Chapter 33 heart to heart...
Still feeling rather wobbly in the knees I made a slower time back towards Uljits, slow enough that Seri walked next to me, a rather smug look on her face as we made our way back to town. “Oh, my little kitten, don't sulk,” she said wrapping an arm around my waist and pulling me close, “you had no hope of overpowering me,” she laughed, “After all, I have what a hundred years on you and have had a good deal more experen-”
I hissed and pushed out of her grasp, my mood all of a sudden no longer as satisfied, in fact, my stomach had just tightened itself into a knot.
“What?” she asked, but I didn't answer, simply continuing to walk forward. “Rin,” ignoring her I narrowed my eyes and picked up my pace slightly, she would need to jog to be able to catch up with me… “Rinmua!” she snapped, grabbing me by the shoulder and turning me around. “Do not ignore me!” she snapped. Her eyes narrowed and angry. “Not when I have done nothing to deserve it, now what is wrong?”
“Rin does not wish to discuss anything,” I did not deny something was wrong as it most definitely was, but that didn't mean I had to talk to her about it…
“Rin,” she said softly, though there was an edge in her voice as she grabbed me by the face on either side. Leaning forward she placed her forehead on mine and looked into my eyes. “Talk to me, trust me, if we don't work out whatever this is it will not go well for either of us.”
“Sarena would know after all wouldn't she?” I hissed, “what with all the different lovers she has had ‘experience’ with,” I spat the word experience like it was poison, and she flinched back and nodded to herself.
“Is that what it is-” she said to herself, I attempted to pull away but she simply held my face in place. “Rin,” she pulled back, her eyes locked with mine, “I have been in serious relationships with-”
“Rin does not wish to know!” I hissed loudly, causing her to flinch, giving me enough room to pull out of her grasp and spin around, I had made it two steps before she clutched onto my tail, anchoring me. Her hand came up and this time grabbed me by the elbow in a rather painful grasp and once again spun me around, this time when I saw her face it was pissed. I had only ever seen her look like this when talking about the Brandmounts, and it was rather frightening to see it turned on me now.
“You Will Listen To Me!” she shouted directly in my face. “I have been in serious relationships with 15 different people over the course of my life,” she hissed and I flinched at the number. “15, so yes, I have got more experience than you, and I do know how things like this work, things like jealousy, all 15 of those men, and yes they were all men, I loved them for different reasons, they filled a need in my life, and now I don't need them, right now I need you.”
“Until she is not needed anymore?” I asked, and I watched her flinch, my cold words stabbing at her. She closed her eyes and her face softened.
“Yes Rin.” she said softly, “that is the way people are, over time people grow apart, grow different, and after time people no longer work together.”
“Rinmua does not wish that,” I said, my heart aching as the words came out, “Rinmua does not want a relationship where the outcome is already decided.” I looked at her, “she does not think that she can handle that, she wishes for something she can put her all into, and for that to happen she needs the other party to do the same.”
“That is not what this is about,” she said, looking away from me. “This is about you being jealous of my past lovers.” she wouldn't meet my eyes.
“It is what it is about now,” I said, “Rinmua is jealous, you bring up lovers in front of her all the time, you tell her that you are experienced, you take her to meet former lovers-”
“We needed him!” she snapped crossing her arms over her chest.
“She knows, but it does not change the fact, you are using them to distance yourself from Rinmua, to put a barrier between her and Sarena, you say such things as people change, but Rinmua knows this, she simply wishes for someone to change with, someone who will not abandon her when she changes.”
“Then you are asking the wrong woman,” she said, turning away from me, but not before I caught a glimpse of the tear that slid down her cheek. “I cannot promise that Rin, I simply can't do that...” it was my turn to grab her by the shoulder and turn her around.
“Can’t or won't?” I asked, pleadingly, it felt like someone had grasped my heart and was squeezing it in a vice grip.
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“Perhaps both?” she whispered.
“Why?”
“I- I don't know!” she pulled away from me and started pacing back and forth in the snow. This lasted for almost five minutes, “every time,” she sniffed and looked up at me. “I am cursed Rin, I have been from birth, I am an outcast, a freak among my own people, so I struck out, went into the world where I would not be judged by my people, and do you know what I found?”
“What?”
“That people are the same, no matter the color of there skin, or the size of their body or even if they have fur or not,” she looked at me, “they judge, they want what I cannot give.”
“She wants you to try!” I hissed, wrapping my paw around her neck and pulling her close, “she does not wish to hear about your past lovers, she wants you here now, not in the past!”
“My past is what makes me who I am Rin, they are a part of me.”
“The past does not make you,” I hissed, thinking of the horrifying memories of past lives. “If the past makes people who they are then Rinmua would not be Rinmua, she would be something else, something worse.” I looked at her, “she does not wish for you to leave, she simply wants all of you, do you understand?”
“Yes, Rin, I do understand, but you have to realize that I don't think I can give you what you want, there is too much baggage with me, I have lived much longer than you, I don't even know why we started this in the first place, we were both simply going to get hurt in the end, perhaps we should break it off, before we get too deep to survive.”
“Is that what Sarena always does?” I asked, her eyes snapping up to mine. “She wonders if you have ever committed yourself fully, or if you simply get what you need and then leave?”
“That is unfair, I am not the one that left!” she snarled.
“She wonders if you did what you are doing now,” I said, not flinching at her even as her eyes were angry. “She wonders if you always find something, something that forms a rift and use it to cause resentment, she wonders if you simply keep pushing and pushing until it is the other that walks away?” she flinched at that, her face drawing back and away from me.
“Leave me alone,” she spoke in a sullen hurt voice.
“No, as Sarena has so expertly pointed out just moments ago her and Rinmua need to work this out, or it will go good for neither.” She didn't respond, so I decided to take it from the bottom and work our way up, perhaps we could find the issue and fix it that way. “Rinmua loves you,” it was the first time I had said it to her. Her eyes widened as she looked over at me. “She loved you and wishes to spend the rest of her life with you,”
“Rin, that-” I didn't let her continue speaking I cut her off.
“She loves you, and wishes to spend the rest of her life with you, but she needs to know that you feel the same way, she needs to know that you will put your heart into the relationship the same as she has, she cannot be expected to do this all on her own.”
“Rin I-”
“She knows Sarena has commitment problems, she knows,” I cut her off again, “and Rin knows that Rinmua has issues as well, but her father once told her something,” I closed my eyes as the memory came back to me. “One likes another because of their strengths, but loves them because of their defects,” I whispered. I didn't open my eyes but I felt Sarena press her forehead against my own.
“Rin, kitten,” she whispered. “I cannot promise anything,” she said, and I felt like someone had run a length of steel through my chest. “Nothing other than that I will try.” A relieved sigh escaped from my lungs in a great rush.
“That is all she wants, she wants you to try, she will do the same, though she thinks you should not mention your previous lovers so much, as she cannot promise her mood will be good after you do so,” Seri chuckled as I said this and kissed me softly on the snout.
“What now?” she asked.
“Rin was hoping you would know...”
“Hah,” she laughed, and then reached up to her ear, pulling off three small gold earrings that lined the bottom side of her elven ears. “Hold still,” she whispered as she grabbed my ear gently. I tensed as she pressed the first small needle-like point against my ear. “This might hurt a little bit.” quickly she shoved it through my ear’s flesh and out of the other side. Out of instinct I yowled and attempted to pull away, but she locked her arms around my head and held me there, putting another through. “Oh come on its not that bad!” she pushed the final one through my ear and put the latch on the other side keeping the earrings there and then allowed me to pull away. I reached up and felt my burning ear and looked at her in confusion and pain. My pawpad came away bloody. “Here, let me heal that,” she said, reaching out to me. I flinched away but not far, and she looked a little sad. “Did you know that you proposed to me earlier?” her words caused me to freeze as I thought about it, I had, after all, told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. “My people have a belief, that belief is that when an object comes in contact with a person’s blood it comes in contact with their soul, and part of the soul lingers on the object, when you ask to spend your life with someone you are asking for a part of them, of their life, and if they accept they are supposed to give you a part of themselves,” her fingers caressed my ear softly, as her healing magic closed up the punctures she had put in my ear, soothing the pain and embedding the earrings in my ear permanently. “Part of me is with you now, always.” she said, stepping back and admiring her handiwork, “Looks good on you.”
Slowly I touched them again. “Then you accept Rinmua?” I asked hesitantly.
“How can I not?” she said, putting on a mockingly despairing face. “After all, who else would take me at this age and with so many issues?”
“Yes,” I said as I moved forward and buried my face in her neck. “Sarena has many many issues...” I said, sliding on paw behind her back and drawing her in as the other cupped the back of her head, I tipped my head back and drew hers down towards mine. “She will help you work on them,” I said with a purr.
“Good luck, my love,” she smiled as she descended on me, something told me we were not going to be getting back to Uljits until very late...