Chapter 64 - Eating My Way to Victory

Goblin tastes like ass. And, no, I didn’t actually eat its ass. I took another bite of the rancid stuff, coating my mouth in hot sauce as if it would help. I ate bite sized chunks of meat, both raw and cooked, spiced and bland, but nothing helped. I decided to take another approach, cramming as much as possible down my throat at once. As soon as it cleared my pipes, the food seemed to vanish, though I’d have to modify my throat in some way if I wanted to become a garbage disposal unit. I had choked a few more times than I would have liked to admit on goblin meat, needing to be “rescued” by Garnush, who seemed very eager to step in.

I took another bite of goblin meat, shuddering, but swallowing like a good boy.

As much as I would have loved to boost my stomach more, 47% of a Red Boss Slime's soul power was my limit as of now and it wasn’t as if I wasn’t producing results. Gobbling up goblin ass flesh did more than just invigorate my muscles like shop food did. I felt faster, though not extremely so.

I eyed the goblin rider atop the slime boss for the thousandth time.

“Hey, Pyro. I’ve got this one.”

He shrugged and fell backwards, the ground coming up to catch him in a cloud of dust. “Crazy bastard,” he muttered, closing his eyes for a nap.

At my command, Slimey bounded forwards, blades protruding and spinning viciously. Predictably, the slime boss mirrored the charge, putting its rider right in the danger zone. Slimey’s blades stuck out of his body, spinning wildly, and cleaved the goblin’s head from its shoulders. We landed, rolled, and turned around to face the now solo slime. When next we clashed, I tested out the next thing that I was wondering about.

After eating so many goblin riders, I wanted to know if I had absorbed any other properties other than swiftness. I scootched my body out of Slimey’s mass, poking my head into the air, but shoving my entire left side into the slime boss’s slime. Then, with a deep breath, I deactivated my Slime King’s Servant’s Nephew’s Neighbour’s Necklace. It was an absolutely stupid thing to do, in hindsight.

Flesh sloughed off from the right side of my body while the left side burned red hot. I had about two seconds to register that the half of me that was in the boss slime was, indeed, taking less damage than predicted, before I had to reactivate my necklace. It wasn’t in time, though. My left side might have withstood the torment, but my entire right side had started disappearing as soon as I deactivated my jewellery’s protective enchantment. Wait, could Garnush even bring me back if I was utterly dissolved in a slime? Absolutely not.

Stone disks whirled in from the side, carving chunks out of the boss slime, helping Slimey devour it within a few seconds. I couldn’t hold myself back. I screamed in pain, my half digested body struggling to cope with the sudden lack of skin, some of its smaller bones, tendons and blood. Slimey spat me out next to Garnush, but the gnoll wasn’t a healer. I writhed on the ground, regretting every decision I had ever made, until a stone spike pierced my skull.

“What the actual fuck’s gotten into you,” Pyro almost shouted at me. “You’ve died almost ten times in the last two days. That ain’t right!” He shoved me brusquely once Garnush had brought me back to life once again.

“I need to get stronger,” I argued.

“Then kill OTHER shit, not yerself, dumbass! Just ‘cause you got fancy rez powers, don’t mean death don’t exist no more. Yer’ s’posed to be the thinker, the cautious one. What happened to slow and steady?”

“Slow and steady got us killed on the fifth floor,” I mumbled, pushing dirt around with my toe. I raised my head and met Pyro’s eyes. “We started strong, then pissed away weeks by going slow and steady. The Festival won’t last forever. If we want to take full advantage of it, it’s time I started taking risks. And Garnush is one hell of a get out of death free card, so I’m going to use it.”

Pyro harrumphed. “Fine.” With that, he willed open the Festival Shop, scrolled through it, raised a finger and paused. “‘Bout time we take advantage o’ the next step, then?”

At my nod, Pyro spent the points. A small key warped into existence in front of him, which he grabbed easily. I did the same, opening my Festival Shop, navigating to the Climb Passes section, and finding the Cat Tower entry. 10 Festival Points. A suspiciously low amount. I spent the points and grabbed a key of my own.

One by one, we both reached forward and inserted our keys into a portal archway. The multicoloured swirls flushed innumerable shades of brown. Pyro stepped through and the portal returned to normal in not more than half of a second. I followed suit, stepping through the portal and into another Tower.

I was immediately beset by a thousand blinking red lights.

Meeeeow! Enemies have invaded your homeland, once again! Quickly, touch the Schrödinger's Litter Box of Power to gain the equipment you’ll need. It’s probably full!

An obnoxious golden box hovered before me, twitching left and right, a slight glow pulsating urgently. I looked left and right, but was bombarded by icons and small red dots. Just wanting it out of my way, I poked the box like I was prompted to do. It fell open, revealing… a stick.

Weapon obtained! +3 Combat Power (CP). Quickly, Hero! Defeat the invaders!

The stick vanished, reappearing in my right hand. As it did, the box disappeared as well, revealing a sandy beach with oceans on both sides, stretching into the horizon. That, and five blue crabs the size of small dogs, which was tiny for a dog, but huge for a crab.

The crab gang scuttled straight for me, two in the front, one in the middle, and two in back. From what I could see, they all looked identical. I looked around, but neither Slimey nor Garnush had appeared next to me. Shrugging, I stepped forwards and bashed the first crab’s face in with my stick. Its face caved in, sending up sprays of guts. Another red light popped into my peripheral vision, crowding it even more.

I danced backwards and out of range of the four other crabs and their snapping claws. I gave them the run-around until one took a slight lead over the others. SMACK! I caved its face in with my stick. And again. And again. Finally, there were no more crabs. Another golden box appeared in front of me.

Beach 1-1 cleared! 1 free draw awarded!

There was a small red 1 below the obnoxiously pulsing box. I smacked it, and the box fell open once more, revealing a pair of pants.

Armour obtained! +2 CP!

The pants auto-equipped onto me and the box disappeared once more, revealing five more crabs.

“Wait, I’ve got to figure out everything else!” I grumbled, unable to read all of the messaged crowding in. The crabs kept coming. Frustrated, I summoned Slimey.

“Defensive ring! I need time to figure this shit out.” He obliged, curling around me in a wide circle. The crabs charged straight towards me, ignoring Slimey completely. They fetched up in his slime and dissolved into nutrients.

Beach 1-2 cleared! 2 free draws awarded!

Again, the fucking box and the godawful text prompt covering my vision. I smacked the box. When it opened, two items were contained within: a shirt and another stick.

Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

You already have a weapon equipped. Switch weapons (+3CP) or sell?

I swapped weapons. When I did, my old stick puffed into purple smoke, another red dot lighting up in my peripheral vision. I ignored the CP increase and looked at the closest red dot.

7-Day Login Rewards. Welcome to the Cat Tower! You have seven days to climb. Please accept your daily reward. Check back every day for better rewards!

Seven pictures tacked to a cork board popped up, blocking my vision. I selected the first, causing a green circle with a check mark within to stamp itself over the picture of a glittering ruby.

Gems obtained: 40.

Oooook… Not knowing what to do with gems, I went to clear the next red dot, but the gods-damned golden box appeared in front of me once more, this time with 3 free draws. I punched it and equipped the new shirt, helmet and gloves that appeared. My old shirt swapped out and puffed into purple smoke.

+14 CP!

Fuck. Off. You. Piece. Of. Shit. Text. Prompt.

Would you like to purchase an Events Log? This will send text prompts to your Events Log, which you will be able to view at any time.

Costs :

1 day - 600 gems.

7 days - 3 000 gems.

“Gems?! I only have 40 of those, you ass holes!”

Would you like to purchase gems?

200 gems - 99 FP (x2 bonus for first purchase)

1 000 gems - 499 FP (x2 bonus for first purchase)

2 400 gems - 999 FP (x2 bonus for first purchase)

5 000 gems - 1 999 FP (x2 bonus for first purchase)

70 000 gems - 29 999 FP (x2 bonus for first purchase)

My mouth dropped open. I could spend my own Festival Points from my own Tower here? It sounded so… scummy… Like, bait me in with a virtually free entry, then charge me for every small advantage or inconvenience. Unfortunately for the Cat Tower, I had plenty of points. Or was it set up in a way that I was now justifying a completely useless purchase while feeling like I got one over on the Tower? Fuck sakes. Either way, I had just over 800 000 FP to spend, since I spent a few days grinding a 400-point boss that I could easily kill, eventually, twice per minute.

I spent 31 998 Festival Points to gain 75 000 gems, bringing my total FP down to 772 008 FP. Then, I happily spent 3 000 gems to buy the Events Log, bringing my total gems down to 72 000.

I peeked around my screens, seeing that Slimey was sitting there, absorbing wave after wave of blue crabs. There was a glowing white line carved into the sand fifteen feet away, which went from one ocean to the other, bisecting the beach neatly. Shrugging, I directed Slimey to inch forwards until we crossed the line. As we did, a little book icon in the bottom left of my vision wiggled slightly. I willed it to show me its contents and was presented with a list of log entries that I skipped over until the last two lines.

Beach 1-9 cleared! Proceed to the next zone and defeat the boss to continue.

Beach 1-10 : Woah! That’s a big crabby! Defeat the boss within 30 seconds to continue to Beach 2-1.

Indeed, there was a large crab charging towards us. It was easily the size of all five crabs combined, but it was still dwarfed by Slimey. The wolf-sized crab scuttled forwards, rage in its alien eyes. Instead of running into Slimey, however, it just stood two paces away and waited. A timer appeared above its head, counting down from 30.

“Alright, Slimey, looks like it’s some sort of damage check. Squash it.”

Slimey easily reached out a mass of jelly that was three times the size of the crab and slammed down on it like a hammer striking an anvil. It blew apart, bits and pieces of shells and gore flying in every direction. The first countdown stopped and was replaced by a second, counting down a minute with a tombstone icon next to it.

“What are we thinking? Respawn timer?” I asked Slimey. He burbled. That was probably in agreement with my question. Behind the respawn timer was another white line demarcating a transition into what was probably Beach 2-1 like the log had said.

“Onwards, my steed!”

Beach 2-1 was identical in scenery to the 1-series. What differed were the mobs. Instead of five blue crabs, we were assaulted by five red octopuses. Octopi? Octoplurals. The tentacle monsters squeegeed themselves down the beach and whipped their appendages at me, but Slimey was once again in the way. Seeing as I wasn’t in danger, I returned to the absolutely horrendous amounts of blinking red dots that I had yet to go through.

Cat Tower Starter Pack! Don’t get caught out looking like a noob. This bundle of skins will let you fit in with the most prestigious of guild leaders! 4 000 gems, 40 minutes and 55 seconds left to claim this exclusive offer.

Nope. Dismiss. Permanently, I hoped.

Achievement: Baby’s First Loot. Open your first crate. Reward: 10 gems.

Achievement: Baby’s First Kill. Kill a crab. Reward: 10 gems.

Achievement: Baby’s First Purchase. Purchase gems. Reward: 300 gems.

“Accept all.”

Would you like to purchase the Automated Achievement Acceptance module for 3 000 gems?

“Fine, but fuck you.”

Funds have been deposited. Check your Events Log for detailed reports.

Another red light.

Noob Advancement Track unlocked! Rewards obtained for clearing Beach 1. Purchase Advanced Track to claim extra rewards?

I skipped the text and accepted the free rewards, then bull-rushed through the next dozen pop-ups.

Daily sign-in - Festival Event: Summer Splash! Can you collect all the kitty statues?

Missions:

Token Draw:

Ice cream machine:

Minigame:

Clam Shell Bash:

Combat Points Track unlocked! Claim rewards for reaching CP thresholds. Purchase extra CP modules?

Growth Pack: Day 1 bonus! Collect premium bonuses at the cost of 3 000 gems?

Heroic Trial: 3 daily attempts remaining.

Box Thief: 3 daily attempts remaining.

Floor Farming Battle pass. Missions. Rewards. Premium.

Actual Farming Battle pass. Missions. Rewards. Premium.

Friendship Battle pass. Missions. Rewards. Premium.

Merchant’s Battle pass. Missions. Rewards. Premium.

Spin the Lucky Wheel! Daily spins remaining: 5 (1 every 30 minutes)

I wanted to murder everyone in charge of the Cat Tower. There were so many prompts, so many menus, an uncountable amount of daily collections and twice that in ways to pay to increase bonuses and rewards.

“Accept all free stuff, dismiss all nonsense!”

Would you like to purchase an Administrator slot for 10 000 gems?

“What in the Tower’s balls is an Administrator?” I ground my teeth together, tempted to just leave the Tower altogether.

Administrators complete daily non-combat tasks. Purchase an Administrator slot for 10 000 gems?

“Yes! Get this shit sorted, fuck sakes.”

Administrator slot purchased. Administrator slots: 0/1. Purchase Administrator or assign your own. Purchase Administrator?

“Absolutely fucking not.”

Assign ‘Slimey’ as Administrator?

Hm… Interesting. “No.” If I kept spending gems, I’d run out soon. I thought having hundreds of thousands of FP on hand would be a breeze, but with the gem prices doubling after the first purchase and the absolute deluge of ways to spend gems, the achievement bonuses and what I had already bought wouldn’t go too far. I had a better idea. If Slimey could be an Admin, so could my other summons.

My Bestiary flipped open as it sucked my mana dry, popping out a semi-permanent Garnush who had been left behind in the other Tower when I stepped into this one.

“Garnush, how would you like to play a game?” I asked, grinning.

“Garnush looooves games!”

“Great.” I looked towards the sky. “Assign Garnush as Administrator.” Instantly, my summon faded, literally turning translucent, and started swirling around my head as a sort of spirit or ghost of some sort.

“So many buttons!” Garnush exclaimed. “OH! Loot boxes!” My clothing flickered, instantly changing from one set to another a few times before finally stabilising. Nope, a new pair of boots. Ok. And now new pants. Fine.

“Garnush, you have access to all of my daily non-combat tasks and my gems. You’re not getting any more gems, so use them wisely.”

“Does Boss want to look fancy? Boss not want to look like noob. Boss can get skins to look fancy.”

“Absolutely not. You are NOT allowed to blow my gems on cosmetic items.”

“Fiiiiine.” He sounded so disappointed, but I couldn’t let him dump all of my FP into fancy robes that didn’t increase my combat power.

Finally able to breathe again, I looked back at my surroundings. Five more octopus monsters flopped towards me while a bright white slash cut across the beach.

“Forwards, Slimey! We should keep progressing to the next section as soon as it pops up, until we find enemies that are harder to kill.”

“Brlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlp.”