I am the dumbest person alive!
The classroom was a whirlwind of energy and noise, like usual, and I was resting my head on Lily's shoulder. How anyone can be this lively at 8:30 in the morning on a Wednesday is beyond me.
I got back home at like 4AM last night- and I was still spent come morning.
Lily didn't look too good either- her head was leaned against mine, eyes closed, the dark circles around them an indicator of the rough night she had.
She had a nightmare last night- a common occurrence for the both of us, I think, but, of course, me being the worst friend in the entire world, I wasn't there when she woke up- I was out in the middle of nowhere with our goddamn abductor of all people!
Long story short, I had slipped back into our room last night only to find her sat up in my bed, head in her knees, hyperventilating and sobbing.
I didn't tell her about Vanessa- I know I said before that she has a right to know these things but… I just couldn't. What she doesn't know can't hurt her, right? Besides, I'm not even sure what I'd say.
I'll tell her eventually- probably.
“Tuck your shirt in please, Emily.” Miss Sawyer, our homeroom tutor said as she entered the room. Not even a ‘good morning’ first, huh? We must be in trouble then. "Kyle, sit up, does this look like your bedroom to you?"
Lily scooted away a little, sitting back in her own chair rather than sharing mine, though her hand remained on my arm as I pushed the edges of my shirt back into my school trousers, casting a tired but withering glare at the teacher.
I don't mind Miss Sawyer most of the time. She's... Tolerable, at least as far as adults go, but man, she gets really bitchy whenever she receives a complaint about our class from a sub or something.
Lily and I yawned at the exact same time, causing us to flash each other a knowing look and stifle a giggle.
God, I would do literally anything to keep that smile on her face forever.
She deserves to be happy, and I'll do everything in my power to make sure that happens- even if that means keeping my little midnight encounter a secret.
The clacking of Miss Sawyer's keyboard against the now silent classroom gained my attention, my head spinning towards the source of the noise a little too quickly to be considered ‘normal’, and I prayed no-one else saw. I get enough crap at this school as is.
A few kids snickered behind me, but thankfully, Miss Sawyer began calling out the register before anyone got the chance to open their stupid mouths.
I can't stand these pricks. They don't get it- their ungrateful asses should be glad they never experienced what Lily and I did- but no. They just treat us like the funniest joke they've heard all week simply because we have a few… ‘quirks’.
“Emily.” Miss Sawyer called out as she reached my name on the list. More as a formality, really, already checking me and Lily in on her computer. If I'm present, Lily is present, if Lily isn't present then neither am I.
Leaving Lily alone in the middle of the night while she is sound asleep in bed is one thing, but you'll catch me dead before you catch me leaving her alone outside of the house, surrounded by people who might hurt her.
“Here,” I replied, “Lily's here too.”
I've always answered the register for her, I'm her voice, her shield, her protector, and in turn, she is my friend, my partner-in-crime, my everything.
Names kept being called out, but my mind was anywhere but on the scene in front of me. It's always been like this- every noise, every sudden movement or flickering light- hounded for my attention, but today it felt particularly bad. I felt like my neck might snap with how much I was twisting it, but that's not all, no matter what I did, I just couldn't seem to get last night out of my brain.
I ran into Vanessa. That's a bad thing.
I crashed into Rex. Also bad.
Rex is a toothless old fossil now. That's good.
Vanessa wasn't interested anymore. I- I'm not sure what to think about that…
Man, my life is a fucking shit show!
Miss Sawyer stood up, walking to the front of the classroom, arms folded. The whispered conversations slowly died, everyone's attention shifting to the pissed off teacher.
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Everyone's but mine.
Okay, okay, wait.
So, I called Vanessa back, she offered for me to walk with her, and, being the dumbass I very clearly am, I said yes. Bad? I think.
“I am so disappointed in you, Year 11.” Miss Sawyer started, but I was only half listening. I wrapped an arm around Lily to comfort her through the yelling that was sure to come.
Vanessa and I spent a good 20 minutes walking in silence, me following behind her like a lost puppy. Pathetic, but not necessarily bad- it could've been a hell of a lot worse with this woman.
Then, well… I don't know how to begin labelling it. We started talking, she was being a total bitch, so no change there, I freaked the fuck out and almost fell over when her hand reached out for my shoulder- that definitely wasn't great, I guess, but she already knows I'm afraid of her, I'd be stupid not to, sooo..
Lily's body tensed in my arms and she hid her face in my side. The yelling was getting to her. I rubbed her back and held her tighter, glaring at the teacher who softened a little, casting us an apologetic glance but continued her scolding regardless.
Why am I so caught up on this? Nothing happened. Literally nothing. We just talked for three and a half hours, that's it!
Just stop, Emily. Focus on what's happening now. You can't change the past, yada yada, focus on now. It doesn't matter right now.
The bell rang, an overtly loud, sudden noise that never failed to put Lily and I on alert.
“Alright, alright, go to class, all of you. Emily, Lily, stay behind, I need a word with you, Emily.” Miss Sawyer said with a long sigh as the sound of chairs scraping against cheap carpet and the rushed packing of bags filled the air in a harmony of chaos that could only come from a British secondary school.
I had to suppress a groan, sinking back into my chair, Lily's hand held tightly in mine. “I know what this is about.” She sighed quietly, whispering so only I would hear.
“It'll be fine, Kid. We'll be okay.”
I'm honestly not too sure who that comment was for. Sure, I said it to Lily, but it felt more aimed at myself. I need the reassurance right now.
Breathe, Emily, just breathe. Focus and breathe.
Once upon a time you told yourself you'd never get out of that basement but now look at you. I've bested that monster before, I can do it again, so just forget about her for now, okay?
Okay.
A gentle nudge from my left pulled me out of my spiral, meeting Lily's mildly concerned gaze flicking between me and the teacher.
Wait, shit, did she say something?
“Well?” Miss Sawyer asked, not that I had even the faintest of clues what she was asking me.
“Uh I don't-” I fumbled, taking a half-step back, looking between the two of them for some sort of prompt, my cheeks flushing slightly. Luckily, it didn't show too much with my darker complexion.
“You threw a pen at the substitute, Emily Baker.” Miss Sawyer said, her voice sharp but knowing better than to yell at us. It was one of the many, MANY things written in our IEP.
Ohhhhh, she's talking about that!
Yeah, I'm not sorry. Dumb bitch deserved it for putting a hand on my fucking friend.
“She's lucky it wasn't a chair.” I mumbled more to myself than her. I could practically feel the heat of her frustration rolling over me. Lily ever so slightly ducked behind me, making me put an arm out to shield her instinctively.
I expected Miss Sawyer to say something else, but she just kind of stood there for a long moment, her right eye twitching slightly, pinching the bridge of her nose.
I'd probably be suspended for that comment alone if it wasn't for the fact that she still needs Lily to come to school.
Point to team trauma, I guess?
“I'll be talking to your parents again-” She started, but I interrupted.
“-Her parents. Her’s, not mine.”
“Legal guardians then,” she all but huffed, “it doesn’t matter. This can't keep happening, girls, it's just not on.”
“Call them then.” I said with a scoff, “See if I give a shit.”
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At lunch, Lily and I made a beeline to our normal spot, a secluded area covered by trees that most students don't know about. There's benches there and everything, which is perfect since the grass is still wet from the rain last night.
“Did you get another detention?” Lily asked, leaning all her weight onto me.
“Yep. Big surprise there. You gonna wait in the car or in the classroom with me?”
“Car, probably, I wanna lie down. I got a text earlier, dad's picking us up. Might have to walk tomorrow though.”
I sighed, pulling her impossibly closer, burying my face into her neck. One hour left- two for me- and we can go home. One hundred and twenty minutes.
“What've we got last?” Lily eventually said, stealing my coat and wrapping it around both of us. She forgot hers, again.
“No fucking clue. French, probably. You never told me about your dream.” I probed, only getting a lazy shake of her head in responce. I'm not gonna overstep if she isn't ready to talk. “Alright, well you know I'm here for you whenever.”
She nodded, her eyes fluttering shut as her head met my shoulder.
I leaned back a little, watching the sun through the autumn leaves shielding us from the rest of the world. Once upon a time, I used to look at that same sun and wonder what it would feel like on my skin- then I learnt- and now… Well, now what?
That's the problem, I think. Now what? So much has happened in so short of a time, I'm left asking myself now what?
I'll take things one step at a time for now I think, but I just feel so damn lost.