Advice

There was a gentle knock at her door, Aster tried to sit up in her medical bed only to be held back by the loosened straps Alwen had set up when she needed to leave for the day. Honestly if that girl wasn’t so good at her job Aster might consider strongly reprimanding her. But the straps were there to stop her from doing exactly what she had just tried to do, if she moved to abruptly she could risk throwing herself into an intense cycle of pain and discomfort for hours.

She leaned back and called “Come in”

The door slid aside with a gentle woosh and admitted a violet skinned Torweni man who looked both nervous and concerned. “Is now a good time?” Modius asked.

“Good as any” She grumbled “Not like I can go anywhere.”

He smiled and sat in the chair Kar had brought in when he went over some news with her. “How are you feeling?”

“Awful, that sister of yours is a sadist.” The procedure was every bit as painful as Alwen had warned, and worst of all this was only the first of many.

Modius chuckled, “I pity the poor man who winds up with her”

“Or women” Aster challenged.

Modius frowned “Just because we’re more liberal when it comes to matters of homosexuality doesn’t mean we don’t have straight people. I’m fairly certain my sister is only interested in the opposite sex.” He chided.

Astarte smirked, the Torweni were very similar to humanity in many ways, but that weird chromosomal shifting of theirs meant that their society got to completely sidestep the social hurdle of homophobia. They still had issues of misogamy and a natural inclination towards patriarchy, but Aster sometimes felt a little jealous of them. Growing up as a pansexual women on Earth had been hard enough to deal with. Alongside the fact that her birth mother was absent for most of her childhood, she never knew who her father was, and being the adoptive daughter of a former prostitute, and it wasn’t hard to see where she got the chip on her shoulder.

“And where do you land?” she crooned mischievously.

He shrugged “I could go either way”

Aster smirked “That sounds fun”

“I’m not doing a three way of any sort” he deadpanned.

Aster guffawed “Of course not, I can’t even sit up right now without mind numbing pain.” She teased.

His expression darkened; he apparently didn’t like her joking about her broken condition. “That’s part of the reason I came here.”

She frowned “What?”

He looked at her pleadingly “I’ve seen the scars Aster. You’ve lost an eye and now your so broken you can’t even walk. You’re in pain and I’m worried about you”

“I’ll heal, pain in life is inevitable; but suffering is optional”

“Was that another Maynard quote?”

“Buddha, but on that note. If there were no rewards to reap. No loving embrace to see me through. This tedious path I've chosen here, I certainly would've walked away”

“That was the Patient from Lateralis.” he said, Aster nodded “I thought so, he wrote that about his mother who suffered from a stroke. Maynard’s mother thought it was a test from God, and that she would be healed eventually if she remained faithful.”

“Fitting isn’t it, this pain is only temporary. My bones will heal, and my scars will fade, I can’t just give up on my life’s purpose because of a little pain.” She said solemnly.

“This is more than a ‘little pain’, you could have died.” He pressed.

“To die on the field of battle is a tragedy, but to shield those behind you is an honor. If death means the life of others, why fear it” she shot back. It was a Torweni proverb she had learned from Modius and Admiral Kedi as they decided to join her.

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“Don’t quote my own faith at me” he snapped “The Creed of Torwen doesn’t apply stupid and foolhardy antics.”

“I didn’t start this fight; I didn’t ask for a grenade in my lap!”

“No, but you did choose to pick a fight with a giant space pirate and his army of vile monsters. You didn’t have to fight Kazlum alone, you had the entirety of Loki-squad at your disposal.”

She saw the concern in his azure eyes, and she heard the compassion in his voice. She knew he had a little crush on her for a long time, and she had thought that offering casual sex with no strings attached would allow him to finally move past it. Modius was a good guy, and if she was being honest with herself a part of her like the emotional release and comfort their little affair had offered her. But another part of herself remembered the last time she had let someone get that close to her heart; that part of her remembered how it felt to put her heart into someone else’s hands and let them pull at her strings, bending her to their will. Her hands tingled as they remembered the sensation of life leaving Greyson’s life leaving him as she choked him to death on top on the highest pyramid in Temple city.

She had killed her old teacher, and used the skills he had taught her to sever Greyson’s Achilles tendons, and cripple his arms. She could have left him like that, could have taken him in to answer for all his crimes. But instead she looked into his eyes as he pleaded for his life and was reminded of how those pretty hazel eyes had deceived her. She felt no mercy in her heart as she took his life, only sick triumph.

She looked deep into Modius’s eyes and saw that she could do it all again, that she could let herself be vulnerable again and place her heart in his hands. But to do so would irrevocably change her, change her and her path. And she couldn’t let that happen. She had molded herself into the perfect women to make this crazy dream of theirs succeed, and she had given up to much of herself to ever go back.

She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly “I chose this path Modius, every step has been my decision. I chose this path so that I could destroy all my enemies, I refuse to step back and let someone else bare the price of this path.”

“You don’t need to do it alone, please I’m begging you Da-“

“NO!” She snapped; her outburst caused a new wave of pain to roil through her body. “Don’t use that name, that girl is dead, there is only Astarte now.” She had told him her old name in confidence and she refused to let it be used against her, even if what was meant to be endearing.

He scowled “I never knew that girl, I only ever knew you” he said firmly. “And I can see how this is hurting you”

She didn’t have any thing to say to that, no retort or excuse. They were quiet for a long time, both of them trying to figure out how to engage the other.

It was Modius who broke the silence, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Aster nodded “I understand, you can elect someone else from your navy to take your place on the Asmodeus.” She said softly.

“Not that, I meant us”

“There was no us” she mumbled grimly.

“I know, I thought we I could keep any romantic intentions out of whatever we had. But I can’t, that just isn’t who I am.” He stood up “Goodbye Astarte, I hope we can remain friends”

Aster felt her heart dropped as she plastered on a smile “Of course, no hard feelings”

He turned and left her alone, and only when she was sure that he was gone did she let a single tear escape.

~~~*~~~

Alwen wasn’t really surprised when she saw her brother walk out of the Med bay, she was surprised though when he began to pull his hair in frustration while he cursed under his breath in their own tongue. She only caught bits and pieces of what he said, but it was enough for her to get the gist of what he said.

“Trouble with the Captain?” she asked, alerting him to her presence.

He looked over at her and straightened up, he cleared his throat “Alwen, are you here to check in on Astarte?”

She quirked her head to the side “I was, but I have feeling she’s going to want some time to herself. Want to take a walk?” she asked.

He sighed “Yeah, I could use some air to clear my head”

She frowned as she walked next to him “I’m not sure about that, all air on a station is heavily regulated and stale smelling.”

He snorted as they walked towards the ships exterior hatch, “Yeah, I’ve been in space for a while now, and I really miss the smell of the ocean. Even when I go down to Torwen I’m always to busy to take some time to visit it.”

“I know what you mean, I find that I really miss the smell of trees and wild plants. The ship has little terrariums with flowers and herbs, but its not the same.” She said as they exited the ship to the greater hanger bay. It smelled almost identical to the air inside the ship, with some slight notes of motor oil. “What did you and the Captain talk about?” she asked after walking in silence for a while.

“Not a lot” he mumbled.

“Obviously enough to piss you off” she retorted.

He glanced sidewise at her “You have been spending to much time with Alice and her marines.”

She shrugged, “Fowl mouthed sailors seems to be a universal constant”

He nodded before going silent again, she didn’t press the issue and let him piece together what he felt safe saying “I tried to convince her to be less reckless.”

“Not a bad idea”

“Yeah, well I think I went about it in the wrong way. I tried to lean on whatever connection we’ve built over these last few weeks, if I had just confronted her as a fellow captain who was worried her reckless behavior would endanger the fleet then she might have listened.”

“If you knew that then why didn’t you, I thought you said that whatever was between you two was just sex.”

He grimaced “That’s what it was supposed to be, but I let my heart get in the way of that”

“Did you really like her that much?” Alwen asked.

“Yeah, I think I did. When I first met her I really admired her strength and brazen attitude, she kidnapped two high ranking foreign diplomats and sent us home with cheesy magnets. And after that I learned how smart and clever she was, she started from the literal gutter of Terran society and had built an industrial empire along with the fiercest fleet in Orion. There was a lot to admire there”

Alwen nodded “But then you started to notice the scars”

“Yeah, I felt sympathetic for her, and somehow that mix of admiration and sympathy grew into something more. But she doesn’t feel the same way, and I don’t think she ever will. And what hurts the most is that she chooses to be that way.”

Alwen nodded “I know what you mean, I’m sort of in the same boat myself.”

He quirked an eyebrow “Really.”

Alwen nodded “The first guy I actually went on a date with had his head shot off, and the other guy I was crushing on died in my arms after kissing me. After everything calmed down I sort of wandered around the ship until I cried into the arms of the first guy I saw. After that I told myself that I was some sort of jynx, and I didn’t want to put that burden on him. I tried to keep things casual and professional, and tried to work through my issues on my own. But the more I worked with him the more I began to admire him, and the more I saw that he had plenty of issues of his own, and that maybe we could help each other with our problems.”

Her brother frowned “I think I have an idea of who you’re talking about, but continue”

“When I finally figured out that I might be in love with him, I tried to talk to someone about it. But the person I chose just happened to be his ex, and my best friend. They have a sorted past, and several tons of baggage and issues, and might still have feelings for one another.”

He nodded “That sounds fucked” he said solemnly.

“Yeah” she groaned “why does life and love have to be so hard!”

He smiled “Nothing easy is ever really worth doing. It’s because they’re hard that makes them worth doing. If you want my advice I’d say go for it, and just figure it out as you go.”

“And what about you, are you going to continue to woo the Alien pirate with a closed off heart?”

He shook his head “No, it was ill conceived to begin with. I think it would be better to just be friends. I still intend to curb her reckless pursuits though, but this time I’ll do it as fellow captain, like I should have from the start.”

“Thanks for the advice, Modius”

He smiled “And thank you for lending me your ear, Bones. Please keep an eye on Astarte while I’m not around”

“I will, she’s my patient after all”

They smiled and left each other to contemplate their own messed up and complicated lives on their own.