“I...I think I’m over this…” said Primrose.

My wife and I were sitting on an asteroid that was sailing through a galaxy of what were essentially technologically-advanced, culturally-retrograde, savages.

They were basically what you’d get if every person who wished for a return to the “good old days”, without realizing what that actually means, got their wish. Now Primrose and I, as the Miss Dark and Mister Gray, were serving as this particular universe’ last witnesses for this universe’s final twilight.

A “Final Twilight” or “Final Age” was exactly what it sounded like. It meant that the House of Antipodes, the locals gods and spirits, and the heavenly will of the world had done everything we possibly could and determined that A)the universe wasn’t qualified for expenses that come along with taking advanced measures and B)could not be saved.

So now, Prim and I were stuck watching what seemed to be five different interstellar wars, about three dozen multi-species genocides, a gray goo explosion, and extraplanar invasion because in times of chaos when people decide the regular gods aren’t helpful enough and start to look elsewhere, the cults tend to flourish.

And since this world was at its twilight, we were doing nothing...Or at least essentially doing nothing. The mortal authorities and stupider faiths had all decided that they needed any fancy experts and high and mighty types butting in, so they were resigned to dying meaningless deaths.

Everyone else with a bit more sense, was trying to do what they could, but the house had an nearly infinite amount of other fires to put out in worlds that actually had futures ahead of them, so it was just Prim and me here, with a skeleton crew of spirits, fae, angels, and benevolent demons trying to save those who still wished to be save.

I was truck-kunning the fuck out of entire worlds, where the people hadn’t actually done anything to deserve what was coming, but were about to be swept away in the madness and hubris of the older races.

Primrose was trying to slow the gray goo’s expansion summoning and endless forest of crystal trees to serve as a temporary barrier while her people made a final appeal for sanity to the authorities of the client worlds. Or at least, that was what she was doing. Now she was back in my office, drinking my scotch...looking damned exhausted.

“Did you hear, Monty...I think I’m about ready to quit this job,” said Prim.

“I heard you…I’m just not saying anything,” said I.

“What?! Well, that’s not very helpful,” said Prim. Looking annoyed.

I shrugged.

“Sorry, love...This is one of those times where I can’t be smooth in my response or even bluff at having the answers...Hell, the fact that I technically have always wanted to quit this job all along and you’re about half of my reason for staying on as the current Mister Gray, means that I have incentive to support you quitting...which naturally means the huge part of me that loves you and hates my selfish-impulse has incentive to make me try to talk you out of quitting...but honestly, it’s all down to you….So all I can say is that whatever you do, whatever you decide I’ll be there right along with you…” I said.

Primrose gave me a flat look. Then she sighed and ran her hands over her face.

“Ugh...Thanks, I guess...It wasn’t the advice or push or sign that I might have been hoping for. But it’s something and it’s honest at the very least…,” said Primrose.

“I only blow smoke up your ass during playtime, dear,” I said with a salacious wink.

“Hmph...Fair enough...Do you want to know why I’m thinking of quitting at least?” said Primrose.

“Does it have something to do with that stupidass three-way war between the Capitalist Super Dystopia, the Communist Super Dystopia, and the Socialist Mega Cult?” I said.

“How’d you know?!” said Primrose.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

“Because most of this universe is already dead, and their war and the calamities the war has set off, are the noisiest things in this part of the Universe?” said I.

“Oh, right…” said Primrose.

“So what’d they do?” said I. Pouring my wife another glass of scotch. Magicking in an unmelting ice-cube because Prim liked her drinks cold, and my beautiful feline-fae wife was indeed one of those monsters who held no compunction about ruining good liquor with ice if it meant her drink was at the right temperature.

“Huh? Oh, them...It’s more what they didn’t do...I tried to give them one last chance. I basically begged them to put aside their stupid war...at least temporarily, because there were eldritch monsters and the gray goo...and a high likelihood of the fucking doomsday weapons they were using, bringing their reality down to its knees. The Capitalist Empire thanked me ‘politely’ for my concern but said that they didn’t need any “Universalist” outsiders interfering with the galaxy’s affairs. The Communist Empire threatened to have me arrested for spouting Anti-Party propaganda...And the cult was all for the destruction of the universe and the approach of the cosmic monsters, because apparently ‘He Who Waits Amidst the Orange Stars’ has already promised to help them purge the unworthy, uplift the chosen, and create a newer greater universe that’s just like the days of their former glory…once everyone’s dead and in his belly of course...”

“Hm...That sucks…” I said. Trying to maintain eye contact and look attentive, because I cared about my wife, even if I’d long since stopped caring about this universe.

“Yeah...And you know what’s worse...This is the tenth fucking time I’ve been in this situation this year...This has happened ten times in a row…and between that and all the other times it’s happened...I’m not sure I have it in me to deal with it anymore. ” said Primrose.

“I...I almost ended this damn universe myself. That’s how pissed off I was after talking with the shitheads in charge of those three stupid, stupid, utterly brainless countries. Especially after two of those idiot leaders, tried to arrest me and my people. The worst part about that is that afterwards...I didn’t feel ashamed. I wasn’t horrified by what I’d almost done. I just sort of felt normal and I have this terrible feeling that I would have felt more or less the same even if i had gone through with destroying those shitheads…” said Primrose.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, hon,” I said. Not sure what else to say.

“How do you do it...How is it that this job isn’t wearing you down?” said Primrose.

“Oh, love...It is wearing me down. Did you forget what I said before? If it weren’t for you and the kids I would have dragged the old Mister Gray down from his retirement in the higher-planes and dropped this job like the dog doo that it is….But I’ll admit that I do have an advantage over you when it comes to this shit gig. I’m older. Much older. You started this job while you were technically still in your twenties...and then even if the relevastic time flow between the planets universes, multiverses allowed you to grow into the role...well, Prim, this is a hell of a role to try and grow into....” said I.

“So the problem is that I got into this game way too young?” said Primrose.

I took a sip from my cup and indulged in the mellow burn of the liquor's warmth as it flowed down my throat.

“Yes...But also, unlike me...You’re a good person. You’re a kind, genuine, competent, generous person...You give a little too much of yourself sometimes and that’s why I’m here to make sure there’s someone looking out for your interests because your first instinct is to look after everyone else. As for me... I’m basically a friendly-bastard on the best of days, I’m not evil...but I’m definitely no saint, and that’s why they chose me for the role of Mister Gray. I’m old enough and have experienced enough that I’ve gained the terrible ability to NOT care about anything. If you quit, I’d quit and my current level of power, the fact that the kids are pretty much capable of protecting themselves, the fact that the Cosmic Division could definitely go toe-to-toe with the HOA, and the overwhelming numbers and strength of the fc-fleet...Meaning, I could probably quit, knowing that every world I didn’t try to save was doomed and I’d barely register it on an emotional level…”

Primrose gave me a warm look.

“Hon, I think you overestimate how bad of a guy you are...I’ve you in the holiday pageant at the kids school...You were the girls den mother when they wanted to join the girl scouts...You’re a bigger softie than you think…”

I blushed and coughed.

“Yeah...M-, Maybe, but you guys are the exception that proves the rule. You’re the only ones who can make me that way… The rest of the cosmos gets to deal with the me that was around before I met you guys…”

“And I’m saying he’s not that bad a guy...Fun fact, did you know that you’ve saved more lives in this particular shit show than I have...Never mind the question of whether you’ve saved more lives than you had to end...That goes without saying. I’ve been doing nothing but trying to save lives but your count still beats mind...Especially, if we count the worlds you basically sanitized and then shoved into safer realities…”

“Er...I guess, but this about me not you…” said I. Trying my best not to get flustered.

“True…” said Primrose.

“So what are you going to do?” said I.

“I’m quitting,” said Primrose.

“Really?” said I. Surprised because my Prim was usually, almost annoyingly persistent. Just like her idiot brother.

“Yeah...This job was rewarding, and hard, and I think after more than a decade in terminus-earth time, and several eons in general cosmic time, I’ve had enough and if, or rather ‘when’ I decide I want to do something like this again, it won’t be too late because we’re immortal and it’s not like I’ll be too old to work when that time comes…” said Primrose.

“Huh...That’s surprisingly, reasonable of you,” said I.

Primrose stood and narrowed her eyes at me, one brow raised.

“Are you saying I’m usually not reasonable?”

I laughed, stood, and then leaned over the table, lips puckered.

“Realizing he might have said too much,..Monty uses ‘Distraction Kiss’…”

She rolled her eyes at me and leaned forward as well, her tongue exploring my mouth as my tongue explored hers.

“...Hm, seems it was very effective…Alright, let’s stop that before it goes to far...we still need to watch this stupid world go under and I’d like to do this properly while NOT smelling of sex,” said Primrose.

“That’s what cleansing spells are for, love…” I said.

“Maybe if you were a regular man, but you're a lust demon...an elder lust demon. The messes you make, make more messes...Something tells me that this world won’t live to see another day…So, I’d rather wait. Afterward, we can do whatever to one another during the trip back to HOA Central Headquarters,” said Primrose.

“Fine, fine…” I said. Stealing another kiss and returning my attention to my work.