Mark “Coop” Cooper

Location: CWS Abraham Lincoln, New Lancashire, United Commonwealth of Colonies

“The human species is an…interesting one.” Bob the alien began as holographic images began to populate the air around him and Rear Admiral Nelson.

“We conducted a case study of six billion of your population to ascertain your likes and dislikes, major industrial needs, and any cultural phenomenon that would assist me in better meeting the demands of your Commonwealth.”

Coop saw some charts and statistics that didn’t make any sense to him. He grimaced as he remembered his least favorite class in the few years he did attend high school.

“From a societal perspective, you are well below the average.” Bob stated matter-of-factly, his translator showing no emotion at what Coop considered an offensive statement.

Clearly, a few of the others soldiers in the room were on the same page by the look on their faces. RADM Nelson was one of them. “Could you elaborate on that study? We do not know what the rest of the species in your Hegemony consider average.”

“Certainly, Rear Admiral. There were several variables in the study, but the primary two reasons humans deviated from the norm were the lack of a cohesive political state and work distribution.” Bob enlarged two of the charts.

Coop watched as he did but saw no increased movement in the internal wormy things or the cilia on Bob’s back. Coop mentally shrugged as the ET continued.

“A review of your history from the beginning of its recording –the last five thousand five hundred of your standard solar rotations – shows a deeply fractured system of governance that expanded from the geopolitical to the interstellar as the human species reached their space age expansion. Granted, you reached that stage above the galactic average of fifteen thousand solar rotations. It took my own species nearly twenty thousand solar rotations to leave our homeworld and settle our first colony, but we are not as robust as humanity.” Bob pulled a map of the Earth forward and hit a fast-forward function that showed the changing political landscape since man started faithfully recording their history about 3000 BCE. “The case study showed that through human history there is a continued theme of intolerance for ones different from themselves. Most notably, this is identified at first by clan, then kingdom, then skin color, nationality once nation-states began to emerge, sexual orientation, economic status, and those are just the most significant factors we saw. Ultimately, our analysis boiled the information down to one key component: humans lack the ability to trust one another.”

Memories flashed through Coop’s mind. He’d had his ass whooped by gangs because they wanted to steal his shit, then because he didn’t have any shit to steal. He’d been curb stomped by the PHA cops because they thought he was in the gangs who were kicking his ass, and this was all before he was ten. He’d watched the burbers ride around in their air-cars, sipping non-recycled piss, and laughing their asses off at the great time they were having. They’d roll up their windows and activate their car’s security system if they came with half a kilometer of a PHA.

Coop had no trouble believing the results of ET’s science project one bit.

“I do believe that the lack of trust in your species leads to the wide-ranging forms of government, which are a contributing factor in the distribution of work. Most species in the Hegemony of Peace and Tranquility of Sapient Beings have an orderly system built into their societies.”

“A caste system?” RADM Nelson interrupted. “Most highly evolved species have a caste system?”

Coop vaguely remembered the term from sociology class. He was really starting to regret not paying attention to the teacher and spending most of his time checking out Kylie Harrington’s tits. Those he remembered with astonishing detail.

“My translator indicates that you associate this caste system with negativity.” Bob continued unfazed.

“Humans don’t like to push people into a corner and make them do something they might not want to do.” RADM informed.

“I understand your rationale, Rear Admiral, but most advanced sapient species do not have a problem trusting the higher classes of their civilization to identify societal needs. In fact, most of these castes are programmed or biologically altered to better achieve the goals of their grouping. This distribution of work has allowed species to flourish and all members to prosper.”

All Coop could think about was a person being biologically altered to be the best garbage man they could be. He was envisioning one hand being a shovel to better scoop up shit, and the other some type of robotic claw to better grab shit and keep a tight clamp on it. The whole concept Bob was explaining sounded retarded.

“Humanity has no such constraints, and therefore does not have the best possible human doing the job they are best suited for. In conjuncture with a lack of trust, this results in a lack of productivity.”

“You said we are above the average in getting into our space age; four times faster than your own species if I remember correctly. How can we be unproductive and achieve all that we have?” The RADM posed the question.

“There is a correlation between ingenuity and productivity.” Another graph appeared at Bob’s unknown command.

It was a bell-shaped graph that had a dozen lines identifying different species. The other species were identified only by letters, keeping their identities a secret, except for Bob’s species. Unlike humanity, the Twigs had low levels of ingenuity but high levels of work distribution. As a result, their productivity started off slower but rapidly picked up. Species with initial high levels of ingenuity started off with high levels of productivity, but there was a discernable curve on the graph. Productivity rapidly fell off when ingenuity reached a ceiling, and those species turned into some of the most unproductive.

Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

RADM Nelson didn’t ask for anymore clarification. He knew how to read a chart.

“Our case study went as far as to analyze the two major human polities to ascertain which to make contact with. We found no great deviation between the effectiveness of The Eastern Block of Nations and the United Commonwealth of Colonies when it comes to effective governing of their populations.”

Coop felt like Bob had the room on the verge chopping his Twig ass into fire wood with that statement. Many of the people had fought against the Blockies, and many had friends that had been killed by their sworn enemy since of the last three hundred years. Saying there was no difference in the effectiveness of government between the Commonwealth and the Blockies was fucking bullshit.

Bob continued without hesitation. “The Eastern Block has more centralized control over their citizens, but all citizens can participate in the political process through Proxies. Conversely, the Commonwealth has more power delegated to the individual systems, but only allows citizens that meet a certain threshold to participate in Commonwealth-level elections. The individual systems are allowed to make their own determinations on voting rights, but fifty-nine percent follow the Commonwealth’s example and limit the right to participate in government. The Eastern Block has more central planning when it comes to social and economic issues than the Commonwealth, but the Commonwealth has greater corporate influence. That is what you would describe as a double-edged sword,” this time Coop saw Bob’s inner worms wiggle in either happiness for using the pun, or possibly laughter. “Those same corporations now hold significant power in directing the Commonwealth’s politicians to their desired goals. There is more I can discuss if you wish?” Bob asked.

“No, you’ve spoken enough on the topic. In the end you chose us over the Blockies, which is all that matters.” The RADM was a little gruffer in his response this time. He didn’t like the Commonwealth’s shortfalls being highlighted in front of everyone.

Coop thought.

“Indeed.” Bob was silent for a moment as the holographic images changed. “The case study was thorough when documenting your society for the purpose of identifying goods and products you would be the most open to. The results of the analysis conclude that humans are primarily driven by entertainment and war, so I have a sampling of items with me today to see if you are interested in making some initial orders.”

In Coop’s experience the ET had hit the nail on the head. All this talk was getting boring. Coop wanted to see something that would make his life better.

“We’ve got another ship incoming.” Abe’s command team on the bridge relayed the approach of a new bulbous tear-drop shaped craft.

A few minutes later something new came hovering onto the flight deck. It didn’t look all that different than the thing Bob was hovering on, only it was bigger and had an assortment of objects evenly spaced on its surface. Two more of the spheres glided silently on either side of the sample products.

“These are just a few of the advancements I can provide to humanity through my contract.” Bob hovered to the right to make room for the new pallet.

“Sir…?” The HI MSG seemed uncertain as the pallet continued past Bob to hover over the table. The RADM had to get up out of his seat and move backward for the larger surface to have room.

The pallet lowered itself to hover a few centimeters above the tabletop, but because of its size, the dozen HI troopers guarding the RADM now got a good look at the items.

“The first item is a staple of galactic information, entertainment, and communication.” The voice in Bob’s translator changed. It took on more emotion and reminded Coop of the salesmen he used to see on late night holo-shows back in the PHA. Just like then, he wasn’t able to buy any of this shit.

A small, tan ball, in a clear, plastic case, about the size of a fingernail rose into the air and hovered forward to the RADM. Without hesitation the RADM grabbed the box and examined the item.

“This BioSeed takes the hassle out of the handheld devices that are common throughout the Commonwealth. Through a patented process, the seed incorporates the DNA of its owner, is injected into the bloodstream, travels a path to the owner’s brain, and creates a neural interface. That interface allows all five human senses to be administered depending on the activity the owner wishes to participate in. An example found in our research would be e-mails for personal or business functions. Holographic entertainment can be pumped directly into your mind allowing movies, television shows, and popular pornography to be experienced.”

“Ummm,” the RADM coughed awkwardly, and Coop had to stifle a laugh. Of course, porn popped up in their research, it was one of the most popular forms of entertainment. Bob just didn’t understand the slight taboo around the subject.

“This is incredible. The applications for this go beyond commercial entertainment.” Despite his best efforts, the RADM’s eyes had gone wide as he rotated the box with the small piece of tech. “But I have safety and health concerns, also questions about power requirements and anti-intrusion software. We can’t have people hacking into other people’s brains and brain surgery every five years to replace the battery.”

“Your questions are viable, but unnecessary.” Bob replied casually, taking everyone off guard. “You are looking at the BioSeed as a human product, something technological, and therefore mechanical. That is not the case. The BioSeed is biological. The signals sent and received by the seed are ambient and based on the individual species, which is why each seed needs to be coded to the owner’s DNA first. No power source is required, your bodies power the seed, and there is no way to ‘hack’ into it without physical manipulation of the body.”

Coop pumped the breaks before he got too carried away. In his experience, nothing was one hundred percent for sure, and he didn’t like the idea of swallowing the seed and having it work its way into his brain. It sounded like you’d have a self-inflicted brain tumor.

“Your apprehension and misunderstanding are acceptable,” Bob continued as every human in the room daydreamed of what they could do with the BioSeed. “Preliminary trials will need to be conducted with your regulatory authorities to ensure the coding process is successfully completed according to the patent. Once humans see the viability of the product, the developing species will help cultivate commercial infrastructure to supplement the easy access and transfer of data through the BioSeed. Fees and applications will be forthcoming as access spreads, but the developing species is willing to offer you a goodwill gesture of fifty-thousand units as a down payment on future business.”

“Fifty-thousand…” The RADM quickly made sure his jaw didn’t drop. “That’s a kind gesture.”

“It is an economical decision based on data,” Bob advised. “A fifty-thousand-unit sample in exchange for the fees on infrastructure and tens of billions of future units to be purchased is a good business practice.”

“Yes.” The RADM nodded and put his poker face back on. “Will we get to see the developing species anytime soon?”

“I will handle the initial negotiations and licensing fees according to my contract. You will meet the developers for the infrastructure growth, but not before then.”

Coop thought. It might be his human nature creeping in, but he didn’t want humans to get overrun by Twigs and the BioSeed makers no matter how great their tech was. The companies that made the VR machines would go out of business overnight, but Coop didn’t really care. They’d never given any PHA Rats a free sample of their latest tech, so Coop didn’t have a problem seeing them squirm.

“What’s next?” The RADM placed the box back on the hovering pallet and watched as something much more interesting floated into the air in front of him.