Magic is difficult.

If you are not insanely talented like Tom Riddle or Dumbledore, then trying to master "accidental magic" or wandless magic or whatever is almost impossible.

It's been 2 Years since my first visit to the library, 2 Fucking years of studying and trying to manipulate the forces of the universe.

Do you know how difficult that is ?

Imagine that you want to flex a muscle without knowing where it is, and never having felt it.

And now imagine that the "muscle" is your magic, you know that you have it, you can feel it, when you close your eyes then you can almost see it, but you can't use it because you never flexed it.

And that was my problem, between trying to study runes, the mind arts, old English, Latin and trying to use magic without a wand or a dedicated teacher, the only thing that I learned in the past 2 years, where old English, Runes and how to empty my mind.

I tried, I really did! But I just can't do it on purpose, for a while I thought that maybe I was a squib, or that I had another power that I need to awaken. But after a little accident where a bottle of water almost destroyed my homework, only for the bottle to disappear and then appear outside my fucking window only to then fall inside a perfectly positioned trashcan, did I really believe that I had magic.

After my shock over the teleporting bottle, I tried to control my accidental magic, I tried to use my Emotions, after that did not work I tried to use wishes and prayers, but nothing worked.

After a Year, I came to the conclusion that I miss something about using magic without a Wand, so I stopped.

If I remember it right, the students of the Uagdaou school of magic were skilled in wandless magic and self transfiguration, I don't know how they do it.

Maybe they took a Potion or did a ritual, but I just couldn't do it, I will look into it when I officially enter the magical word, perhaps the Hogwarts library or the Room of Requirements has books about it.

So after 1 Year, I let my research on wandless magic rest and concentrated on my other studies.

And I must say those studies were far easier than wandless magic, well mostly.

The mind arts were somewhat easy to learn, but after I thought about it a bit more, I came to the conclusion that using it while being sorted and successfully blocking the sorting hat would be an utterly bad idea.

Imagining that I would be sitting on the stool while the sorting hat is being placed on my head just for it to say.

"Mhm Mr. Smith, I do believe that you are the first muggleborn wizard that successfully learned to block my Legilimency probe while still being a child, but if you want to be sorted into Hogwarts than you need to stop using it."

Yeah no, that would be Bad.

I don't think that Snape or Dumbledore would use Legilimency on all students, especially the older students who could have occlumency training.

Malfoy learned it in his 5th or 6 year, so it does not seem that only some people can learn it.

So emptying my mind completely whenever someone uses Legilimency one me would just give them the feeling that I'm hiding something important enough for me to use the mind arts to hide it.

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So I came up with the idea to just try to hide selected memories and those about my past ? Alternate ? Live, and about my future memories.

I think that I can do it, I don't really know without somebody using Legilimency on me, which will hopefully never happen! But I think that I can hide those memories.

Runes on the other hand, where easy? Yes easy, too easy I would say.

When I started studying the runes, I first thought that it would be like learning a new language, slow and annoying.

But it wasn't anything like that, I learned and remembered the different runes within 2 years of going almost every day that I didn't have school and was allowed to go to the library first with a caretaker and then alone.

Of course, not all the different languages of runes! Just the Futhark, and the Nordic runes.

And naturally not all subsystems of those rune languages.

The Futhark runes have 4 different systems, each system has a different meaning for each symbol. As I didn't know which runes were used in the magical world, I tried to learn the ones which the most books about it.

So Older Futhark and Saxon Futhark, as for The Nordic runes? There were far more subsystems, and even with how easy I found the study of runes. I could only learn the old Nordic Rune subsystem.

I must confess that I tried to carve the Nordic Runes schematic for light, which a time limit and a limit on how bright and hot it can be and for it to pull the magic in the atmosphere in a radius of 1 meter to power it and for only Magical people to see it, on a big piece of wood that I found near the orphanage, probably from an old desk or something like that.

Of course, I tried to be precise while carving in the schematic with an old wood carving tool that I found in an old toolbox in the cellar of the orphanage.

It did of course not work.

It did nothing, or rather I think that it did nothing, after I carved the last runes I ran out of the alley into the almost empty street, only to glance back into the alley and after seeing nothing happening I walked further down the street in the direction of an ice cream shop, only to double back after 5 minutes.

After I passed the alley again, only to see that nothing has happened and that the piece of wood and the busted flashlight that I put there in the case that my Rune scheme were to fail and a Muggle where to see the light, were still there untouched, I walked further down the street and around the block.

After I came by the alley 40 minutes later, and seeing that nothing has happened and that there were no Auroras or other magicals around, I walked into the alley took the carving knife out and destroyed with it the rune scheme so that nobody can recognize anything on it, i put then the knife in my pocket and walked out of the alley and around the block and then with the bus for another hour before going back to the orphanage.

Maybe I made a mistake somewhere, or there is no magic in the atmosphere.

Or if there is magic in the atmosphere, then it's not enough.

Perhaps you need blood for the activation ?

Not that I would do something like that, I don't want to make a mistake and bleed out.

Or summon an eldritch abomination.

In hindsight it was a stupid and risky move, fortunately nothing happened.

In the Future, I need to be more careful with my actions, and i shouldn't be so prejudices against magicals.

In most fanfics, magicals and especially the Ministry of Magic are shown to have almost zero common sense and that almost everyone is corrupt or incompetent.

I can't keep thinking like that, this is not a story anymore!

This is my new reality, and i need to treat it like it.

But enough about that, after runes and the mind arts, Old English was nothing.

I learned it really fast, maybe I have a talent for languages ? As far as I know, Runes are a form of language, I gonna test it when I'm at Hogwarts, perhaps Japanese runes ? I was always a fan of Fuinjutsu, but nor of the anime Naruto, a world with thousands of ninjas who can kill you with a spoon?

I would be dead within a year.

And i think that there is diffidently something wrong which the people around me, I mean I don't have any friends, read things that most adults would not read, and if I'm not reading than I'm studying, or I am staying at the library.

Or perhaps they think that I'm traumatized?

Or is it because those are the 80s? In my last live, I was raised in the 21st century, so with the Internet, Handys and other electronics.

But now in the 80's? We don't even have a television at the orphanage.

So the orphanage is most of the time that we are not at the school, sleeping or eating empty, and the kids are at the playground in the city or somewhere else.

Perhaps the people are not weird, but my perspective is wrong? The 80 were perhaps not as scary as the 21st century ? And the children had more freedom?

Well whatever, I can't really do anything about it and I can't read their minds, I didn't even try to read it.

I don't know if they would notice anything or if I could potentially hurt or kill them, and it would be creepy to just stare at their eyes all day long, they may ignore or find my behavior not odd, but I don't think that they would even ignore that.

You may notice that I'm rambling, but I can't do anything about it.

I'm scarred, in some Months I will be introduced into a new world.

Between all the fanfics and books that I read and the movies that I watched, I could either deal with something grimdark, or something less dark, but if you put away the childish ideas and dreams about power and woman that I read in fanfics then this world is still terrifying.

I just hope that there are no emerald eyes, kissable lips on children and other bullshit like in most fanfiction