TIME & TIED: DESTRUCTION
ARC 3.2 - With The Group
PART 53a: MENTAL STRAIN 1
Julie stared in silence at the shadows on her bedroom ceiling. For some reason, she was reminded of those Rorschach inkblot tests, the ones psychologists used to help check a person's sanity.
How sane was she?
The regular counselling sessions with Dr. Golden had helped her to deal with emotional issues like love and trust, it was true. But she couldn’t explain to a regular psychologist about the attempt to kill their unborn self, by time traveling back to the week of her birth. Speaking of that to anyone, aside from the other time travellers, was liable to get her locked up. Or worse, put Carrie in additional danger. No, Julie would have to keep it to herself.
Maybe forever.
"They’re all here now," Clarke said from the doorway.
Julie sat up. "All right then. Let's talk time trips." She swung her legs off the bed, stood, and headed past him, out the door.
"Jewels, are you sure you're up for it?” Clarke asked, falling into step behind her. "They only called us this morning about the meeting. If it's too fast--"
"Don't worry," Julie said, cutting him off. "I'm not about to wrestle the machine away from Carrie in order to finish what I started last year."
"That's not what I meant."
Catching Clarke’s tone, Julie paused on the stairwell to look back up at him. “Right.”
She smiled, trying to project a confidence she didn’t feel. “Look, Phil, it's fine. Really. If Carrie, Frank and Luci want to discuss resuming time travel, I’m good with that. Sure, it might bring up memories, but me and Doc Golden, we did talk about suicide. I’m more grounded now. What I do, it’s for me, not to please people like my parents, yeah?”
“Yeah. Still..."
“More to the point - I need this,” Julie continued. “It’s been ten months since those events, and a part of me is starting to doubt whether it all truly happened.” Her lips pursed. “And I... well, I'd rather not simply dismiss the sacrifices you all made to save me.”
Clarke looked at her for a long moment before smiling back. "Okay then," he replied. "Let's see what's up."
Her visitors, Carrie, Frank and Luci, all rose from their chairs as she entered the LaMille sitting room. "Julie," Carrie began. "Hi... look, I want you to know right up front that if you feel at all uncomfortable with what we're talking about, you have only to tell us and we'll head out of here with no bad feelings."
“Noted. Let’s get to it,” she countered.
Carrie nodded, glancing over to Frank and Luci. Frank shrugged. Even Luci looked hesitant.
Julie set her jaw. "Look, guys, I may be a little frayed around the edges, but I'm still Julie LaMille. If you're going to walk on eggshells around me, I'm going to damn well throw you out. Did you interrupt my Sunday morning to talk time travel, or didn't you?"
"We’re thinking of using your house here as a base of operations," Luci spoke up. “For storing the coins, and as a jumping off point for time trips, rather than Frank’s home. Or Carrie’s.”
“My parents and Carrie’s father already think something’s up after last year,” Frank added. “So that’s not ideal, particularly if I reappear in my kitchen. But your place isn’t that far from Willowdale Park, and so with either that park or the point of departure being some sort of geographic failsafe, your home is pretty convenient.”
“The mansion is big, mostly empty, and me accidentally turning up in here at any point in the last couple years wouldn’t really be remarked on,” Carrie added.
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Julie shifted her gaze to the small black box, currently lying on the floor beside a chair. "You ARE thinking of making more trips then."
"We have a few present day coins,” Frank admitted. "And if we don’t start soon, that is before January, we’ll be stuck in the present again. So yeah.”
“Carrie thinks that actually doing some time travel might help her to understand more about what she is and isn’t capable of doing on her own too,” Luci added.
“In fact, I took my first trip of the year yesterday,” Carrie stated. “Back to my birthday.” She rubbed her temples. “It was... educational. I think the time has finally come for me to put up or shut up as far as these temporal powers go.”
"Your powers," Julie remarked, leaning back against the wall. “Then you're thinking of invoking them too?”
Carrie began to pace. "I have to," she sighed. “Chartreuse has convinced me that the only real way to ensure that what happened last year at the hospital never happens again, is to achieve some sort of balance with whatever’s inside me. To get a sense of what that even looks like, I’m gonna need to take more time trips. With and without the machine.”
"Incidentally, Carrie's powers are another reason to bring the two of you in on this now,” Luci said, nodding towards Clarke, who had thus far remained silent. "We're the five originals. The only ones - aside from Corry - who remember what Carrie is capable of. Thus the only ones who might notice, should things start to run off the rails.”
“Chartreuse would notice too,” Carrie murmured.
“Except she doesn’t REALLY remember last November,” Frank countered. “You had to tell her.”
“She would notice, Frank.”
“Look, my point was that Lee, Tim and Laurie wouldn’t, despite also once knowing about the machine,” Luci said.
"I think you’re straying from the point," Clarke broke in at last. "You're saying you want to use Julie's house as a base of operations? What about the surveillance cameras on the property? What about Jeeves, who lives here too?”
“As Carrie said, the place is big, we should be able to avoid Jeeves,” Frank countered. “And the surveillance on the property will work in our favour. We merely need to learn enough to circumvent it, after which it will pick up on any outsider who’s trying to get at the time machine.”
“Like I did, when it was unguarded at your place,” Julie observed.
Frank winced. “Um. Kinda, sorta.”
Julie crossed her arms over her chest. “So, does this mean I’ll get to do more time travel?"
"Not at all," Frank assured. "We’ll only need your permission to come and go from the house, from this point going forwards. Along with information about the surveillance and such, in case we arrive in some room with an active camera.”
“Because the time machine centres on the DNA of those taking the trip, remember?” Carrie agreed. “So, if we happen to arrive before we leave, we could potentially be here without coming through the front door. Don’t be freaked out by our comings and goings, that’s all.”
“Well, what about your point of arrival in another time period?" Julie challenged. "I've spent so much time in the mansion these last three years that any time trip I take is likely to keep me here. I could be an asset to you that way."
Carrie exchanged a glance with Frank and Luci. "Julie... are you saying you WANT to go on another time trip?"
"I do," Julie said, without hesitation. "I won’t make it a condition of using the place, but what’s wrong with me coming along?”
Julie surveyed the expressions of the others. Carrie looked surprised, Frank confused, Luci remained inscrutable and Clarke... he simply looked worried.
"Jewels, I'm not sure you realize what you're asking.”
"Oh, come on Phil," Julie countered, giving him a playful punch in the arm. “All summer you were telling me I needed to get out more. A trip in space, a trip in time, what’s the difference?” She looked at the others. “Besides, I swear, I'm not going to use the opportunity to try anything self-destructive.”
“I don’t know, Julie,” Carrie said, her expression starting to mirror Clarke’s. “Time travel can be dangerous. And we might not limit ourselves to the past, we could also travel as far forwards as December."
“Though last time we tried a future trip, we almost got run over,” Luci recalled.
"I don't care," Julie asserted. "I want to time travel.”
"But why?" Frank protested. "What's your motivation?"
Julie clenched and unclenched her hands. “Seriously? Don't you guys get it? I've only been on two time trips. And the second one doesn't count, since it was only Clarke taking me into the cafe to establish an alibi for the shooting. No, whenever I think of time travel, it always brings to mind that first trip, with the gun, and the h-homeless woman and... and m-my p-parents..."
Damn it. Julie forced herself to draw in a long breath, digging her fingernails into her palms. She had to keep control here, or they’d never let her go anywhere.
“So, yeah. I hate that. I hate it, I hate it, and yet I can't stop thinking about it! What's more, something which has really been starting to eat away at me through my counselling sessions is the realization that, had our situations been reversed, I probably wouldn't have lifted a finger to help any of you.”
She stood straighter, shifting her gaze around the room, to each of them in turn. "So, know what? I vowed that if the opportunity presented itself where I could help you time trippers in return for what you did, I’d take it. More, that I’d go on another trip through time, one I could potentially look back on with pride, not distaste or horror. So, yes, obviously you can use the mansion, but I want - I’d LIKE more than that. Everybody, I want to time travel again!"
"Jewels, careful,” Clarke shouted out, reaching out to grab her arm. She looked down. One of her nails had broken through the skin of her palm, releasing a small trickle of blood. She swallowed.
“Whoopsie. Ah, I'll just get a bandaid. Talk amongst yourselves," Julie said, before hurrying out of the room.