Two weeks prior

The sounds of pain, screaming, and flames everywhere could be heard as my body was being dragged through what I assumed was Hell.

( ͡╥ ͜ʖ ͡╥) "I’m sorry, please. Please Stop!,”  I scream while searing agony rained down upon me. 

“What are you talking about they haven't done anything to you yet? All they’ve done is made you relive your life’s greatest hits.” , Esi says to me snapping me out of mig daymare. 

“Sorry finished those like, I’m sorry when were those dinosaurs from earlier still around, and so I was just thinking about what tortures await me and or us .”, I say noticing we  have been taken to what I can only assume is a day spa. 

Somehow I've ended up  sitting in a white robe getting a foot massage, Esi, who is in similar garments and getting a similar massage as well as for her/his back, says to me, “ Although you'll probably the one who does the torturing.” Remembering our conversation on the way over here, i noticed that Elsi had a bit of a thing for sadism. Making me listen on and on about all the souls she watched suffer in Hell, earth, and beyond as an angel. 

"Whatever do you mean?” , she says innocently while holding a finger to his mouth,trying to seem cute. “I haven't done any torturing in like..... 3000000000000, a butt-ton of zeroes later, years. Back when I was in charge of the rapist torture department in Hell.”, she says bluntly. 

“ Wait, whatttttttttt!!!!!!!!!?!!??!?!?!?!?!”, staring at them completely stunned by what I had just heard. “I thought you were an angel, how does that even work?” Oh no. Suddenly realizing I should have kept my mouth shut, I tremble as Esi starts talking, 

“First, I was an angel, but then I got fired literally and workally, for reasons, *cough cough cough* , so I became a demon. She appears melancholic for a second , but then continues with , “It was really fun.” She says a little sadistically. 

“After my stint in Hell, I got promoted into a spirit after repenting by torturing all the world’s worst rapists and sex fiends. Oh, the stories I could tell, I once made some guy from Afro-Asia, f*ck himself while he bit off his own balls. Ooh and that other time I made this guy who only preyed on pregnant women, gut himself and then I gutted him some more and more. She says darkly. Aww that was fun in the good ‘ole days of pain, torture, and honestly fun.”, she says as if finishing a full course meal is sateded, on what I assume is bloodshed and gore.     

( ͡╥ ▭ ͡╥)

“Oh, right so anyways I was promoted to Purgatory as a spirit, and let me tell you that desk job was was no fun.”,  Esi went on and on about purgatorial gossip and watercooler office talk. Occasionally, and by thatI mean frequently interjecting with stories of her time in Hell, like that time she flayed a guy who always did  bad things to his coworkers on dates. Anyways she flayed him and then made him eat his salad which was really his skin, Skin Salad. Heheheh get it.  

(‘ __’) 

I think I need a psychologist.

Anyways Esi's gory, horror glory stories finally ended with her explaining that she had been repromoted back to an angel, and was annoyed to be back in purgatory instead of, quote unquote, " watching the Catholics and Protestants yell at each other, while sipping wine and beer with the Buddhists and Atheists, while comforting them."

As Esi was about to continue about convincing the higher ups to let the Jews take day trips from Heaven to purgatory torture Hitler, when some very important looking angels and spirits came in with concerned looks upon their faces. 

The lead angel,a rather young looking angel with four more wings than Esi, starts to speak, “ Ah, I see Sadriel has been entertaining you with some of her stories.” continuing with , “ There is a reason she is called Sadriel the Sadist.” 

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“I'm sorry what?”I say trying to sound surprised, but honestly that explains a lot. 

“Yeah what do you think we sent her to Hell for?'', They say as if I should've already figured it out by now. 

“Umm.” , that does make me wonder though, and with that thought as hundreds of possible scenarios flash before my mind. Yep gonna need that Psychologist.  

“Oh hey, Bobiel,” Esi says standing up , “I see you finally go that promotion , good on ya kid.”She says while rubbing the hair on his head, but in a friendly manner. 

“MOmmmm.”Bobiel says,” remember what happened the last time you start rubbing ‘heads’.'' Bobiel finishes coyly. 

Collecting herself, “Hmph, fine don’t want to be sent to Hell for “innappropriate conduct”.” , she says before bursting out laughing. 

Apparently it’s an inside joke, and wait, “Mom?!?!” I say before the more hundreds of possibilities cause me to lose consciousness, again. 

“Is he gonna be okay?”, Bobiel says concerned. 

“Yeah, he does this a lot.”, Esi says. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………...

3 Hours later 

“Uhh what happened.”  I groan. Noticing i’m on the floor , tied up, with Esi in an old timey nurses outfit., “‘Bout t time you woke up we were about to start stabbing .’ she says annoyed .  

“Eh, Stabbing?”  I manage to say before noting that esi and all the angels have shots that have really long needles. How long, you don't want to know.

 “Hey mom does this mean we’ll have to use the colon cleanser?”, Bobiel says, 

“Heheheh~ Nah~ sweet child he’s fine.”,  Esi says while sounding both sweet and laughing maniacally. 

“K mom.” Bobiel says while hugging her. 

“Oh yeah that’s right he’s your son .” I say awkwardly. 

“Huh what are you talking about?”,  Confused. 

“He keeps calling you mom so isn't he, you know your son!” , I say to her. 

“Ah no, Mom is Mom, but that's not how angels work.”, Bobiel replies when Esi  just stares at me blankly. 

“Huh, what do mean?” 

“Yeah, you see,  we angels are created artificially  and cannot usually be created biologically . Due to that we are assigned to raise newly created angels soon after they are born, so they can understand the rules.” , he says explanatorily. 

“Eh, what do  you mean , don’t you just raise them so they can live?” 

“Nope, angels are born fully formed with all the knowledge of the universe.” Esi replies,  que thunder and lightning.. And dramatic laughter. 

“Is she always like this?” I ask. 

“Eh, no clue, I haven’t seen her in years.”, he says sadly . 

“Oh? Couldn't have visited her?” 

“I’m not exactly supposed to go to Hell or allowed in Purgatory, usually, without permission, so it’s kind’ve hard to visit.” , he says angrily. 

“Oh, sorry about that. I didn’t know.”, trying to be counselling . 

“Yeah how could you,”he says bitterly, ”it’s not like you humans get the angel handbook.” 

“Huh, there’s a handbook?”I say curious. 

When Bobi just stares at me, I  suddenly remembered, “Ehheh, sorry.” 

“Eh, whatever.”, he says walking away to calm down his mom who’s decided to try and perform surgery on one of the angels. 

“So, what brought to you guys here.” , i ask wondering why there was such a large entourage for a family visit.  

“Oh yeah that’s right, we came to let you know that from today on your a God.”,  Bobiel says excitedly. 

“Heh?”, Esi and I say together. 

“Yeah and as such, your our new boss.”,  que party confetti, horns and cannons. Zyuuhhhuh~~~~~ 

“Ehh?!?”, once again in sync 

“Yeah, so come on time’s a wastin’ we gotta universe to make.” he says gleefully.  

Ehhh?!!?!