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Tur Briste
143 - Daemon's Rectum

143 - Daemon's Rectum

Somewhere ‘tween a hammer and anvil is a weapon forged. But somewhere ‘tween me first drink, and me bed I’mma forge the lad that can wield it. Ha! Me heavenly hammer against the softest anvil does make a lovely sound…

~Goibniu, The God of the Forge and Brew

Submerged, Crow refused to let go of the boat. It was an instinct, and that sense of danger was greatest when he thought of letting go and kicking his way up to the surface. As long as he could hold on—and survive the expulsion of air caused by a terrified dragon squeezing him to death—then he’d be fine.

It was weird, feeling attached to the boat. It suddenly jerked—it was like it came alive and turned into an eel. The nose turned and pointed toward the surface, and then it cut through the water like a spear. All downward momentum ceased, and Crow could feel the pressure of the water lessening.

They rose so fast that the boat popped out of the water like a cork and became airborne. It landed rather gently, but between his gasping for breath and crying out in pain, he barely noticed. They were still on the river, but the waterfall fell into a basin turned lake. The water was reasonably calm, all things considered.

“Paddle,” Crow told Nin, gritting his teeth against the pain in his shoulder. Now that his tense body released its grip, he felt all the pains and aches of their wild ride. He was pretty sure he had a few broken ribs and knew it’d be hours before he could use his arm again.

“Where?” Nin asked, finally letting go. Crow pointed a shaking hand toward the side. Although the basin was surrounded by sheer bluffs on either side, he spotted a sandbar on their way down. It was behind some rocks. It wasn’t huge but good enough to camp, but not any room to explore.

Lily landed on Crow’s shoulder while Nin paddled them toward the shore. It was a tough few minutes as every time the boat shook, Crow felt intense pain shoot down his arm.

“You alright?” Nin asked after pulling the boat entirely onto the shore and helping him climb out.

“I need you to help pop my shoulder back into place,” Crow said and grabbed a thick piece of rolled cloth to bite down on. Lily actually showed Nin how to grip the arm and hold it straight while yanking it forward. “Nin, don’t hesitate, or you’ll hurt me more. Just do it in one go—uh, but don’t use all your strength. Also—ahhhh, fuck!”

Nin cracked a grin because she yanked Crow’s arm before he had a chance to tense up and did so without hesitation or leniency. They all heard it pop into place.

“You damned savage!” Crow roared, but the waterfall drowned most of it out. After the burning sensation went away, he felt better. Gently, he touched around his ribs to see if anything was broken and was pretty sure it was just bruising.

“Did I do it right? Why are you touching your ribs?”

“You did it right,” Crow admitted. “I’m touching my ribs because I think you broke them when you freaked out—” he stopped himself from yelling at her, especially when he saw how upset she was. “—but I’m fine. Just a little bruised.”

“Sorry.” Nin didn’t look him in the eyes, which was unusual for her. Her roaming eyes landed on the beached hunk of junk. Lily was also looking at it. “We were wrong about that boat. It isn’t even scratched.”

“Could it be an artifact of some sort?” Crow asked and used the towel as a makeshift sling until he could sit down and cultivate and help heal his injuries.

“Not really sure, but the weird thing is I sense no mana coming off of it.” Nin looked up, seeing where the sun was at and pointed above. “Do we continue or wait?”

“Lily? How much further?” Crow asked. The Fae thought about it and then raised four fingers, which he took to mean four more days. “And was this waterfall you were talking about?” Lily immediately shook her head no.

No one talked for a while, and Crow stripped off his wet clothes, placing them on nearby rocks. Then laid down on the warm sand and let it take away the chill in his bones. Despite the heat from the sun, the river was freezing.

After getting over her shock at seeing Crow strip, Nin shrugged and did the same. Even Lily got in on the action, and Crow didn’t know what to say when the Fae, not bigger than his hand, laid down naked on the sand next to him.

“We’ll only rest until the sun goes past the ridge. That should cool it down enough for us to continue until closer to dark. Lily, I’ll need you to scout ahead and find us a good stopping point. Don’t let us keep traveling through the dark.”

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

Crow didn’t really sleep but entered a meditative state using his breathing techniques. Using the easterner’s body refining method helped recover his body faster. For some reason, he felt that time was running out. They couldn’t delay anymore, or something terrible was going to happen. While meditating, he tried to use his Three-Headed Crow ability to find why he suddenly felt uneasy, but he found nothing. It only made him more sure that something was wrong.

***

A few hours later, they were back on the river, but Crow lashed Nin down to her seat this time. She was strong enough to tear the rope apart if she needed to, and he did the same to himself but used a slipknot in case he needed to break free.

Lily was flying in front of Nin when the dragon burst out laughing. Crow had been lost in his own world, cultivating and accessing memorized data. Especially evaluating the principles laid out in the book on portals and henges. It would be unfair to say the book was only about creating henges and turning them into portals. There was a lot of science captured in the creation of portals—it was a heavy read and harder to conceptualize.

So their laughter snapped him out of his thoughts.

“What’s so funny?”

“Lily called this river the Daemon’s Rectum.”

Crow smiled. The crude humor wasn’t like the prim little princess, but he couldn’t argue with the visual it represented. And he couldn’t say she was wrong.

“Wait… how did she call it that?” Crow looked at Nin suspiciously.

“Show him.”

Lily flew in front of him and lifted her skirt—

“Woah, I get it, never mind.” Crow looked away, and Nin laughed even harder while Lily winked at her. Tapping Crow’s nose, she pointed overhead and then toward the side of the river ahead of them.

“We need to stop ahead?” Crow confirmed, and Lily nodded. It only took another thirty minutes to reach the place. With the approaching dark, Nin and Crow were exhausted from fighting the river. It was a never-ending physical battle. Unlike the rivers near his ancestral home, this one never really had slow or calm points.

Crow felt that uneasy feeling building up in him again while approaching the shore, so he looked upriver. On the bluffs, he could swear there were the silhouettes of Daemons against the setting sun. He couldn’t be absolutely sure since the sun was in his eyes, but—Are they following us?

Turning back toward the beach, he saw it had tufts of vegetation, but the brambles were odd. Nin hopped off first and pulled the boat up, but that uneasy feeling turned into full-on anxiety.

His Vortex Pin activated, and Mor-Rioghain appeared in his hand as he jumped onto the shore and dove past Nin while swinging his blade downward like an ax. A shrub split in half and spewed green sludge everywhere. Crow felt the hair on his arms raise as the sun dropped beyond the edge of the bluff. The shrubbery screeched as they stood up. Dammit, I should have paid attention to the brambles.

“Shit, I fucked up,” Crow muttered, and Nin stood beside him as they stared at all the plant-like creatures surrounding them. “Shit. Shit. Shit. Boat or fight?”

“What are these things?” Nin asked.

“Puca,” Crow explained and chopped at the closest one. He briefly entertained using his bow, but arrows weren’t all that great against these things. “They are Rootless but passive.”

“Passive? They sure don’t look it.”

“That’s because I killed one, and they are territorial.”

“Then we are fighting?”

“Either that, or we take on the river in the dark.”

“Fight,” Nin said adamantly, and Crow chuckled. He didn’t tell her that if a Puca King was around, they’d have no choice but to brave the river.

One of the thorny-looking ones jumped at Nin’s face. She grabbed it out of the air and tore it in half. One half she threw and took off the legs of another Puca. Crow just stared with his jaw on the floor.

“Lover?”

“Hmm?”

“Stop looking at my butt, or that vine behind you might hurt your rectum,” Nin said without looking over at him.

Crow was wronged but didn’t hesitate to spin while slicing in a semi-circle behind him as he went. There really was a vine shooting out from the sand. The moment he cut it in half, the thing turned black and withered away. In truth, he never lost track of the fight, just surprised by Nin’s strength.

Puca were vicious little bastards, and he wouldn’t willingly fight them if he had a choice. Cutting them down was unpleasant because most had a thorny barrier that returned some of the damage—no matter how much he tried to avoid it.

Bleeding in multiple places, clothes torn and ripped, and in a bad mood, Crow charged at the one casting the vine spell, ignoring the annoying ones covered in thorns. The spell caster really did appear to be aiming for his butt with those vines. Seconds later, that brambly-looking weed had its head chopped off. Crow wasn’t sure why these things kept fighting. Usually, they weren’t this brave. After a few of them died, their typical response was to flee.

At his back, he felt the warmth of Dragon Fire as it fried all the little ones he left behind. Looking back, the beach was a mess, and now it smelled like fire-roasted cabbage. It wasn’t a pleasant smell. Crow didn’t even bother using his weak fireball in this situation because he’d probably hurt himself more than his foes.

“How many of these things are there?” Nin asked, looking toward the hill at the back of the beach. Crow followed her eyes and saw hundreds of the little things.

“What the hell is going on? This isn’t Puca behavior at all. These things aren’t fighters, their pranksters.” Crow kept chopping at the bastards blocking his way. “I don’t have much energy left. After rowing all day, my reserves aren’t enough for a prolonged fight.”

He evaluated his situation and told Nin the truth. She could probably pick up the slack, but Crow was sure she was tired too.

“What if we kill that thing?” Nin asked and pointed in a direction to the right of the hill.

Crow’s falcata chopped through two of the creatures with one swing. His eyes followed her finger and saw what looked like a rose bush, only it was twice as tall as them. It slowly stood up, and a head appeared from within the vine-like amalgamation. Its eyes were two roses, and as the petals peeled back, he could see baleful red orbs glowing in the dark.

Vines slithered up its body and twined itself into a circle of thorns before landing on its head. Crow knew it was meant to be that bastard’s crown and to make it worse, he was sure it was a spell caster.

“Boat. Now!” Crow commanded and chopped down a few more Puca before turning and running. Nin matched him stride for stride, and they barely made it halfway before they felt the ground shaking behind them. The Puca King had finally arrived.