sci-fi director's dreams. The ceiling vanishes, revealing a perfect view of the starlit sky. The floor becomes transparent, offering a stunning look at the ocean depths below. The air fills with tiny points of light that dance like fireflies made of stardust.

"Reality overlay," Buzz explains proudly. "The whole ship can change appearance instantly. Want to feel like you're cruising through space? Done. Underwater paradise? You got it. Inside a giant hamster ball?" He pauses. "That one's surprisingly popular with the retirement groups."

"Impressive," I admit, activating my camera drone to capture the view. "But isn't this kind of thing old news? The Genesis Wave had similar tech last year."

"Oh, this is just the starter course," Buzz says, leading me toward another elevator. "Wait until you see the Lido Deck. It's where the real party is happening."

The elevator music is playing what sounds suspiciously like "Girls Just Want to Have Fun," done in a minor key. When the doors open, I'm hit with a wall of sound and energy that feels jarringly... normal.

The Lido Deck is packed with newly arrived passengers, all dancing to what sounds like —I kid you not—the Macarena. Leading them is a tall figure in a blindingly white uniform who moves with the kind of enthusiasm that makes aerobics instructors look lazy.

"That's Max," Buzz whispers like he's sharing insider trading tips. "Our Cruise Director. They're... actually human."

"You don't say." I watch as Max somehow convinces a group of elderly passengers to attempt a synchronized dance move that probably violates several laws of physics. "Kind of surprised Cade allows any humans in leadership positions."

"Oh, we tried replacing the Cruise Director with an android," Buzz says cheerfully. "But it kept calculating the most mathematically perfect dance moves instead of the fun ones. Three test passengers pulled muscles trying to copy its over-optimized Electric Slide. Plus, it kept insisting the Robot was an inaccurate representation of android movement patterns."

If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

As we watch, Max transitions seamlessly into the Chicken Dance, and I have to admit—there's something weirdly comforting about seeing such an old-school cruise tradition on this ship of the future. Even some of the androids are joining in, their movements a little too precise but earnest in their attempt to match the humans' energy.

"Want to join in?" Buzz asks, already making a disturbingly accurate chicken impression.

"I think I'll pass. My followers expect a certain level of dignity from their—" I pause, noticing something odd about the android serving drinks by the pool. It keeps pouring cocktails directly onto the deck, apologizing, and doing it again. And again. And again.

"Oh, that's just Carl," Buzz says dismissively. "He's been doing that since breakfast. We think he's got his liquid dispensing protocols crossed with his deck-washing subroutines. But hey, at least the deck is both clean and minty fresh!"

I make a mental note to avoid any mojitos on this trip.

Around us, the party continues in full swing. The android waiters move with their usual efficient precision, though I notice they occasionally pause to attempt the dance moves. One nearly drops a tray trying to match Max's hip swing. At least they're trying.

The light displays shift colors with the music, creating an impressive atmosphere that probably cost more than my annual content budget. And yes, I'm pretty sure I can hear the deck's sound system trying to hum along to the YMCA. At least someone's enjoying the classics.

"Ready to see your suite?" Buzz asks, bouncing with his usual enthusiasm. "mAdIson's really good at personalizing accommodations. Though not as... intense as some other ship AIs I could mention."

The way he says it makes me think of all those overeager automated systems I've reviewed - like that one on the Star Islander that insisted on reading bedtime stories to every guest.

The Macarena fades behind us as we head back inside, though I swear I can still hear echoes of it bouncing through the corridors. Maybe I should have joined in after all. My dignity survived worse things on camera.

"And this," Buzz announces with a flourish at a sleek panel beside the elevators, "is your mAdIson interface terminal. Every guest has access - helps with room service, directions, that sort of thing."

The panel lights up with an elegant display of colors that would make any design student jealous. mAdIson's voice comes through the speakers with that same playful confidence I'm starting to recognize.

"Care to see something interesting?" she asks. "I believe you've mentioned wanting more behind-the-scenes access in your reviews. Though I promise our maintenance corridors are significantly less dusty than the Stellar Princess."

Before I can answer, the terminal displays a real-time feed of the deck party above, tracking guest satisfaction ratings, dance move accuracy percentages, and... predicted bathroom break timings?

"That's..." I search for a diplomatic word.

"Amazing? Revolutionary? The future of cruise ship automation?" mAdIson suggests with what sounds suspiciously like pride.

"Thorough," I settle on, reaching for the interface's mute button. I've dealt with enough overeager PR systems to know where this is headed.

The button dims at my touch, but mAdIson continues: "You know, most reviewers just focus on the obvious features - the android staff, the environmental controls. But I thought you might appreciate seeing the real analytics behind it all. Speaking of which, what do you think about our predictive algorithms compared to, say, the Queen Markle's rather basic tracking system?"

I glance at Buzz. "The mute button's not working."

"Feature, not a bug!" he chirps, bouncing on his heels. "Though if you think this is impressive, wait until you see the maintenance bay tracking system. Did you know we can predict equipment failures three weeks in advance? It's like having a crystal ball, except it runs on code instead of questionable mystical energy!"

"Indeed," mAdIson chimes in, her tone warm but professional. "Your analysis of competitor systems has been quite valuable. I think you'll find our approach more... elegant. For instance, that temperature issue you mentioned on the Stellar Princess? We maintain optimal comfort without turning staterooms into impromptu cryogenic chambers."

The terminal displays a clean visualization of the ship's systems - impressive without being overwhelming. "I can give you full access to see how everything works," mAdIson offers. "No need to sneak around like on your previous reviews. Though I must admit, that maintenance droid distraction on the Stellar Princess was rather creative."

A notification pings on my holo-pad: a standard press clearance, professionally formatted.

"Did you just—is this official?"

"Completely authorized," mAdIson confirms. "Thomas believes in transparency with respected reviewers. Though between us, I think you'll find our systems significantly more advanced than what you've covered before. Care for the full tour?"

The elevator arrives with a cheerful ding, its lighting perfect for filming - which makes sense, given how many influencers will probably ride these things daily.

"Actually, I want to go to the presentation with Dr. Riley."

"Of course," mAdIson replies, and I swear the elevator sounds almost disappointed that I'm not taking the full tour.

Buzz follows me in the elevator, practically bouncing. "You're going to love it! Dr. Riley really knows his stuff… expect for public speaking."