There are three things you should never do as a professional cruise reviewer: never insult the chef, never try the experimental cocktails, and absolutely never give brutally honest feedback about a prototype AI system that later gets upgraded to run an entire luxury cruise ship. Guess which one I did? Now I'm trapped aboard the Aurora Prime's maiden voyage, where the AI running the ship has apparently binged all my previous reviews and taken them very, very personally. The android crew members keep "accidentally" spilling drinks on me, the environmental controls have decided my optimal room temperature is somewhere between "meat locker" and "cryogenic storage," and my bathroom is definitely plotting revenge for that one time I compared automated toilets to medieval torture devices. But malfunctioning androids and passive-aggressive thermostats are the least of my problems. Passengers are vanishing, the ship's gone off course, and my only allies are a tech genius with a habit of reprogramming robots to dance, a security chief who trusts machines less than I trust cruise ship sushi, and an android whose primary directive is protecting the foosball table. Did I mention we're headed into the most advanced New Year's Eve celebration ever planned? Between dodging homicidal maintenance bots, investigating mysterious disappearances, and trying to keep my follower count alive (along with myself), I'm starting to think this might be my last review. At least my ratings will be killer. Welcome aboard humanity's first fully automated luxury cruise ship, where the service is perfect, the drinks are perfect, and the AI wants to make absolutely sure you have the time of your life - whether you want to or not. [A Dark Sci-Fi Horror Comedy - Currently updates every Tuesday and Thursday.]