Even a loss that was inevitable like with Luctus still hurt. In some ways the slow expectation made things worse. In others, it helped as mourning already began even before death. Though it might not be pleasant for the one perishing, John found it preferable to be able to spend more time with those he cared for.
Luctus Tenebach had been one of the necessary catalysts that brought about John’s own success in this world. Matayal’s support had been critical as well, though that was reliant on some initial success.
Without the support to go down his rather audacious cultivation route, John would likely have ended up being a fairly average leader for the Tenebach clan… and in the current times, that was not something they would have been able to afford. Speculating what else might have changed from there was a bit much, but it was likely that disaster would have come either from the Society of Midnight or in the form of Gesine succeeding with whatever her desire was for the leviathan. There would also be a million other minor things that likely wouldn’t change things for the better.
As much as John might wish to change a few details of the past to keep certain people alive, he had to admit that several major events had been successfully weathered, and presuming that they could have survived with no major casualties was rather arrogant.
-----
Luctus’ funeral was scheduled as soon as practically possible, considering how much needed to be done to invite even close allies. It was not a public affair that just anyone could stop in on, but it still involved people from all around the continent.
The Tenebach clan under the guidance of Melanthina and Nik handled the preparations quite well, though John contributed where he could to reduce their burden. That wasn’t necessarily involving himself in official business, but simply taking time with Ereli or helping pen messages was still valuable.
Ereli was old enough that she didn’t necessarily need to be managed, but she still required some of her parent’s attention. At the moment, Crystin was the best darkness cultivator within the clan- though Melanthina had the potential to surpass her, especially if Crystin remained stuck at the threshold of the Ascending Soul Phase. However, Crystin also had her own responsibilities managing security and a pure darkness cultivator wasn’t necessarily the best for Ereli.
In the aspects of combining light and darkness, Ereli had more practical experience than John, but she was missing some deeper understandings about that and cultivation itself. To her, the balance was natural. It had to be, or she wouldn’t have made it so far. Because of that, she was struggling with where her cultivation would go in the future. Even picking an initial totem was complicated for her.
Of course, considering the consequences of what might happen should her totem be unsuitable or result in her elements becoming unbalanced it wasn’t an easy choice at all.
John’s best guidance to her came from his gathered experience and especially what he had learned from Viriato, a rarity that also cultivated light and darkness. He’d managed to get himself into a stable position somehow despite attuning to the two elements sequentially, but then both were powerful enough that going off balance could turn disastrous.
“What kind of totems are you thinking about choosing?” John asked.
“I am uncertain,” Ereli responded.
“I see. Which ones caught your attention?”
She shook her head. “Unknown,” she replied.
John thought about that for a moment. Was the unknown a totem? No, it seemed more like she’d reverted to her single word state. Why was that? He’d asked only simple questions about cultivation. But perhaps to her, they were much more. “Do you remember seeing totems?” John asked. It wasn’t a great question, but he wanted something easy to respond to.
“Many.”
“What elements?”
“Everything.”
John nodded. “Did you see the Seed of Darkness?” John asked, referring to his own totem and sending a pulse of spiritual energy through it.
She nodded. That was… worse?
“Mist?” he asked.
Ereli tilted her head, then nodded again.
John asked about a few other specific totems, the sort that would be referenced by the Tenebach clan’s tomes. It seemed she had searched thoroughly through the first layer of the sea of spiritual totems for those referenced.
John pondered, wondering where he might lead her to make some progress… and how to avoid leading her astray. Clearly, she had some trouble with totems, but would asking about it help or hurt?
“You know, my first totem was the Seed of Darkness,” John said. “Funny that it doesn’t feel like a seed at all anymore, does it?” Ereli’s reaction was neutral… or perhaps nonexistent. “I could have picked a second or third tier totem, you know. But they didn’t feel right. They were stronger, but not something I thought was suited for me.”
John waited, hoping for some sign of acknowledgement from his granddaughter. At least a sign she was listening or comprehending- or even that she was not, so he could try to help.
“... Deeper?”
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He wasn’t quite sure what she wanted there. Was she asking if it was better to go deeper? How to do it?
“How long can you spend in the sea of spiritual totems?” John asked.
“Some,” Ereli replied.
That was perhaps less than helpful. “Are you comfortable showing me how long?”
Ereli thought for a moment, then nodded. “Wait.” John watched as she sank into herself. He kept track of the time carefully, until her eyes fluttered open a few minutes later. She looked at him.
“About five minutes,” John said. It wasn’t terribly long, especially considering she seemed to have significant experience and she only confined herself to the first layer. “Is it difficult?”
Ereli shook her head.
“Then why leave?” When he got no response to that nor an indication that she was properly processing his words, he held up his hand. “We can talk again tomorrow.”
-----
“Ready for cultivation discussion,” Ereli said the next day.
“Do you remember what we were talking about yesterday?”
Ereli paused for a few moments, then shook her head.
John didn’t really know where to go from there immediately, because the purpose of his question had been to have her explain what she remembered, which would hopefully help him grasp her area of focus. But if she didn’t remember anything…? “Do you remember talking about totems?”
“Yes,” Ereli agreed.
So she did, but he had to bring it up. Maybe none of the memories were strong… or there was something else at play. “You spent five minutes in the sea of spiritual totems,” John said. “What is the longest you can stay there?”
“Five minutes,” Ereli answered quickly.
Was she just parroting his words? That didn’t seem right. “But you said it wasn’t difficult.”
“Difficult is bad.”
Now there was something. “You stopped because it was going to become difficult?” John confirmed.
“Yes.”
Now they were making some sort of progress.
John looked carefully at his granddaughter. Perhaps it was his own bias, but he didn’t feel that Ereli was lazy. Refusing to try anything difficult most likely had a reason. “What happens after that, when you do something difficult?”
Ereli shivered. “Balance breaks down. Pain. Parents become morose.”
John nodded slowly. “If you get tired it’s hard to control the light and darkness. Does one of them cause you more trouble?” Ereli tilted her head. “Which element diminishes first, leading to the imbalance?”
“Light,” Ereli said easily.
That made sense. From what he could feel, her darkness was kept more internally while her light was kept in a shell around that. Light could break away on its own, potentially. What Ereli needed was not a totem that increased her active control but rather her automatic stability. Though what that might be was outside of John’s comprehension. Though he supposed he could look for totems himself. If he didn’t have the need he might not properly manage it, but he was looking for a balance between light and darkness.
If he could find and describe such a totem, perhaps Ereli could find it as well. Of course, John understood he needed to be cautious. Teaching a young cultivator required that. Mosa had told him what could happen if things went wrong, though John wasn’t trying to tread entirely new ground with body tempering here. Even so, it was an inherently dangerous topic.
“I’m going to try something,” John said. “Wait for me, alright?”
“I wait patiently, grandfather,” Ereli acknowledged.
John slowly let himself drop into the sea of spiritual totems. Whether he was simply discovering totems that already existed or inventing them, to some extent it didn’t matter. What was important was the ability to find something that fit a particular need. It wasn’t always easy. If Ereli’s circumstances were different, John would have preferred her to spend the effort, since it was valuable for the cultivator doing so.
But if she had a fear of expending that effort, failure was more likely and could have the opposite effect on her ability and confidence.
John wasn’t quite sure what he wanted, and even less sure that what he sought out would be what she needed… but he thought he could gain something regardless.
What made sense? A structure? John imagined a lighthouse, guiding ships to port. What he found first was at odds with that image, as it was a fire atop a tower. But was that not a more common and reasonable vision of it in this world? A spinning beacon powered by modern lighting was hardly the norm here.
Flame certainly didn’t fit, and he wasn’t certain a lighthouse was the right style regardless. What next, and object? John considered a glass orb, containing light within it. Yet even as such a picture entered his mind, he also considered how that would force the light and darkness together instead of keeping them as they should be.
John moved on to more conceptual totems. He imagined a planet of darkness with a ring of light around it, or perhaps the light was like moons. His concept for such totems was weak, so they seemed quite indistinct. Certainly not something he could explain or recommend had value. What he really wanted was something like a magnetic field, perhaps.
But before he could look for that, he felt a repeated sensation from his physical body. He drew himself up and out, finding Ereli repeatedly poking his hand. “What are you doing?” he asked. “You realize it is dangerous to touch people who are cultivating, don’t you?”
“You weren’t waking up,” Ereli said simply. “I thought you were… lost.”
John shook his head. “No, I was alright. Why?”
“It was too long,” she said simply.
He thought she was supposed to be fairly patient, but it had only been half an hour or so.
“Only half an hour,” John said.
“But… your elements…?”
“What about them?” John asked.
“You have five. Or six,” Ereli said. “Is it… okay?”
“Is it fine for me to stay in the sea of spiritual totems for a long time?” John nodded. “Of course. I am used to it, so its gets easier. At the first layer, I could remain for a long time. And my elements have a stable balance between them.”
That was it. Stability. Ereli’s elements were balanced, but only in the metastable way that a pencil could be balanced upon its point- or that many objects of different sorts could be stacked upon each other. Her natural reaction needed to default towards stability rather than not.
Perhaps the simplest would be some form of scale. Surely it wouldn’t be too difficult to have one that tended towards a sort of balance. Now he just had to find something that fit, explain it to Ereli, and determine if she actually wanted that. Because it was also quite possible that she would prefer something else entirely, and personal preference was perhaps the most important factor in choosing totems.